Soul Mates (2014) s01e02 Episode Script


1 Drop the bags or I'll drop you, egg.
Who are you people? The New Zealand Munistry of Dufinse.
How would you like to kill for a living? I already do that.
I'm talking about Australians.
Does this mean I've got no more brothers? You can make some children.
The Tree of Life will give us children when it's ready.
The Tree of Life is getting disgusting.
We've got a fashion label.
What's it called? It's called It's called nothing? It's not called nothing.
It's just not called anything.
Imagine having Phoenix's name behind our not-a-name.
Just relax, man.
We're fucking killing it right now.
Let's pitch Time Tiki Tours thing.
12 time zones, 12 hours, the sickest parties in history.
I got a promotion.
Management retreats are fucked.
I'll come back the best boss ever.
Yo, Davemeister! How sweet is this? Oh, a double bed! I call dibs.
In your dreams, Roger.
This is bullshit.
I full called dibs.
Hey, Thinge, I call dibs on the You snooze, you lose, Blade.
You boys go get acclimatised while I set up.
But be on your guard.
This is a land of harsh and unforgiving terrain.
Seems like they have a pool.
Did you pack a spare pair of togs? So this is life in the big smoke, eh? I could get used to this.
I don't know about that, Rog.
It's too busy for me.
I feel dispersed.
Arrgh! Oh, shit! What is it? Bindi! Nature's fighting back! Oh, fuck! For fuck's sake! Oh! Argh! # We've lived a thousand lives together # And we'll be best friends forever # In a mostly platonic sense # This is a love that never ends # Never ends, never ends This is a love that never ends.
Australia even has predators in its grass.
You ready? It's going to sting.
Son of a bitch! Setting foot outside without your jandals on.
What did you expect? A walk in the park? Let this be a lesson to you, boys.
We're not here on vacation.
This is a matter of national security.
We're calling this one Operation Rusty Crow.
Two tickets for the Bexley Amateur Dramatics Society? I thought you said vacation was over.
It is, but the party's just getting started.
Finally, some flippin' action.
Shit! Sorry, Mum.
A loose cannon.
I've been drinking, haven't I? Dom.
Thanks for coming in.
Sorry about the short notice.
Yeah, no worries.
I haven't read the script or anything.
It's pretty simple shit.
More about the look than anything else.
And you've got the right look.
The brief was, 'Hipster.
' Right.
I'm not a hipster but.
OK, name and agent.
Dom Nadar.
Dominators International.
And profile.
And thank you.
OK, so, on action, you need to take a bite and say, 'So soft and fluffy, it's like a cloud in my mouth.
' Can I say that with a look? No, you can't say it with a look.
Say it with words, from your mouth, after you swallow the bread.
The bread? Surely you don't want me to eat that? It's, like, an OHandS issue.
Mate, just eat the bread.
Fix it in post.
There's no such thing as post.
This is a casting.
What, so they can computer-generate blue aliens who tail-fuck their pet computer-generated dragons on a computer-generated planet so lush it drives real people to kill themselves, but you can't computer-generate a slice of white bread? OK, thanks a lot, mate.
We'll be in touch.
Oh, fuck, I'm sorry, Martin Scorsese! If you want to sell cancer-causing nothingness to bogan mothers who feed it to their ADD-riddled children disguised as a nutritious meal, that's your life choice, but I'm a model, man.
My rig is my only asset.
If it's my face on this ad, it's only fair I'm given the chance to put pepper on the script, and that my creative feedback is taken seriously, not brushed aside before it's presented to the client.
Yeah, that's right.
I know the process.
I've been around the traps.
What can I say? I work a lot.
Dom! I got the job? No, you didn't.
You forgot this.
Oh, right.
You should frame that or something.
That was fucking all-time.
See ya around, Kelly.
If you want, I can add you on, like, Instagram or Yeah.
Tinder? Tinder.
Got a Tinder? That's good, Kelly.
Very good, Kelly.
Hey, Sticksy, let's go clubbing.
You go, though.
Come on, Sticksy.
I'm over the whole Clubbing's not very nice, is it? If you like someone, why would you smash them over the head with a weighty piece of tree? Because it's a guaranteed knock-out.
Yes, but what if you're a woman? Yeah, but I'm not a woman.
I know that, I know that.
But are we that different? Well, yeah.
We've got a penis and they've got a bug's cave.
But do you ever think that we're more than just this physical body, like there's something inside us that thinks about stuff and has hopes and dreams and Yeah.
I know what you mean, but women don't have that.
But they do, though.
Clubbing's what my dad taught me.
He also taught you to throw poo when you're cranky, 'cause he's a monkey.
Take that back.
Take what back? You take that back! I can't take back the fact that your dad is an actual monkey.
