South Park s17e10 Episode Script

The Hobbit

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.
Friendly faces everywhere humble folks without temptation.
I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.
Ample parking day or night, people spouting, "Howdy, neighbor".
I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.
Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! Murpph mmmph mmph mmph mrrr mff mrmmph! So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.
Yeah, yeah, do we rock, yeah, yeah, take it to the top.
Yeah, yeah, are we gonna stop, no way, no way.
Cheer squad roar call! Heidi! Nicole! Bebe.
Lisa Burger.
- Oh, God.
- Here we go.
Could we maybe try one without Lisa Berger? You guys, stop it.
Okay, Lisa, that's great but you need to have more confidence, okay? - But I'm the fat one.
- What? Every cheerleading squad has the fat ugly cheerleader and that's me.
See, that's the problem, Lisa.
You have a bad self image.
Just project all your sassiness to all the boys out there, okay? There's only one boy that Lisa cares about.
- Yeah, Lisa has a crush on Butters.
- Shut up.
But Lisa, that's great! Have you told Butters that you like him? No way.
I'd just get made fun of.
Lisa, this is exactly what you need.
Take Butters to see a movie or something.
It'll do wonders for your confidence.
So then the family with the mustache saw the cupcakes then lady takes out a gun and puts it in his face and she says Excuse me, Butters.
Oh, yes? Uh, well, I was just wondering if maybe you'd like to go to a movie this weekend.
Oh, like a date? No thanks, Lisa.
I really appreciate the offer but you're too fat for me.
See you, Lisa! Ha-ha, Butters got asked out by a fat girl.
At least she didn't try to sit on him.
You guys, come on.
That's not cute.
You shouldn't rip on her because she's fat.
You should rip on her because she's ugly, okay? She looks like someone hit her in the face with a hot shovel and that's why she sucks, alright? Camptown ladies sing this song, Doo-dah, Doo-dah Camptown race-track five miles long, Oh, doo-dah day - What the BEEP is your problem? - Oh, hey, Wendy.
Are you just an asshole? Is that it? - Am I just an asshole? - Yeah! Well, no, I've got arms and legs, I've got everything.
Lisa Burger asked you out and you called her "fat"?! Do you have any idea how you made her feel? She's a really nice girl! I think she's a nice girl too.
She's just too big for me.
She's a little overweight, but that's pretty normal for a girl in fourth grade.
Well Kim Kardashian is skinnee and she just had a baby.
What?! I'm sorry, Wendy, but I have a different standard when it comes to my women.
I want a woman who takes care of herself and knows how to look good, who's got perfect skin and no *** and perfect everything.
This is a fantasy, you moron! You ever heard of Photoshop? Kim Kardashian is a short overweight woman who manipulates her image and makes average girls feel horrible about hemselves.
- You're a liar! - Look it up, stupid! In real life, Kim Kardashian has the body of a hobbit.
You're gonna be in real trouble when the teachers find out what you said to that poor girl.
Uh, take a seat, Wendy.
I guess some mean things were said and I need to get to the bottom of it.
Oh, good, Lisa Burger told on you? Good.
Uh, no, Wendy, apparently you called Butters' girlfriend a hobbit.
Are you serious? You did! You said Kim is short, fat, with big hairy feet and she's a hobbit.
That's not his girlfriend.
It's Kim Kardashian! But, Wendy, Kim Kardashian is considered to be extremely beautiful.
Okay? Right.
But she's not in real life.
She's a hobbit.
Wow, she said it again! Now, Wendy, Kim might be full figured, but a woman's outward appearance isn't all that matters, okay? Have you stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe You're jel? I'm not jel.
And I happen to be the biggest feminist at this school.
That may be true, but there's a very fine line, Wendy, between being a feminist and being a hater, emkay? And you're gonna have to find that line because nobody likes a girl who's jelly.
Okay, kids, there's been some hurtful and hateful things being said around this school.
And so, we're gonna hear from a guest speaker, here to explain why Kim Kardashian is not a hobbit.
Please welcome Aquaman.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, that's right.
- Uh-oh.
Okay, first of all, I'm not Aquaman.
I'm a recovering gay fish.
Yes, I have met Aquaman, I have hung out with Aquaman, but the only thing I have in common with Aquaman any more is my love for the sea.
