South Park s15e05 Episode Script

Crack Baby Athletic Association

"Crack Baby Athletic Association" That one was smelly! Take this dali Terrance! Dude, this is probably the best episode they've ever done! I know, this is awesome! Ugh, I'm so happy! Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these messages! So much suffering Oh no! It's that super sad Sarah McLaughlin commercial! Look away! What? Dude, this is the saddest commercial ever! Don't watch! These are images of babies born addicted to crack cocaine.
Their mothers have abandoned them.
They lie in the dark, crying, with nobody to hold them.
Oh dude, that's so sad! Why do they have to put this on tv? Their world is bleak, lonely and hopeless.
Hello, I'm Sarah McLachlan and I was famous for two months.
Each year, thousands of babies are born addicted to crack and lie in hospitals without a mother to hold them.
Won't you volunteer today? Look at these pictures.
They need you.
Oh, god.
Please, go to your local hospital now.
Here are some more pictures.
I can't take it anymore! I gotta go volunteer, dude.
It's a really great thing you're doing.
We have so many abandoned babies and not enough people like yourself who care.
What exactly can I do to help? Just hold them, talk to them, play with them.
You'll find they're so hungry for attention.
Here's our crack baby ward now.
I know it isn't much but, we don't have a lot of funding you see.
Oh, it's so sad.
Come, come right over here.
We have a decent room here where you can play with the babies and nurture them.
It's actually really great you're volunteering now because our other little boy volunteer is just finishing up! Oh, hey, Kyle.
What are you doing here? I'm volunteering.
What are you doing here? I'm volunteering my time, Kyle.
Young Eric has been here every day for the past two weeks bless his heart.
Why do you have a video camera? I'm volunteering, Kyle.
It just so happens Sarah McLachlan touched my heart is that so hard to believe? Goodbye Nurse Williams, see ya tomorrow.
Bye, Eric! I'm sorry, can I come back in just a little bit? Certainly.
We're here all the time unfortunately.
What's going on? Ahghghgghgh! Aw crap.
Okay, Kyle, you caught us.
I admit we aren't actually doing volunteer work at the hospital.
So what are you doing? What if I were to tell you there's a way to help those poor babies born addicted to crack and give them a future as well? All right, what is it? Crack baby basketball.
Whoa, whoa, Kyle, come on, don't tell on us! We could actually really use you! Why do you need me? Because we need a Jew to do the bookkeeping.
Kyle, wait! Kyle! Just hold on a second! I knew you were doing something terrible! What's terrible Kyle, we fill a little ball with crack, we let the crack babies fight over it, and put it up on the Internet! Who cares? Lots of people will when I tell them! We made a thousand dollars in eleven days! You what? Ask the guys.
There's six hospitals within a ten mile radius and all we do is pit the crack babies against each other with a little ball of crack.
A thousand dollars.
Dude, this thing is huge, and it doesn't hurt the crack babies at all.
We are swimming in cash.
Let me take you out to Denny's.
It's baconalia time.
After you.
There's a big wait to sit down.
Ah, mister Cartman! We have your table waiting, sir! Come on.
We started with two crack babies and a camera.
Butters did all the Internet stuff.
We've built up to a thousand hits a day.
Jesus Christ.
It's awesome.
It's the good life, Kyle.
We've come here every night for Denny's baconalia specials.
Every single night! Look at the menu.
Bacon inside pancakes, bacon meatloaf.
They even have a bacon sundae for desert.
We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport, Kyle.
We're getting Slash to start playing at halftime and EA Sports is offering us a hundred thousand for the video game rights.
I like that boom boom pow them chickens jackin' my style they try copy my swagger I'm on that next shit now.
We've got a constant flow of athletes that never dries up, Kyle.
And best of all, it's all charity, so it's tax free.
We'll put your office right here, Kyle.
All of South Park walking by, looking up at you.
And it actually helps the crack babies.
It's like volunteering, but we just make a little on the side.
Somebody's gotta eat all that bacon, Kyle.
