South Park s21e02 Episode Script

Put It Down

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine All right, everyone.
Listen up.
Today we're going to have a performance by one of our students who has written a song.
The song is about his feelings towards the current political climate with North Korea.
Put your hands together for Tweek.
[Applause] [Piano keys clanging] [Screaming] We're all gonna die! They have nuclear missiles! Aah! Aah! Why are you just sitting there doing nothing?! We have to get out of here! North Korea wants to kill us all and our president keeps making it worse! Why are you all just sitting there?! Why are all acting like nothing's wrong?! North Korea is going to bomb us! We are all dead! We have to do something! Do something! Do something! [Screams] All right, next up we have Hannah Williams with her rendition of "Wheels on the Bus.
" [Crying] The wheels on the bus go round and round Dude, Craig, you've got to get Tweek to get ahold of himself.
He's freaking everybody out at school.
- What am I supposed to do? - He's your boyfriend, dude.
He's not gonna listen to me.
He never does when he's emotional.
Craig, let me tell you about relationships, okay? If you don't have some [bleep] balls, you're not going to get anywhere.
Doesn't matter if they're gay balls or straight balls, if you don't take control of your side of a relationship, - you'll get walked all over - Hey, babe.
How you doing? Oh, hey, baby.
What's going on? - We still on for recess? - Yup, I'll be there.
'Kay, babe.
Love you.
I thought you said you broke up with Heidi.
I decided to give her one more chance.
But you said she was mentally abusive.
She is mentally abusive.
So then why did you take her back? Because she said she was gonna kill herself.
All right, guys? There.
I broke up with her, and she called me, being all like, "I can't live without you.
I'm scared what I'm gonna do to myself.
Oh, God.
" The bitch is crazy.
What am I supposed to do? [Nervously muttering] [Locker door slams] Aah! Tweek.
Dude, come on.
You got to settle down.
I can't settle down! We're all gonna die! We're not all gonna die.
You're overreacting.
Everything's fine, okay? [Cellphone pings] Oh, God! The president just tweeted that North Korea doesn't have the guts to attack us! Why would he say that?! He's making everything worse! - Tweek - But North Koreans are gonna think we all agree with the president! Okay, so how about you write your congressman a letter.
That won't help anything! North Korea wants us dead! Okay, so write a letter to the North Koreans.
I can't write in Korean and they all think we're war-hungry anyway! Okay, well, then why don't you just send something nice to the North Koreans.
[Groans] It'll make you feel better, babe.
- Send something like what?! - I dunno, like, make them some croissants or something.
I don't know how to make croissants! Well, what do you know how to make? Mm cupcakes! All right, go home and make some cupcakes, honey.
Okay! - Hey, Stan? - Yeah? Can I talk to you about Eric? Cartman? Okay I just wanna make sure he's all right.
What do you mean? I don't even know if I should be saying this but Eric said he was thinking about killing himself.
What? We broke up, and he called saying he was about to do it.
I'm still really scared for him.
Wait, Cartman said he was gonna kill himself? I'll send you the voice-mail if you promise to keep it private.
Totally.
[Laughter] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Cartman: You have to take me back! You have to! I'm gonna kill myself, Heidi! [Laughter] I'll kill myself, and then you'll be sorry! You'll wish you could have me back, but I'll be dead! [Laughter] Please, Heidi! Please! Okay, okay.
Really cool listening to people's private voicemails.
You sound like a dying pig.
[Laughter] That's great! I'm glad you guys think suicide is so funny! [Laughter] [Knocking] Entrée.
Yes, Eric.
How can I help you? I don't think kids at this school take suicide seriously enough and we need to raise awareness.
Well, unfortunately this week is Distracted Driving Awareness Week at school, so you might have a hard time.
Distracted driving? Who gives a shit about that? A lot of people.
There's more deaths now because of people on their phones while driving than ever before.
PC Principal, someone's life is at stake.
If I have to compete with distracted driving, then that's what I'll do.
[Nervous jittering] Huh? Oh! A young homosexual boy known only as Tweek has touched the hearts of many by sending cupcakes to the North Korean government.
The little rascal apparently made a dent with the North Korean dictator, who is said to have loved the cupcakes so much that he is started to make his own Oh! Ahh.
[Cellphone pings] Huh?! "U.
S.
