Soul Mates (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

Death and Rebirth

1 Rocky, what are you doing, mate? I'm going to jump off this, into a head landing.
(Bird screeches) I don't think that's a very good idea.
That's what you said about running backwards, but now it's my thing, so Yeah.
I think this is a little bit different.
Well, I've got to do it now, 'cause Gronk did it.
Yeah, he did.
He's not doing too well, is he? Well, that's 'cause he did it wrong.
Gronk, being Gronk, got a bit overexcited, so he kind of flung himself forward, and his legs went over the top of his body, so when he landed, he got a bit crumply, and now his spine is stuck through his ear.
The trick is, you've got to land on the strongest part of your body, on the head.
But Gronk's dead though.
No, he's not dead, he's just He's just a bit tired from all that bleeding.
Rocky, your brother's gone.
Gone? Gone where? Well, um, probably the same place as your other eight brothers .
that you killed .
in a very similar fashion, actually.
(Sobs) # We've lived a thousand lives together # And we'll be best friends forever # In a mostly platonic sense # This is a love that never ends # Never ends, never ends This is a love that never ends.
Supsies, brah? Do you need a hand with anything, or No, I'm just having a look, thanks.
Cool, yeah.
Go for it.
Do you need a hand with sizes, or are you Nah, just having a browse.
Do your thing.
No worries.
(Whispering) Sodomy! What? Look at the labes.
Look at the label, brah.
Kay sodomi.
'Sodomi' - silent K.
A bit out of my price range, though.
Brah, when it comes to Ksodomi, you can't afford to be a tight-arse.
This is my sale.
Um How's it going? Ugh.
I'm fucking struggling, man.
Last night was such a blow-out.
# Accidentally Struggle Street Where friends and strangers feel like shit.
I knew I shouldn't have had that third carb.
Big time.
Where did you hit it up last night? Go and hit the bogey-bogues, smash it up? No.
Go on the pingers with the boys? Have a little cruisey, nitro Sunday? Did you, like, check out a festival or snort some bags? Oh, did you check out DJ Wristy at The Skin Flute last night? No, just took my son to the movies.
That's prety awesome.
What a blow-out.
(Blows raspberry) Dom.
Phoenix, ten o'clock.
So fucking what? So the universe, Dom.
Adrian, I think the universe wants me to touch some jam.
I'll just get the jeans.
As in, I'm going to finger her.
I got that.
That's the subtext.
Wake up, son.
We got movement.
We're going after the worst of the worst today, Roger.
I'm talking one cold killer.
A real bad egg.
Well, I eat eggs for breakfast.
You drop the bags or I'll drop you, egg.
That's it, nice and easy.
In the last 8 years, you've killed 26 possums.
Do you know what that means, Mr Thinge? Business is good.
It means you're the most lethal man New Zealand has ever seen.
They're just simply problems I've got the capacity to solve.
You know they said the same thing about possums in Nazi Germany? And so they should have.
They're pests.
They're vermin.
You son of a bitch! Settle down, Roger.
You better muzzle your dog.
I will not stand idly by while he dehumanises possums like that! You will stand idly by.
Stand idly! Or so help me, God.
You'll have to excuse my associate, Roger Blade.
He hasn't been the same since he lost his partner.
Where'd you see him last? If I knew that, he wouldn't be lost, would he? I said, idly, goddammit.
Sorry, Mum.
So are you going to arrest me or or what, because I've got places to go and and possums to kill.
On the contrary, Mr Thinge, what we're offering you is something of a promotion.
Who are you people? The New Zealand Munustry of Difunse.
Both of you? You'd better believe it, egg.
How would you like to kill for a living, Mr Thinge? I already do that.
I'm not talking about possums, Mr Thinge.
I'm talking about Australians.
Does this mean I've got no more brothers? I'm sorry, Rocky.
But I can make more brothers, right? Nah.
But you can make some children.
Yeah? Wouldn't it be nice to have some children in the tribe? Yeah.
The Tree of Life will give us children when it's ready.
About that - the Tree of Life is getting disgusting, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't actually give life.
Of course it does.
That's why it's called the Tree of Life.
Just because something is called a certain thing doesn't mean it does that thing.
Yeah, it does.
Is it possible someone just had a wank on a tree for kicks, and when someone caught that person having a wank, they said, 'Oh, uh it's the Tree of Life.
' Nah.
I called it that because it gives life.
I don't see much life around here.
I don't see any children.
