South Park s15e04 Episode Script


" And so then, and so then it turns out the Terminator secretly had a kid, ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him! No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator five, that really happened.
Skeletor's real? No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
Skeletor's a lady? God dammit! Who the fuck do they think they are? This is the last fucking straw! I am going to fucking kill everybody! Hey, Eric! I am so sick of this fucking schooooool! This stupid school and its stupid principal have gone too far this time! You get in trouble again, Cartman? No! I didn't do a damn thing.
Nothing! I told you this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys! Dude, we're just trying to eat.
Oh, you think I'm just over reacting again, huh.
No, not this time! The school has gone too far and it affects each and every one of you! You remember the school physical we all took last week? Yeah.
Well, the school put the sizes of all our penises up on a big chart in the school hallway! No, they didn't.
Yeah, they fucking did, Kyle! Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our wieners? Because they don't fucking care! I've told you this! They don't give a shit about the students and they live to make us miserable! That doesn't make any sense.
Go look for yourselves! There, you see? Can you fucking believe it? Is that really all our wiener sizes? Yeah, dude! Look at it! It says right there.
Eric Cartman 1.
2 inches.
Why would they tell everybody that? They wanna measure my wiener, fine, but don't put me on blast! Craig Tucker, 2.
4 inches.
Yeah, that's about right.
Butters Stotch, 2.
2 inches.
Is that good? How big do they say mine is? I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.
You're right, they really seem into it, mkay.
Wait, it says mine's only 2.
1 inches.
That doesn't seem right.
No shit, Sherlock! My dick isn't 1.
4 inches either.
It isn't.
This is another conspiracy by the school faculty! A conspiracy? They're trying to stir up some big thing again! Get all the girls all heated up and freaking out over with boy has the biggest shlong! This has to be dealt with! Well everyone's already seen it.
Nothing we can do about it now.
Oh, there's something we can do about it, all right.
If they're gonna put us on blast, they are at least getting the numbers right.
We are going to re-measure! All right.
Clyde Donovan, 2.
3 inches.
You see witnesses? That's.
2 inches more than what the school said.
All right.
Nice one, Clyde.
All right, next.
Whip it out, butters.
Ooh, it's a little chilly in here.
All right, butters, let's see what you got going on down there.
Hey, wait, the cold is makin' it shrink some.
Where you goin' little feller? Butters, I don't have time for this.
I can't wait if your wiener is pullin' a scared turtle.
Hang on, he's comin' back out.
There he is! Who's a little guy.
All right, butters.
Looks like we have 2 point -- wow -- 2.
4 inches.
Really nice, butters.
I'm hung like a horse! All right, that's everybody! Let's go post these numbers! What? Didn't you forget something? What, Kyle? You measured everyone's wiener except for yours.
I measured mine this morning.
See? It's right here at the top.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Your wiener is not thirteen inches long! You made everyone else get measured with witnesses.
You have to too.
Well, what are you guys gonna do, use a tape measure and measure my penis yourselves? Are you homos? You just did that to everybody in class! Okay, fine, whatever.
Go ahead! Yeah, that's good.
A little higher on Craig's side.
Actual boy's penis sizes? Gross! You see? My wiener isn't 1.
2 inches, it's 1.
4! What red? You all freakin' out because my wiener is smaller than the other guys? I don't care! Clearly I'm very happy with the size of my wiener, or else why would I have called for a new measurement and for this poster to be put up at all? Don't forget that this was all my idea! Eric Cartman to the principal's office.
Oh God dammit! Let me guess, I'm in trouble again! You're darn right, Eric.
For what? Why did you measure all the boy students' penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board? Why did you measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board? What? I don't care if Obama is president! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world lengths of their dicks! Wait.
Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals? You're damn right! I'll have you know that my penis is a respectable 1.
4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in the school, but it's point two inches bigger that you said! The numbers we put up were height differentials! What? We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year.
You grew 1.
2 inches.
Those weren't our dick sizes? Why would we publish the length of our students' private parts? I don't know, why would you? We didn't! Aw, crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's because of me? This is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about Eric.
You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen.
This time, you've done it to yourself! Oh God.
Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it.
Because you have an anger problem, Eric.
No, I don't! What we need to figure out here, is are we dealing with maybe a little bipolarism, some rage addiction.
It could be a lot of things.
My little sunshine has a temper sometimes, but he's not all bad.
Let's try a little experiment.
I want to see what kind of things trigger you, Eric, okay? How do you think you would react if I said some negative things about you? Honestly I wouldn't really care.
What if I were to tell you that I think you're fat? I think you're a fat little boy.
I think you're way too fat for your age.
Does that make you feel any anger? Huh, fatty? Jelly belly? You got jelly in your belly you little fat [Bleep.]
You get a little flash of anger when someone tells you you got tits like a forty year old woman, fat boy? You like that? Shitty titty jelly belly? Oh, yeah, he's a big boy! Get that fatty some mud flaps for his ass.
Big ol' jiggly fatty butt! Huh.