Might as well be us.
Welcome to the firm.
Go long, Token! Go, go! Hey, Stan! Dude, I want you to have this.
It's the twenty bucks I owed you, plus thirty dollars interest.
Wow, really? I got a job, Stan.
I am making tons of money doing some really cool stuff.
Doing what? Crack baby basketball.
No, no, it's not like it sounds.
Here check it out! See look, we just video the babies fighting over a ball full of crack.
It's really getting popular.
I mean it, it's cool because like the commercial said the crack babies had nothing before.
It's, it's great because everyone wins, you know? You see that? Two million hits! Did you know they're putting bacon inside of pancakes at Denny's? Betsy macintosh? What do you want? We heard about you through the passages sobriety clinic.
They said you've skipped out on your rehab once again? Oh gawwwwd.
We need to speak with you, ma'am.
It's like these voices in my head won't be quiet until I use again! And so am I correct that you are eight and a half months pregnant and still addicted to cocaine? I don't want my baby to be born addicted to drugs but I can't stop! Well, ma'am, I have some very exciting news.
We would like your child to play for the crack baby athletic association! The what? We believe that St.
Mary's is the best hospital for your child.
And we are prepared to offer him a full ride.
Now, do you know yet if your child is male or female, or so deformed you'll never be able tell? They said it's a boy.
Just sign the paper and he'll be playing ball for St.
Mary's! How much will he make? Well, nothing.
Crack baby players can't make a salary, based on the rules.
So what? You would make money off of my child? That doesn't seem fair.
I don't make the rules, ma'am, I just think them up and write them down.
Now, if you would be willing to sign right here, we can get things rolling can't you change the rules? Ma'am, the crack baby athletic association is a storied franchise.
It was founded over 12 days ago with a firm ethical code that strictly states benefits to players is detrimentalized to their well being.
I cannot offer you or your child any cash.
I can, however, offer you a little bit of crack.
Butters? Dude, what actually makes total sense about it, if you look at it, is that the crack babies are finally getting some attention and the care that they need.
Wew, yeah, it's pretty cool, dude.
Because most of these babies would normally not even get out, you know, or be able to do anything.
Just because we are making money, doesn't mean that those babies aren't benefiting! It isn't exploiting them! They're finding a useful place in society! What's unethical about that.
You sound like Cartman.
Dude, the thing is, we're not the ones that made them crack babies.
That's their mom's God damn fault! Yeah, I'm sure that's what Cartman would say too.
I do not sound like Cartman, God dammit! Okay, so see ya.
It's the easiest thing in the world.
How could you guys have screwed this up! All I asked you to do was to get Slash to play at halftime for the match up between the crack babies at cedar sinai and du.
We're just having a hard time finding him.
Slash is not hard to find! He'll show up to play anywhere if you pay him! He played at my eighth birthday party for Christ's sake! Look, look he's playing at lakewood mall right now! You guys get down there aw crap! The president of EA Sports is calling! Just go! Go! Mister Peters, how are you? Yes, sir, we're very excited about our deal with you as well! Oh, we know the video game version of crack baby basketball will be a big hit too.
Hey, Kyle, have a seat.
I need to talk to you.
Peters, can I call you back.
Our company accountant needs me.
Yes, he is Jewish.
Okay, thanks, Mr.
Peters, bye.
How's it goin' man? In our deal with EA Sports we are giving them the right to use images of the crack babies and their names.
But we aren't paying the crack babies.
They can't make money, it's against the rules.
But this video game could make a million dollars.
We have to give the crack babies a piece of that.
Kyle, it says right there rule number three, crack baby players cannot receive compensation of any kind for their play.
But they're the ones risking injury.
What do you want me to do, Kyle? Find a step ladder of some kind and risk my safety to get up and there and change the rules? The government could come after us, Cartman.
We're a non-profit company, Kyle.
So then where did the eight hundred dollars we made from selling an Internet ad to payless shoe source go? To things we need to keep the office running, Kyle.
Here look! A hot tub? It's not just a hot tub.