That's why it's important that all of us continue to jizz on the Tree of Life as regularly as possible.
Why not visit an ancient kingdom sunk beneath the sea? That's right - England.
Find your Mr Darcy in the 19th century.
And remember, ladies, don't speak unless you're spoken to.
I'm not saying that schoolies, Gold Coast, 2007 wasn't sick.
I'm just saying, is it the best time and place in human history? Yep, definitely.
ANNOUNCER: Coming soon to a theatre near you - this cat.
Rated Ah! I hate it when the trailer gives away the whole thing.
We had a good time there, but we have a good time in any time.
Do you remember when you, me and Gurt had that tent party in ancient Babylon? Gurt, what, that local guy? Yeah.
He was a weirdo.
You reckon? He had a goat's head for a head.
Yeah, but he didn't let it hold him back.
He ate my backpack.
found guilty of cyberbullying and trolling.
Your Mum's Got A Big Wang 69 Limahl will be executed tonight on YouTube.
Be sure to Welcome to Travel Time Time Travel.
My name's Dave.
If you'd like to come through.
Can I get you a coffee? Yes, please.
How do you take it? Pure foam.
Is that orally or? Orally.
Hi there.
I'm Rob.
And how can I help you? I've got a booking to see The Beatles play in 1969.
Can I have your passport, please? Thank you Yoko.
Oh, I see you're an artist.
That's where the real money is.
Not since Tuesday.
Why, what happened Tuesday? Didn't you hear, man? Someone did the last thing.
Everything has been done, ever.
What, every single thing? Yeah, apparently.
(Groans) Even that? Oh.
Ahh! Ugh Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's Haven't you seen that? Well, your academy grades are impressive.
I like how you come across on social media.
I try to maintain a balance between fun and philosophical.
But do you have formal qualifications in time travel? No, but I can go back in time and get some.
I like that.
Well, thanks for your time, Trix.
It was great to meet you.
We'll give you a call soon.
Thank you.
If you let your hair out, you'll pass as avant-garde.
(Thinking) Will Rob report to the Manager's office? That's Rob, to the Manager's office.
Our national security is under threat.
The Australians are attempting to steal our technologies, people, products and ideas from us and claim them as their own.
Operation Big Brother is our biggest offensive to date.
We're sending a crack team of Kiwi secret agents into enemy territory to do whatever is necessary to prevent Australia from laying claims to our patents and protected people of interest.
So what do you say, Mr Thinge? Do you want to help save your country, or do you just want to go back to killing possums? I think I can balance the two.
You're a flippin' psycho.
You got a screw loose! And you're a potential risk.
I've seen your desk - paperclips and whatnot strewn about, willy-nilly.
You're out of control.
Got no control, huh? I got heaps of control.
Watch this.
Roger! (Groans) What the bloody hell did you do that for? I'm sorry, Mum.
I was trying to kick the ciggie out of his mouth, but he moved his head.
He didn't flippin' move.
Yeah, he did.
No, he didn't, Roger.
You just didn't see it.
Oi, have a free kick.
Go on.
Sorry, Mum.
You can kick me back.
I see you're doing the whole normcore thing.
I dig your overalls.
They're pretty generic.
I like the whole kind of look like Jack Sparrow.
I don't actually know who that is 'cause I only watch Euro indie films.
Why haven't I seen you around Bondi before? I don't know.
Did you just move here? No, but I've been pretty busy lately.
Doing what, reading The Game and learning how to land chicks? No, actually.
Been running my own fashion label.
Got a few things going on.
I do .
do some DJing and Hey, man, that Ksodomi shoot, that latest Ksodomi catalogue, the shapes that your body make are so cramazing.
Thanks, man.
It's really humbling.
It's all good.
How is that humbling? How is anything anything? So did you get to work directly with Dan Bingle, or was it more remote? Yeah, I worked directly with Dan.
He's a peach, man.
So cool.
He's actually a real inspiration for our brand.
We've got our own fashion label.
Keeps us pretty busy.
So fucking busy.
Really? What's it called? It's called It's called nothing? It's not called nothing, it's just not called anything.
Oh, right.
I haven't heard of it.
No, you wouldn't have.
That's Exactly the point.
If you can't name something, you can't comment on it, nor can then you shape what we originally intended the idea to be.
That sounds like a really interesting concept, hey? Thanks, man.
It's like an actual thing though, right that exists? Sorry, like, in the material sense? Yeah.
We're so fucking busy with it.