Now, there've been malicious rumors started at this elementary school that my beautiful fiancée is a hobbit.
That is not funny.
And it's not true, all right? Yes, Kim is heavier than most of her pictures show her to be.
Yes, she gets her hair lasered off her body.
Yes, she has a friend named Gandalf who happens to be a wizard.
I'm sorry, excuse me a minute.
Bitch, how you not the hobbit again? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
Right, right, right, yeah, okay.
Yup, okay.
Let me.
Yep, I got it.
Love you too.
If my fiancée Kim is a hobbit, then how come then, okay, if she's a hobbit then how come she don't live in a hole in the ground? Boom! All y'all just got lit up, cop! She don't live in no hole in no ground, she is lives in a big-ass mansion with me, in her room that is slightly below ground.
So, you can She-she is sexy and womanly and she smokes a pipe, she can blow them rings over her head and Hold up.
Bitch, you not a hobbit, right? No, I know, you just you smoke that long pipe sometimes when you sit by the fire.
Oh, it's a Oh, okay.
Gottit, gottit.
What do you call it? Yup.
Got it.
Love you too.
That is not a hobbit pipe, for your information.
It is a personal oral humidifier, to keep all the wrinkles around her mouth from showing.
So ha ha, all you haters, ha! - Butters, Butters, come here for a sec.
- Oh, no, you don't, Wendy.
You're not trapping me inside the computer lab to beat me up.
Butters, would you please let me show you something so we can put this behind us.
Alright, but if you try to punch me, I'll scream.
I want you to see just how easy this is, so we can better understand each other.
This is Lisa Burger's class photo, right? Okay? Now, first thing we do is just photoshop the bulges on the sides, we select the eyes, make them a nicer shape, take off any *** on her skin, lengthen the neck, add more to the hair, select the lips, make 'em fuller, take out any puffiness on her skin, here, add fullness to the breast, length to the torso, take away that fold of skin, streamline the shoulders, put highlights in the eyes and there.
- That's Lisa Burger?! - Do you see what I'm talking about? - She's pretty! - That's how people like Kim Kardashian destroy the self image of little girls everywhere.
Hold up, are you saying that girl wants to go out with me? - What? What do you mean? - And I said no?! Oh, man, I got to upload this and then go buy her some flowers, - and then go tell her I love her.
- Butters! Lisa? Lisa Burger? Anybody seen Lisa Burger? Oh, hi, Eric, have you seen Lisa Burger anywhere? I saw the picture of her you put on the Internet.
I know.
I'm gonna tell her I love her, and we're gonna be together and be happy forever.
Uh, Butters, I don't know how to tell you this, but - Lisa Burger's going out with Clyde.
- What?! Since when? Dude, since like noon or 12:30 today.
Hey, Token.
Token, check out my girlfriend.
- Wow, she's hot.
- Yeah, we just started dating seriously.
You want to be my new girlfriend, ***? - Oh, man, you're a lucky guy.
- Yeah, I know.
Hey, Clyde, nice score, dude.
- Yeah! - Ha, thanks, guys.
Hey, Stan, did you see Clyde's going out with Lisa Bu-Burger.
Yeah, dude.
She looks amazing.
Clyde sent me her pics.
- She got really hot all of a sudden.
- Yeah, I wouldn't mind tapping that ass.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey, Wendy.
Clyde sent me these, don't be jel.
Why would I be jel? Well, you got to admit.
Lisa Burger's pretty hot, Wendy.
She's not hot.
That's supposed to be the point.
- She looks pretty hot here.
- Lisa Burger is not hot! She's fat and ugly.
- That's not very nice, Wendy.
- What's your problem, Wendy? - I'm sorry.
It's nothing personal, Lisa.
- You're just a hater.
Why don't you mind your own business instead is of being jelly.
I am not jelly! I made that picture of you to prove a point.
- And it's being taken the wrong way! - It's okay, babe.
Girls that don't have what you have will always put you down.
Thanks, babe.
Now, Wendy, I've tried to be patient with you, because you've always been a good student, mkey? But calling a little girl fat and ugly is never mkay.
Mackey, I was trying to show kids that No, no excuses.
You have a problem being jelly, Wendy.
Mkey? Just maybe I should have you sent off to Jelly School.
