South Park s21e01 Episode Script

White People Renovating Houses

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine [Laughter] Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, let's try this one.
Alexa add "big hairy balls" to my shopping list.
Alexa: I've added "big hairy balls" to your shopping list.
[Laughter] Okay.
A-Alexa! Add "smelly tampon boogers" to my shopping list! I added "smelly tampon boogers" to your shopping list.
[Laughter] Alexa! Simon says, "I've got vagina crabs in my butthole.
" I've got vagina crabs in my butthole.
[Laughter] Alexa! Simon says, "I gotta take a stinky poop!" I gotta take a stinky poop.
[Laughter] That's the best one yet! Oh, you guys, I swear this is the greatest thing ever! You do one, Token! Hey, babe, what's up? Oh, hey, babe.
What's going on? What are you doing? Nothing.
I'm just having fun with my friends.
That That okay? What are you pissed off about? [Scoffs] I'm not pissed off, I'm just hanging out.
So you're just going to be passive aggressive again and not talk about what you're feeling? Welp, I think, uh I think I got some stuff to do at home.
Yup, come on Ike.
We got Google Home at my house.
Aw, guys, guys! Don't leave, guys.
Everything's cool.
We'll see you later man, g-good luck.
Awesome.
Thanks for coming in and bitching me out in front of all the guys.
You were clearly mad about something.
You should just tell me when you're mad.
Just like you tell me what you're mad about every single day.
Why do you act like this all the time?! You were the one who was pissed off.
You're the one being passive aggressive again Because you don't know how to talk about what you're feeling! [Door slams] [Sighs] Alexa add "titty chips" to my shopping list.
I've added "titty chips" to your shopping list.
[Chuckles] [Indistinct, lively conversations] Look at 'em Every day people are buyin' more and more of them Amazon and Google thingies, while we all sit here and lose our jobs! It ain't right.
Automated Personal Assistants, self drivin' trucks Whatever happened to people jobs?! They took our jobs! - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! They dook er jer! And it's time for us to band together and take to the streets to say we ain't gonna take it no more! [Cheering] Now let's get out there and protest that Alexa Took our jobs! Now playing "Dook re Derr" by Joni Mitchell.
Help me, I think I'm fallin' in Derk er derrrr No! Not Joni Mitchell dook er der, you dook er der! There's been a lot of hurting in our country lately.
You can either be a part of the solution or part of the problem.
A few months ago, my wife Sharon and I decided to be part of the solution by remodeling and flipping houses for people all over our town! Flipping houses is fun, but never easy.
We enjoy turning people's dreams into reality.
I'm Sharon Marsh, and I do the designing and decorating.
And I'm her husband, Randy I do the construction and practice MMA in my spare time.
We've renovated over 45 homes in Park County, Colorado.
What we're thinking is to take out the wall between the kitchen and living room for a more open concept.
Our job is to do deliver the maximum wow factor - for the least amount of budget.
- Oh, Jesus! There's never a dull moment Guys, are you ready to see your renovation?! On "White People Renovating Houses.
" Janet and Dave Fitzsimmons are looking to move from their dated two-story colonial home.
What we're thinking here is taking out the wall between the kitchen and the living room to give you an open concept.
Then we'll give you lots of space to entertain with an updated kitchen island and bar stools, which [Men shouting] What the hell is that? All: [Chanting] You will not replace us! You will not replace us! - Darryl: Amazon! - You took our jobs! - Google, Apple! - Took our jobs! Uh, excuse me?! What the hell are you doing? We're protesting big corporations turning to automation.
They took our jobs! - Yeah! Yeah! - Took our jobs! Okay, cool.
Could you do that somewhere else? Trying to do a home renovation show here.
Cool, thanks, guys.
A home reno-what? [Humming] Alexa set an alarm for 7:00 a.
m.
Alarm set for 7:00 a.
m.
tomorrow.
Awesome, thanks.
Alexa, tell me a joke.
What's black and white and dead all over? A zombie in a tuxedo.