President responds to cupcakes" The human interest cupcake story has apparently be heard by the president.
Just moments ago, the president tweeted, "I know that kid Tweek.
He's [bleep] with you, North Korea.
Get a clue.
I'll bet he took a dump in the batter.
" [Screams] What?! Why would he say that?! Tweek, calm down.
The president! He tweeted about me! Why would he do that?! Did you see that?! Yes, I did see that.
So I went and got you something to make things better.
- What?! - It's a fidget spinner.
It's supposed to help with anxiety.
See? A fidget spinner?! Did you read what the president tweeted?! [Cellphone pings] Woman: The president of the United States just tweeted again, this time saying "I hope all children of America will stand with Tweek in saying, 'Go ahead and bomb us, Kim Jong Dong, we [bleep] dare you!'" [Screams] Hey, guys.
Take a minute to read about distracted driving? Talk to all the grownups you know about staying off their mobile devices when they get behind the wheel.
Hey, guys Got a second to help stop distracted driving? - Thanks.
- Hey, guys - [Music playing over intercom] Cartman: Hey, guys, let's a take a minute and talk about suicide prevention.
There's probably someone right now at this school thinking about killing himself, and it's not funny.
You better take it serious or he might actually do it.
I've been feelin' sad, I've been bein' sad Can't talk to my mom, don't even have a dad I can't go on, what is living for? My heart screams "I don't wanna live no more" Eric, we don't want you to die Eric, give life a try Eric, we don't want you to die Eric, oh, God, no, Eric [Echoing] I don't wanna live no more! But Eric, we don't want you die You're so cool, we'd be sad at school Yeah, but you guys, you don't understand With my girlfriend, it's like I'm living in quicksand Conflicting thoughts, I need a battered wives' shelter My girlfriend is messed up, but all I wanna do is help her I'm suffocating, I'm drowning in sorrow Gonna kill myself prob'ly around 2:30 tomorrow But, Eric, we don't want you to die - Eric, give life a try - Everybody! Eric, we don't want you to die - Eric, oh, God, no, Eric - But it's so hard! Eric, we don't want you to die Only you guys can make a difference.
I don't care if you're black, white, gay, straight or trans, I am going to kill myself unless you all start taking it seriously.
Eric, please don't die Distracted driving my asshole.
[Nervous jittering] Hey, Tweek.
How's it going with the fidget spinner? - Great! - You seem a lot less anxious.
Things are finally turning around for my little homosexual son.
[Loud blast in distance] - What is that?! - I'm not sure.
Aah! Aah! [Screams] Man: Yet no agreement has been reached between the parties involved.
Breaking news now out of Colorado, where the North Koreans appear to have fired a missile over Tweek's house.
[Screams] Tweek, of course, the young boy who got the attention of Kim Jong Un last week.
The news media in North Korea is calling the missile test a victory for its people.
[Speaking in Korean] Translator: Today the great country of North Korea has proven its determination and fortitude by successfully firing a missile over Tweek's house.
- Perhaps now Tweek - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Why's this happening to me?! They have to know this isn't my fault! In response to the North Korean test, the president of the United States has just tweeted this statement "You really think Tweek is scared? Tweek will single handedly go to North Korea and [bleep] all you slanty eyed bitches doggy style.
What?! Why would he say that?! Man: The president also tweeted "If you even think Tweek is worried about a bunch of dipshit poor ass third world rice pickers, think again.
" Oh, my God! What is he doing?! - Tweek, Tweek.
Calm down! - Why won't he just stop?! Why? Tweek! Tweek, h-here's your fidget spinner! Why does he keep making it worse?! Your fidget spinner, Tweek! Come on, son! Aah! Focus on the fidget spinner.
Oh, geez, looks like North Korea launched another missile.
Oh, really, like another test? Where are you looking? I'm on Drudge.
You see what the president tweeted about it? - No, what'd he say? - The president tweeted "North Korea is the butthole of Asia and Innocent child! Aah! [Tires screech] Aah! [Glass shatters, body thuds in slow motion] [Splattering] [Crying] I know.
I know, it's so sad.
Well, how nice.
That's a little more like it.
Well, guys, what happened? Change of heart? Yeah, you didn't hear? Gary Borkovec got ran over by a distracted driver.
What?! Gary Borkovec? Is he dead? Yeah, dude, he's dead.