Taste it.
Go ahead, taste it.
Gravy? Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy.
No way.
A hot tub full of KFC gravy, Kyle.
Did you ever think you would see that in your lifetime? Kyle, as owners of this company we owe it not only to ourselves, but to the crack babies, to be as stress free and clear headed as possible.
McDonalds French fries and KFC gravy.
The French call this 'poutine'.
No, but dude, we can't license our games to EA Sports and pay the crack babies nothing.
Slavery is illegal! It's not illegal, Kyle.
Tell you what,I'll do some undercover work and find out how the other companies get away with it.
What other companies? Dean howland, a representative from another prestigious institution is here to see you.
A what? Send him in.
Hallo sa! The name is Eric p.
I'm a well respected owner in the slave trade.
In the what? Mah peaches whata wonderful office you got yourself hee-ya.
Certainly got yourself a lucrative business, don't ya.
Well, let me get right down to it, then.
Like yourself, I am also in the slave trade.
But at the moment I find myself in a little quandary with legal issues.
Was wonderin' if you could share some secrets.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
You have some mighty strong lookin' workers heya, sa.
I'd be willin' to offer ya forty dollars for two a the white ones and fifty for the blacks.
Are you referring to our student athletes? Student ath-o-leets.
Ho, ho, that is brilliant sar! Now when we sell their likeness for video games, how do you get around paying your slave, student atholeets, then? Look, there are good reasons why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man! I ain't ahgewin! If they got paid then how'd we make all our money, right! We do not own slaves.
And we have no desire to own slaves! But of course you own slaves you have oh.
Right! Of course you don't have desire to own slaves, sar.
Neither do I.
And if there was any government agency listenin' in on this here conversation, they should know that we're not talking bout slave ownership at all.
All right.
So now do you get around not paying your slaves? Get out! This is a prestigious university and I am not saying one more word to you! You think you can do whatever you want because your corporation is a university? This country was founded on the ideals that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves while the rest of us wallow in poverty! Screw you, sir.
I'm goin' home.
Here's the thing: Whether or not I'm a part of it, crack baby basketball is popular.
Somebody's going to do it.
So the only way for me to try and help the situation is to be involved in it, so that I can steer things in a direction that's more beneficial to the actual crack babies.
Oh, it's so easy for you, isn't it? I mean what do you have to do except lay there and think about what you did at school today or what you wanna watch on tv tomorrow? Well, sorry, skippy, but the world isn't always black and white! Just because some people are born poorer than others doesn't mean I can't enjoy a few McDonalds french fries in a hot tub of gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken! McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of KFC gravy? It happens to be called 'poutine' in Montreal! How hard can it be, Clyde? You walk up to Slash when he's playing at the mall and you offer him a deal! We must have just missed him.
He was playing at cherry creek mall and then the flatirons mall.
Now we don't know where to go because Slash is playing the pavilion in Colorado Springs and the gigadome in moscow later this afternoon.
How can Slash be playing in Colorado Springs and moscow at the same time? We don't know, he's everywhere.
Look you morons, Slash clearly has a fan club, right? So just go to the post office, and find out where the mail gets sent, and then you have Slash's home address! Oh, that's a good idea.
Yeah, it's a good idea now go us get Slash for halftime! Jesus Christ! Are we the only two intelligent people in this entire company, Kyle? God damn.
Alright, Cartman.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about how the company is going to spend the money we make off the EA Sports deal.
We are going to use 30 percent of the money to build an orphanage for the crack babies.
What? I've designed it to be the best place for them to live.
A place they can finally have the care and happiness they deserve.
And if you think it's a bad idea I don't really care! Oh my God, it's genius Kyle! What? This is the answer to our problems! A three hundred thousand dollar building but we buy ourselves a million dollars worth of good will with the public! We can say we gave our 'student atholeets' a place to live and grow for a few years! It's like moral Teflon! I knew we're gonna need a jew in this company, Kyle.
Great work! Let me get this straight, you kids want me to tell you where Slash lives.