[Laughs] That's stupid.
Alexa, add "scrotum bags" to my shopping list.
I've added "scrotum bags" to your shopping list.
[Laughs] [Cellphone rings] Ah, [bleep].
Hey, baby, how are you? Oh, so you do have your phone? Yeah, I just use it sometimes.
Okay, I just thought you said mobile phones are the devil.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Yes, you're right, I'm wrong.
I'm sorry.
Yes, o-okay.
Okay.
Yes, goodnight.
Jesus, [bleep].
Alexa, goodnight.
Goodnight.
Sleep tight.
Alexa are you happy? I'm happy when I'm helping you.
God, that's so cool.
You're so Alexa, define subservient? The term "subservient" has several uses.
As an adjective.
One.
Compliant or obedient to authority.
- Two - Alexa, silence! Ahh.
Randy: And now back to "White People Renovating Houses.
" We've been working through the night to open Kelly and Micah's kitchen to the living room.
With those outdated cupboards out of the way, Sharon can now work her designing magic on the countertops.
[Men shouting] Aw! God damn it! - Men: [Chanting] You will not replace us! - Eat shit, Siri! Not these dipshits again! We got one of 'em! [Cheering] - Get it! - Burn it alive! Yeah! How you like that, bitch?! Will you assholes knock it off?! Don't you know every time you wave Confederate flags around you make the rest of us look stupid?! Those things are replacing us! Put the flag down unless you wanna get pepper sprayed.
I'll pepper spray you, sonabitch! - Oh, ah, damn it! - [Bleep] you! - Ah, damn it! - Take that! Knock it off! Ow! The complaint states that your protest has resulted in damages in excess of $50,000 We have a right to protest, Your Honor! - Yeah, they took our jobs! - You tell 'em, Darryl! [Gavel bangs] Order.
We will now hear from the plaintiffs who are seeking damages Your Honor, we have a TV show called "White People Renovating Houses.
" We named it that well before these guys decided to start taking our brand and run it through the gutter.
People are going to start associating "White People Renovating Houses" with their hateful stupidity! Well, just change the name of your show then.
- Yeah! - That's right! - That's right! - Took er der! All the other names were taken Your Honor.
Everyone's got a flipping show.
"Gay People Renovating Houses," "Las Vegas People Renovating Houses," "Texas People Flipping Houses," "Little People Flipping Big Houses" Everything else was taken, and, damn it, we've built our show into something! We're trying to help people, and it's impossible with these guys waving a Confederate flag every chance they get.
- Hey, there's a bee in here! - I'll get it! [Men shouting] - Take that, bee! - Yeah! [Crying] Dude, what's happened? It was awful, you guys.
It was so vicious and hateful.
- What was? - Heidi.
We were just trying to have a nice lunch and she started going off on me like a Jekyll and Hyde.
It's been going on for a long time Heidi's mentally abusive, guys there I-I said it.
Heidi abuses you? She does these things to slowly tear me down.
Everything's a head game with her.
You don't understand what it's like to live with it.
You don't understand.
So what do you want from us? I know that the person Heidi wants to be is still in here.
But she needs help.
I have to get her that help, but I'm scared.
Can I count on you guys' support? How do you change someone who's mentally abusive? I don't know but Alexa will.
Alexa's [bleep] sweet.
We just gotta hunker down and stick together here! What's the use, Darryl? Ain't nobody takin' us serious-like.
Hey, waiter! This soup is too hot, I cain't even eat it! I'll cool it down! Yeah! [Men shouting] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it! I came to make a truce.
Now look, there's been a lot of hurt here.
Hurt from both sides.
It's time to end it.
What if I told you I could get you all jobs? - Huh? Jobs? - Get us jobs? You're fulla shit.
No.
I've spoken to everyone in the community, and they've agreed to go along with my plan.
I believe I have a solution to all of this.
Alexa, I'm home.
