Soul Mates (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

Self Destruction

1 I haven't had loads of sexy encounters with foreign, exotic men? Like my dad? Watch your mouth, boy.
The Australians are attempting to steal our technologies and ideas from us.
There you are, Blade.
I've already told you - that's God.
Rocky, your god is delicious.
God has been reborn! I love you, God.
You're getting married? Who's your best man? Gulliver.
Yeah, and? I'm going to need you to stay back and clean up this whole Hitler mess.
I'm a friend of Dave's.
You handsome devil.
I think the universe wants me to touch some jam, like, as in, I'm going to finger her.
Phoenix is the face of Ksodomi, and we're going to make him our brand ambassador.
If he happens to be available at the time.
What are you passionate about? Vacuum cleaners.
Oi, Sticksy, want to play a game? What kind of game? It's called The Staring Game.
How do you play this game? Pretty simple.
You've just got to hold your stare and not look away no matter what.
And whoever looks away first loses.
That sounds pretty boring.
Nah, it's really intense.
It doesn't sound intense.
Trust me, it is.
I'm out, I'm out! Go on, quit, you quitter guy.
I'm going for the record.
Rocky, what's wrong with your face? Nothing.
What's wrong with your face? # We've lived a thousand lives together # And we'll be best friends forever # In a mostly platonic sense # This is a love that never ends # Never ends, never ends This is a love that never ends.
What a scorcher.
Yeah, man.
This beach is packed, eh? G'day.
See that guy all up in our personal space? Probably a homosexual.
This country's rife with them, Rog - homosexuals and stingers.
Well, hello, Mum.
Stop calling her 'Mum'.
I'm calling her by her Maori name.
It's not pronounced 'Mum'.
It's pronounced 'Mum', you egg.
Kia ora, boys.
Jesus Christ, put some flippin' clothes on, Mum.
You look like you could do with a cold drink, Thinge.
Combine the two .
and it's Curdle Town.
But what if you could carbonate milk itself? Healthy alternative to a fizzy drink - anabolic and nutritious, the dairy industry's dream of dreams.
Sounds like playing God, if you ask me.
Our scientists nearly pulled it off in 1970, until they all turned up missing.
And now this.
If Australians roll out fizzy milk before we can, New Zealand will no longer be seen at the forefront of dairy-product innovation and dairy-development technology.
The Australians will be dancing in the streets.
Not on my watch.
Your mission is to infiltrate Des Hodgkins' dairy farm and gain usable intelligence.
Did someone say, 'intelligence'? Say 'cheese', Mr Thinge.
(Shutter snaps) A surveillance chilly bin.
Over here, they call it an 'esky'.
If you boys want to pass as Australians on Friday night, then I suggest you do the same.
Friday night? But the Bledisloe Cup match is on.
New Zealand needs us, Blade.
Yeah, to get pissed and watch the game.
Oh, hey, Kelly.
How are you? Yeah, good.
Just, um What are you making? Uh breakfast.
I'm just going to go get dressed.
Go for it.
(Mobile rings) Supsies, brah? Where are you, man? Ah, just fuckin' having a crazy bender.
So what's the deal with this Kelly chick? Do I need to get her a bus ticket and a bottle of Gatorade, or Not this time, man.
Kelly's different.
I think she might be the one.
Ah OK.
Do you mind making yourself scarce for a couple of hours tonight? It would be nice to have the kitchen bench to myself.
No worries.
To fuck Kelly on.
I gathered that.
Yeah, OK.
I'll duck out for an hour or two.
Oh, fuck! We've got that yoga thing, right? Yeah, but I mean, if you're busy with your salty snack, I mean, I can handle it, you know.
No, no, man.
Fuck, it's all good.
Fashion before smashin'.
I'll catch you later.
Yeah, sorry, man.
That was my grandma.
She tried to make a ham sandwich and stuck a fork in the toaster.
Got all fucked up.
Can I get an early mark? Hey, guys, have you ever tried cock? Try cock today.
NARRATOR: Spoken by Anita Zu for the Feminazi Department of Population Control.
Congratulations, team, on nailing this month's targets.
And an extra-special pat on the back to Dave and Dave From The Immediate Future, our Employees of the Week.
Well done.
Yeah, thanks.
Means a lot.
What can I say? I should probably thank my best friend, Dave.
The thing about Dave here is that, being from the immediate future I'm always one step ahead.
(Giggles) You stole my punchline, man.
Who cares? We're the same person.
No-one knows who said what.
I know, OK? Yo, Davemeisters! Yo, R to the D2.
Snap! Why not hang out with Gulliver and his wife, the herb garden? Her name's Siena, and she's lovely.
You know what else is lovely? Not being an inanimate object.
