Soul Mates (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

1 We need an established fashion model with industry clout.
If I can't model for my own fashion label, who the fuck else is gonna hire me? We're home.
Guess who's our motherfucking brand ambassador.
GIRL: Brand ambassador? Ah, yeah, brand ambassador.
We can't change human history.
You've been acting a bit weird lately.
I just need you on my team, man.
I'm gonna need you to stay back and clean up this whole Hitler mess.
Just wanna say thanks.
It's what friends are for, man.
If Australians roll out fizzy milk before we can, New Zealand will no longer be seen at the forefront of dairy product innovation and dairy development technology.
Fizzy milk will make milk fun again.
Hand over the fizzy milk.
You Kiwi bastard! (Gunshots) (Gasps) Man, how cute is it? What does it even do? Like, what are you good for? It can't do anything except be cute.
Cuteness is its only way of getting through life.
It has no other defence.
That's the worst defence ever.
How are you even alive? Totally.
The same cuteness that makes me wanna care for it also makes me wanna eat it.
I wanna eat you! Fully.
Oh, man, that was crazy good.
(Groans) I immediately regret eating that.
Are you serious? I could go another one.
# We've lived a thousand lives together # And we'll be best friends forever # In a mostly platonic sense # This is a love that never ends # Never ends, never ends This is a love that never ends.
I've completed the scientific analysis of the fizzy milk sample.
And? It's delicious.
God help us all.
Would you like a wee sip, Roger? Yeah.
Careful.
Maoris and curious new substances don't mix well.
That's racist.
No, it's not.
Yeah, it's racist against Maoris.
Steady on there, Roger.
If Thinge was racist against Maoris, he wouldn't be dating your mother.
Well, he's not, is he? Roger your mother and I are jousting.
(Sighs) That's enough.
Can we proceed with the task at hand? Roger, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take out Des Hodgkins and dis I don't accept it.
You have to accept it.
To be fair, Mum, you did ask whether or not Shut up, Thinge, you're supposed to be my best friend, not my dad! Get it together, Roger! Jesus Christ! I quit! I quit the Kiwi Assassins! (Door slams shut) LEE LIN CHIN: This news break is brought to you by Pokey Dog.
Pokey Dog, your dog in a bowl.
Let it out or not at all.
Pokey Dog.
Pokey Dog fighting is strictly forbidden.
Welcome to Travel Time Time travel.
How can I help you? We thought we'd take a hiking trip to the Garden of Eden.
You guys are creationists? Mm-hmm.
Um, just that you've come into a time-travel agency and we've got time machines.
Uh, I mean, we've got, um, dinosaur safaris and, um, we can introduce you to the missing link.
Every New Years we send a bunch of people back to the Big Bang.
It's like a party thing.
What Dave's saying is that Eden is symbolic and representative of the Eden in our hearts.
No, it's an actual place.
(Scoffs) Um, look if you guys wanna take a trip to another reality, there's a Happy High Heroin two doors down and they've got some pretty good shit.
Dave quick word.
Mm-hmm.
Back in a sec.
Listen, Dave, you can't go imposing your beliefs on other people.
Yeah, but it's not a belief - it's a reality.
No, it's the belief that reality is all there is.
Something doesn't have to exist to be wonderful.
Like Rob's wife.
Heather? Yeah, the Heathernet.
You knew, right? I mean, he sleeps in his office.
Heather's a fucking program? Time violation.
Engage crisis-management protocol.
Um, Dave Help, mate.
Oh.
What a day.
Geez, everything just smells better when you're a brand ambassador.
Have you thought about getting charities involved in the fashion launch? Agh, you're so 22.
Um, it's not a I dunno, I just thought it might be good to help to raise awareness for depression or something.
Kelly, there's nothing that we or anyone else can do for people with depression.
Life is depressing.
Isn't that, like, the whole point of organisations like Kelly OK, we are all just amoebas floating in an infinite universe and nothing really means anything.
Depression is just self-centred people waking up to the fact that their lives don't actually matter.
I'm sorry.
Um Kelly That's heavy, man.
What's Kelly's problem? Kelly's got depression.
Yeah, well, I'd be depressed too if I were Kelly.
Can you just take it a little easy on Kelly? I actually really have some feelings for her.
I don't know if I told you this, but I deactivated my Tinder account for her.
I didn't realise it was so serious between you two.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Dom.
I'm just having, like, 15 coffees a day and it feels like you're out all the time and I'm doing all the work.
Well not all the work.
The Dominator's got a little something cooking in the kitchen.
I give you the Vacpack.
It's a vacuum-style backpack with a hard plastic shell.
You don't even need to bend down to pick up shit 'cause you can suck it up with this bit here.
(Vacuum cleaner hisses) So it's just a vacuum? Exactly, man.
It's next-level normcore.