Keeps us really Dominic! Anthony, man.
What's happening? You're what - just ignoring the customers now? No, no.
I wasn't ignoring him.
I was just creating demand or some shit.
The other one of them was just as bad.
That's it.
You're fired, Dominic.
What about me, Anthony, am I fired too? No, you're not fired.
You actually have to be working here to be fired.
So buy something, or fuck off! OK.
So what have you been doing in Bondi anyway? (Mumbles) .
Westfield or some shit.
You're mumbling.
(Continues muttering) Guy does not know what he's doing.
That place is doomed without us.
Oh, totes.
Mine's a quintuple espresso.
Mine's a soy.
I'm actually watching my testosterone at the moment.
Sorry about that.
Stop trying to be Jared Leto.
Who are you writing to, your new BFF on Facie-B? Phoenix is good people, Dom, OK, and he's connected to loads of good person.
Why don't you eat him out? It's called networking, Dom.
Imagine having Phoenix's name behind our not-a-name.
You know his real name's actually Chad? No, his name's actually Chaddiwa-Ngo-E-Ha.
It's the spirit name given to him by the Bakuna-Kuna-(Clunk) tribe of the Angola.
It means 'fertile soldier'.
Fucking try-hard.
He invited us for a jam tonight, if you'd like to come.
Is Kelly going? Fuck knows about Kelly.
But if you're coming, you have to promise you won't be a jelly baby.
We don't need any jellocity ruining the vibe.
I want to get there and show Phoenix we're on his level.
The problem, Adrian, is that nobody's on my level.
I don't know if you noticed, but I just ordered a quintuple espresso, OK? Ah, boom.
I need to shit, pronto.
Rob, there's no easy way for me to say this, so I'm just going to use telepathy.
I'm pregnant.
Wow! I am so sorry! Uh, yeah, my deepest commiserations.
No, it's been approved, Rob.
Great! You and Brian and Declan and Anderson and Gretchen and Tina and Jacob and Frederick and Fred, ah, and Khal Drogom must be over the moon.
Have you picked a sex yet, or No, we want to keep that a surprise.
But we have chosen a type - petite Asian with a touch of autism.
Oh! Beautiful.
Great investment.
Really smart.
So warping you straight into this Beatles concert.
The thing about concerts is that there are a lot of people around, so I'm probably going to have to warp you straight into, like, a toilet.
If you wanted a more glamorous evening, I could probably warp you backstage.
Backstage? Rob, I'm going to take my maternity leave.
As in, the whole ten years? The How would you like to become Travel Time's first-ever white, male store manager? Um The time key, much like a child, is a heavy burden of responsibility.
That's amazing.
Keep it secret.
Keep it safe.
Yeah, absolutely.
I will big time.
Do you have a key ring? Sorry.
It's not really something we're supposed to do, but for, say, a bit of carbon on the side, a cheeky one-fitty or so OK.
Nice doing business with you, Yoko.
Whatever gets me closer to Ringo.
Have a safe warp.
You OK, Yoko? Oh, it's so weird.
I've seen so much.
And you're still in the same place as when I left.
Don't worry, don't worry! Ha-ha-ha! Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry Davemeister.
I've got Rob, let's pitch this Time Tiki Tours thing.
I want to do it this afternoon.
I don't think it's pitch-ready.
I've been thinking about that.
So, lke, 12 time zones, 12 hours, the sickest parties in human history.
That's like that's the whole pitch.
I got a promotion.
As Kiwi Assassins, you must learn to defend yourselves in hand-to-hand combat.
The single most important move in the ancient and exotic lost art of karate is the splits.
As soon as you have mastered the splits, you can fight everything, on multiple levels.
(Groaning) You must learn to become the darkness, silent, swift and invisible.
Spotlight! Yep.
Roger, I've got you! Go back.
I did! Roger, stop cheating.
You're just spoiling it for everyone.
Got you, Thinge.
Close, but no cigar.
# Suddenly, the road is crystal-clear # You know what you have to do # Don't give up Push the limits of your ability # Do what your heart tells you # There comes a time when you must prove yourself And leave your life behind Check out this bottom slide.
# Be at your peak-performance capability And push it to the limit Check it out, Thinge - I'm going to full do a handbrake 180.
# I'll run through the night # With you # I'll be your cover fire, my bro # I'll run into the night with you I'll be your cover fire, my bro Spotlight.