Oh, that son of a bitch.
I'm gonna talk to the principal! Put down the candle, Kenny! Like you ever gave a shit about Gary Borkovec! [Knocking] Entrée vous.
PC Principal, I'm trying to raise suicide awareness, but everyone's preoccupied with this "don't be on your phone when driving" crap.
Gary Borkovec was a good student.
He didn't deserve to be taken away by someone not paying attention to the road.
Yes, but Gary Borkovec is already dead.
There's nothing we can do for him.
Students need to focus on people thinking about dying.
I don't know what more you want from me, bro.
I can't just get people to care with a stupid rap song.
I need a full orchestra Woodwinds, strings I need black people in white robes, white people in black robes, and a thousand doves to release into the air.
I can give you two student volunteers and one pigeon.
Do you have any idea how serious this is? As someone who deals with suicidal thoughts, I cannot believe the lack of concern at this school! Maybe I should just take the awareness of my suicide out to the public on the streets! Maybe you should.
Maybe I will! - Maybe you should.
- Maybe I will! [Screams] Ugh.
[Sighs] Hey, Tweek.
Look at what the president tweeted now! What time is it, dude? Just read it! "North Korea doesn't have the balls to attack Tweek.
They have little tiny rice balls.
" They're gonna get me, Craig! Look at what's on CNN! And the President's tweets have certainly caught the attention of North Korea, who have been spending the past several days viewing possible targets for a nuclear strike if war were to break out [Screams] What am I gonna do?! You gotta calm down.
How am I supposed to calm down?! North Korea is gonna get me! They're gonna get me! Tweek.
Tweek.
Tweek.
Let's think this through logically.
North Korea isn't going to attack anyone, okay? They're not going to start a war they can't win.
Okay? - But, Craig, I - Tweek.
You have to stop thinking about it.
Tell you what, we're gonna go somewhere fun and make you feel better.
[Bell dings] Give a minute of your time for suicide awareness? Suicide is serious.
Help tell people like Kyle it's not a joke.
Hey, good for you guys, trying to help.
Yeah, make sure everyone you know gets involved or else I'm gonna do it.
We're getting a lot of attention, Eric.
Our website's already full of kids saying they feel the same way as you and want to get help.
They want to get help? For what? For wanting to take their own lives.
No, this is about me killing myself.
But, babe, there's a lot of kids who feel the same way you do.
They're full of shit, Heidi.
They're just trying to get attention.
What, are you actually talking online to these asswipes?! I thought this was about raising awareness and helping people.
So you're just gonna e-mail with every every guy who has a dick and a deathwish? Are we just your type? - Eric, come on.
- No, look, Heidi.
I'm sorry, but you're the one who started all this by telling everybody that I was suicidal.
Okay? Now I'm under a lot of pressure to do it.
So the only option I have is to make sure that suicide prevention becomes this entire town's number-one priority! Oh, God, did you see what the President said about Asians now? Look out! [Screams] Oh, are you freakin' serious? [Riders scream in distance] Okay, babe, what do you wanna ride first? Ugh! What are we doing here, Craig? We're gonna get your mind off politics and have some fun.
Now, what's your favorite ride? The Ferris wheel! [Laughs] Isn't this lovely, Tweek? Just look at that view.
[Cellphone chimes] [Gasps] Oh, God! Another tweet from the president! Oh, come on.
"Why would the U.
S.
be scared of North Korea? Tweek is so not scared he's at an amusement park in Denver right now.
" [Gasps] Jesus Christ! We gotta get outta here! Tweek! Tweek, use your brain.
North Korea isn't going to attack an amusement park.
You're safer here than anywhere.
Oh, geez.
The president just called Kim Jong-un a fat midget.
Oh, and now North Korea is saying that they're gonna Dad, look out! Oh, shit! [Woman screams] [Screams] Ride attendant: All right, everyone, please wait for your bumper cars to come to a complete stop.
We hope you enjoyed Crazy Cars Mommy, look out! [Screams] Oh, my God, what is that?! What is that?! It's probably nothing.
Everything's fine.
Will you please stop saying that?! I can't take it! I'm trying to make you feel better.
Well, maybe I don't wanna feel better right now! Okay, but think about that.
That actually doesn't make any sense.