# MOZART: Requiem He's technically proficient, I'll give him that, but what can an eight-year-old tell me about suffering? I don't know.
Maybe one time his uncle came into his caravan and took some photos of him in his jocks, and he felt a bit sad about it, but then didn't want to tell his mum 'cause he was worried she'd get mad at him, so he just bottled it up inside and took it out on the rugby field one day or something like that, 'cause he's flippin' brilliant.
It would seem Mum would agree with you.
Stop calling her 'Mum'.
She's not even your mum.
She's actually your mum? No, I call her 'Mum' 'cause she's my dad.
I just thought it was an espionage thing or whatnot.
Get your own mum.
Maybe I will.
What's that supposed to mean? Shh! But her last name is 'Taumeupeu' and your last name is 'Blade'.
'Blade' is my secret-agent name.
Yours can be 'The Egg'.
That's his aunty, Hazel van Crowe, former Miss New Zealand herself.
She's flippin' beautiful.
She's the mission, Blade, and don't you forget it.
NARRATOR: Here, there are no buts, only bubble butts.
The Church of CrossFit.
No-one in the universe tries harder than us.
Did you boys catch the Steroid Olympics last night? It was crazy.
The 100m final was on, and this one guy crossed the finish line - he exploded.
See? That's why we're into natural fitness.
Functional exercise, eat Paleo.
That's what we do.
Paleo, huh? There hasn't been any carb in my family for two generations.
Props and costumes are just over there.
For anything you can't find lying around, there's a 3-D printer.
Sometimes you have to give it a kick, especially if Dave's tried to print off a sandwich.
If Dave prints what? Davemeister! Woo-hoo-hoo! Maybe you should join us at CrossFit this Sunday.
I respect your beliefs, although I don't personally subscribe to them.
Rob, maybe you should give CrossFit a go.
You look like you could use some mobility work.
It's probably actually safer for things without spines.
Is everything OK, Dave? 'Cause you've been acting a bit weird lately.
I've been acting weird? Mm.
I was going to say, you've been acting kind of like a white good.
I might have scrubbed up, man, but it's still me.
They program you to say that? (Electronic voice) Negative.
Just joshing you, man.
That was really funny.
I'm still Rob Dog, I'm still R to the D.
I'm still Rob Doggy-Dog.
Prove it.
Let's get on it - let's go out.
Hit up a triple-titty bar.
Hells, yeah! Yeah? But I can't actually leave the office .
Alright, then.
Let's put on Friday drinks tonight.
But it's a Tuesday.
Are you the Rob Dog or are you the Dog Bot? I'll leave it with you.
Hey, check out these cavemen.
Look how thick her neck is.
There is literally no difference between her ankles and her thighs.
That head could crack a coconut.
Look at her overbite.
She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Man! She's carrying the shit out of that rock.
Oi, check out that minger.
(Retches) How are you alive? Shh! (Giggles) She full can't do anything.
Do something! Shh! Personally, I prefer my doilies neatly stitched as opposed to haphazard.
I don't even use a doily.
I'll bet you don't.
I'm going to cut to the quick, Mrs Crowe.
The New Zealand Association for Dairy and Drama sorely regrets your defection.
Beg your pardon - your departure from home soil.
Russell likes it here.
In case you haven't noticed, he is doing pretty well for himself.
Yes, but is he doing well for New Zealand, Mrs Crowe? We're willing to offer Russell a full scholarship for New Zealand's most prestigious drama school - Aunty May's Little Stars in Lower Woodend in Christchurch.
I'll have to mull it over.
So how does a star full-back find himself in the employ of NZ Dairy and Drama? I'm afraid you have me mistaken.
Do I? I watched you play for Wai Tiki Tiki every weekend up until we moved in '75.
That's funny.
You never mentioned that you played rugby.
Well, what kind of person doesn't play rugby? Some of us choose to referee though, don't we? (Bedstead bangs) HAZEL: Oh, yes, yes! That's the stuff.
What's this shit? Milk.
What do they feed the cows over here? Matilda buffalo grass or something? I don't know.
Hey, you know, NZ's the best place for dairy.
It's the best place for acting too.
You could be our next Nathan Telerothamupapau.
That's what my dad used to say.
I'm sorry your dad's dead.
I don't even have a dad.
But hey, you can't even really tell.
So are you going to go back to NZ? I don't know.
Aunty Hazel wants me to, but I don't.
Why not? You're telling me the only thing stopping you going back to New Zealand is this little fella? Mm-hmm.
Tugboat, this is Roger .
my other best friend.
'Roger Taumeupeu misses kick.
' There you are, Blade.
(Door crashes open) Looking for something, Thinge? I reckon I just found it.
One times vodka spirulina for the new chick and a brewski for the Rob Dog.
Ah, nah, I'm good, man.
