South Park s14e09 Episode Script

It's a Jersey Thing

Mom, Dad, what's muff cabbage? - Muff cabbage? - Where did you hear that? Muff cabbage.
The new neighbors next to Stan's house.
We saw the mom get a parking ticket, and she called the parking cop muff cabbage.
Muff cabbage.
A new family? Where are they from? They're from New Jersey.
A family from New Jersey moved in next to the Marshes? They're having them over for diner.
Oh, God! Sharon! - Doesn't she know? - Know what? Muff cabbage! Never invite a New Jersey housewife into your home.
And I met the school principal.
What's her name? Principal Victoria.
What a stupid bitch.
Excuse my language, but that bitch needs her fucking head examined.
My family moved from Jersey to South Park about a week ago.
So far, I can tell that everyone here really likes me.
I met that Stotch woman.
What's her name? Linda? Have you noticed how yellow that bitch's teeth are? You can tell she's cabbage.
She's cabbage.
I went to the mall and just about dropped dead.
The only panties you can buy make you look like a grandma.
Randy, what gyms are good here? Where do you work out? I don't really work out.
I've got fight something, my biceps are going flat.
Where can you get good clothes in this town? Nowhere.
That's why you're stuck wearing garbage like that.
The woman who works at the hair salon, Julia, have you seen how big that bitch's ears are? Julia is a friend of mine.
Ears out to here.
I tell her, "You got big ears, sweetie.
" I'm not trying to be mean.
It's a Jersey thing.
Why be offended.
You've got a big chin.
We've all got imperfections.
Right, like your eyes are kind of far apart.
That was totally uncalled for.
For what she did.
My eyes are too far apart? And like, who is she? Is she God? No.
You don't ever, ever, you rat dog, prostitution whore! You probably sell your muff for $6.
You fucking psycho bitch! You're nothing but cabbage.
That's what you are, you're cabbage.
You sick, old woman muff cabbage! Muff cabbage! Fuck this psycho bitch.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
She's a fucking pig.
She's fucking pissing me off.
- I love you.
- Take it easy.
I thought I was going to deck her.
I was really fine.
I wanted to get my point across to her, and that's how I am.
Like, I can be mad one minute, and then I'll be fine.
All better.
Just had to get that out.
It's a Jersey thing.
So, who wants dessert? Me! You do not understand.
Neighbors from Jersey are the worst.
They keep me awake all night.
They're either screaming at each other or making disgusting sex sounds.
All people from Jersey do is hump and punch each other.
You know what you do to make them move away? Every night, you take a crap on their doorstep.
Is that why there's crap on my doorstep every morning? Busted.
They talk way too loud, they flip out for no reason, and every time they act like selfish assholes, they go, "It's a Jersey thing.
" You're talking about Jersey? Me and my friends are from Jersey.
More of them? There are people from Jersey all over.
Who is from Jersey? I'm standing there, I'm like, "Who's from Jersey?" And people all like, "Yo, woohoo!" Next thing you know, Jersey party at Sizzler.
Let's get this party started.
Where the hell are they coming from? Danielle is being a stupid bitch.
Shut up, Teresa.
You're pathetic.
I'm pathetic? You're muff cabbage.
Hi, sweetie.
You got to meet our new neighbors.
- This is Jacqueline, she's from Jersey.
- And Sicilian.
That's Danielle, she's from Jersey.
And that's Caroline.
I'm having my face shaved.
It's a Jersey thing.
I'm sorry, I have other clients in ten minutes.
Can you sit down? When the salon girl told Teresa to sit down, I thought Teresa was going to bust a tit.
Don't fucking tell me what to do.
I'm a client here.
Teresa, calm down.
I don't have to take your shit.
I'm from Jersey.
Get her, Sharon! - What? - Sharon, stay out of it.
Be the bigger person, Sharon.
- You people are crazy.
- Who is crazy? Are you talking about my family? Is my family crazy? Don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch.
Let go of her, you piece of trash.
Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do? You trashy whores get out of here and leave her alone.
Psycho bitch! You're the psycho bitch! Psycho bitch! You want to see fucking crazy? You better step the fuck away, you wanna see fucking crazy.
You're cabbage.
People of South Park, we have all noticed a steep rise in everything Jersey lately.
As many of you already know, everything east of the Rockies is now part of New Jersey.
The Jersey Shore now includes Jacksonville, Miami, the gulf of Jersey Mexico and the Jersey islands.
Jesus, why are they doing this? More people from Jersey are showing up in our town.