Fashionable whitegoods.
I don't get it.
Like, I know how a vacuum cleaner works, but that's not fashion and it's not on brand.
Yeah, thanks, real constructive feedback, you fucking jerk.
I'm sorry, Dom, what was I supposed to say? I dunno, how about, 'Well done, Dom, that was fucking awesome.
' Do you have any idea how much work I put into my concepts? Because you've shown me a vacuum, you call it fashion, and you expect me to give you an accolade.
Fucking whatever.
Sorry, Dom, but I can't see how you can be mad.
I can see that no work went into this.
This is bullshit - you just like your own ideas.
No, no, Dom, I don't.
But I don't like not-ideas.
How's that not an idea? I've got a whole range.
I've got the dust-buster bumbag, the inner-lining beanie, the pipe belt.
OK.
Do you have any ideas that aren't vacuum-related? Fuck this, man.
I don't have to explain my creativity to anyone.
Dom, where are you going? You're not my fucking Dom, where are you going? Forget it.
I'm not coming back.
What else you gonna do, Blade? Learn to type? I dunno, might try scaffolding or removals or some shit.
Hey, bro, you guys looking for a bouncer? Nuh.
But I can take your resume and shove it up your arse.
Here's my resume.
Hey, hey, hey! Easy there.
He's alright.
That's your second strike, OK, Roger? Give you a second strike.
You're a real loose cannon, you know that, Roger? Ding, ding, ding.
We have a winner.
(Cows mooing) Don't worry about a thing, Des.
I'm not going anywhere.
Try and get some shut-eye, mate.
Thanks, Harvey.
Thanks for everything.
No worries.
Target acquired.
(Motor whirrs) Spotlight.
(Gasps) (Yawns) 'Morning.
'Morning, mate.
(Yawns) Might go rustle up a couple of cheeky babies.
But we had babies for lunch and dinner yesterday.
Well, yeah, 'course we did.
Maybe I can make us a salad.
Nah, I've already thought of baby - I can't not have baby.
Babies aren't really a breakfast food though, are they? Well, nothing's a breakfast food till you have it for breakfast.
You want one or not? Nah, nah.
Oh, I'll have some of yours.
I'll get you one.
I'll get you one.
OK.
I'm sorry, there's just nothing I can do.
We're gonna have to relocate you back to your own time.
She can't go back.
Dave, if her parents find out, they'll kill her.
Find out what? She's pregnant.
I messed up.
Tyrian, you haven't been taking birth-control pills? I missed a few days.
You know me, that shit makes me bloated.
Fuck.
Can she claim time asylum? Technically, yes, but you'd have to be relocated to the post-apocalyptic future where you'd have to go on a waiting list to be processed into a protein shake.
Oh, OK, so that's not an option.
Technically it is an option.
No, that's not an option.
Dave, I'm trying to ideate here, and you're blocking me.
You know who'll knock this out of the park? If you can't help us, we'll take our business elsewhere.
Oh, no, Eden's real - it's just so amazing that it's important that we conserve it by not going there, so that future generations can have the opportunity to not go there as well.
Trix to Roboss's.
I repeat, Trix to Roboss's office.
Uh, Gulliver, cover me.
How can I help you? Fucking Eastgardens? # ELECTRONIC MUSIC # MOURNFUL STRINGS What's your problem? We eat goats.
Goats are way smarter than babies.
Babies are people, though.
They're not people.
People have knuckles.
But babies grow up to become people.
Not the ones we eat.
(Sighs) Rocky, I just I don't think we should be eating babies, man.
Then why would they be soft and eating-sized? I don't know.
OK, so we shouldn't eat babies because babies make us laugh.
So that's a con for eating babies.
Hmm.
Yeah, but they cry all the time.
Fair enough.
And babies are lazy.
Babies literally do nothing.
But I can't sleep anymore.
Mm-hmm.
Um, a snake told me I'm immortal.
I'm dead on the inside.
Is that a con or? I can move things with my mind.
That's a that's a pro.
Yep.
Are we gonna have a break for dinner or? Rocky, it's obviously that we're both feeling bad about eating babies.
I mean, you think you can speak to snakes.
You think you can move things with your mind.
Do you know what that's called? That's guilt, Rocky.
Guilt.
And you are guilty.
Or maybe it's just that some things that are bad for you are good for me.
You're bad for me.
(Sighs) (Sighs) It's called guilt.
(Ghostly whispering) I love guilt.
Having second thoughts about that abortion? Science says that rearing children is the hardest and most ecological burdensome misadventure you can embark on.
Draconian laws of the past restricted abortion to the first and second trimester.
But the modern woman can enjoy the freedom to abort her child her child right up until her or his 13th birthday.
(Sniffs and exhales) Fit your child with an abortion collar today.