Well, I just don't see it, Ms.
Your son doesn't seem to be triggered by anger at all.
In fact, I'd say he's one of the more even tempered children I've ever seen.
Sorry, doctor.
Your wife's on the phone.
Says it's an emergency.
Excuse me.
Carol, what -- whoa, calm down, honey.
What do you mean? Web chat with what-- what fourteen year old girl? Carol, I would never! No, I don't have a criminal record! Who is Mitch Conner? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's no -- no, Carol put down the gun! Sweetie, put down the -- Carol? Carol? I'm not fat.
I'm big boned.
Thank you for coming parents, we've called you in because we have had a little 'incident' at the school.
The fourth grade boys measured their penises and posted results in the school hallway.
Oh dear.
Now, we realize this issue can have a troubling affect that can get blown out of proportion.
Did they measure from the base or from the balls? How does the school let things like this happen? Now, now, boys' fascination with their genitalia is a natural thing.
We simply need to find a way to help the students understand what they've done.
I'm a scientist.
I think it's best I handle this.
Hello, students, my name is doctor marsh, and I'm gonna talk to you a little bit about what happened at the school yesterday.
How do a man and woman make a baby? Anybody.
A man and a woman, what do they do to make a baby? How about the little girl in the brown coat.
Yeah, you.
They have sex.
Good! The man puts his penis, okay, into the woman's vagina.
Okay, now sometimes, a man can feel like how long his penis is is actually important.
But is it? When you boys measured your penis length the truth is it doesn't really matter.
What does matter is -- length times diameter plus weight over girth divided by angle of the tip squared.
Okay? When we are talking about penis size, we can't just use a tape measure.
We need a scale, and a protractor as well.
Let's look at it on the graph here.
Follow along with me on your study sheet, kids.
I want to congratulate all of you for making the effort to come to anger management class.
We didn't make any effort.
We didn't have a choice! Yeah, this is bullshit! Together, we are going to learn what makes us angry, okay, and how to better deal with it so we don't get our ourselves into trouble a anymore.
So lame.
Why doesn't everyone just die.
Look! If a somebody order the city beef, and a complain because they say they ordered the city s shrimp it's not a my fault he gets a city chicken poured all over his head! We have good reason to be angry! This country is going to shit! We have exactly twelve days before the oil is gone and our president is a socialist who wasn't even born in America! Right.
See, what we all need to do is channel our various reasons for anger and learn to control it.
Man, this shit is whack, mah.
I just seen all this shit front in, mah.
Don't understand what it's like my pops.
Ain't no mother good, mah, bitch be coming.
I be tappin that shit, mah.
Why am I here? Well, Eric, because I know you want to control your anger and become a better person.
You saying I got problems like these people? No! No, I'm not saying that at all.
Please, I'm just saying how amazing you are for wanting to lessen some of your more less awesome attributes.
Oh, that's cool.
And so, by dividing the weight and the girth of the penis by the angle or the -- what do we call it again? The yaw, the yaw of the shaft, what we finally get is the adjusted penis size or t.
Any questions so far? Yes, little girl over there.
What's a penis? Ah, good question.
Uh, the penis, is the thing we are talking about that boys' have that we're measuring.
Any other questions? Okay.
So then let's move on to the example on your study sheet.
How about you, could you read the first example for the class? Example one, young lady, please read the problem out loud.
Example one: 'Randy' has a penis that is 4.
4 inches in length.
Its angle is 32 degrees.
Its flaccid girth is 1 inch in diameter.
His balls are 7 centimeters from the base.
Seven centimeters.
Randy notes that the drift of his penis is 4 centimeters to penis right and its dead weight is.
5 kilograms.
And so, divide by the 17, carry the one and we can see that 'Randy's' adjusted penis size, or TMI, is 6.
3 inches.
Do we got that? Randy's length is 4.
4 inches, but his adjusted length is 6.
So how does our example person 'Randy' compare to others on the TMI scale? By referring again to the TMI chart, we see that a TMI of 6.
3 is.
What we're going to do now is get to the root of all your anger.
Daniel, could you stand up, please.
What makes you the angriest, Daniel? Stupid ass blind liberals! Okay, great.
Chase, could you stand up and pretend to be a stupid ass blind liberal.
And what makes you angriest, chase? Skrawny ass sissies! Okay, Daniel is a skrawny ass sissy.
He just cut in front of you in line at the bank.
Go! Hey! What, you think, I got a small dick? Huh? I don't have a small penis! My wife thinks my penis is perfectly fine! Okay.
Uh, why don't we do some role playing now with Wayne d who gets angriest at his mom.
Gretchen, could you play Wayne d's mom for us.
You bitch! You think you bad just cuz you a mom don't mean I won't put a cap in your ass, bitch, mah! I may be female on the outside but I still have a bigger penis than you! Don't say that! It isn't true! It isn't true! That's enough! I'm sick of everyone talking about a penis size! Yeah, it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter! Does everyone here have an issue with their penis size? No.
Not me.