If we don't do something, South Park is going to become West Jersey.
Well, that does it.
Let's go tell everyone from Jersey we don't want them here.
That won't work.
You can't tell people from Jersey you don't like them.
No matter how obnoxious they are, they will convince themselves that you all think they're cool.
How do you know that, Mrs.
Broflovski? That's when I knew I had to tell everyone the truth.
That originally, I'm from Jersey.
Born and raised.
I wasn't even called Sheila back then.
In New Jersey, I was known as S-Woww Tittybang.
I drank heavily and punched a lot of bitches in the face.
Living in South Park, I'm able to control my Jersey side which doesn't really come out unless I get around other people from Jersey.
I'm just hoping that people here don't judge me for it or somehow hold it against me.
Who are you talking to? You wouldn't understand.
It's a Jersey thing.
You ain't getting by that way.
Hey, dudes.
Look what the cat threw up in the litter box.
Come on, we don't want to be seen hanging around him.
- What are you talking about? - We heard the news.
- Your mom is from Jersey.
- So what? So what? That makes you from Jersey.
- No, it doesn't.
- He's from Jersey.
Get away from him.
I'm not from Jersey.
I was born here.
Don't try and deny it.
You're one of them, and by my accounts that's strike three.
What's strike three? You are a ginger, a Jew and from Jersey.
That's three strikes.
You're out.
Shut the fuck up.
- What? - Did you know she was from Jersey? - Why does it matter? - It just explains a lot.
My God! He's even starting to look like he's from Jersey.
- His skin is turning orange.
- No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
It's getting oranger.
Because his mom's a Jersey asshole doesn't mean he is.
You do what you want.
As for me, you're a heartless, backstabbing Jersey boy, and I shan't be playing basketball with the likes of you.
And I'm going to start crapping on your doorstep a lot more.
Couldn't be.
My God.
- You're in there? - Hold on.
- Not right now.
- Open the door.
Not now, please.
This instant.
One - Two - All right.
I guess we need to talk.
I know this has to be very upsetting for you.
What am I? When I got pregnant with you, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark.
We knew we had to get out.
Neither one of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved, as far away as we could.
But now, I realize you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus.
What are you saying? I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark.
Technically, you are from Jersey.
- I don't want to look like this.
- It isn't so bad.
A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice.
I can hide it.
Nobody ever has to know.
I can't ever let anybody know.
Live from St.
Louis, New Jersey, it's the Jersey News, with anchormen P-Train and Tan Jovi.
What's up, New Jersey.
It's the evening news.
Our top story tonight, many Jersey people are freaking pissed after a small town in Colorado got all agro on some decent Jersey folks.
For more on the story, we go to Chicago.
People here in Chicago, New Jersey, are riled up.
Apparently, a town called South Park, which is at the border of Denver, New Jersey, is discriminating against people from Jersey.
They won't sell houses to people from New Jersey, and they're making all the ones who moved in move out, and they're taking down all the Jersey owned shops.
These people got a beef with Jersey.
What's up with that? What's up with that? We are coming after you, South Park.
We fight discrimination.
It's a Jersey thing.
Governor, you have to send your troops to join us in this fight.
We're just a small town.
We can't stop New Jersey on our own.
We are very sorry, but California cannot afford helping you at this time.
Can't you see that if we fall, California is next? Because Utah is between Colorado and California.
Fine, but when Utah is taken over, then who is next? Nevada.
Really? OK, Mr.
I'm awesome at geography.
What are you doing? My dad said to distribute all these guns.
We're going to let him stand here? He could easily be a spy.
I told you, I'm not one of them.
I don't want to live in West Jersey any more than you.
- Overcompensating a little, aren't we? - That's enough.
You're tainted with the three Js, Jewish, Jersey and Jinger.
Admit it.
I'm not one of them.
Do you understand me? You better get that to your fat head.
I will never be one of them, and if you say it again, I'll smash your fucking teeth in.
Hurt my throat, because he push it right here, and the back of my head hit the tree, He was barking, and he scratched it.
Did you see the scratch? Emperor Akishino, we need Japan's help.
Fine, but you Japs will all be eating hoagies in a month.
Nobody is going to help us.
We're on our own.
We can't take on all of Jersey.
We have to find support.
There is no support.
Every ally America had is Wait a minute.
When the threat is great enough, you turn to your enemies for help.
What are you talking about? We could ask Al-Qaeda.
Ask Al-Qaeda for help? After what they did to us? Maybe it's time we put our differences aside.