Get out of it! No, I'm pretty much off the booze now, so What? Yeah, 'fraid so, man.
Bit of a health thing.
It's a little corrosive.
One drink's not going to hurt you.
Well, it pretty much will destroy my entire system.
Oh, right, yeah, yeah, 'cause Yeah.
So do you eat? No.
But I still really enjoy the smell.
So you're fully sustainable? Yeah, but I don't like to brag.
It's just what I am now.
Have you got a dick? Do you? Is it just me, or is she digging on the old Rob Doggy? Your days of being a chick magnet are over.
Now you're more like an actual magnet.
That's not what Heather thinks.
Oh, yeah? Who's Heather? No-one.
You got yourself a little cuddle chip, have ya? Got yourself a little tasty treat, eh? Rob Dog got himself a little Scooby snack? Easy.
Well, where did you meet? Actually, online, yeah.
Dave! You're better than that.
Yeah, right.
(Electronic voice) Cease and desist! He let New Zealand down, or did you forget that? Or maybe you let the love for your son get in the way of the love for your country? Don't talk to me about my patriotism, you little pissant.
I've been fighting and fucking for this country since before you had your first milk moustache.
You must be getting on a wee bit, then, because I've been drinking milk since before I could walk.
(Breathes heavily) The bunny, the bunny! It's all about the bunny.
What are youse doing here in the dark, you weirdos? Oh, you playing Spotlight? Give us a go.
Hey, supsies, brah? How did your audish go? Oh, you know Ben Sherman.
We had some creative differences.
They wanted me to shave my chest.
Dom, don't you dare.
It's a good thing I didn't.
I saw Kelly.
She wants to go for a bevvy.
Well, I hope you told her to fuck off, because we've got work to do.
Just one bevvy with Kelly.
We can't afford to be thinking with our ding-a-lings right now.
I'm thinking with my career.
My daddy didn't give me his credit card to fall back on.
Well, I don't even have a credit card, so Then how are you alive? Because I do odd jobs.
Really odd jobs.
Yeah, whatever.
The point is, we should be creating right now, making things, not running around Bondi looking for a salty snack.
Why are you trying to force the process? Things come to me when I'm out and about.
OK, like what, for examps? Like the Etch A Sketch hoodie.
That was actually my idea.
The blood diamante bracelet? That was also my idea.
The tight-fitted sports burka? Dom! Ninjas have been wearing those for hundreds of years, man.
It's different.
Listen, you don't need to go somewhere to discover something.
Everything we need is inside us, between us.
In this room is a whole universe of possibility.
# Come with me on a creative journey # To the wonder inside our minds # If we combine our creative energies # We'll nail a big idea tonight # Things aren't always as they seem, you see # Our living room, it is a world of dreams # Take my hand, Dom Together we will go # Can we order one times bag of coke? # Dream, adore, design, explore # Create and spawn a metaphor # We shape and hatch and formulate # Discover, imagine, originate # We'll find and hatch and innovate # We'll shape, invent, initiate # We'll get to the core and show the world # Something that's never been done before # Come on, Dom, let's crack a big idea # Let's turn the industry on its head # We've got everything we need right here # I think I need a cigarette # It's a world of ideas that has no end # You can have a hot bath with your bestest friend # Rocksteady rubs a lotion on its skin # Bebop gently guides his penis in # Dream, adore, design, explore # Create and spawn and you're a freak # We'll shape and hatch and fabricate # Discover, imagine or imitate # 'Cause everything has been done before # There's nothing original left anymore # We're going to fail I hate myself # Creating is raping my mental health # Fight to silence my inner voices # Questioning my creative choices # An overwhelming sense of regret # Distracting myself on the internet # I fall down a rabbit hole # Deeper and deeper the further I scroll # Facebook status, ex-girlfriend's page # Some guy writing comments I'm filled with rage # Conspiracies, cover-ups, Alex Jones # The infinite universe, UFOs # Countless YouTube videos # The Guardian, Upworthy Huffington Post # Lies, lies! Politicians # Gay marriage, human-rights violations # Boat people, illegal immigration # Disease, deformities, reincarnation # Bombing people, craters and planets # Stars of the zodiac, Mayan calendar # End of the world, apocalypse Apocalypse, apocalypse! Fuck, man, we're getting nothing done here.
Yeah, totally.
It would be good to get out of this space for awhile.
I hate this space.
Fuck this space.
Worst space ever.
I'll punch this space in its dick.
And then, after uni, I volunteered for this time-charity project, where we taught building tech to these ancient Egyptians.
So rewarding.
We should get Trix to come along on Time Tiki Tours.
It's good to travel with hot chicks.
'Hot chicks'? Who says that? Dave spent a lot of time back in time.
Technically, he's only 15 years old.
Am I? Rob and I have known each other awhile, you know? We met backtracking back on the Gold Coast back in 2012.