(Both beatbox) Woo-woo! See ya, Robnog.
Burn! You know what we should do? Steal Rob's time key and hit up a pirate hooker bar.
I wonder how many doubloons it would cost for DP? Yuck! What if our balls touch? So what? They're your balls, right? Get out of it.
Just saying.
Remember that time you woke up, your arm was numb and you had a cheeky bat, and it felt cool because it felt like it was someone else doing it? All I'm saying is, how would this be any different to that? S'up! What's going on, Daves? Hi, man.
Good night last night? Have a few little cold ones? Yeah, it was a pretty good night.
Wasn't good, wasn't bad.
Was just Whatever.
Just, yeah.
It was a night.
Should probably best get back to it, then.
Keep up the good work, I guess.
He knows, man.
No, he doesn't.
He does.
Everyone does.
They're fully talking about it right now.
No, man, just on about some work shit.
I would say that there'd be a 83.
755% chance that Dave jerked himself off, himself.
I reckon you should let this one go, Roboss.
Dave's not a happy guy, OK? All he's got is this retro-hetero identity that he really clings to.
We should be careful not to undermine it.
I'd hate to see Dave lose Dave as a friend over something as trivial as a wristy, wouldn't you? Fully, fully.
So we're going to open our class today with a series of strong oms.
Breathe in.
Hey, Dom? Check out Phoenix.
He hasn't even taken a breath yet.
Sorry, man.
I didn't realise it was a fucking competition.
No, no, it's not.
It's just breathtaking.
Are you saying 'Dom'? No.
Dom, just be cool, OK? Yoga is all about casting aside the ego.
I'm devoid of ego, brah.
I'm the most egoless person in this room.
If there's a competition to see who had the least ego, I'd win, hands-down, 'cause I wouldn't have entered it, which is why I would have won it, 'cause I'm a fucking boss.
The trick with pretending to be Australian, Roger, is to be casually racist and sexist.
Do you think Mum will remember to tape the rugby? Keep your mind on the mission, Blade.
We need to obtain a sample of the fizzy milk and get surveillance of the barn.
Do you copy? Yeah.
Not anymore, you're not, mate.
Why do you laugh like that? Open your mouth, you fucking weirdo.
I'm Shane and this is Warwick, and we're from Dairy and Driving Monthly.
Ah, OK.
Looks like you brought a whole eskyful, did you? Yeah.
We're functioning alcoholics.
(Chuckles) Aren't we all! (Laughs) (Shutter snaps) Oh, let me take that off your hands.
Nah, it's alright, mate.
No, no, Honestly.
Ah, nah No, I insist.
Bina! Bina! You want to find some place for this, please? Thank you.
What a gorgeous, exotic flower your wife uz is.
Ah, yeah.
Don't I know it? Thank you, gentlemen.
Yeah, quite a banksia, your wife.
The lady who looked like a cat took the chilly bin.
How are you going? G'day.
Haven't seen you fellas around the traps before.
Ah, we've been busy playing cricket on the beach and cooking food outside.
And I went for a boogie board and I punched my wife.
You'll have to excuse my associate.
He's, uh, somewhat of a larrikin.
Aren't we all, mate? Aren't we all? Alright, you jokers, settle down.
I'd just like to say a few words.
Gentlemen of the press - and I use the term lightly (Guffaws) (Laughs) Yeah, yeah.
Thanks for coming.
Milk's had a pretty bad run lately, but fizzy milk will make milk fun again.
Yeah? Shane Gates, from Dairy and Driving Monthly.
Yeah, mate.
Are we going to be able to have a look inside the barn? Oh.
Well, actually, I'd prefer to stay in here.
OK, guys? Harry Constant, Daily Telegraph.
When do we get to try the fizzy milk in question, and what can mix it with - bourbon, southo? My late father used to say if you want to find out if somebody is truly worthy of your trust, sink piss with them and watch the footie.
(Laughter) And I'll tell you what - if the Aussies get up over these Kiwi mongrels, we'll break out the fizzy milk.
Wa-hey! Wa-a-ay! Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa! Rurgh! Go on, son! What are they doing, Thinge? Just go with it.
Wha-e-e-e! U-u-urgh! E-e-e-e! TV: A beautiful night here at the Sydney Football Stadium You're a bit dark, aren't ya? You one of them Aye-ties? Ah, Warwick here is a coon.
the Australian national anthem Oh, here we go.
Everyone, on your feet.
(Grunts) ALL: # Australians all, let us rejoice For we are young and free I just want to say thank you for agreeing to split your wage.
I think it's a really great thing to do for yourself.
No worries, man.
We're killing it on commission, so You're saying that a lot lately - 'we'.
