South Park s19e08 Episode Script

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Who was it? Somebody’s about to get their asses kicked! When I find out who did this… PC Principal is on the warpath! Run for your lives! Again? Oh, Jesus.
Now what? Who was it, huh? Somebody better fess up right now! I’m gonna find out who did this! Broflovski! Was it you? Was what me, sir? I just saw a copy of the school newspaper in which a student used the word “retarded” to refer to our cafeteria lunch policy.
The word retarded does not belong in our school! Who is in charge of the school paper? ’Cause I’m about to break their fucking legs! He’s in charge of the school paper.
You gonna break his legs, PC Principal? All right, I guess we haven’t formally met before.
The reason I need to talk with you, Jason, is because of a very important… It’s Jimmy, actually.
My name is Jimmy, PC Principal.
All right, Jim.
I want to talk to you today about the use of the “R” word in your school paper.
You see, the “R” word is very bad.
– Says who? – Says me, all right? And I know a thing or two about the rights of people with disabilities.
When you use the “R” word to describe the school’s lunch policy, it can hurt people’s hearts.
Can you understand that at all? That was an Op-Ed piece written by a first grader who thought “retarded” was the best word to describe the school lunch policy.
As the editor, I didn’t think it was right to censor the words.
OK, well, from now on, I’m gonna need to approve the school paper before you hand it out, OK? No.
What’d you say? You don’t understand how serious is my job as editor of the school paper.
I don’t allow ads, nor anything that might taint the truth behind what people are thinking.
If people are afraid of words, it stops them from having a dialogue.
Look, I don’t want to get angry, OK? Are you uncomfortable around disabled people? Lots of people are.
No, I’m not! I am very not uncomfortable.
All right, look… Unless I can approve your paper, it is not being distributed on campus.
You got that? I can’t hand out the paper in school? Not unless it is approved by me.
Do you understand? Yep.
Got it.
Don’t forget to read the school paper, now delivered directly to your door! Super School News! What is that, bro? Suck my dick, PC Principal! Who does this kid think he is, challenging me? I said one microaggression to him, OK? One little microaggression, but that doesn’t mean I have an unconscious bias towards people with disabilities! No way, bro.
But why would a person with a disability not see that what I’m trying to do is actually protect them? Sometimes, victims of oppression are so marginalized that they sympathize with their oppressors.
– Yeah, bro.
– You’re right.
This kid just needs to be shown he’s being an Uncle Able.
I can always count on my PC frat brothers to have my back.
Let’s go, PC! PC! This is so great.
Have you ever read the elementary school newspaper, Linda? There’s no ads, no sponsored content, no links to click on, just news stories about what’s happening.
Did you know the police in ShiTpaTown beat up homeless to clear them out? Do you know how long its been since I was able to sit back and read the news? I got so used to getting news off the Internet, but I feel like I’m always trying to chase the news, somehow.
It’s like I’m in a black void trying to reach the news story.
But then the next thing I know, I’m reading and ad for GEICO.
I click out of that and try to read the news story, but it’s not a news story, it’s a slide show, and I’m looking at the worst celebrity plastic-surgery jobs ever.
I want to see the next slide of plastic surgery gone wrong, so I hit the arrow.
But the arrow wasn’t for the next slide, it was to take me for an ad for face cream.
I wanted to get a news story.
I try to click out of it, but the ad is following me.
It’s following me all over the screen! So, I click on the “close” button, but it was another slide show.
I want to know about the Middle East, but instead, I’m looking at the top 10 scariest movies of all time.
And that’s not the arrow for the next slide, it’s for another ad! But this… This is just news.
And I don’t get lost in all the bullshit.
You’ve been trying to get your head around some of the social issues we discussed.
You’re feeling confused and a little unsure.
I’m not confused at all, actually.
– No, you are confused… – You’re the one that’s confused.
You don’t grasp the severity of this.
I’ve brought in another young person with disabilities to share his feelings.
Thanks for coming in, Nathan.
I like apples and bananas.
Me, too, bro.
Nathan, could you tell Jimmy how you feel when people use the word “retarded”? It hurts my feelings because I feel bad.
Are you serious right now? You feel bad.
You feel like that’s a no-no word, right? That word makes my heart piss its pants.
That’s pretty heavy.
Pretty heavy, huh, Jim? Will you ask what he means, or are you just pandering, because you’re uncomfortable around disabled people? I am not uncomfortable! I simply care about a horrible, outdated word that is exclusive, ignores individuality, and equates intellectual disability with being… And it… Spot! I need a spotter! Somebody spot me, bro! And it’s part of a derogatory hate speech which fosters isolation and loneliness, and being part of a voice to stop the “R” word is not only right, but extremely important! I’m afraid of bears.
Hey, Nathan.
Hold up.
What were you doing? What do you mean, Jimmy? Are you mad? Come on, Nathan.
You and I both know you use the word retarded 400 times a day.
Oh, Jimmy.
So righteous, aren’t you? So blind to everything that’s going on.
What? You really think all the changes happening to this town are just coincidence? This goes so much deeper than you can possibly imagine, Jim.
