Soul Mates (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

Episode 6

1 Get the fuck out of my house.
I'm taking all my designs with me! Take 'em.
You know why? They're shit.
Another fight with Dominic? No.
Do you think you could pay one night's rent? Let's pitch this Time Tiki Tours thing.
12 time zones, 12 hours, the sickest parties in history.
We can't change human history.
Mary! Mary! Don't take the pills.
Dave! Do you reckon we could have a word in the office, please, mate? Rocky, it's obvious we're both feeling bad about eating babies.
Or maybe it's just that some things that are bad for you are good for me.
You're bad for me.
You're my dad? Quaid Riesling is a Kiwi? I wouldn't mind having you in the family business.
What business is that? I call it dairy with a difference.
No use crying over spilt milk.
'Quincy Paste, aka Quaid Riesling, aka Quentin Brioche, is the last surviving member of the New Zealand RandD team behind fizzy milk.
' So carbonated dairy was his cash cow from the beginning? Bingo.
There's a special place in hell for defectors.
And Quincy Paste just made his reservation.
So what's all this about Operation Loose Cannon? Thinge, I'd do anything for my country.
You understand that, eh? Yeah, I'm sure you had the best intentions when you slept with that treasonous pig.
My question is .
.
how far has the apple fallen from the tree? He's with Roger.
Mum, wait! Hold on a wee tick, Mum! # We've lived a thousand lives together # And we'll be best friends forever # In a mostly platonic sense # This is a love that never ends # Never ends, never ends This is a love that never ends.
Rocky, I've just discovered the best thing ever.
Better than this? Way better than that.
This actually does something.
Trust me, Rocky, you've never experienced anything like this in your whole life.
What is it? It changes your whole perspective on shit.
Oh, my God, this is crazy! Keep it going, keep it going, keep it going! And stop now! Now try and walk, try and walk.
Oh, this is amazing! (Laughs) This is amaze Aaah! Whoo! That's the best thing ever.
You weren't lying.
(Retches) Let's agree to disagree.
It's a generational-gap thing.
Your generation thinks a strong economy is a happy population.
My generation thinks we're being mind-controlled by a reptilian dynasty.
Maybe you shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet.
I'll trust the internet over Rupert Murdoch's poison any day of the week, thanks, Pa.
Is that why you're prepping for an apocalypse? Dad, shit's going on in the universe and the world's a little bit fucked.
If you're so concerned about the state of the world, why not put yourself in a position to change it? That's what I'm trying to do, Dad.
By cutting nipple holes in T-shirts? It's not all about money.
What do you think money is, Adrian? What do you think it does? It's an abstract idea that doesn't exist.
No, it exists.
It affords me the opportunity to help people like you, so that you, in turn, may one day help others.
It's called legacy, Adrian.
It's how we can live forever.
Do you know everything at this table causes cancer? Every single thing.
Something's wrong with the universe.
Things have stopped happening.
Just call him, say sorry.
You don't have to mean it.
You don't get it, Kelly.
I get it.
But if you don't call him, there's not going to BE a fashion show.
Dom, I invited everyone - Justin Hemmes, Lara Bingle, the guy from Sneaky Sound System.
Don't make me look like a fucking idiot.
(Mobile rings) Hey, man.
It's Dom.
Hey, Dom.
So, Adrian told me you made yourself the brand ambassador.
Yeah.
About that, man, I You saw something you wanted and you went for it, OK? I respect that.
Since nobody really knows about the event and nobody's heard of me as a model, nobody's really bought any tickets to come along.
And what it all comes down to is that I think I'm just too underground, you know what I mean? I'm Crab People underground.
Dom, I'll let you in on a little secret, mate.
There's no such thing as too underground.
See, the only thing holding you back is your ego.
Yeah? You sound like you're hovering.
Why don't you come down to the studio and we'll talk about it, man to man? Give me 20.
I'll see you soon.
There's been a terrorist attack on a bakery in downtown Cronulla.
Militant members of the Church of CrossFit have claimed responsibility.
MAN: Death to all carbohydrates.
You are skating on thin ice, Dave.
Why am I the one copping all the shit when it was Trix's fault? He was your client, Dave, and now, because of you, Christianity never even existed.
If I hadn't sent him back there, it never would have existed.
Do you see what a mess you've made? I didn't see you coming up with any great ideas - 'Resolve! Resolve!' That's bad management that is.
Don't tell me how to do my job.
Why not? You tell me how to do mine.