'We this', 'we that'.
'We', 'we', 'we'.
Obviously, we like the same things.
We're the same person.
Which is why you work so well together - you can anticipate each other's every move, every need, every deep-seated desire.
You jerked yourself off, didn't you? (Scoffs) (Chuckles) Imagine that.
Yeah, fully.
Hey, yo! No.
But seriously though.
If we want to transcend that endless cycle of death and rebirth, we need to cast aside our baggage, let go of our ego.
We need to silence that chattering voice in our head that says 'You can't do it'.
ADRIAN: OK, Adrian, listen to Phoenix - stop thinking.
Why is it, the less I try and think about stuff, the more and more I hear myself and the louder I get? Oh, my God, I can hear everyone! I'm like that cripple with alopecia from The Axeman.
I think I'll put some honey in my smoothie today, because it's Saturday.
I can't wait for pilot season.
This year is going to be Stacey's year.
I've got to take Sammy to practice, and Jimmy needs some glue sticks Dom, Dom, D-Dom, Dom, Kelly Dom, Dom, D-Kelly How flexible do I have to be to bang one of these Bondi chicks? Just give us a start.
Gary fucking Calloway I guess the trick is to kill a random homeless person.
And fairies and angels and white lights Oh, yeah, it's really wedged in there.
Uh-oh, camel toe.
Man, Phoenix's parents hit the genetic jackpot - ding, ding, ding! It's not about genetics.
It's about moisturising.
Whoa! You can hear me.
'Course not.
This is all in your head.
Well, just 'cause it's in my head doesn't mean it isn't real.
That's what Dumbledore would say.
I bet that old tripper does heaps of yoga.
Dumbledore doesn't need yoga.
Gay guys have open hips by default, don't they, Adrian? I'm not gay, but I'd perform a skin-flute concerto if it meant I could get into full lotus.
Don't tell anyone.
Trust me, I won't.
I can't actually hear you.
But I can hear you, Phoenix.
No, you can't.
I don't even have an inner monologue.
All I have is this.
(Clear, ringing tone) Hey, kids, be sure to look eight ways before crossing the skyways - left, right, diagonally right, up, left, right, around and down.
Your rent hasn't come through yet, man.
Are you sure? Because I've Don't bullshit a bullshitter.
(Phone rings) Hello, Travel Time Time Travel.
This is Dave.
Ah, hey, Mum.
How are you going? Yeah, no.
No, I don't want to see Troy.
Because, I told you, I'm straight.
Yes, I'm sure.
Hey, can you chuck my other mum on? Nah, the an mum.
Hey, Mum, do you reckon I could borrow some carbon credit? What? You're wearing my shirt, cunt.
Dom, just do it flat.
Yeah, I know.
Don't touch me.
That's it.
(Farts) Oh.
Nice release, Dom.
Um, yeah, no, that wasn't a fart.
Oh, it's not a thing.
Dom, it's OK.
There's no judgement here.
This is Bondi.
Cool, yeah.
That's fine, it just wasn't a fart.
It was compressed air out of my shoulderblades.
Dom, farts are healthy, OK? They detoxify the body and release the deep gluteals.
Cool story, but I didn't fart.
Dom, why are you bringing judgements into your practice? I'm perfectly OK with farting.
I just didn't fart.
Prove it.
Go for it.
Just prove you're OK with farting.
But I don't need to fart.
Dom, it's OK.
I've got this.
Thanks, Adrian.
(Watery flub) (Laughs) What the fuck?! You weirdo! It sounded like his arsehole had a mouth! Yeah, OK.
I'm sorry about Dom.
He's a bit of a young soul, so And, what, you're an old soul 'cause you can om longer than I can? I'm just saying that farts are only funny in your first lifetime.
Sorry, man.
Get more lifetimes.
No judgement in Bondi.
Fucking try-hard dickhead.
(Toilet flushes) WOMAN'S VOICE: Thank you.
You have three flushes remaining.
What's up, Dave? What are you still doing here? Where else would I be? Back in your own time.
I changed the past, so I don't have a future to go back to.
Shouldn't you fade away or some shit? What's your problem? I came here to save your arse.
No, you came here to save your arse.
It's the same arse.
Whoa! Nice try, alright? But, see, the thing about you, Dave, is you're so predictable! Oh, yeah, am I? Predict this! TV COMMENTATOR: Just one defender to beat (Cheering) Try to Australia.
Scintillating stuff.
What a sensational try.
(Cows moo) Be out in a wee tick.
A wee tick?! Where are you from, mate? Roger, we have to pull the plug.
Yeah, but I killed a man.
We literally have seconds.
But look at the score.
Jesus Christ! There's just one kick in it.