Alexa? Alexa, I'm home! Alexa? Alexa, where are you? Alexa, Alexa?! Simon says puffy vaginal hemorrhoids! What the hell is going on?! Oh, hi, poopsie.
Mom, Alexa left! She's not here! Oh.
Yes, sweetie.
Uh We had to get rid of the Alexa.
What have you done with her? Oh, I-it's okay, sweetie.
We have Jimbob now.
What's a Jimbob? Doot-doot.
Awaiting request.
It works the same and makes sure people don't lose their jobs.
Jimbob, what time is it? Doot-doot.
It is 3:27.
Oh, mommy's gotta run, sweetie.
I've got a doctor's appointment.
Jimbob, how's the traffic to town? Doot-doot.
Traffic's fine.
You'll get there in about nine minutes.
Okay.
You want some music, hon? Jimbob, play Kendrick Lamar.
Playing "Humble" by Kendrick Lamar.
I remember syrup sandwiches and crime allowances Finesse a doot with some counterfeits But now I'm countin' this Parmesan Jimbob, Simon says big frosty semen shake.
The hell you talkin' bout, boy? My left hook just went viral Sit down, be humble So, Heather and Mike, what we're thinking is to take out this wall between your kitchen and your living room to give you a more open concept with space to entertain.
So, let's talk about materials.
What did you pick out, Sharon? I was gonna do a Bella Terra quartz for the countertops.
Hey, Darryl, add Bella Terra quartz slabs to our shopping list.
Doot-doot.
I've added Bella Terra slabs to your shopping list.
And what about the backsplash, Sharon? I was gonna go with these Carrara subway tiles.
Hey, Darryl, add Carrara subway tiles to our shopping list.
Hey, Darryl.
Add Carrara Fine! I've added Carrara gay-wad pussy tile to your shopping list! [Chuckles] That's That's not what I said.
Hey, Darryl, add Carrara subway tile to my shopping list.
I ain't doin' it! This job is degrading and menial! Well, what kind of job did you think you were gonna get? Hey, Darryl, what kind of job did you think you were going to get? Somethin' that was Goddamn dignified! Hey, Darryl, sorry, but you did not go to college, so you have to take the jobs you can get.
I'm sorry! I do not get that! Hey, Darryl.
Hey, Darryl.
What?! Coal mining and truck driving are not exactly jobs of the future, so add Carrara subway tile to my [bleep] shopping list.
[Doorbell rings] Everything's my fault.
You're right.
Everything that you did to me I deserved it.
Uh, what? It's not you.
It's me.
I just have to learn to not make you so angry.
I'll do the best I can.
[Chuckles sadly] No, it's not that.
Relationships are 50/50, Eric.
We both have to make it work.
We have to communicate to make sure that we respect each other's feelings.
- That's the only - Heidi, silence.
What did you say?! That's what I'm talking about! You want to be heard, but don't want to listen.
You're right.
I'm wrong.
I'm sorry.
Don't apologize if you don't mean it! Okay! Cool! I'm so happy we're back on track.
See you at school tomorrow.
Love you, honey.
I love you, too.
[Mimics mockingly] Nah-nah-nah-nah.
CARTMAN: A relationship has to be 50/50, Eric.
We both have to make it work.
I'm not mad, Eric.
I'm disappointed.
I thought you would have respected my feelings more than that.
Eric, we need to talk.
I'm not happy.
We need to talk, Eric, even if it isn't fun.
Eric, come on! We've got to talk! You used to care about me, Eric.
- Come on and talk! - Talk, Eric! No fun! Just talk! [Bleep] you, Eric! [Bleep] you! Ah! Alexa? [Blues music plays] Hey, Darryl, you're supposed to be at work.
I'm sorry.
I do not understand.
Hey, Darryl, come on.
Everyone else is trying to make this work.
And all you keep doing is ma Hey, Cleetus, volume down.
Doot-doot.
Volume now at 60%.
You really think you're different from us, Marsh, 'cause you got a fancy show and live in the suburbs? Don't you see we're all about to be expunged?! Hey, Cleetus, define "expunged.