What about the families of the victims of 9/11? Their feelings matter for another ten months, damn it.
We got a problem.
You got to get down to the bar.
There is trouble.
- People from Jersey? - I don't know what the hell I saw.
It tore a whole in my meat locker, smashed a cigarette machine in half.
Come out, now, make it easy on yourself.
It's one of them.
That thing's from Jersey too.
- What is it? - It's called a Snooki.
It's very famous.
That thing is famous? - Why? - I don't know.
What are we waiting for? Let's kill it.
Don't let it get away.
Where is it? Who is that? Get it off of me.
Shoot it.
So then he grabs my throat, and he slams my head into a tree, and then he screams, "I'll smash your teeth in.
" My head is gashed open.
Kyle did that? Gee whiz.
He's getting worse.
The Jersey in him is coming out.
I don't see any other choice.
We have lock him in the meat freezer at Sizzler.
What's up? It's kind of nice out tonight, huh? He has to be put away, and he has to be put away now.
- Are you being serious? - This is very serious.
But locking Kyle in a meat freezer, he could die.
If he does, too bad.
Did you see the scratch on my head? Did you smell raspberries? I smell raspberries.
We need to do this now.
At some point, he might start suspecting something.
Hello, Mr.
Bin Laden.
My name is Randy, and I'm a geologist in America.
I know that America isn't your favorite place in the world, but darn it, we need your help.
We are trying to stop our entire country from becoming New Jersey.
If we do not succeed, Jersey will spread to Japan, Russia, and eventually, to you.
You have seen countless horrors in your lifetime, Mr.
Bin Laden, and you have witnessed the very worst of mankind.
Now, I ask you to watch this.
Come on, hurry.
- What are we doing at Sizzler? - You won't believe it.
- It's a miracle.
- What kind of fucking miracle? Jesus answered our prayers.
It's so cool.
It's right there in the meat locker.
Kyle, go check it out.
- Why? - Go see why.
It's a Jesus miracle.
You want to lock me in there, because you think I'm one of them.
- You won't trap me.
- Trap you? It's actually Lights! It's a trap.
Get him to the meat locker.
What are you doing? Back away.
This is for the safety of all of us.
Sorry, but you can't be trusted.
Fine, Cartman, you really want me in there What is that behind you? Do we really have to resort to that? I'm serious.
What is that behind you? You ginger Jersey Jew.
Your tactics won't work on me.
Snooki want smush-smush.
What the fuck is that thing behind me? The Jersey people are advancing.
Where is Randy? He's still questioning that new prisoner.
All right, Mr.
Situation, we'll try this again.
Why are you doing this? But I told you.
It's just a Jersey thing.
What does that mean? You just don't understand.
It's a Jersey thing.
- Stop playing stupid.
- Maybe he really is stupid.
Nobody is this stupid.
What are you people planning? It's just a Jersey thing.
You've got to be from Jersey to get it.
Here they come.
Is it them? They're from Jersey.
Let's go.
Let's go creepin' in this town.
Don't you talk about my family.
This is where we make our stand.
South Park will never be West Jersey.
Fuck New Jersey! Keep shooting.
We're sick of you, Jersey.
Fuck off! - Get it off of me! - Snooki want smush-smush.
Got to find a way past it.
- What does it want? - Sounds like it wants smush-smush.
Snooki want smush-smush.
You guys, it's raping me! Jesus Christ! What do we do? Oh, God! Get out of here.
Why? Dude.
Get out of here, you piece of cabbage.
You want to smush, get creepin' somewhere else.
You're cabbage, you know that? You got cabbage in your muff.
You got cabbage in your fucking muff.
That's the last of it.
We're out of ammo.
Then we've got to start falling back to Utah.
What's the point? Can't you see it's over? Who is that? It's Al-Qaeda.
Give them hell, Al-Qaeda.
On a cold October night, a small town in Colorado stood up to New Jersey and finally said, "Go away.
" Our fortitude was the inspiration for others and now, New Jersey is slowly receding back to the desolate land from whence it came.
Our country is getting back to normal, and we owe it all to Osama Bin Laden.
You're back to normal.
The more distance between me and New Jersey, the better I feel.
But you still have it in you.
You saved my life.
Deep down inside, you're a monster, but you're my little monster.
I just have one question.
At Sizzler, when you were yelling muff cabbage, what's that? It's a Jersey thing.
On this day, let us all remember that no people on this Earth are really enemies, only folks with differences.
Tango's down.
We got him!
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