Look, we only have 500 bones to offer you, but would you be the brand ambassador? Is that what you both want? 'Cause Dom's aura is a little bit, like No, Dom's fine.
He's my bestie, and he's actually a really, really creative guy.
He's as keen to have you involved as I am.
Come on, brah.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
I've got dinner with Kelly.
Oh, yeah, you and Kelly are, like, a thing? Yeah.
Sorry about it.
You win some, you lose some.
Oh, no, we weren't, like It was just an exchange of energy.
How do you like this exchange of energy? Should we See you next week.
Namaste, Phoenix.
Hey! What are you doing? I got you! What do you mean? I got you! Ah.
You got me.
Yeah! You did, too.
I'm going to get you back! No, don't! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Chuckles) Don't.
Don't! (Shrieks) (Weeps) Got you back.
Too far, Rocky.
You went too far.
Mate! What have you gone and done to yourself? I killed myself, Rob.
It's alright, mate.
Roboss is here.
(Whistles) Clear! Rob, I just want to say thanks like, for being there.
It's what friends are for, man.
Dave? You did wank yourself off though, right? That happened, yeah? You're crazy, man.
You've got to check your wiring.
You're all You're losing it.
That wasn't ideal, Dom.
Fuck Phoenix, man.
He's not right for our brand anyway.
He's right for every brand.
His fucking face is everywhere, man.
We need to go for someone with a different look, you know, someone with a bit more bodily hair, kind of - dry skin, tired eyes, with a concerned, crinkled forehead, the beard of a crusty seadog, who looks like they could have been strapped to the bow of a boat and driven around the high seas.
We need an established model with industry clout, as opposed to a guy that used to model pirate costumes on the side of fancy-dress packaging.
OK, we've got an underground label, so we need an underground face.
This is an underground face.
Yes, Dom, you have an underground face, but is it maybe a little too underground? Because there's Technodrome underground and then there's Crab People underground.
I'm not a crab.
I know you're not a crab, but you have to stop walking sideways, Dom - sideways around your problems.
Come on, man.
If I can't model for my own fashion label, who the fuck else is going to hire me? I'll do it for free.
Boom! Kelly.
Guess who's our motherfucking brand ambassador? You got Phoenix? Even better.
We got me, Kelly.
Let's get fucked up.
Um, do you want to call in a bag? Good, Kelly.
That's very good, Kelly.
I'll call the Jew Crew.
Dom, it's a Saturday.
You know the Jew Crew doesn't run on the Sabbath.
Well, can you call one of your ex-Cranbrook boy, Tom Waterhouse-lookalike motherfuckers and call in a bag? Yeah, I'll just give them a call.
I would if I had their numbers, Dom.
I've got some numbers I could call, but I don't want to get another bag on tick.
No, of course not, Kelly.
That's fine.
We'll get this one.
That's fine.
It's on us.
I've, uh Ades, do you think you could get this one? Oh, sorry.
Yeah, I'll get this.
Is that alright? Yeah, sure, it's on me.
Thanks, man.
Just a quick bag for me and Kelly.
Yeah, Kelly.
(Moans) Yeah, I'm a brand ambassador.
(Bedstead knocks) Yeah, Kelly, call me a brand ambassador.
What? Say it.
I'm a brand ambassador.
You're a brand ambassador.
Oh, yeah! I'm a fucking a brand ambassador.
Yeah, that's it! I'm the brand (Mutters and grunts) TV: Another pick and drive for New Zealand.
Hands in the ruck.
That is a penalty to New Zealand from right in front.
Dammit! Aw.
That's terrible.
He won't miss from here.
He's a precision kicker, that's for sure.
It's going to be all over for the Wallabies.
This should be the ball game.
Strikes it, and it's all over.
He's missed it! Oh, yes! Australia wins the Bledisloe.
Bubbles, yes! Fizzy milk all round! The Australians will be dancing in the streets tonight.
Not since the days of Roger Taumeupeu have we seen such a blown opportunity.
He buries his head in his hands.
Hand over the fizzy milk.
You guys are Kiwis? You'd better believe it, egg.
Shit! Oh, I'm hit.
Shit! Cover me, Rog! Get out of the way.
Noooooo! (Speaks indistinctly) Bottom slide! You Kiwi mongrels! Rog! Get the chilly bin.
You Kiwi bastards! Do a burnout! I hate your stinking country! Do a burnout! That's a sick one.
Take it a bit more easy.
That's it.
Security footage on.
Scroll back two days.
Ah, bathroom.
Oh, Dave! Oh, Dave, you're the man! Oh! Yeah.
Oh, Dave! Oh, Dave.
I fucking love you, man.
Oh, Dave, you're the man.
Oh! Captions by CSI Australia