Soul Mates (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

Above and Beyond

1 Is everything OK, Dave? 'Cause you've been acting a bit weird lately.
You're behind in your targets, you're coming in to work drunk.
It was Tuesday night, for cripe's sake.
Tuesday the 25th, my birthday.
She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
My friend Rocky likes you.
Do you like him back? That's it.
You're fired, Dominic.
What about me? Am I fired too? You have to be working here to be fired.
We should be creating right now, making things, not running around Bondi looking for a salty snack.
Russell likes it here.
In case you haven't noticed, he is doing pretty well for himself.
The only thing stopping you going back to New Zealand is this little fella? Mm-hmm.
Your first target as Kiwi Assassins - Russell Crowe's bunny.
Since the dawn of eternity, mankind has lived in imbalance.
Even in this day and age, women have been objectified and sexualised.
So unfair.
Why should they get to have all the fun? I give you the W-neck.
The male nipple has no purpose.
Well, except to be flaunted.
So go on, flaunt it, boy.
I give you the X-neck, the Y-neck, the X-Y-Z-neck.
Men are tired of being judged for their wits, personality and guitar-playing skills.
Check out my pecs, not my pay packet.
Introducing Windows 9.
5 - 9.
5 windows to the male body.
Biceps, angel wings, snakebite, butt cleavage, pituitary gland, lumbar spine, inner thigh, vas deferens, deltoids and my personal favourite, the throat.
Introducing Y-leg jeans.
You've seen side boob, side bum, but nothing will prepare you for side ball.
Side ball side ball.
Sorry about it.
Today, we're offering you the opportunity to get in at the ground level.
The brand is looking for an investment partner to help fund our fashion launch, and who better or more ironic to fund up-and-coming artists than Philip Hunter and Bligh Investments? Look, I know what you're thinking - 'Two cats from Bondi, edgy fashion brand.
This shit can't fail.
' # We've lived a thousand lives together # And we'll be best friends forever # In a mostly platonic sense # This is a love that never ends # Never ends, never ends This is a love that never ends.
Roger, you run point on this.
I want you to contact Aunty Hazel and arrange another sexual encounter.
Mum.
What? You don't think sex is part of international espionage, Roger, eh? You think because I'm your mum, I haven't had loads of sexy encounters with foreign, exotic men? Like my dad? Watch your mouth, boy.
Did anyone order room service? Boys, I'd like to introduce you to your quartermaster.
Codename 'Q'.
Hey, it's nice to meet you, but I didn't order any room service.
Did you guys? Roger, Q's a weapons expert.
He doesn't actually work at the hotel.
Not full-time.
Got a few things on the go.
Lamb shank? Oh, choice.
Smells pretty sweet.
So what do you reckon? You boys want to hear the specials? We're all ears, Mr Q.
So's your target, by the looks of things.
Sacred Fire, you are the light in my darkness.
Thank you for keeping me warm.
You are my hope.
You are my strength.
You're wasting your time, man.
I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Sacred Fire, I am really sorry about Rocky.
You do know that everyone thinks you're a weirdo, right? If you don't like it, why don't you go away and leave me and my god alone? I just don't get why you think that's God when I've already told you that's God.
I love you, God.
The Feminazi Alliance wishes you a happy White Male Awareness Day.
Be sure to report for your non-compulsory diversity training or else! Yo, Trix, re diversity training this afternoon, I just wanted to give you a word of warning re Dave.
Relax, Roboss.
I pretty much majored in Dave at uni.
Right, I get it.
But still (Electronic voice) Warning! Nah, it'll be fine.
First you tell me I'm behind in my targets, then you tell me you want me to do some diversity-training bullshit.
Which one is it? 'Cause there's only one of me, Rob.
It shouldn't come as a surprise.
It was all in the memo.
You mean the memo that was 6,000 pages long, that memo? So you got the memo? Yeah.
It was written in fucking binary code.
It's two numbers, Dave! Hey, Soseh.
Yeah, come in.
I'll be with you in a sec.
Who's that? Someone rich.