Remember Wet'n'Wild, Rob? Yeah.
Pretty good, eh? Sick! Good times.
Your water-sliding days might be over.
Probably kill a kid.
(Yawns) Oh, gosh.
I might go hit the sack.
Feeling a little bit low on energy - down to my last few bars.
Old Heather cracking the whip, is she? Are you seeing Heather? You know Heather? I know of Heather.
I've heard she's amazing.
Put it this way - Roboss is not doing too badly for himself.
'Roboss?' Who the fuck is Roboss? You can't give yourself a nickname.
That's what he is - he's a Roboss 2000.
You know what they called him at school? Biffy, 'cause he had spina bifida.
We all go through our awkward phase.
Tell me about it.
I was the only girl in the academy that wasn't genetically modified.
Well, Trix, you cannot even tell.
Thanks, Dave.
I like your baldness.
Yeah? You know, I've always wanted a straight, male friend, to have someone around who's sweet and awkward, 'cause he just wants to have sex with you.
It's so flattering.
That's mad.
MAN, ON TV: The Carbon Credit Union.
Breathe easy.
WOMAN, ON TV: Robots.
Robots are people too.
OK, so what's the deal? Like, I just go and talk to her? Yeah, that's it.
You just go and tell her you like her.
But I've got butterflies in my tummy.
I told you not to eat so many.
Next time, I'm going to chew them.
Good luck, Rocky! I (Grunts) What happened? It's no use.
She's got some kind of magic spell that makes her impossible to talk to.
Ah What if I talk to her? On your behalf.
Would you have to cut off my mouth in order to No, no.
I can use my own.
Um, my friend, Rocky, likes you.
What do you think? Do you like him back? So what do you say, Mum? Think we could pull a few strings, get Russell Crowe's bunny through Customs? What you're asking can't be done, Roger.
The Department of Quarantine is .
Well, if Russell's bunny won't get going, perhaps it should get what's coming to it.
Flippin' psycho.
Or maybe I'm just willing to do what needs to be done, Rog.
Thinge is right, goddammit.
Your first target as Kiwi Assassins - Russell Crowe's bunny.
I want a refund.
Sorry, but we don't do refunds.
You warped me off a cliff.
Dave, you didn't calculate erosion.
I'm sorry, but some things change, and there's nothing we can do about that.
Do you have any idea how expensive it was to harvest my clone? Nah.
Did it cost you an arm and a leg? Who's in charge around here? Oh, the rubbish bin.
Is everything OK? Nah.
She broke her neck.
Look, I know how you must feel about the whole me-being-your-boss thing - overlooked, anxious, low levels of serotonin.
Sorry, are you scanning me right now? I just need you on my team, man.
OK? I've got head office breathing down my back, things are starting to get serious with me and Heather.
You're behind in your targets, you're coming in to work drunk, your eyes look like little raisins in porridge.
I mean, it was Tuesday night, for cripe's sake.
Yeah, it was - Tuesday the 25th, my birthday.
Man, I'm sorry.
That's fine.
Just my birthday, just my sweet 16th.
I'll make it up to you.
Promise? I promise.
I'm going to hold you to that.
Let me get this straight - she had sex with you with her mouth? Yeah.
Was it good? It was better.
Better? It was I can't really describe how good it was, but it was really good.
Well, that changes everything.
How so? (Gags) So yeah, we just ended up spending the rest of the day just coming up with fashion ideas, you know, just jamming on the label, just doing creative shit, really.
So you were just joking about me being blacklisted, right? No, I wasn't.
You're literally blacklisted from every casting agency in Sydney, you legend.
Well, yeah, that's pretty legendary.
Yeah, that's cool.
Hey, Ades? Yeah? Want to get a round? Me and Kelly are up.
I got the last three rounds, Dom.
That's OK, just put the next one on your dad.
Yeah, but I don't have my dad's card, so Yeah, but we both know you do though, so OK.
Yep, sure, I'll just go and put it on a tab.
Thanks, Adrian.
Yeah, thanks, Mr Archer! Woo! Hey, Kelly, I was thinking, later, we could maybe grab a bag.
Yeah, let's get a bag.
That's good, Kelly.
That's very good, Kelly.
Whoa! Sorry, bro.
Let me buy you another drink.
Mate, is this guy giving you a hard time? No, he's fine.
I want you to leave.
I didn't do anything! But you're about to.
What are you talking about? # Two alpha males fuelled by primal instinct # A wondrous modern dance # Look how their bodies are moving in sync # This is true romance # Look how they make this physical connection # A delicate expression of sexual tension # In any other situation they could be bros # But masculinity's been long forgotten # Why do we confine testosterone in cotton? # Dom, I have the idea for our fashion show We just purchased one times bag of coke.
Captions by CSI Australia