# You have a dream and your dream is your power # And there's no stopping you now # When you get sore and you don't know how to go on # Just push it to the limit # Never give up There's too much at stake # Feel the burn inside # Your heart's on fire and it's ready to break, oh, yeah But you push it to the limit (Whispering) Spotlight.
# I'll run into the night # With you # I'll be your cover fire, my bro # I'll run into the night with you # I'll be your cover fire, my bro # I'll run into the night with you I'll be your cover fire, my bro Hey, Mum? Check this out.
THINGE: And for dessert, Mum.
But have you got what it takes to call yourself a Kiwi Assassin? These management retreats are fucked, man.
You go away, do all this corporate, team-building bullshit and come back a douchebag.
Ah! Stop that.
I'm going to go there, go through all the motions, dance the little dance, and I'll come back the best boss ever.
The best boss ever? Yes! The best boss ever.
Promise? Bro, I promise.
Can we try and get Time Tiki Tours going when you get back? Definitely, yeah.
If we don't, somebody else will, and.
man, that idea has so many legs, it's ridiculous.
Listen to the Rob dog.
Already speaking fluent douchebag.
Shut up! Get out of it.
You shut up.
You shut up! Get out of it.
Shut your mouth.
So is this ayahuasca shit supposed to do anything, or Yeah, man, trust me.
It just comes on a little slow.
This is the stuff that inspired Ben Lee's latest album.
It's crazy.
I actually got Ben Lee into it.
Crazy, eh? Ben Lee, as in, that folk singer with Benjamin Button's disease? What Dom's trying to say is that Ben's face has a really interesting energy.
No, actually, what I was trying to say is that that guy looks like he's 13 going on 74.
So, Phoenix, it's pretty cool that you can, like, just get high with your dad.
I hate my dad.
That's not my dad, man.
That's the shaman.
He's here to protect the space from dark energies.
The fuck you looking at? So Phoenix, what's your modelling sched like at the moment? Fuck, shit! I was meant to talk to you about this commercial we're casting next week.
Casting? I'm just getting back into modelling.
I'm not really doing TVCs anymore.
I'm going to LA for pilot season.
I'm also going to LA for pilot season.
Are you? So, ah Well, this shit's obviously doing nothing.
Could we rack it up? Ayahuasca's not really a party drug, man.
Well, neither is bath salt, but One more for me and one more for him.
No, no, no.
I'm fine.
Where the fuck are my pants? Do you want another one, Kelly? Ah, yeah.
Fuck it.
Why not? Good, Kelly.
Very good, Kelly.
You should probably go slow, hey? I don't think it's Kelly's first barbecue.
(Wolves howl) Ades? No, no, no.
I don't know Baby steps.
Baby steps, Dom.
Let's chuck on some tunes.
What's your jam, Kelly? Can we please try and maintain a tranquil vibe? Hey, relax, man.
(Trance music plays) I'm fucking killing it right now.
Kill me! (Shrieks) Just relax, man.
We're fucking killing it right now.
Who filled this room with 'snarkes'? Who filled this room with snakes? Please! Blur-bla-bla-blah! Blur-bla-blur-bargh! (Speaks gibberish) They look like sparkly little lights.
It's just so beautiful.
It makes me feel really small.
It's incredible! It's just so vast.
Look at that.
See that? What does it mean? We know so little.
Seriously, this is actually doing my head in.
There's got to be other life out there! Yeah, there has to be! So this is the time-space network.
You can browse through history, choose your destinations.
These are all our set packages.
Fuck off.
Check ya.
This is the fun stuff - this is the backtracking.
These are areas of historical importance.
They're kind of no-go zones, but you can find ways to bend the rules, especially when your best mate's the boss, and he's going to be the best boss ever.
Speaking of which You can grab that, actually.
Travel Time Time Travel.
This is Trix.
Yo! Davemeister.
How are things? And now for your final test.
The Kiwi Assassin must be prepared to do whatever it takes.
You must kill your partner.
Mum, what are you (Bang!) Fuck! Trying to kill me, hey?! (Bang!) Oh, fuck! They're blanks.
Well done, boys, you passed the test.
(Bang!) Oh! Motherfucker! Oi! Test is over, test is over! (Gunshots, shouting) Cut it out, you fellas! Just cut it out, you fellas! How do you like that, huh? (Bang!) Ahh! My eye! Mum, he shot me in the eyes with the dirt.
Shit! (Screams) (Bang!) Mum, he shot me! (Shouting continues) This is a love that never ends.