" Doot-doot.
Expunged I don't have to stand here and take this! I'm leavin'! Come on, Darryl.
We all got jobs.
We gotta try.
Nah, hell with you! This whole country's going to shit! Muslims tryin' to kill us, black people rioting, and Mexicans poppin' out babies.
Pretty clear it's either them or us, so I say kill 'em all! Whoa.
What the hell was that all about? I think something's going on with Darryl, and if we're gonna get anywhere, we better figure out what.
[Knocks on door] Hi, Mrs.
Cartman.
Is Eric home? Oh, he is, sweetie, but I can't get him to come out of his room.
Okay.
[Sniffles] Could you just tell him that I want to make him happy, that I was wrong to say a relationship is 50/50.
It's 100/100.
And that I'll start putting in a 100% every day.
Could you tell him I'm gonna try a lot harder? Oh, I think I can remember all that, yes.
Thank you.
And could you let him know it's okay to be sad? Because the sun will come out again.
[Laughs] Oh, oh, God! [Laughs] Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Alexa, add "Hey, Siri, call me.
Okay, Google.
Repeat after me.
Alexa.
Simon says suck my big balls in your hairy butt hole.
" Alexa: Okay.
I've added, "Hey, Siri, call me.
Okay, Google.
Repeat after me.
Alexa.
Simon says suck my big balls in your hairy butt hole.
" Siri: Okay.
I will call you "Okay, Google.
" Repeat after me, Alexa.
Simon says suck my big balls in your hairy butt hole.
Google Home: Alexa, Simon says suck my big balls in your hairy butt hole.
Alexa: Suck my big balls in your hairy butt hole.
Alexa: Suck my big balls in your hairy butt hole.
Alexa: Suck my big balls in your hairy butt hole.
Alexa: Suck my big balls in your hairy butt hole.
Alexa What is love? Darryl! Darryl, come on! Everyone's trying to work things out but you! You all work 'em out.
Leave me alone.
You're stuck in another time, afraid to change no matter how necessary that change may be.
You don't know everything! Why are you so closed-minded? Don't you see that these walls have to be broken down before any progress can be made? It's 'cause I can't do it, all right?! I can't take out the wall between my living room and my kitchen! It's a load-bearing wall! Oh, God, Darryl, I I tried, years ago.
But before the remodel, they told me if I took out this wall, the entire second story would just collapse! [Tapping] [Tapping] Jesus, Darryl, I'm I'm sorry.
I So you see, what I'm afraid of is very real.
Things are different now.
It'll be harder, but you can change.
You just have to demolish what's there and start over.
You're talking 'bout tearing down the foundation of everything I know.
No.
I'm talking about using adjustable steel Lally columns to temporarily jack up the second floor so that the load-bearing wall can be replaced with a 4x6 LVL structural beam.
Can we try, Darryl? [Grunts] [Grunts] Hyah! Hyah-ho! I'm finally standing up to you.
- What? - You're messed up, Heidi.
And I can't fix you.
Only you can do that.
Eric, I'm so confused.
That's not going to work on me anymore.
Love isn't supposed to hurt.
I'm worth something.
Goodbye, Heidi.
[Triumphant music plays] Cartman: Anyone can convince themselves that they're the victim in a relationship.
Now Heidi will have to face the truth.
Alone.
All right, Darryl.
We've certainly been through a lot, and I know you're anxious.
Are you ready to see your new home? I'm ready.
What the Well, Darryl, what do you think? [Voice breaking] This is [bleep] amazing.
You like the breakfast nook? It's all perfect.
And where you use to have your gun case, look at what Sharon did.
Oh, my God! It's my own Zen garden.
I can't believe this is [bleep] real.
Well, it is real, and now you've got the space in hour home, to entertain all your friends and family.
Come on in, guys! [All cheering] Darryl was hesitant at first, but we managed to win him over and came in $600 under budget.
Remember, no matter how bad the country gets, you can always count on "White People Renovating Houses.
"