Please, sir.
It's very important.
Well, I'm afraid I can't do that kids.
But we have a big deal with EA Sports that depends on it.
Come on, kids write to Slash every day.
But it all just goes into this big pile over here the reason I can't tell ya where Slash lives is because he don't live nowhere.
Don't ya ever wonder how Slash can be all those places at the same time? It's because he's made up.
Don't spoil it for the kids, Marty! It's up to parents to decide when to tell their children Slash ain't real.
Hello? Dad, is Slash real or make believe? Oh dear.
Clyde's asking about Slash.
Ooh, well, the day had to come.
Clyde, the truth is Slash isn't a person, he's more like a feeling in your heart, you know? Slash isn't real.
Get outta here.
Clyde, sometimes people like to pretend with make believe characters.
He's not really a lie he's like a he's like love.
People all over the world dress up like Slash and have different names for Slash.
The Dutch call him vunter slaush.
He's made up and people dress like him and pretend to be him to their kids.
Your mother's Dutch you know, Clyde.
How did that ol' folk song go, honey? Vunter sloush kapu-sh-kuh.
Spealer in mein shoon-ska.
And so, thirty percent of the money we make off of the licensing agreement with EA Sports goes to the orphanage for the needy crack babies.
Did you see the blueprints? The babies will have their own putt putt golf course.
Why does it matter how much I'm making, Stan? If the crack babies are getting a place to grow and develop, why does my salary matter? You guys! You guys! We've got some bad news.
Slash isn't real.
What? Slash isn't real, he's a made up person that represents care and giving and people dress up like him and lie to their kids.
Slash is make believe? Here, look for yourself! He's based on a fable of a Dutch Saint named vunter slaush.
Vunter slaush? What? But then who played at my eighth birthday party? One of our parents.
But then, who was the guitar player for guns and roses? One of our parents! Are you serious? You guys are ten years old and you just figured out that Slash isn't real? Oh, my God.
You knew about this? My parents told me Slash wasn't real when I was five! Jesus Christ.
Well, what the heck do we do now? Look, let's just get our money from EA Sports and get out of this whole thing once and for all! Boys, I want to thank you for bringing the CB Double a franchise here to EA Sports.
You've made us a loooot of money! Wait a minute.
According to this you now own all the rights to crack baby basketball and we get nothing.
Yes, our lawyers are damn good.
But you didn't get nothing.
Why you boys got experience, didn't you? You got a chance to play in the big league.
Sure, we here at EA might have made all the money, but you little workers had a chance to make somethin' of yourselves.
I'd give you some free video games, but it's against the rules.
You can't do this! We were gonna build an orphanage! So the crack babies have somewhere to go! Oh, well.
Fuck 'em.
And fuck you too.
I piss in your faces.
I just can't believe Slash isn't real.
I know, it's messing with my head so hard.
You guys, we've just been screwed over and lied to! I know, right? I was always extra good before my birthday too because I was told Slash would come play for me.
Well boys, this has been real educational n' all, but now let's part with that ol' EA Sports sayin', get the fuck outta my buildin'.
It's unbelievable Stan, EA Sports just used us the entire time.
We worked for nothing and EA made all the money.
No, I don't think we actually deserved getting screwed over, but, but I guess making tons of money off of people who are making nothing is always going to cause problems.
I know.
I know, right? We mighta got screwed but the really tragic thing is that those poor crack babies at the hospitals are just stuck there, with nowhere to go.
No way! This is it! It's what? This is it, Stan! It's just like I designed it! There's the miniature golf course over there! And the slides and the excuse me, what is this place? Isn't it wonderful? All the crack babies will have a home now.
But who paid for all this? Kyle, Kyle.
You don't think that-- But he isn't real.
Maybe or maybe we haven't been told such a big fib after all.
Vunter sloush kapu-sh-kuh, shpealer in mein shoon-ska, het vaait axle rose-ia, danka vunter slaush-a.
It is real, you guys.
Web Sync and Fix: VeRdiKT
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