She's in tattoo removals, man.
Tattoo removals.
In business, it's important to be prepared for anything, which is why we've done a SWOHT analysis.
Strengths - ground-breaking, underground, sex appeal and made in Australia.
Now, why manufacture unethically in offshore, Asian factories when you can do the same thing right here? Thanks to the influx of boat peeps, there are plenty of Asians accepting low-cost work right here in Bondi Junction.
Weaknesses - none.
So what's this big idea? Something I've been working on for a while now.
Won't be cheap.
Oh, not that Tiki Time thing you're always going on about? No.
What's the one thing every time traveller wants to do but can't? I don't want to meet Jesus.
I'm Jewish.
Not that.
The other thing.
Mm-hmm.
Never underestimate the deadliness of ordinary household objects.
If you want a directional flamethrower, combine one times lighter .
.
with one times personal deodorant .
.
you've got a recipe for devastation.
Et pour apres, combine a SodaStream canister with the firework properties of a Tom Thumb, you've got a recipe for explosions.
Now you're talking my language.
Yup, that's good.
Just like that? Yeah, nice and thick.
Oh.
This is bullshit.
I'll show you how we handle that business in Wai Tiki Tiki.
(Explosion) Nice strike, Roger.
Flippin' 'eck.
A toy bunny is one thing, but the real thing is something else entirely.
Get your arse back into bed, Thinge.
You bet.
Why does everyone always want to kill Hitler? Why not Pol Pot, why not Stalin, why not Supreme Chancellor Abbott? If you kill Stalin, and you tell people about it, they're going to be, 'Meh,' but if you kill Hitler, you're a boss.
Obviously, you told her no.
No, I told her I would ask the best boss ever.
Part of being the best boss ever is knowing when to say no.
That's a stupid idea.
We can't change human history.
Hitler's gonna shoot himself in his bunker anyway, or maybe he isn't.
Maybe it's going to be a rich, little tattoo removalist from the future who's going to pay us enough to hit our fucking targets.
Come on, Rob Dog.
The yellow ball is in front of the floating triangle.
All you've got to do is elbow it over the chabumba.
Dave, this is not a game of Scrubbly Bar.
Forget it, man.
What, like you forgot my birthday? Alright, it's loaded, good to go.
Nah, you want to hold it on the side - it's way more badass.
Like this? Good, yep.
Soseh, if anything goes wrong Panic button.
Got it.
Crank it up, Rob Dog.
Nice one.
Yeah.
Targets hit.
Yeah.
Come in, Blake.
Are you there? It's go-time, Roger.
And I think I can see your penis.
Yep, that's definitely your penis.
Flippin' Thinge.
Target acquired.
Deploy the payload.
Proceeding with explosion.
I'm sorry, little fella.
Hey, Roger.
Ah, shit.
Uh, what are you doing? Uh .
.
I was just saying hello to your little bunny friend.
What's that on the back? Well, that's just a wee jet pack.
A jet pack? Mm-hmm.
Cool.
Do you think we should make some more? Ah Or we could watch TV, or whatever you want to do.
Tell you what, Russ, why don't you go run along and play outside for a while? I'll catch up with you.
I would, but it's going to get dark soon and the .
.
Taniwha might get me.
I used to be scared of the Taniwha too, till I punched its head off.
Now the Taniwha ain't got no head, so you got no reason to be scared of no Taniwha without a head.
I guess not.
Best run off then, eh? Yep, OK.
Cool, bud.
Um, Roger? I was just thinking, um .
.
that it would be really cool if .
.
I don't know maybe you could be my dad.
Roger, confirm the call.
Come in, Roger.
Roger, can you hear me? Come in, Blake, you loose cannon! I'm just saying, maybe you'd change your mind if you were to experience some of my god's warmth.
Yeah, well, my god's warm too, and he makes noises that mean special things.
That's the sound a goat makes when a goat is being a goat.
Shut up.
Your god doesn't even have legs.
He doesn't need legs.
My god can ride the wind.
Well, my god can climb mountains.