It's my job to tell you how to do your job.
Maybe it shouldn't be.
Heather's right about you.
So jealous of my success.
She isn't even real, bro.
She doesn't need to be.
What Heather and I have is It's transcendent.
She's more than I thought I could ever dream of.
And what about our dream, hey? What about Time Tiki Tours? Things change.
Priorities change.
And Heather and I are expecting our second.
Your second what? I was just trying to help.
Well, just stop trying to help me, 'cause you suck at it.
(Ringing tone) (Sighs) Hodor.
What are you doing tonight? Hey, Sticksy, you want to go for a spin? Ah, nah.
I don't reckon I will.
Come on, let's get on a dizzy.
Nah.
I reckon it makes me feel a little bit sick.
Righto.
What are you doing? I'm going to go for a bit of a spin.
Ah.
You're doing it on your own now? One cheeky spin.
Dirty dog! Get in there, eh? Don't hurt yourself.
Nah, nah.
She'll be right.
So, Dad, I've been doing some digging around.
Turns out that Sanitarium is an Australia-owned company.
Should we cancel the deal? Ever heard of the ANZAC spirit, son? New Zealand and Australia set aside their differences and spilled blood together to defend our little corner of the world.
Now we fight amongst ourselves over what dessert comes from where.
Who's the real enemy, son? You think pavlova worries about where it's from? Probably not.
No.
All it worries about is being delicious.
(Phone rings) Fizzy Milk International.
Listen to me, Quincy, and listen good.
I have a very particular set of skills - skills that I have acquired over a long career of exterminating possums, not that I ever cared for that word, 'exterminate'.
It's too impersonal.
Truth is, I murdered them, each and every one of them.
And if I was willing to do that to a wee, furry creature that didn't know any better, can you even imagine what I'll be willing to do to you? You should know better than to fuck with my friend .
.
my woman and my country.
(Chitters like a possum) OK.
Thanks.
Bye.
Thinge wants to kill your old man.
I won't let him touch you.
The deal, Roger.
What if Thinge turns up? We'll have to make it in a secure location.
I'm proud of you, son.
Yeah.
I just I love you, Dad.
Good.
I really love you.
Good boy.
Do you want to say it, just once? Hm? Do you love me? Oh, yeah, definitely.
Definitely.
If Roger gets in my way, I'm sorry for what I have to do.
For Queen and country.
(Dial-up bleeps) (Old-style game version of theme tune) (Buzz, snapping cords) (Knock at door) Hodor! Come in.
Tyron, how are you, mate? Betelgeuse.
I don't want your help, Trix.
I'm not here to help.
I'm just along for the ride.
You'll get fired for this.
Dave, look, I took this job because I love time travel.
I thought, why wouldn't I love helping other people to time-travel? Then I realised it's because I love time travel, so let me time-travel.
Alright.
You're lucky we're short on chicks.
Alright, guys.
Tonight, we make history.
Tonight, you're all part of something very special.
This is something that has never been done in the past, the present or the future.
12 hours, 12 time zones, the sickest parties in all of human history.
This is the greatest pub crawl of all time.
This is Time Tiki Tours.
First stop is Pirate Whore Island.
Get your eye patches on, me mateys, 'cause we're in for a big one.
Alright, the Caribbean, 1760s.
And the time gate is active.
Alright, guys, don't spend all your doubloons in one hit.
It's going to be a real long night - about 2,000 years long.
Oh, fucking hurry up.
Hey, brah, do you have to leave the fucking meter running? Just relax, man.
Ugh! Is this guy actually serious right now? Jesus Christ! Don't be a dickhead, mate.
You can tell he has had a stroke.
Oh, fuck.
Sorry, man.
PHOENIX: Dom, there's no such thing as too underground.
See, the only thing holding you back is your ego ego ego Fuck, thank you, man.
Keep the change.
Thanks, man.
Enjoy the rest of your day, eh? Namaste.
Hey, Phoenix? Yeah? Yeah, suck my whole dick, you fucking try-hard.
What about advertising? Why would I want to study advertising at a place that can't even advertise their own adverting degree in a creative way? You like parties and events - what about PR? Yeah, but I'm not gay.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just not, like, a textbooks-and-lectures kind of brah.
University isn't about textbooks and lectures - it's about building community.
The best thing you can do at university is make friends - trusted friends that go on to become trusted colleagues.
I'll let you in on a secret.
I'm not particularly good at what I do, but I've surrounded myself with the right people.