Jelly School? That's right.
In fact, I'm gonna call the Jelly School right now, mkay? I'm sorry about this, but it's gone too far.
I've had it.
Hello, is this the Jelly School? Mkay, I have a girl here who's extremely jelly.
I was wondering if you can take her in for a few weeks.
Mkay, you're full? Mkay, I guess she dodged the bullet this time but she better watch her jelly behavior Mr.
Mackey, I appreciate the point you're trying to make.
Y-you do? Okay, well I'm not actually on the phone with the Jelly School, Wendy, mkay? Yes.
I'm I'm a few steps ahead of that, yes.
Mkay, well, Wendy, I'm just tryin' to Bye, Jelly School.
Uh, Wendy, I'm just trying to make you understand how serious it is when you lash out at other girls, Thank you, Mr.
Yeah, I will change.
M kay.
___ Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to give the Person of the Year award to this year's winner, Pope Francis.
Gracias Gracias - All of my children - Alright, hold up.
Hold up.
I'm sorry, Pope, but hold up.
I just gotta say this.
If my fiancée is a hobbit, then, um Then what, bitch? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, if she was if she is a hobbit, then how come she don't turn blue when goblins are near? Oh, you didn't think of that! Oh, I guess she's not a hobbit, then! She must be a beautiful sexy woman! The hobbit doesn't turn blue around goblins, just his sword does.
Man, get the BEEP out of here, you hobbit trivia bitch.
Who the BEEP asked you? Nobody is talking any more shit about my woman all right? She is gorgeous.
If she was here you could all see for yourself how beautiful she is, but she can't be here, because she has a movie coming out on Friday, directed by Peter Jackson, called "The Hobbit".
Hold up.
Bitch, that movie you got coming out is called "The Hobbit"? Yeah, but it It's what? Oh, yeah, yup, yup.
I got it.
Let me tell them.
Love you too.
Kim is not even in that movie.
That movie is just loosely based on her television show, "Keeping up with the Kardashians", which is a show about short loud little people living in a fantasy world.
Hold up.
Bitch, if you the hobbit, you need to let me know right now, 'cause I'm making a fool of myself out here.
Yeah, yeah, do we rock, yeah, yeah, take it to the top.
Yeah, yeah, are we gonna stop, no way, no way.
Cheer squad roar call! Heidi.
Lisa Burger.
And I'm your captain, Wendy.
Look, Wendy we're all very happy for Lisa, okay? Nobody here is jelly but the boys don't even notice the rest of us any more.
All we're asking is you do for us what you did for Lisa, and help with our imperfections.
- I won't do you, guys.
I'm sorry.
- Why, don't you care about us? Because it's wrong.
If you guys are unhappy with the way you look, then that's your problem.
Hey, girls.
Don't be sad.
If you want to look really hot, like me, you just got to be willing to sweat.
Get down to the gym and work.
All right, girls we're gonna trim that fat and tone those bodies.
Let's do this.
You first.
Get right up there.
All right, now look here.
Come on, burn it off.
You got this.
Look at those thighs Come on, you gotta push harder! You better work out, whore! Whoa She looks sweet.
Whoa, look at Bebe.
I had no idea Bebe was that hot.
Yeah, but did you see Token's girlfriend? Um, my bitch is still the hottest, you guys.
No way, go back to Annie Nelson.
She's built like a slim-Jim.
Yeah, clearly Annie Nelson is the hottest girl at our school.
Look at those eyes! Did you not see Erica Smith's boobs, Cal? They're like perfect water balloons.
I do love water balloons.
- Hey, Wendy, can I ask you a big favor? - What? A lot of the pictures I have of you are kinda outdated and I You know, I wanna be able to show everyone how pretty you are.
So you want me to photoshop-picture me to take away any imperfections, is that it? - How dare you, Stan? - Wendy, why is it such a big deal? Because people should be okay with the way they look! I have pimples on my forehead.
My bottom teeth are crooked.
So what?! - You have short legs.
- I do? Yeah, and Jason has freckles, and Billy Turner has narrow shoulders.
The chearleaders? Bebe has acne, Lala's arms are too short, Nicole's eyes are puffy, Annie has thin hair, and Heidi Turner's butt is flat! - Oh, God dammit.