My god can reduce an entire forest to ash.
'Cause your god's a dickhead.
My god's full chill, lets me do anything, even pee inside turtle shells.
That's 'cause your god's not even a god, it's a goat.
Your god's just a stupid, red thing.
My god would destroy your god in a fight! Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Yeah! Rocky, your god is delicious.
He gave his life so that we could be fulfilled.
Yeah, and I am so fulfilled.
Mm.
(Stomach rumbles) I can feel him inside me.
Yeah, I heard that.
Sticks, Sticks! Come quick.
God has been reborn.
It's a miracle! Quick, Sticksy! Come on, Sticksy! You'll never believe it! Look - there he is, our god.
Rocky, that's just a poo, man.
Your poo.
Come now.
Did you expect me to be glorious? Breathe in me and you shall have eternal life.
(Chuckles) It's taken the most humble of forms.
Yeah.
I love you, God.
I love you too, Rocky.
Now go forth and spread the word.
And for those who rebuke you, death! (Farts) Opportunities.
Now, this is Phoenix, master of the Lacoste jump.
And as you can see, he is clearly hogging all the buff.
Well, not all the buff.
There's a bit of buff going around.
Oops! A bit of buff there.
That shouldn't be there.
Sorry about that.
Phoenix is the face of Ksodomi, and we're going to make him our brand ambassador.
If he happens to be available at the time.
Dom Just saying.
I don't think it's going to make or break the label.
That's part of the analysis.
Yeah, well.
It all looks great.
How can you just interrupt a SWOH analysis? That's really bad business.
Ksodomi can charge $650 for a pair of jeans.
Do you know why? The pink dollar.
Ksodomi is huge in the gay community.
Trust me, Ades knows what he's talking about.
Ades is all over the gay scene.
I've got to jump on some things now.
Is there something you can leave behind? Hush.
For your initial investment, we'll give you 20% of the cover charge.
Whatever you lose in actual money, you'll make up for in street cred.
And free-drink cards - five free-drink cards.
Well, it all helps, but I really have to get back to work now.
Fuck, Dad! Why can't you just believe in me for once? Oh, come on, Adrian.
I took the time to listen to your presentation, but I've sat here for an hour-and-a-half.
I have a job to do.
So you're OK with enslaving an entire nation in crippling debt, but you won't spin your own son a cheeky ten grand? Adrian, we've had this conversation.
I can't just give you PHB investment money.
We don't even make investments like this.
No, sorry - you're too busy funding wars and mining companies and digging up Indigenous land and dumping it on the Great Barrier Reef.
You know what? # Fuck the banks They're all dead to me # Fuck capitalism and democracy # Fuck tax and the country and the GDP # Just fuck the whole economy # Fuck anyone who works in the CBD # Fuck anyone who went to university # Fuck the Reptilian Dynasty # And fuck the whole Illuminati # The Lizard People watch with all-seeing eye # Atop skyscrapers infinity-storeys high # Spitting on us from the top of the towers # Flying first class, getting golden showers # Such is the life of the affluent # You can get peed on by a flight attendant # You can go stab a dolphin at The Cove # You can wank on an owl at Bohemian Grove BOTH: # Boom, boom, boom That's the sound of the truth bomb # Ring-a-ding-ding That's Barack Obama's intercom # Get Dom and Adrian off the waves 'Cause we're dropping truth bombs like it's the end of days I've got to get a new Travel 10 bus ticket.
You should go kill yourself.
# The United Nations of the new world order # Calcifying your third eye Putting fluoride in the water # Don't believe everything you see on the news # Dom and Adrian are dishing out the brutal truths # On the dark side of the moon there's an alien space station # Broadcasting a signal to the earth's population # You're just a hologram living a holographic life # And there's no such thing as anything # You're not even alive # All the agenda of the 13 families # Manipulating markets toward a one-world currency # Dumping chem trails causing infertility # And motherfuckers have the gall to call that shit a conspiracy? # Lending to lenders to reinvest your investments # Reinvest reinvestments to fund elections for presidents # Who amend the amendments that will decay your intelligence # Welcome, motherfuckers, to the Age of Aquarius # Boom, boom, boom That's the sound of the truth bomb # Ring-a-ding-ding That's Barack Obama's intercom # Get Dom and Adrian off the waves 'Cause we're dropping truth bombs like it's the end of days Last night, something scary happened close to your home.