If I have a gift for anything, it's an eye for potential, and you have potential, Adrian.
We just have to focus you and put you in the right direction.
What's that one about? Creative design.
Good choice.
(Mobile rings) Have access to great facilities, good people, a wide range of materials and, most importantly, options outside of fashion.
How's this for an option, Dad - why don't you go and eat a whole dick? I don't need you in my mind.
I don't need to be fixed, because I'm not broken.
I don't need your money, I don't need your political influence and I don't need a tertiary education, because, I don't know if you know this, but you can learn fucking anything on YouTube.
Anything.
(Speaks alien language) So what do you reckon, man? It's pretty out there.
It's daring, it's confronting.
It's taboo.
It's Grecian.
It'll piss a lot of people off.
That's what Ksodomi is all about.
And we're looking to expand.
Look, if you're in as brand ambassador, we're in for manufacture and distro.
I love it.
I'm in.
But I do have one condition.
This is all you, bro, OK? I don't want Dom anywhere near this.
This is all your stuff, right? Yeah, yeah.
This is all me.
Great.
So do we have a deal or what? Rocky, don't you think you're overdoing it a bit on the spinning thing, mate? Nah, nah.
I don't need it or anything.
I just like the feeling.
I just think there's something to be said about a bit of balance in your life, you know? What are you, my dad? Do I look like your dad? You watch it, man! You watch it.
Rocky relax! I'm just kidding! You relax, and chill out, man.
You're all wound up.
Just unwind.
Go and have a spin or something.
Just a real good spin.
Rocky, fuck! Rocky, mate.
Rocky, seriously, you're going to hurt yourself, mate.
Get away from me! Don't push me away, Rocky.
I'm trying to help you.
So stop this.
It's not OK.
It is not OK.
Not with me.
There's more to life than just chasing the dizzy, Rocky.
Look! Look where we are.
Look what you're doing to yourself.
Fine! Are we fucking fighting? Fuck the ninjas versus pirates.
See who's the champion of history.
Have you seen our holoscreen? (Vomits) Gulliver! Keep partying on, you sick cunt.
That's a good Gulliver.
(Electronic voice) Time violation.
All trespassers will be destroyed in 10-9-8-7-6-5 (Powers down) Employee No.
6522, you have violated Time-Space Protocol 21574.
What? The domesticated male, paralysed by the expectations of society, anaesthetised by his own ambition.
He struggles through life, half-asleep but half-awake, burdened by financial pressures, the nine-to-five his crippling disease.
But at the stroke of midnight, he will blow out.
At the stroke of midnight, he's a free man.
Are you prepared for the most underground brand ambassador ever .
.
ever ever? I present to you Harold McCumbersmith, stroke victim, aged 80-some shit.
He's wearing the backpack by Dom Nadar, ultimate normcore, fashionable white goods.
(Baby cries) Sorry about it about it about it.
The future of fashion is here.
So fucking underground.
Had a stroke stroke.
We aren't quite done yet.
No, Kelly! That's Sonny Bill Minichiello.
That's bad, Kelly.
That's very bad, Kelly.
This is very bad, Kelly.
Bad, Kelly.
That's very bad, Kelly.
Well, well, well.
Who's that? Is that you, Phoenix? What a disaster.
Wait, Sonny Bill Minichiello? What a shambles! What a fucking shemozzle.
Yeah, go on, man, soak it up.
Oh, no, I will soak it up, Dom.
I will soak it up like a bubbly bubble bath, 'cause that was the worst, most disorganised, saltiest piece-of-shit fashion show in the history of the universe.
And I fucking loved it! Oh! It was so good! Yeah? You nailed it, man.
Are you kidding me? Oh, my God! That show gave zero shits.
So you like my brand ambassador? Dom, he was amazing.
How underground was he? Oh, he was so underground.
He was Crab People underground.
Yeah.
Look, if you really want to work at vacuum guy's, I'm OK with that.
Nah.
I quit anyway.
I broke up with Kelly.
She's being a total cling-on.
OK.
She was a bad Kelly.
She was a real pain in the dick, brah.
She was a very bad Kelly.
(Sniffles) Why would you put me in this position? You put yourself in this position.
Can you stop pretending like you wouldn't have taken the promotion had you got the chance? No, I wouldn't have, 'cause our friendship meant something to me.
Then why couldn't you be happy for me? 'Cause you're the saddest thing I've ever seen.
That's .
.
a really mean thing to say.
Well, you've left me no choice.
Bullshit.
There's always a choice.
