South Park s18e01 Episode Script

Go Fund Yourself

[Quirky music.]
I'm goin' down to South park gonna have myself a time friendly faces everywhere humble folks without temptation I'm goin' down to South park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor headin' on up to South park gonna see if I can't unwind [muffled.]
Come on down to South park and meet some friends of mine [Upbeat music.]
Boner Balls.
Boner Balls.
Boner, Boner Forest.
Dense Boner Forest.
Pungent Crotch Sweat.
Milky Crotch Ooze.
Barking Vaginal Belch.
Protruding Vaginal Boner.
(Kenny): Dilapidated titties incorporated.
Oh, I like that.
Rotten Booby turds.
- Nah.
- Bloody Butt Cough.
Angry Clit Spasm.
Nope, sorry.
Whooping Fart Balls.
- No.
- Lubricated Titty Burgers.
That's taken, too.
Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge.
Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge is taken? Come on! How are we supposed to name our start-up company if every name is already taken.
I told you you just have to be really original with you company name.
There's a lot of start-up companies these days.
Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly On the Table Incorporated.
That's available! Congratulations! It doesn't quite roll off the tongue.
Dude, we're not gonna get any attention with that name.
Man, this sucks.
Uh, Stan, aren't you supposed to be in school? No, dad, we don't need school anymore.
We're forming a start-up company.
- A start-up company? A company that does what? - No, we don't want to do anything.
Yeah, that's why we want to have a start-up company.
Yeah, we're sick of school.
But all the good attention-getting start-up company names are taken.
Well, boys there's more to starting a company than having a catchy name.
No, there isn't.
You guys! You guys, it's awesome! Holy shit, you guys! You guys, I've got it.
What? It's the greatest start-up company name ever.
What? Tell us.
Washington Redskins.
- Washington Redskins? - It's so sweet.
I'm pretty sure that's taken, Cartman.
It's not, dude.
Some dumb court thingie happened and the trademark got pulled.
We can use it! And the logo! Washington Redskins.
- I like it.
- Me too.
- What? - Dude, there's already brand name awareness and it's instantly recognizable! Wait, guys, this doesn't seem legal.
Kyle, you're not hearing me.
The trademark has been pulled.
We can do whatever we want.
- You all right, dude? - Yeah.
I just well, I just thought our company name would be more like original.
It's a strong name, dude.
It's like aggressive and masculine, like Boner Forest, but Boner Forest was taken.
Yeah but maybe we need a name that's more affirming.
- Like shows what we stand for.
- We don't stand for anything.
Remember, our company plan, guys start up, cash in, sell out, bro down.
I'm just not sure this is the name people are gonna give money to.
We already got a dollar.
What? One dollar pledged.
I told you guys, Washington Redskins' totally gets people attention.
- Another 2 dollars.
- No way! Sittin' on our asses, here we come! Another new start-up company is gaining a lot of attention on the Internet.
They're a company that does absolutely nothing.
And they're called the Washington Redskins.
The Redskins started as what appeared to be some kind of adolescent prank but almost overnight it has become one of the most heavily funded projects on KickStarter.
Why did you give $5 to the Washington Redskins KickStarter? I don't know.
I just They don't do anything.
That's pretty sweet.
I don't know, I thought it was funny.
By pledging just one or two dollars you are helping us in our fervent quest to not have to do stuff.
If you pledge $10 or more you will receive this luxurious company microband.
It's called Crowd Funding.
Using the Internet to raise money without having to pay back your investors.
A tactic that some believe is unfair and impersonal.
Washington Redskins, go fuck yourself.
Sure we'd be happy to take your money.
Yep, just go to our KickStarter page.
Okay, nice idiot.
Uh-uh fuck you, bye-bye.
- You are Eric Cartman.
- Yes, I know.
My name is Dan Snyder.
I'm the president and owner of the Washington Redskins.
Oh cool, please take a seat.
- Thank you, but I will stand.
- Nice, I like that.
Young man, we ask that you please stop using the name Washington Redskins for your organization.
Stop? But why? Because we are the Washington Redskins and we are a football team.
You have no right to use our name to get attention.
The trademark got pulled.
So, I'm totally free to use the name actually.
(PHONE RINGS) Butters, could you get that? Washington Redskins go fuck yourself.
Look, don't you see that when you call your organization the Washington Redskins, it's offensive to us.
How is it offensive? How is it offensive? Jesus! We are a proud team, Mr.
We have no wish to be associated - with people who actively do nothing.
- Make us feel like a joke! Guys, guys! We have total respect for you.
When we named our company Washington Redskins it was out of deep appreciation for your team and your people.
I know I can't legally make you stop using our name, but, but won't you just do it out of decency? No.
Because I don't want to and we can't just change the name of our company cuz it's like super hard.
But hey, from one redskin to another, go fuck yourself.
(plays sad music) All around the world people are saying they are inspired by the Washington Redskins.
The Internet start-up company has raised so much money on KickStarter, that now more groups are doing the same.
(TV's news) More news on the Washington Redskins tonight.
Their defiant f-you attitude has now caught the attention of terrorist group ISIS.
The terrorists said they admire the Washington Redskins and want to try and follow their business model.
Well, let's not forget, Marsha, there's a people here, okay, who are not happy about the use of the name.
The football Washington Redskins.
Well, yeah, but does anyone really care about them? Dude, this is so cool! We only have six days to go before all the money pledged to - our company becomes liquid.
- (Door opens) Guys, we need to talk to you.
I really don't think we want to be a company that ISIS looks up to.
We should maybe issue a statement saying we don't sanction them.
Oh, no, you guys! We started this company to do nothing.
If we start doing stuff now, it will put it all at risk.
People aren't gonna support our company if we dig in our heels and say we don't care about anything.
Digging in our heels and pissing on public opinion is what the Washington Redskins are all about.
Now come on guys! If you want to be a successful business then you have to be honest about what you are.
Once you take a stand on something, you're pretending like your company is about more than money.
Then all of a sudden you're the NFL and your players get caught molesting little boys! That's the Catholic church! NFL, Catholic church, the same thing.
Okay, let's use the Catholic church.
You take a moral stand on issues, you say you're about honor, integrity, and the next thing you know your clergymen are getting caught beating up their wives in an elevator.
- That's the NFL.
- It's the same thing, Kyle! The point is, if we as an organization claim to be about high morality, somebody is eventually going to get raped or beaten in an elevator.
- And it's most likely going to be Butters.
- Oh, no! All right.
I really didn't wanna have to do this, but I'm not happy with the direction this company is taking.
Well, what are you gonna do, go back to school? - I'm not going back there, man.
- Maybe I'll start my own company.
Well, that's fine! You can't call yourself Washington Redskins.
I don't want to.
It's a stupid name! Well, I guess everything's out on the table now, huh Kyle? Yeah, I guess I guess everything is.
Stan, do you think our name is stupid too? I don't know, I But I don't know if my future is with this company either.
Well, then, I wish you both well in your new venture.
Good-bye! Hang on, is this the company where I don't get raped? Yeah, here, here, right? Okay, I'm gonna stay in here.
Is the league just going to sit by while my team and my players are compared to ISIS? You have to do something, commissioner Goodell.
What are you going to do about this? I will get it right.
And do whatever is necessary to accomplish that.
- What? - We will continue to identify - and add expertise to our team.
- That's the most ridiculous, nothing answer I have ever heard.
- What are you gonna do now? - Every one will participate in education sessions starting in the next month.
- Aww this thing is broken.
- We can add, and we will do - more, do more, do more.
- Get all the NFL owners on Skype! This thing is broken again! So I call upon the help of all owners, you cannot let my people be belittled like this.
Dan, you don't want to be dealing with this stuff.
Let the Goodell-bot do it.
This stupid thing isn't working! I will get it right! Man, that thing hasn't worked right since we bought it.
Look, my team is starting to lose hope.
You have to use your influence to make these people change their name.
Did you tell them we're about honor and integrity.
If the Goodell-bot is broken we must stay out of it more than even usual.
And so I am alone? What if they ridicule the 49ers team next or make fun of Jerry Jones because his eyes are too far apart.
Mine aren't too far apart.
If we get them to change their logo, will it make you happy? I guess we can live with that.
Then it's decided.
We will make them change their logo.
Begin mass behind-the-scenes-under-the-table enforcement of our wishes, now! - All: Goal! - Thank God.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you out there.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Those words mean a great deal with us.
They help us express just how we as a company see things differently.
There are a lot of start-up companies on KickStarter, but after today I think you'll agree that Washington Redskins is the most exciting.
As you know, the Redskins have been on the forefront of KickStarter as a company that is always finding new and exciting ways to tell people to go fuck themselves And now our company is thrilled to show you all of the latest innovations we've come up with.
To begin with, we have moved the couch from the left side of the office to the right side.
But we didn't stop there.
We all added a new rug.
That goes better with our office drapes.
And probably most exciting of all, we have actually updated the company from the inside out.
We received a lot of pressure from certain communities to change our Redskins logo.
As the company, we want to be firm, but we also want to be flexible.
And so we thought if we have to change our logo it should be more in step with the day's times.
But still define us as the leading KickStarter company.
What we came up with is the new company logo that I think you'll all agree is very exciting.
Now when people hear the name Redskins they will immediately think titties and balls.
It's just a bold new way that we can say, we don't fucking care.
- Go Redskins! - [cheers.]
It's so awesome, dude.
Our company already has 100 backers.
And we still have 14 days to go.
- Yeah.
- You okay, bro? I just never saw myself owning a company called Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly On the Table.
Give it time.
It'll grow on you.
Why don't we just call it Untitled Start-up company? Because that sounds like we don't have anything.
We've been through this already, Stan.
Yeah, I know that.
But a good company should never have - seven words in its title.
- What do you mean? I just feel that somewhere out there there's a perfect start-up company name.
- And I need to be free to go find it.
- Oh.
Well, I certainly don't want you to feel that Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly On the Table is holding you back.
Good luck with your company, dude.
Good luck with yours.
It's just incredible, Harry.
Everyone is using KickStarter for everything.
- And for every project funded we get 5%.
- It's like we don't even have to do anything and we just make money.
Sitting on our asses here we come.
Huh? Ugh! [screams.]
- Good morning, guys! - Happy deadline day.
We made it, guys.
We can finally stop doing stuff and see how much our company made in four, three, two, one - That's the deadline! - Oh boy, this is like Christmas morning! What the hell, can't find the server.
Kickstarter, where is KickStarter? Get it up on your phone, Butters Come on, I wanna know how much our company is worth.
It's not coming up on my phone, neither.
I don't - Holy mother Mary! - What? Somebody raided KickStarter and they burned the building to the ground! - What? - Somebody killed KickStarter! Who the hell would burn KickStarter to the ground? Oh my God! That weird little Jewy guy! Kyle! What the hell is wrong? Can't find the server? - KickStarter.
- You son of a bitch! - What? - You broke KickStarter.
No, I just can't get it to load.
Nobody can, it's gone! You just couldn't take it that our company was more successful than yours would ever be.
My company was on KickStarter, too.
- Why would I give rid of it? - Well somebody did! It doesn't matter you guys.
There's something a lot more important here.
Do you guys remember when we first decided to start a company together? We all had a common goal.
And we are not gonna let anything stop us from getting to bro down.
But somewhere between starting up and selling out we we lost our way.
We can't do this on our own.
- We need each other.
- He's right.
- We should do a merger.
- A merger? It's too late for that, you guys.
KickStarter is gone! We don't have a company.
We don't have anything! Yes, we do! We have a sweet name.
I was wrong, Cartman.
Washington Redskins is the perfect name.
I think maybe I was just jealous that I didn't come up with it.
It is really sweet.
And we always said that all we needed was a sweet name and the rest would figure itself out.
Yeah, we can do it fellas! - It'll be like old times.
- What do you say, Cartman? Fuck you! Fuck you everyone! Yes, fuck you all.
Thanks! How you stay relevant in a volatile marketplace? As you know, our goal at Washington Redskins, is to not do anything, and make money not doing it.
When KickStarter went down many saw their start-up projects die, but here at Washington Redskins we saw opportunity.
People still need a way to raise money for their stupid start-up projects.
And with the Redskins, you can now, go fund yourself.
And the idea is simple.
You, the people, go out and raise all your own money - and give the Washington Redskins 5%.
- You will literally be giving us money for doing absolutely nothing.
It is the biggest fuck you, we have ever come up with.
But we didn't stop there.
Because a new company direction also means of course, a new and improved logo.
- [Crowd cheering.]
- Go Redskins! A beautiful night in Arlington Texas as the Dallas Cowboys get set to take on the Washington Redskins.
That is, of course Washington Redskins the football team, not Washington Redskins, the audacious crowd funding company.
Yeah, if you ask me the Redskins are a scam.
You're talking about the crowd funding company, Redskins? That's right.
And now you've got terrorist groups like ISIS, using the Redskins to raise their money.
I don't like what the Redskins are doing.
- Those Redskins.
- Yeah, whatever.
It's over.
Our name has been reduced to a stereotype and a joke.
- Yeah.
Let's just go home.
- No.
No, we cannot give up.
We have been through too much together! We have fought eagle and bear! The eagles only beat us by three points.
Yeah, but I just feel stupid wearing this now.
- Yeah.
- Come on, guys.
Where will we go? What will we do? Don't let them break you! Don't let them win! And the Cowboys are still set to kick off, but there doesn't seem to be anyone to kick off, to.
Yeah, and Jerry Jones must be happy.
This means a forefit.
- Another win for the Cowboys.
- Wait a minute.
It appears a lone Redskin is making his way out of the locker room.
- The Cowboys kicking off.
- [Cheering.]
- Hut, hut hut hut! - Ahghghgh! - Hut hut hut hut.
- Agahghahgh! Hut, hut, hut.
Just stay down! - For the love of God! - Hut hut, huutttt Stop! Make it stop! - Just stay down! - Just make him stay down! - Go Redskins! Boy, this is the life, huh, guys? - We finally did it.
- I might just sit here until my ass fuses into the couch.
What the hell is that? Booo! - Boo! - Whoa whoa what? - Change your name! - It doesn't belong in today's society! Change our name? But you all thought our name was sweet.
There's nothing sweet about a people who were decimated.
A once proud nation that finally lost hope and left their leader to be massacred by Cowboys in a defiant last stand.
- When was this? - Last night.
Until you change your name, we are asking all your - subscribers to boycott you.
- That's right.
ISIS will no longer use your insensitive company for its fund-raising Yeah.
- All right! - Good for you ISIS! - What the hell do we do? - I guess we gotta go back to school.
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