And on the other side of the world, an even scarier thing happened that you have even less control of.
So right now, you should go out and buy as many things as you can to make yourself feel better while you're still alive.
# The 1% are managing the frequency # Limiting your creative capacity # Using MTV and fuck Channel E # To make you want to be what they want you to be # Not me # Fuck the occult of celebrity # Fuck Miley fucking Cyrus and fuck Jay-Z # Fuck Rupert Murdoch and pay TV # I download all my shit for free # Now, I'm not looking for sympathy # But it feels like the system is fisting me # So just 'cause I want to pursue the arts # I've got to live off my daddy's credit card? # And, what, now I'm supposed to do the nine-to-five # Just to cover the costs of the costs of life? # I won't get on my knees and suck a manager's knob # Just to be another dickhead with a full-time job # Boom, boom, boom That's the sound of the truth bomb # Ring-a-ding-ding That's Barack Obama's intercom # Get Dom and Adrian off the waves 'Cause we're dropping truth bombs like it's the end of days.
Hasta la vista, Hitler.
(Bullet ricochets) You know, I always wanted a son, just like a little me.
Then I wouldn't have to do anything and he'd still turn out awesome.
Now that's rock'n'roll, eh? Good lovin' on the freeway of love tonight.
Come on, Rusty.
Sing it with me, bro.
BOTH: # Good lovin' on the freeway of love tonight.
# That's it, son.
Don't you ever let anyone tell you you can't sing.
If they do, you punch 'em.
If you ever have a problem, you punch it.
OK.
You want a sip? That's it.
Hey, woman! When's dinner ready? (High voice) Ready in a wee tick.
Man, I fucking hate my dad.
You know what else I hate? Yeah? Cleo Bachelor of the Year.
It's actually really fucking lame.
It makes me a little bit unwell.
As if you would, unless your friend entered you in it or something.
No you wouldn't, ever.
Totally.
It's so lame.
But, like, you'd just have to do it 'cause they wanted you to, I reckon.
No, you wouldn't.
Fully.
It'd be pretty cool to get to fuck some random 21-year-olds or some shit, but It's still not an option.
If you won, you wouldn't even accept the award.
You'd be, like, 'Fuck you guys.
' Hold on a sec.
Hello, Dominators International.
How can I direct you? Yep, one moment please.
Hey, this is Dom.
What's up? OK.
Mm.
Yeah, great.
See you then.
Boom! Just like that.
The Dominator just booked a modelling gig.
Hey! Well done, Dom.
That's so great.
Who for? American Apparel.
OK.
Not the American American Apparel, the one that's in the Republic of Djibouti.
It's super-underground, pretty much the most underground country in the world.
Yeah.
That's really cool.
Sorry about it.
Your resume is great and the photos are pretty funny .
.
but I want to know more about you.
What are you passionate about? Um, one of my flatmates once told me that I'm really passionate about staying clean and tidy around the home.
Oh.
Yeah, that's good.
But what about vacuum cleaners? Yeah, I'd say that I'm really, really passionate about vacuum cleaners.
Good.
Welcome to the world of suction.
Thanks, bra.
Before we get started, I'd like to acknowledge the previous custodians of the world - straight, white men.
Yeah.
Can we have it back, please? Good question, Dave.
Remember, there are no bad questions or wrong answers.
There's no anything here today.
Can we go, then? Do you want to talk about what it was like coming out as straight? Notice the reluctance to talk about feelings, and that's OK.
Tolerance.
How do you think he feels, Roboss? Violated.
Ahem! Yes, question? Yeah, look, I'm not a heterophobe or nothing like that, but if you ask me, straight people's problem is they breed too much for the planet to sustain.