Yeah, you're right, and I'm making it.
You're fired, Dave.
Get out.
Dave! Want to fix this, Rob Dog? Cease and desist! Hey, Rob - it's Dave.
It's Dave, mate! I'm going to go back.
I'm going to make this better again.
Better what? I'm happy.
Can't you just let me be happy? I'm going to sort this out.
Don't do it, Dave.
You have ten seconds to comply.
Initiate.
Fire.
Dave.
These management retreats are fucked, man.
You go away, do all this corporate, team-building bullshit and come back a douchebag.
Ah, stop that! I'm going to go there, go through all the motions, dance the little dance and I'm gonna come back the best boss ever.
The best boss ever? If you take this promotion, Rob, this is what you become.
Ho! And this is what becomes of Dave.
(Gasps) Shit! (Gasps) Oh! Where the fuck is my body? Where is my body? Where's my body? (Vomits) Is this normal? I don't know.
I've never done business with Kiwis before.
Did you bring the money? Yeah.
Count it.
One.
Pleasure doing business with you, Mr Sanitarium.
The pleasure was all mine.
Shit! Give me the money! Shit! Take it.
Run, Dad! If you fuck with my dad, you fuck with me! Oh.
Thank God you're here.
It's Roger.
He's a double agent.
Wait! I'm unarmed.
Fair's fair.
Ha-ha! Your inventions always were shit, Quentin.
What about Operation Loose Cannon, huh? What about that invention? Let's do this.
Rocky! Enough.
This has got to stop.
Your addiction ends here.
I need this! We were happy! We were happier when you weren't spinning! Don't you see that?! This is what makes me happy.
You don't get it.
There's nothing else for me.
You're going to kill yourself, Rocky.
You're going to spin out.
If you don't like it, leave.
Get out of my way.
Go! Run away like everyone else.
I hate you.
I fucking hate you.
If you leave now, I won't be here when you come back, Rocky.
I can't.
I'm not coming back! (Shrieks) (Roars) Take me! Give it up, Roger! Think of your country.
Shut up! You're not my dad.
Quincy Paste is.
You loose cannon! Hey, Thinge! You'd better come back here.
(Thud) What are you laughing at? You're empty.
Well, go on, then - kill me, you killer.
Do what you do best.
Roger, listen Dad! I'm coming.
No, no! Mum, Dad! Mum, Dad, stop fighting! Oh, Roger! Give me the gun.
Give me the fucking gun, Roger.
Give me the gun, Roger.
Give me the fucking gun, Roger! No-o-o! No! Mu-u-um! Well, well, well.
Quincy Paste.
Go ahead, kill him.
I don't even care.
You know, things have been so much better since Roger decided to Split! God defend those who defend New Zealand.
I'm sorry we killed your dad, Roger.
But, to be honest, any number of living men could potentially be your dad.
That's OK, Mum.
I only need one dad.
I'm glad it's you, Thinge.
Elbows off the table, there, Rog.
Sorry, Dad.
That's OK.
Can I just have a chip? Come on, mate.
Your nuggets are coming there, Rog.
Are you sure you don't want to go back to your own time? Well, since you didn't take the promotion, it doesn't exist anymore.
I'd be going back to schoolies' week on the Gold Coast in 2012.
Yeah, but I'm not you, Dave.
I'm me.
And I want to go to a place that I've always felt was me, a place where you're not judged on how you look, where being an expression of your true self is valued more than anything else.
Dave to the Manager's office.
Dave to the Manager's office.
(Laughs) Dom! Check it out.
No way! 'Bondi hipsters fail hard.
' Who gives a shit about the social pages anyway? Bunch of ex-Home And Away stars standing around, holding cocktails at some brand-funded PR event organised by cokeheads.
(Mobile rings) Hold on two secs.
Hello? Hey! Hey, man, it's Dan.
Good news.
David Jones have just ordered 3,000 of your W-neck Ts.
They'll be in-store this summer.
You're on your way to becoming a very rich man.
OK.
Well done.
OK.
Bye.
Who was that? Oh, ah, no-one.
Just one of those anonymous, American-accented Filipinos, trying to sell me telco stuff - 'Hey, there, Adrian.
How are' Oh, my God! Look at that! Now that is cutting-edge.
That's what I was talking about.
That's fashionable white goods.
Oh! It makes sense now that I see it.
Yeah.
That's next-level normcore, brah.
Finally someone taking a risk in Australia.
This is a love that never ends.
Captions by CSI Australia