Everyone’s about to learn the truth, and then… there’s a war coming.
A war, Jim.
And I’m just gonna make sure I’m on the right side of it.
Come on, boys.
Let’s get back to class.
I like to smell trees! An elementary school newspaper is making big waves as more and more people say no to news on the Internet.
I read Super School News ’cause it don’t try and fool me, and its news reports aren’t paid for by ad companies.
We just feel like this is actual news, and instead of clicking on links, we’re reading stories.
I had to get away from the ads.
I felt that the ads were evolving, somehow.
They started knowing what I liked, what I was afraid of.
I tried ad blockers, but it seemed like every time I tried to block the ads, they just got smarter.
I’m never going back from Super School News.
The young editor of the paper claims that since most people now watch news reports on the Internet, they’re easily distracted or even fooled by ads, – which are finding more and more… – Brutal celebrity mug shots.
It got me.
Ad got me, Sharon.
We now return live to the 2015 Presidential Debates.
Our next question is for you, Mrs.
Many voters believe that Syrian refugees should not be allowed into our country for security reasons.
What do you think? Keeping our country safe has become more and more difficult, but I believe there are several things… No! You shut the hell up! You’ve got a dumpy butt and seven chins.
Syrian refugees are all terrorists! I know that our government needs to take a harder look at all… It’s pretty hard to look at you.
We can all agree on that.
She looks like a donkey took a shit on her face.
Yeah, good one, Caitlyn.
See, what I know is that there’s only one way to deal with Syrian refugees, and that is… Fuck them all to death! Thank you! That was hilarious when you called her a pizza face.
It’s like a Papa John’s pimple party.
That was classic, Caitlyn.
You’re the best running mate ever.
Hello, Mr.
Oh, my God.
Principal Victoria? Congratulations on the polls.
We need to talk.
Celebrate diversity! Let’s go, PC! All right, everyone.
Listen up.
Tonight’s a very special night for the PCs.
We’re honored to throw this event for people with disabilities.
I’m sick of how these amazing kids are marginalized in today’s society, but tonight is about learning and healing.
So, let’s get to it! PC! Hey, guys.
I’m Brad.
I’m PC Arizona State.
– Nice to meet you, Brad… – Excuse me a second.
Hello, ladies.
Thanks for coming to our event.
We’re tired of the way disabled people get treated.
Can I get you some alcohol? It just bugs me when people refer to persons with disabilities as handicapped.
When I hear that word, I want to fucking punch them in the face.
That’s so cool of you.
Yeah, to be marginalizing persons with disabilities by asking them what their handicap is is no better than asking a person of color if they went to college.
– You’re really progressive.
– No other way to be.
So, listen, I think you’re really pretty and interesting, and I’d like to take you upstairs and totally crush your pussy.
Would that be acceptable to you? I guess it would.
I need affirmative consent.
I’ll need you to say, “You may take me upstairs “and crush my pussy at this time.
” McKenzie, you got consent forms? Oh, yeah.
Right here, bro.
Rise and shine.
If you scored last night, I need your consent forms.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Barker, did you perform cunnilingus? There’s a different release form, bro.
Yeah, sorry.
It’s right here.
– Nice.
– Bro! – Oh, dude! Bro! – What, bro? I scored with this female, and after consenting to fellatio, she wanted me to walk her home.
And when I got to her house, I met her Filipino father.
I asked him about the cultural dynamics of being a Filipino American.
– Naturally.
– So, he talked, then a newspaper lands on his doorstep.
He’s subscribed to this school newspaper.
He picked it up, and I saw the headline! What the fuck is this, bro? That little kid wrote that our fight for social justice is just a way for us to crush puss! – But that’s not true! – We’re being totally victimized! That little fucking dude! Hello.
You’re the boy responsible for the South Park Super School News? That’s right.
We would like to give you $26 million.
Contracts and the first check.
We’d love to be in business with you.
What is this for? I represent an organization called GEICO.
It’s an insurance company.
We think Super School News would be a great way for us to reach new customers.
Sorry, Charlie, but I don’t allow ads in my newspaper.
We’ve heard all about that, so we thought you could just do some… news stories about car insurance.
Just state the facts, because the truth is everyone can save by switching to GEICO.
That’s called “sponsored content.
” I know the difference between the news and ads.
I’m not stupid.
Everyone’s doing it, Jim.
You’re sort of the last holdout.
$26 million just to write some news stories that get people thinking about their insurance coverage? Stick it up your ass.
They said you’d be tough.
Do you really think you can stop ads? Yes.
You can try to block ads, but they get smarter.
The more we try to shut them out, the more clever they get.
There’s a war coming, and I’m gonna make sure I’m on the right side of it.
Officer Barbrady? Come with me if you want to live! Come with me if you want to live! I’m serious! Do you want to explain to me what pussy crushing is? Your little meetings you go to at night to discuss social justice… It’s just a way to pick up on young women? Sharon, most of the guys in my PC club are right out of college, all right? You know how college kids are.
Who wrote this? I don’t want you going over there anymore.
I don’t cheat on you, Sharon.