Why do you have to be so logical?! I don't need you to problem-solve all the time, I need you to Agh! I don't know! Tweek, honey, all week, you've been freaking out, and I've been the one forced to deal with it.
You haven't been dealing with it, you've been trying to make it go away because my emotions are freaking you out! [People scream] Tweek, North Korea isn't bombing anyone.
They would lose the support of China, - and that would be - There you go again! Stop preaching facts to me! It's not what I need! Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control of my goddamn emotions, ya baby! Oh, see, now you made me lose control of my emotions.
God damn it.
[Grumbling] [Screams] Hey Craig, how come Tweek's not at school? How should I know? Uh-oh.
Trouble in paradise? Look guys, Tweek doesn't want help, okay? He just wants to overreact.
Henry: Hey, guys, could we have your attention? Tomorrow night, we'll be having a memorial service for all the students we've lost to distracted driving.
We hope you can all bring your families.
Cool, yeah.
Hey, guys, and there's also gonna be a suicide awareness pot luck at 7:30 tomorrow night in the school gymnasium.
We're gonna have lots of games and face painting, and what are you guys gonna have? We're gonna have some guest speakers and also provide grievance counselors for those who need it.
Yeah, grievance counseling That sounds super fun.
Listen, guys, there's a very real chance I might actually do it right in front of everyone tomorrow, so you don't want to miss it.
Suicide prevention pot luck, everybody.
Eric, you need to stop.
What they're doing is important.
They're doing a memorial service with speeches and crying.
What's that gonna solve? It's not about problem solving, Eric.
It's about people getting together and feeling what they need to feel! People need help sorting out their emotions sometimes.
And the best thing isn't always quick answers, But just being there, supporting each other And talking through those feelings.
You are so up and down.
I don't know what you want from me, Heidi! Come on.
There has to be a way We can all work together, here.
So, now you're on their side! Oh, my God, I'm seriously gonna do it right now! Eric! [Door opens] Tweek! What's going on? What? What do you mean what's going on?! The same shit that's been going on! Nothing's gotten any better?! Oh, my God, how does that make you feel? I feel scared! I feel alone! That must be horrible to feel that way! It must be hard for you to even think! It is! It's terrible! I bet it's terrible! What else are you feeling? Like I have no control over my life.
Like I'm just a pawn in a big game.
Oh, that's a terrifying thought.
You must feel trapped.
Yeah, like, trapped, But, like, completely unable to even move.
Jesus! It's like there's no solution to any of this! What are you gonna do? What can you do? I don't know.
It's It's like maybe Maybe I have to find a way to feel a little in charge of me again.
That sounds so insurmountable, though.
How would you even start? I don't know, but I-I gotta do something about this.
There's gotta be a way I can Thank you, Craig.
I've got it.
People aren't focused on the right thing.
I know what I should do.
All right, everyone, listen up.
Tonight, one of our students has put together a song about a very important issue.
It's a song about how there are certain times to not be on your phone.
I hope you all listen carefully.
[Somber piano music plays] People are dying The fault is our own You can do lots of damage When you're on your phone We all have to agree To change it somehow Let's all make a pledge to end it right now Put it down Don't be on your phone While being President Put it down You might do something dumb And cause an accident Let all agree here today That if we're leader of the USA We'll put it down If at any point today, you're being a president, put down your mobile device.
Put it down If I'm on the phone, I will not get behind the desk of an oval office.
Put it down I'll take the pledge! I'll take the pledge! And I'll take the pledge.
No one cares What's that? I was just elected president? Well, then, goodbye! Put it down if you're President today If you find yourself being President today Hey Brian, look! I was just elected President.
That's great, Nancy.
Now, put down your phone.
Right! Ah, ah, ah, ah-ah-ah, put it down [Rapping] Give a standing ovation for suicide in our nation Or I will rip my own guts out without one hesitation Dedication, that's what it's taken To waken people to care And still my future's so hazy My girlfriend's making me crazy But still I'm working so hard You know, just trying to hold on Cuz I know that you don't miss me so much if I was gone And all the voices start solo But every day, I hear them grow Saying, Eric, don't do it Don't do it, nooooo Put it down Don't be on your phone while being president Put it down You might do something dumb and cause an accident We all agree here today That if we're leader of the USA We'll put it down Put it down I'm not gonna do it, you guys! It worked! I'm not gonna do it!