Interesting point, Gulliver, but let's not forget you're a pot plant.
Yeah, and? That's a very floricentric worldview.
We grew here, you flew here.
Sorry, this is bullshit.
Alright.
Remember to be tolerant of Gulliver's intolerance.
Can we stop saying 'tolerant?' Be tolerant of the word 'tolerant'.
The important thing is, we're having this conversation about tolerance.
(Speaks German in language) Oh, shit.
Alright, Dave, let Hitler have his say.
Trix, get down! (Gunshot) Get off me, you rapist! (Electronic voice) Warning.
Please put down your weapon.
You have ten seconds to comply.
Initiate.
Ubermensch.
Fire.
(Gasps) Shit! Whoa! Whoa, man! Fuck! Tell me, Russell .
.
how's that pet bunny of yours? (Cocks pistol) Fine, thanks.
Better keep it away from your Uncle Thinge or he might have sex with it.
(Cocks pistol) You know, Rusty, Roger here used to play rugby for Wai Tiki Tiki, but when the pressure was on, he let his country down.
(Cocks pistol) What's all that clicking? But he has a chance to make amends .
.
to show he has what it takes and whatnot.
Aunty Hazel, they've got guns! They've got guns! They've (Wails) So you're the famous Tugboat, hey? Go on, then, Taumeupeu, here's your chance to do New Zealand proud.
The ball's in front of the posts.
All you have to do is kick it over that black dot.
Yeah, that's it.
That's it.
Arrgh! Arrgh! Aw, shit.
(Screams) Hey, Russ, what are you No, take it easy, Thinge.
He's just a kid! No, he's not.
He's a small man.
Hey, Thinge, I think you'd better see this.
Tugboat's had herself some babies.
Must be a dozen of them.
(Cocks pistol) What are you doing? 12 baby bunnies.
That's not an assassination - this is genocide.
Let's not get finicky about semantics.
No.
NO! You're a flippin' psycho! You're a full psycho, hey? That's disgusting! No! I told you to kill Russell Crowe's bunny, not destroy him emotionally and spiritually.
Do you think Aunty May's School for Wee Stars in Woodend, Christchurch, is going to accept him now? The kid's a wreck.
He's damaged goods.
But Mum Get out of my bloody sight! Oh, no, Thinge.
What have we done? Killed his aunty, 13 of his pet bunnies and burned his house down.
We've traumatised that kid beyond belief.
He's going to be the greatest actor of all time.
He's going to turn out to be an awesome person after all.
I didn't say that.
Yo, Dave.
Listen, man, I'm going to need you to stay back and clean up this whole Hitler mess.
Um, but it's your mess.
Please.
If I'm late for dinner again, Heather's going to murder me.
She's so stressed about the wedding - napkin holders, invites You're getting married? Yeah.
Heather and I wanted to know if you'd be one of the groomsmen.
A fucking groomsman? Who's your best man? Gulliver is.
He's responsible.
He's a pot plant.
And he doesn't brag about it.
But he's a pot plant.
He would give you the shirt off his back.
He's a pot plant! Can you stop saying what he is? What are you, Dave? Not a robot, that's for damn sure.
Fine.
I'll clean up your Hitler mess.
You will? Yeah.
I'll clean it right up.
I really appreciate this.
Thanks for being a robot about this whole situation.
Yeah, no worries, man.
Friends are supposed to have each other's back, right? Right.
Yeah.
Re diversity training this afternoon, I just wanted to give you a word of warning re Dave.
Relax, Roboss.
I pretty much majored in Dave at uni.
Right, I get it.
But still (Electronic voice) Warning! Nah, it'll be fine.
First you tell me I'm behind on my targets, then you want me to do some diversity-training bullshit.
Which one is it? 'Cause there's only one of me.
This shouldn't come as a surprise to you? Hey! Sorry, we're closed today.
Yeah, sorry.
Talk soon.
Phew! Identify yourself! Relax, man.
I'm a friend of Dave's.
Dave's new best friend, actually.
You handsome devil.
This is a love that never ends.