- You hater! Wendy, in my office, right now, mkay? One thing I know, My girl ain't no hobbit.
She might be stumpy, that don't mean she a hobbit She's not a hobbit, because she couldn't be.
She's got no Bagginses in her family tree.
On occasion she hangs out with dwarf friends.
But she never went on a quest with her dwarf friend.
Except for one time, she went to kill that dragon She took his skull and Hang on a minute, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Bitch, remember when you out to kill that dragon with them dwarves? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Right, right, right.
Yup, I got it.
Love you too.
It wasn't no dragon, so my girl ain't no hobbit, That was at Quiznos and my bitch went to rob it, 'Cause they got the hap that she rubs on her cellulite, While she drinkin' her grog and singin' those merry songs At night My girl ain't no hobbit.
Please, God, tell me I ain't engaged to no hobbit Who are you yelling for? South Park.
Let's go, cows.
Who are you yelling for? South Park.
Let's go, cows.
Heidi! Nicole! Bebe.
Lisa Burger.
- Oh, she sucks! - Oh, God! - Can we try this without Wendy? - I agree.
Hey, come on, you guys.
She just needs more confidence.
It's okay, Wendy.
Who cares if no one likes you.
Maybe you should go out with Butters.
Let's just get back to cheering, okay? I don't think so.
We don't wanna cheer with a hater! Yeah, you have a bad self image, Wendy.
You need to get down to the gym and get a better one.
Yeah, that's right! See, the problem with having fake pictures of yourself, is that you start to believe in your own bullshit! This has gone way too far, and if society won't fix it, I will! What are you gonna do? Something that should have been done a long time ago.
It's the morning News with Tom and Tammy Thompson.
A little girl is making big waves with her fight against Photoshop.
Nine-year-old Wendy Testaburger started a campaign and tomorrow will speak before the State Senate to ban the use of Photoshop images, saying they're harmful to young girls.
Young lady, what is your message? Watching what Photoshop is doing to society Little girls are aspiring to have bodies they can't possibly have! We have to put a stop to it.
And you're not just being a hater.
No 'Cause sometimes girls who aren't well liked, you know, lash out at pretty and popular girls.
Are you well liked at your school? Not lately, no.
But you're not being jelly.
No, that has nothing to do with me wanting to protest against Photoshop images.
OK, because I do understand that the Jelly School in Aurora is ready to take you in, is that right, Rick? Tom, I'm standing in front of the Jelly School where officials claim they do have room for this little hater girl.
We're being told, if she doesn't stop That's not a Jelly School.
That's a Dunkin' Donuts.
Well, okay, but you are a hater.
That's fine! People can call me whatever names they want to.
I don't care! There's a cancer in our country and I'm not going to rest until Photoshop images are required to be labeled for what they are - fake.
And nothing in his world is going to stop me.
Ah! What do you want? Once upon a time there was a little hobbit that lived in the forest.
And all the hobbit ever wanted was to be beautiful.
And even though she was short and fat and hairy, this little hobbit dreams that one day she could be pretty like Beyonce.
And then one day, along came a magic powder called Photoshop.
And just like that, poof! The little hobbit was beautiful.
And even though she still couldn't sing like Beyonce or dance like Beyonce, or act like Beyonce or be a decent human being like Beyonce, the little hobbit was looked up to and loved Just like Beyonce! Soon she had money and adoration, and a hip-hop fiancé who loved her very much.
I'm sorry.
Hold up.
Hold up, I'm sorry.
Everything was good for the hobbit, but then this mean little girl called the jelly monster.
She was so jelly of the hobbit that she told everyone she was a liar And the hobbit's fiancé realized she was just a hobbit and you know what he said? He said I don't care! And then the jelly monster came and tried to take the powder away from the little hobbit.
So the hobbit prayed to God And God said, "Don't worry, little hobbit.
" "I will go find this jelly monster girl" "and I will read her a story and melt her icy heart.
" And the hobbit said, "Thank you", and the hobbit and God lived happily ever after because I love her so much.
I'm sorry.
Hold up.
Hold up.
- Hold up.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry that I've been jelly.
- It's okay.
Hold up.
No, I've been a hater and I really am sorry.
It's okay.
I've been jelly before too.
I'm sorry.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode