South Park s19e04 Episode Script

You're Not Yelping

– Morning, Randy.
– Morning, Ger.
Just another day in paradise, huh? Look at all these new restaurants the Whole Foods has brought in.
Let’s try out that one there.
Two of us, please.
Yeah, sorry, guys.
We got about a 30-minute wait.
Excuse me.
Yes, sir.
Give me a second.
I’ll have a table right away.
– What’d you say to him? – I just told him who I am.
– Who are you? – I’m a Yelp reviewer.
I usually keep it on the down-low so they don’t kiss my ass too much.
Right over here, sir.
– Welcome to Vernacular.
– Thanks.
Did they mention to you that I am a Yelper? Yes, we’ve been alerted, sir.
Could you have them turn the lights up a little, please? Look at it, Gerald.
All the new families moving in.
Our little town is all grown up.
Where’s that other taco plate? We need it now! I’m a little overwhelmed.
We put everything into moving here and starting this business, and we have to be impressive.
David, you must help your mama however you can.
– We won’t back to that miserable place.
– I don’t want to go back, either.
– OK, done.
– Great! We really have to impress this customer.
He’s a local food critic.
Another one? OK, here you go, amigo.
Another taco plate and the taquitos.
Thank you.
And did I mention I am a food critic for Yelp? Yes, you mentioned that several times.
I didn’t want you caught off guard.
– I was thinking of giving five stars.
– Really? Yeah, but I’m kind of teetering on five stars or one star.
No one star, please.
What can we do to— I mean, I could probably be persuaded with some free desserts.
Let me get that for you.
Could you turn down the music? This pagan shit hurts my ears.
Of course.
Hey, busboy.
Busboy! Por favor! – Busboy! – My name is David.
Excuse me? I said my name is David.
It’s actually pronounced “Day-vid,” OK? Well, I’m “Da-veed.
” It’s “Day-vid,” dude.
Look it up.
What’s going on? Do not argue, son.
We need him.
There you are.
A few free desserts.
Excuse me.
More customers.
– Hi.
Two of us for lunch, please.
– Yes.
Right away.
And I just wanted to mention that my wife and I are Yelp reviewers, so your best table, please.
Oh, geez.
You guys, too, huh? OK, I’ll get you set up right over here, OK? This place seems nice.
I guess we’ll see.
I guess we’ll see, won’t we? Now everyone thinks they’re a food critic.
– Did you get them? – Here you go.
Crispy Risotto Bites from Olive Garden.
How do you do it? I’m a restaurant critic.
I get whatever I want.
So, the cafeteria’s back that way.
Most of the classrooms are this way— – What’s the busboy doing here? – David is new to our school.
Are you gonna clean the tables here, too? How do you get to school? Do you ride your tiny bicicleta? Shut up.
I gave your parents’ restaurant two stars, but it could’ve been worse.
Why’d you only give them two stars? The food totally messed my stomach up.
The morning after I ate it, my poop was all solid.
– Like, no water at all.
– It’s not supposed to have water— It was like this one, solid piece that I had to push out my asshole.
It was like being raped from the inside.
Your restaurant wasn’t up to my standards, “Day-vid.
” – “Da-veed.
” – “Day-vid.
” – “Da-veed.
” – “Day-vid.
” – “Da-veed.
” – “Day-vid.
” “Day-vid.
” I can update this to a one-star review in two seconds, dude.
Oh, God, I love being a restaurant critic.
And yet, there was more.
For in this crisp time when autumn begins to fade, the chef brines chicken in habanero and even adds habanero powder to the crust.
But the heat is restrained.
You experience the fruity flavor of this without any spicy pain.
I don’t need anymore pain.
Hell, does anyone? Gerald, we’re going to the park.
You want to come along? Sorry, honey.
This review for Applebee’s has turned into a 50-pager.
Then I have a polish on Ruby Tuesday’s.
Why don’t you take a break from Yelping? You seem a little overwhelmed.
I am overwhelmed.
Sometimes, I don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into.
But now everyone relies on my Yelp reviews, and I don’t want to let anyone down.
There’s chicken in the fridge if you get hungry.
Thanks, but I got Yelp a new place in Shi Tpa Town tonight.
God, I’m so damn tired.
OK, have fun.
“Fun,” she says.
In finality, I would say my experience at Applebee’s was sublime and my treatment near that of a gladiator most decorated.
But the street parking wasn’t great.
Two-and-a-half stars.
Come on, Liza.
I’ll introduce you to the girls.
– Aren’t you eating lunch? – I am a food critic, OK? I can’t just eat cafeteria food.
OK, here you are, sir! There’s orange peel chicken, some city beef, and a city egg roll! Are you joking? You are a little late.
Like maybe only-one-star late.
No one star, please.
You Yelpers are killing me! OK, you no pay.
You no pay.
Sounds good.
Get the fuck out of here.
I’ll get the fuck out! Thank you! You’re pretty important, Eric.
He’s not important at all.
You’re right, Kyle.
I’m not important.
Hey, David, I was just wondering.
How do you get to school? Do you ride your tiny bicicleta? – Stop it.
– What? I want him to say, “Sí, me ride me tiny bicicleta to school.
” Sí, me ride me tiny bicicleta to school.
That’s awesome.
I’m gonna go out to recess.
Will you bus this for me, David? Don’t.
Dude, don’t.
Sir, it’s midnight.
Go home.
Get some sleep.
There’s no time to sleep when the city’s counting on me.
More Yelp reviews, sir? I had a bad experience at Red Lobster.
If people don’t know about it, they could too.
Folks deserve to know where to eat, Mitch.
But does anyone even thank you for it? I don’t need them to.
I know they need me, and that’s enough.
– God bless you, sir.
– I know.
Welcome to Whistlin’ Willy’s.
Y’all enjoying your pizza? Look here, my good man.
We’ve been waiting over 15 minutes for you to sing Happy Birthday to our son.
Unfortunately for you, we are both restaurant critics, and so is our son.
One star! Excuse me! Emergency! Over here! Emergency! I would like a table inside the area with all the little plastic balls.
And make it snappy.
I am a food critic for Yelp.
That does it! I’ve had enough! All you Yelp reviewers get the hell out of here! I don’t care what happens to my business! I ain’t kissing your asses no more! Go on.
Every Yelper, get the fuck out of here! Careful now, Bill.
You don’t want a one-star review.
You’re not a food critic, Dennis! You’re a fucking mechanic! Now get the fuck out! Go on! All you Yelping sons of bitches get the fuck out of here! You’re gonna regret this, Whistlin’ Willy.
– You can’t treat Yelpers this way.
– You get the fuck out! – Good for you.
– You, too, you son of a bitch.
It’s over! You see paper? It’s over! Whistlin’ Willy! He stand up to the Yelpers! We don’t have to kiss their asses anymore! Look! Everybody doing the same! It’s over! It’s over! Skeeter, you hear the news? It’s a miracle.
It’s a miracle! What the fuck? Somebody spilled shit on the floor.
David, somebody spilled something here.
Could you clean this up, por favor? David? Over here.
There’s some shit on the floor.
– What’s going on, man? – You haven’t heard? Nobody gives a fuck what Yelp reviewers think anymore.
What? I’m the most influential critic in this town.
Forget the spill.
Just give me one little, “My name is David.
Me ride me bicicleta to school.
” My name is “Da-veed.
” OK, I’m updating my review.
I’m about to do it.
You better say, “I ride me bicicleta to school!” One star.
No stars? No stars? You can’t just treat me like I’m nothing.
I still know I’m worth something.
Come on, guys.
You guys stay at school.
That’s cool.
You guys stay here.
– Hey, Eric.
– It’s all over, Butters.
Everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve.
All these hack wannabe food critics have made my profession a joke.
I’m sorry, bud.
All these people trying to be like me, and they don’t even write about poop consistency the next day.
You should be proud that people want to be like you.
I mean, you really started something.
I guess.
If these people look up to you, maybe you can set the record straight and show them the way it’s supposed to be done.
You’re right.
Maybe I can use all these people somehow to make real food critics respected again.
Harrison Yates, what’s gotten into you? That’s it, Maggie.
I’m hanging it up.
If people are gonna be trying all the new restaurants in town, they’ll have to do it without my reviews.
What are you talking about? Protecting people from bad dining experiences was what kept you going.
The restaurants put up signs saying I can’t come in.
I don’t know why they singled me out, but it’s like people don’t need me.
– Well, I’ll be damned.
– What is it? Somebody’s put a note in the mailbox, asking me to come and talk to them.
They do need me.
I need to get going.
– You want me to come along? – No.
They’re just asking for me.
I guess maybe I do have a town to protect.
– Are you having a party, sweetheart? – Not a party, Mom.
I’ve invited all the poser food critics over for a meeting.
– How fun! – It’s not fun.
It’s serious.
They think they can do what I do, but they need to understand the reality.
When the Yelpers get here, I need you to get lost.
OK, that’s them.
Go! Get lost! Hello! Hi! My name is… – I’m here for the meeting.
– Is this the right place? Fuck.
Mom! I’m going, honey.
There’s like a billion people here! Yes, sweetie.
I think quite a few people are Yelp reviewers.
This many have nothing better to do than write reviews on Yelp? I guess so, honey.
Do you need more lemonade? There’s a fucking billion people here! Thank you all for coming.
My name is Eric, and as you know, us Yelpers are being scrutinized.
Can’t you speak a little louder? Yes, us Yelp critics are being scrutinized! – That’s right! – Yeah! Now, you see the problem is that when there’s too many reviewers, people no longer know who is the real food critic.
It’s great that you all want to be critics, but we all know who the real food analyst of the town is.
That’s right! Thanks.
OK, so, as long as there is one clear leader, then the rest of you can just follow.
And with this many people all following one captain, we can fight to get our power back! Power back! So now rise up, and fight for your leader! Fight together, and show the restaurants that our food critic does matter! Yeah, let’s go! All right, follow me! This way, everyone! Another local business is closing its doors tonight after being taken down by Yelp reviewers.
Whistlin’ Willy’s, a child favorite in town, was destroyed and its owner stripped and beheaded.
The following video is graphic.
No, please! We all loved Whistlin’ Willy’s.
It didn’t do well with Yelpers.
You destroyed the best restaurant because they wouldn’t kiss your asses! – Come on, admit it.
The food sucked.
– Nobody went for the fucking food! Look, I’m sorry, but they failed to recognize the influence someone like me has on their business.
Now, I just have one question for you, David.
Do you ride your teeny, tiny bicicleta to school? Sí.
Me ride mi teeny bicicleta to school.
– You’re done.
– Yeah, I’m done! I’m now the leader of thousands of people! They all hang on my every word, and I’ll use my power to finally get what this town really needs.
I found the waitstaff at Red Lobster to be rude and barely even acknowledging who I was or what I meant to this city.
Gerald, I’m taking Ike to clown school.
You care to join us? I can’t, honey.
I’m now the leader of thousands of people.
They all hang on my every word.
And I’m going to use my power to finally get what this town really needs.
For the fifth day in a row, historic Shi Tpa Town is under siege by Yelp reviewers.
The restaurants are still refusing to be intimidated, and the Yelp reviewers are… And the Yelp reviewers are preparing for all-out war.
The angry Yelp reviewers are demanding special treatment at all city restaurants.
They claim that as local food critics, they deserve respect and that all who oppose them will suffer.
The restaurant critics are getting ready to bring businesses to their knees, and some are already closing their doors.
One local restaurant worker actually called out the Yelp critics’ leader.
I guess you win, huh, big shot? If you really are any kind of important anybody, get your bullshit food-critic ass to the south of town and face me, because you aren’t a food critic, and you aren’t important! And unless you’re chicken, I’ll see you south of town.
– Where you going, sir? – You heard him.
Little Mexican kid called me out.
He wants to fight me, that’s fine.
– You need backup, sir? – No.
He’s just calling me out.
– God bless you, sir… – I know! David! Dude, wait! Dude, you don’t wanna do this.
You don’t know what Cartman’s capable of.
Where I come from, we settle things with our fists.
But this isn’t Mexico.
I’m not from Mexico, dude! I’m from Idaho! I’m gonna show this prick how we do things in Boise.
Hello, David! All right, you’ve got your army.
You’ve got your followers.
If you’re such a great leader, tell the city what you want, fat ass! Don’t call me fat, son.
I’m doing this because they’ve… What I want is to be able to lead these fine people with the respect and the dignity… I didn’t ask to be the leader.
I was appointed! I’m extremely important to this town, and I’m not going to be… My journey as this town’s food… You’ve made these people feel unwanted, and now, they look to me for answers.
Now, here I stand, vulnerable, afraid, and yet willing to do what the people of this… And so we said to hell with it! And we took the challenge to go from the town’s food critics to the town’s spiritual leaders.
What do we want? People would say, “You’re just a food blogger.
“You’re just a tiny voice in the crowd.
” Well, now my voice is heard, and I will… … wanted special privileges, but these people think I should have them.
Right, guys? Maybe I don’t deserve special treatment, but how else can I be the elite food critic they want? Every person here thinks this is about them.
I think I know what to do.
Me, too.
And for all your service to this community, we want to once and for all declare you our most elite food critic.
To distinguish you, we present to you the golden badge.
Wearing this badge means you will always get the special treatment that you deserve.
Thank you, Mayor.
It’s a big responsibility, but I suppose I have to accept.
I will do my best to serve this town.
We know you will.
OK, bring in the next one.
Davis, you have proven yourself a leader.
And for all your service to this community, we want to once and for all declare you our most elite food critic.
To distinguish you, we present the golden badge.
Wearing this badge means you will always get the special treatment you deserve.
We got all the restaurants to agree to let the Yelpers in and to make them feel special.
How did you do it, son? Ah, yes.
The steak, please.
I’m the Yelp elite.
All right, we got a Yelper.
Give it that special attention.
You got it! So you’re one of Yelper’s special blessed You demand a restaurant’s very best Well, they’re gonna treat you special I’m telling you, chum Now get yourself ready for some boogers and cum! – Boogers and cum! – That’s called a Yelper special! – Boogers and cum! – Say, what’s that on your pretzel? Your online critiques are real useful to some Now have a good time eating boogers and cum! – Boogers and cum! – Someone farted on your salad – Boogers and cum! – But your decor critiques are valid You think you’re special, like you’re A number one Well, there’s a whole lot of special in boogers and cum! Boogers and cum! How about some feces with your flounder? – Boogers and cum! – Like that queefy quarter-pounder? What’s that spice that feels tangy on my tongue? That’s a yuzu pepper… along with some boogers and cum.
Here you are, sir.
Thank you, David.
That’s good service.
I’ll bring you food every day.
Is that a jalapeño cream sauce? Yes.
My father made it just for you.
It’s tart, but savory.
– Boogers and cum! – Bein’ a food critic’s easy! – Boogers and cum! – Oh, you feel a little queasy? Do you need a diagnosis? Well, the doctor’s got one Your stomach seems to be filled with boogers and cum.
– Boogers and cum! – Piss in your potatoes! – Boogers and cum! – Some guy shit on your tomatoes! All right, fancy food critic, looks like you’ve won Now please enjoy all the… Boogers… Boogers… and cum! Boogers and cum!
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