Remotely controlled, it's a great tool for discipline and a proven motivator for study and sports.
With so many options available today, abortion has never been such an easy way out.
(Plays bum note, electronic bleeping) (Explosion) This is a maternity leave prevention kit.
And these pills will unburden your womb.
Is bad.
No, times have changed, Mary.
Every woman has the right to choose the right choice.
Choose the right choice, Mary.
Be alright.
Trix knows what she's doing.
So, how are things otherwise, Tyrian? Did you have a good time in Syria? No, it was pretty boring.
Decided to go trekking over Judea.
Fair.
Where did you meet Mary? I met Mary at a bush doof in Nazareth.
In zero BC? Yeah.
Shit! Mary, Mary, don't take the pills! ROBOSS: Dave, what are you doing? Mary from Nazareth.
And? Jesus was black.
Holy Mary.
Mother of God.
I swear literally every chick in Australia's a ten out of ten.
The thing about Australian girls, Rodge, at first they won't give you so much as a look, but if you buy them four drinks, they'll have sex with you immediately.
Four Southern and cokes thanks, bro.
No worries, mate.
That'll be eight bucks.
You son of a bitch! Whoa.
Hey! That's strike three.
Well, well, well.
Looks like it's my birthday.
(Knuckles crack) Listen, mate, if I had a penny for every time you wear those stupid pants, and then he shouted 'Four!' (All laugh) WOMAN: I don't get it.
Hey, look, why don't you girls go find a spot, I'll be over in a minute, eh? Thanks for having my back in there.
Sure.
I could've used my kung-fu in there, make no mistake about that.
But sometimes you gotta let a man make his own mistakes.
Stop saying 'mistake'.
I'm not a mistake.
Your mum can be pretty tough on you, eh, Roger? She forgets.
Chooses to forget.
It was 1959.
I was a gung-ho young scientist at the New Zealand Ministry of Defence.
It was an idea I had to genetically engineer the perfect soldier.
Refine the smartest genes the agency had to offer - mine, obviously.
And the toughest.
Your mum's.
So that's what we did.
Sexually.
They called it Operation Loose Cannon.
So you see, Roger, you're not a mistake.
Even your mistakes are not mistakes.
Your unpredictability is the one thing we can always count on.
So you mean, you're my dad? Let's go meet these girls, eh? That'd be nice.
I'd like that Dad.
(Shivers) It's chilly out there, man.
Hm.
Where have you been? (Sighs) Just been out drinking.
'Out drinking'.
Where were you out drinking, Dom? Um, just tried out this new joint.
It's called The Dusty Beaver.
Are you sure it wasn't called The Vacuum Guys? (Thunderclap) What's The Vacuum Guys? 'What's The Vacuum Guys?' Well, put it this way, Dom I would rather be playing Uno with Kyle and Jackie O, watching MasterChef in Starbucks, than even set foot inside The Vacuum Guys.
OK.
It's the kind of place that if, for example, a brand ambassador happened to be working there and if anyone from the industry were to find out, not only would they be ruined, but any person and/or brand that they were affiliated with.
That is The Vacuum Guys.
(Thunderclap) OK.
Who the fuck would wanna drink there? See .
.
I would understand JB Hi-Fi, I would understand Harvey Norman, but The Vacuum Guys? I don't need this shit, OK? 'Cause I've got Kelly.
And Kelly loves me.
Kelly believes in me.
Oh, she believes in you, does she? She does actually, yeah.
Kelly believes in me enough that she was kind enough to enter me in Cleo Bachelor of the Year.
Unlike my best friend.
Kelly gave Sonny Bill Minichiello a handjob in the bathrooms at Icebergs.
I don't give a shit what Kelly did with what fashion designer.
You know why? 'Cause Kelly's a free spirit.
That's what I like about her.
He's a rugby league player.
A rugby league player! Get the fuck out of my house! Yeah, you know what? I will.
Good.
Fine.
Go.
I'm going.
Good.
I've gone.
Fuck off! I don't care, I'm taking my designs.
Take 'em.
You know why? They're shit.
That's actually a high compliment coming from a skinny, skinny-legged vacuum cleaner salesman! At least I can get into skinny-legged jeans, you fat-arsed ex-Cranbrook boy.
At least my uncle didn't touch me on the ding-a-ling when I was a kid.
Oh, yeah? At least I don't have a ranga beard.
Dom So mean.
Wait, man.
Wait.
(Pouring rain outside) Uh .
.
we got rent due tomorrow.
That's that's the thing.
I hate you more than my dad.
Rent's a thing, it's not just gonna go away.
It's not like it's gonna vanish into thin air.
I still gotta pay money and go to fucking LJ Hooker, and those cunts are gonna fucking put another letter under my door if I don't.
So what if Kelly loves me? I love Kelly too.
(Mutter indistinctly) (Mumbles in sleep) (Whimpers) (Screams) (Gasps) Any last words before I put you out to pasture? (Thunderclap) Whatever Riesling's paying you, I'll double it.
Who's Riesling? Are you gonna talk? (Thunderclap) Or am I gonna have to milk you for information? He had all the equations worked out.
But Quade Riesling didn't know a Guernsey from a Holstein-Fresian.
And that's where you came in? Yeah, but still (Cow moos) .
.
we couldn't get the taste right, so Riesling pulled out and cut funds.
Just when I finally nailed the mix.
But Riesling wanted a cut, I presume? And more than his fair share.
And when I said 'no', he tried to steal it back.
I've never trusted a Kiwi since.
Quade Riesling is a Kiwi? Come on, Roger, water's beautiful this time of year.
Hell, beautiful all year.
(Women squeal) What about the sharks, Dad? You know what the world's most dangerous creature is, son? It's you.
It's man.
Come on, mate, I'll race ya.
Wait for me, Dad.
(Squealing) Whoo! VOICE-OVER: Breast milk.
Because milking cows is fucked.
Dave, you need to fix this.
You need to stop talking to me like that, 'cause I sent him to Syria, I can't tell him where to point his noodle.
Resolve! I'm trying.
OK? That's not helping.
Resolve! System overload.
Alright, we need to tell Mary the baby's from God.
I don't wanna be God.
Look, Mary's from zero BC - she'll believe anything.
Check this.
Are you an angel? Yes.
(Chuckles) Mary, I'm an angel.
And I need you to do everything I say.
(Short circuiting) What's wrong with that angel? 1-4-7-5.
OK, we've got a defibrillator for a guy named Lazarus, ordered a wine-converter for the wedding at Canaan.
Mushrooms, acid, ayahuasca - that'll keep them entertained.
Good.
Um, and we just need Tyrian's shoes.
Are you serious? Yep.
These are my Nike Air Water Walkies.
One! (Shrieks) So, remember, when your son's old enough, we need you to tell him that, around his 30s, one of his best friends, Judas, will betray him, another friend, Peter, is gonna dog him, a rooster will crow three times and he'll be crucified.
It's all in here, Mary, OK? ROBOSS: Resolve! They'll put his body inside a tomb and we need you to steal the body.
Um, just wanna confirm before we send you on your way that you're perfectly OK with stealing your dead son's body? Resolve situation.
Resolve.
Um ROBOSS: Dave! Do you reckon we could have a little word in the office please, mate? Yep.
Like, what's the point of even going to Kaja just to hang out with other Australians the whole time? Fully.
So I wandered off and ended meeting with these two crazy Latino dudes, and we spent the rest of the weekend just doing lines with Kendrick Lamar.
That's crazy.
Crazy.
I can't wait to go to Burning Man next year.
Yeah.
That's that's crazy.
You should move in.
What? I don't know, might be nice to take on a shared rental commitment or something.
You're joking, right? (Both chuckle) That's The Dominator.
(Chuckles) Fuck, that'd be so weird if you asked me to move in already.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
It's just a joke.
So stoned.
(Giggles) Are you gonna stay over tonight? Uh, yeah, probably.
Cool.
Um, do you think you could pay one night's rent? Just hit that shit.
Thanks.
Oh, Kelly.
Did you have another fight with Dominic? No.
Really? There's some breakfast on the table.
OK.
You know, take a shower and clean yourself up.
(Shivers) Good to see you.
(Sighs) Thanks, Dad.
You're a spring chicken here.
(Cow moos) Time just goes so fast, doesn't it? I like you, Des.
Do you know that? But you've committed some unforgivable sins against dairy.
Whether or not it was your intention, you have put into jeopardy that which I hold most dear.
New Zealand.
Say those words with me.
Those two words.
BOTH: New Zealand.
Yeah.
You Australians have no discernible culture.
But us Kiwis have a rich tradition in dairy.
One which you so callously disrespected the day you tried to put bubbles in milk.
Carbonating dairy.
It's psychotic.
Do you know why I'm here, Des? You're not gonna kill me, are you? No.
Not you.
Just all those you hold dear.
(Handgun cocks) (Cows mooing) (Gunshot, thud) (Whimpers) (Cow moos, gunshot, thud) (Gunshot, thud) (Whimpers) (Gunshot, thud) (Cow moos, gunshot, thud) (Sobs) (Gunshot, thud) (Weeps) No use crying over spilt milk.
(Rooster crows) (Rope creaks) What a night, eh? Yeah.
You know, I've got a few things on the go here, son.
Wouldn't mind having you involved in the family business.
What business is that? I call it dairy with a difference.
Go on, have a sip.
Flip! How good's that? (Chuckles) Not bad at all, eh, son? Not bad at all.
Captions by CSI Australia