Nah mah, my shit be packin', mah.
My penis is thirteen inches long! Kids, my name is Rebecca Turnoud and I'm an actual doctor of human sexuality and behavior.
Unfortunately, you have been taught some very wrong ideas in the past couple of days and I am here to set things straight.
Thank God.
I want you to try and forget these wild theories and understand that all that's important when it comes to a man and a woman making love is actually length times girth over angle of the shaft divided by mass over width.
Vous ĂȘtes un menteur! We all want to welcome our new member, Randy.
Say hi to everyone, Randy.
Oh suck it, all of you! Now, we've all been trying to channel our anger in more constructive ways, Randy.
Why don't you share what's bothering you.
You don't just go around changing math.
Who the hell is this chick surgeon general appointed by Obama? God damn right! Socialist fascists! Power to the people! Burn it down! Burn it down! Mr.
Marsh, this is what we are here to try and work on, okay.
No dude, we're burnin' this shit! If you take a minute to think about your anger -- yeah, dude! Mah, that shit be burnin n shit mah! Welcome to FedEx, how can I help you today? Yes, I've got some birthday presents I need shipped.
Alright, let's see what kind of -- burn it down! Burn it down, dude! Let's see how the American government likes it when we shut down their federal express! Tom, I'm standing outside the FedEx in Fairplay, Colorado where a radical political group has taken several people hostage.
They call themselves 'the pissed off and angry party' and they allowed me to speak with them moments ago.
This is a call to all angry people! We've had enough! We're gonna hit the government where it hurts! Right in the federal express! What exactly are you angry about? We're angry about this stupid liberal government and fascist lies, media control, and -- and Jews! Yeah, and Jews and all the stuff that the government's doing! You've got a lot of people scared.
What are your demands? Well, first of all, we want that surgeon general to step down! And we want -- and we wanna see Obama's real birth certificate! Yeah.
We wanna see Obama's real birth certificate! And, uhmm -- and my mom gotta stop trippin mah.
Bitch be trippin' all the time, mah! Yeah, we want our mom's to stop trippin, man, cuz them bitches be trippin all the time! And I think that -- is that it? No, and Kyle! Oh, yeah and Kyle! Surgeon general's resignation, Obama's real birth certificate, mom's to stop trippin and Kyle.
You got that? Or else we're gonna bring the federal express to a grinding halt! Does it bother you that the federal express is not affiliated at all with the federal government? No! No, that doesn't matter.
Really? Butters, what are you doing? Homework! I just don't get it! That is the fourth time I've calculated! And it's below average! I thought I was hung, but according to my TMI I have a micropenis! Your TMI? I don't understand it.
I'm startin' -- I'm startin to feel angry! Butters, put your clothes on! Oh, what's the point, mom? What's the point of life anyways? All you do is yell at me! And the government! It's lead by fascists! And everyone's a Justin Bieber wanna be! I wanna go and drive a hummer.
That's what I wanna do! I wanna drive a car that goes vram vram vram! Butters, what does driving a car have to do with your penis being small? Hey! Everyone who's pissed off and angry is rallying to take down America! Join the fight! We're gonna take down the federal expresses! The American apparels! And the American furniture warehouse! We are fed up and we've had enough! Surgeon general, twelve more FedExs have been taken over, the pissed off and angry party is gaining more support.
They've shut down American airlines and American apparels all over the country.
We have to ask you to step down.
Are you seriously saying we're going to give into their demands? They are all really angry.
We have to make them stop.
Is the team standing by to that little boy 'Kyle'? Team is standing by, sir.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Let me through! Who is this? Surgeon general, I believe I know why this is happening.
I have found a direct correlation between anger and TMI.
Anger equals length times width over mass squared minus angle of the shaft plus yaw.
Look, we all get angry, but when someone is consistently angry, or always finding new reasons to be angry it means they have a very, very, very, very small dick.
Your theory is fine, doctor, but it doesn't matter.
The TMI equation is true solid science, which cannot be changed.
There's nothing we can do about it.
Isn't there? Isn't there? We've waited long enough, Randy! Let's start killing these sons a bitches! No, please! Yeah, dude, they aren't gonna give us what we want.
Yo, let's cap these bitches, mah.
Let's cap 'em 'n leave 'em in the back a the buildin', mah.
Hey, come over here! Look! We interrupt this newscast for an important message from the surgeon general.
Fellow Americans, as you all know the TMI scale was implemented long ago to assure that each and every American could accurately measure their junk.
The established equation is 100 percent accurate.
However, due to recently collected data we are making one change.
The national average for penis length is now officially moved, from six inches to 1.
5 inches.
Anyone with a TMI of over 1.
5 inches is considered 'above average.
' The winds of change are blowin'.
There's excitement in the air.
Can you feel it? It's electric and magical the happy train's on track because America is back.
Come on! Wait, what? America is back! America is back! Wait, according to that scale, I still have a small wiener.
America is back! I'm still fucking angry! And we're back! Sync to Web Version: VeRdiKT
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