I’m happy.
Look at what’s happened to our town.
We have ShiTpaTown, boutique restaurants, and artisan shops.
We have a fucking Whole Foods, and that was all me! Diverse people are moving here.
Everyone’s being aware of how they talk.
This is paradise, Sharon! Is it? All I know is that you’ve changed.
Ever since you joined this PC thing, you just bully people and wait for people to say anything improper so that you can jump down their throats for whatever words he or she used.
“He or she” is an agenderphobic microaggression, Sharon.
You are a bigot.
The average human can no longer tell the difference between the news and an ad.
You seem to have some mental ability that allows you to know the difference.
This has to do with me calling the school principal a pussy crusher? The PC people are simply being manipulated, unwittingly setting the table for the new enemy of humanity.
You mean ISIS or ninjas? Something much worse.
Have you ever felt like an ad had intelligence? That it somehow knew what you wanted even before you knew you wanted it? What if I were to tell you that ads have become smarter than us, and now, they’re manipulating everything we do? I’d say that sounds pretty retarded.
It was our own fault.
Mankind became tired of ads, so we kept inventing ways to make things ad-free.
We even created ad blockers.
That’s when the ads had to adapt.
They had to disguise themselves as news in order to survive.
Sponsored content? If you really can tell the difference, then you could be the key to saving our species, Jimmy.
We’d like to run a test on you.
That’s the news.
That’s an ad.
That’s the news.
That’s an ad.
That’s the news.
That’s an ad.
That’s an ad.
That’s the ne… Wait.
That’s an ad for cat food.
My bad.
Jesus Christ.
He’s off the charts.
Increase the intensity.
That’s the news.
That’s an ad.
Slide show.
That’s a perfect score.
You are a very special child, Jimmy.
I prefer “handicapped,” actually.
We have another child here who is special, too.
Do you know Leslie? All right.
That’s good.
Everyone get inside.
Everything past here is safe space.
No reporters, no harassment.
We’re gonna figure this shit out.
All I know is that I don’t speak up for minorities so that I can crush pussy.
Me neither.
I want social justice, and now I’m being made fun of.
They’re taking our incredibly tolerant views and distorting them.
PC people are under attack.
That’s what this is.
Bro, we’re the victims now.
Like, we’re being marginalized.
Like, that makes us pretty cool.
Yeah, I’ll bet now, we can get a lot more puss.
No, Topher! It’s not about puss, all right? What’s wrong with you? We’re labeled as meat heads who just want to crush puss by an intolerant newspaper.
Yeah, fuck that dude, bro.
Yeah, and if you’re gonna belittle and make fun of PC people like that, who’s to say he won’t do it to other marginalized groups like us? I mean, this kid could be the next Hitler.
And if you guys could stop Hitler, what would you do? I’d rip that dude apart and then go home and totally smash some puss, bro.
You look familiar.
Don’t you go to my school? Yes.
I’m Jimmy, editor-in-chief of Super School News.
I’m Leslie.
Nice to finally talk to you.
Did they give you a bunch of tests, too? Yes, the did.
Do you know who they are? I think they’re ex-newsmen.
You know, the men in suits who used to be in charge of the news.
I thought I recognized them.
They told me I was special.
Are you special, too? I prefer handicapped.
I like that.
Principal Victoria, if everything you’ve said is true, then why doesn’t anyone know about it? There are people who know, but they have to stay very hidden.
I’m just having a hard time swallowing all this.
And between me and this one over here, we can swallow just about anything.
God, you’re such an asshole.
Garrison, I wasn’t fired.
I was replaced.
This goes much higher than anyone knows.
I came to this town really thinking I could make a difference.
I’ve been called a bigot towards persons with disabilities.
I’ve been called a pussy crusher, because of the behavior of a very few individuals in my PC frat.
Jimmy Valmer is off the school newspaper.
I want you to take over.
Oh, boy! And I’ll review your paper to make sure nobody is ever attacked the way I was again.
I think this will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Jimmy almost made me lose confidence, but I know who I am.
I know what I am.
Dude! Bro! Oh, bro.
I went online to read a news story about immigrants being discriminated.
I clicked on the headline, but it was an ad for Reddi-wip.
So I clicked on the “X” button to make it go away, but it was a link to another ad, and when I tried to cancel that, another window came up, and it was this.
Dude, what the fuck bro? – What does this mean, dude? – Bro, what the fuck, bro? Do you like our school, Jimmy? Yes, Leslie.
I like our school very much.
I like our school, too.
I like the kids who go there.
I’m starting to wonder something about you, Leslie.
I’m starting to wonder about you.
I mean, you seem like a nice kid, but don’t you feel like you could be happier? – Holy shit.
– What? Can you excuse me for a moment? Well, Jimmy? What do you think? Does she know she’s an ad? He can spot them.
Does she kn-know she’s an ad? What the hell is going on, bro? – Bro? – What the hell is going on? If we’re going back, remember: we don’t know who we can trust.
If they want to mess with my town, I’ll fuck every last one of them.
Let’s do this! Buckle up, buckaroos!
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