South Park s21e03 Episode Script

Holiday Special

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind I like fucking silly bitches cause I know my penis likes it! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine [Children yelling] [Clattering] [Yelling continues] This is an outrage! This a violation of our human rights! Dude, what the hell is going on? You didn't hear the announcement? They just canceled Columbus Day.
We have to come to school on Monday! They what?! They can't do this! We made plans! Some asshole went and convinced the school board that Columbus Day is racist and should be eliminated.
You can't take away a day off.
We're just innocent children! Dude.
What asshole would take away a holiday? My name is Peter Galtman.
I am the head of the school calendar committee.
I have decided the school will not celebrate Columbus Day this year.
I realize this is a hot-button issue for many families, but one parent in particular has really swayed my opinion with his passion Mr.
Randy Marsh.
Mr.
Marsh pointed out to me the hypocrisy of glorifying a genocidal murderer.
And Mr.
Marsh is, right now, also working on having the Columbus statue taken down in Canyon City.
Come on, everybody! Let's take this [bleep] thing down! Yeah!! Yeah! Take it down! Columbus was a mass murderer! [Chanting]Tear it down! Tear it down! Yeah! [Grunting] Okay, it's not working.
[Grunts] We almost got it, guys! Come on! Throw the rope, Stan! Good.
That's good! Okay, hit the gas, Nelson! We got it, everybody! To hell with you, Columbus, you Whoa, whoa, whoa! [Crashes] [Cellphone rings] Hey, dude.
Dude, did you know it's your dad who's getting the school to cancel Columbus Day? Yeah.
Dude, I don't know what's going on.
He's really serious about this.
Well, you got to do something.
If you get him to back down, maybe the school will reconsider.
I can't get him to back down.
Stan, I have to deal with my mom doing shit like this all the time, but she's never tried to take away a holiday.
I'm your best friend, but I can't have your back when the guys find out about this.
I'll try, okay? [Door closes] I got to go.
Okay, Stan.
You got your phone? We need to call everyone on this list.
They all live in the same city.
Dad, listen, you need to ease off a little here, okay? Stan, it's not right that people celebrate a man who wiped out millions of people for his own glory.
Let's go.
Hello, is this, uh, Howard Peterson? You live in Columbus, Ohio.
Is that correct? Yeah? You racist piece of shit.
You heard me.
You're an intolerant pig.
Oh, you're not? You just choose to live in a city named for ethnic cleansing? No [bleep] you.
Rename your city, asshole.
Hello? Okay, next one.
Come on.
Get calling, Stan.
Dad, come on.
We all get your point, but don't you think you're overdoing it? You have to overdo it in today's society, Stan.
You can't be nuanced and subtle anymore or else critics go, "Wow, what was the point of that?" Hi, Francis Melman? Hey! How are you, you [bleep] racist? Reporter: Christopher Columbus Explorer, pioneer.
Is he someone who should be appreciated? Or was he just a douche? For years.
Columbus Circle has been a landmark and photogenic intersection in New York City.
So it came as a surprise when someone defecated on the statue earlier today.
I'm joined now by the man who did the actual defecating, Mr.
Randy Marsh of South Park, Colorado.
Good evening! Mr.
Marsh, you took a dump on the beloved statue that has been an icon here in the city for years.
What was your reasoning? Well, I just have a problem with the racist people of this city.
"Yee-haw! I'm from New York.
I drive around a big circle that celebrates a guy who murdered Native Americans.
Shoo wee!" So, you're doing this because of indigenous peoples and their feelings? I don't care if people get indigenous.
I'll crap all over their statues.
I'm the one who's indigenous that this landmark even exists! Uh, uh Ba-back to you, Tom.
[Sniffles] It ain't right.
They make you work like a dog and then just tear away your one day off in October like you're a piece of trash.
Hey, guys.
Boo! Boo! Nobody likes you, Stan.
Look, I tried talking to him, all right? He's just really against all the things Columbus did.
Does anybody know what Columbus actually did? Yeah.
In 1492, Columbus got us a day off school.
That's what matters.
No.
No, wait, guys.
Maybe that's it.
When I'm dealing with my mom, sometimes it works to be on her side for a minute.
Maybe we should find out all the things people find offensive about Columbus and And then totally act like we care.
I like it, Kyle.
I'll just look up "Columbus, offensive, inflammatory" Yeah, this is sweet.
It's like that movie where the dude pretended to be on the monster's side.
You know, with the guy and the chick that had the wife beater on, but her boobs were sweaty so you could see them.
Oh, I love that movie! Yeah, this is a lot like that.
What'd you find, Kyle? Nothing.
Dang it! There's nothing? Stan, can I talk to you for a minute? What? What? What the hell was that? Hey, Dad? Not now, Stan.
I'm working on a proposal to change British Colombia to just British.
But, Dad, Kyle found a picture on Instagram.
It pretty much looks like you dressed as Columbus at a Halloween party.
Where did you get that? If you hate Columbus so much, why'd you dress up like him? Look, that was a long time ago.
Okay? Just a dumb Halloween costume.
Yeah, but here's you dressed as Columbus at a formal dinner, and here's you dressed as Columbus at a football game.
And you as Columbus on St.
Patrick's day.
Look, I was younger! We were all younger.
It was another time.
You have to understand, it was 2013.
Everyone was stoked on Columbus back then.
Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to be really stoked on Columbus.
If you guys found those pictures online, it's only a matter of time before everyone else does.
People won't care about what I do now.
They'll just see me as a thoughtless, indigenous son of a bitch.
Randy, do you mind cleaning out the garage like I asked? What's the point, Sharon? Soon they're gonna be coming after me.
Ugh.
Announcer: Hey, you! That's right, you! Wouldn't you like to know the story of you? What makes you, you? DNAandMe is a genetic service that can help you find out exactly who your ancestors were.
You might be surprised.
I thought I was just a standard white guy.
But DNAandMe showed that I'm actually 4.
2% Cherokee Indian.
Turns out I'm not totally white.
I'm also part Northern Asian, and even some Kurdish! I'm a victim of oppression! I used to get in trouble for always using the "N" word.
But with DNAandMe, I found out that I'm 2.
1% black! Morning, Steve.
'Sup, nigga.
Announcer: The test is easy.
Simply swab the inside of your mouth and send it in to our labs.
People made fun of me for being French.
DNAandMe showed I was 8% Navajo.
Nobody's making fun of me now, or my people, who were victims.
I'm 13% victim! I'm 21% victim.
Announcer: Order now and find out if your friends should be more sympathetic towards you.
DNAandMe.
Are you in? Hell [bleep] yes, I'm in.
[Indistinct chatter] [Chatter continues] All right.
Everyone's here.
Let's do this.
Here you go, just like I said.
$100 cash.
No questions asked.
Are we good? Good.
No talking.
Perfect.
Okay.
Let's get this over with.
Thank you.
Do not talk of this to anyone.
All right, everybody! Hey, thanks for coming.
If, uh, I can have your attention, please, I think we're ready to get started.
Uh, Mr.
Marsh, you know none of this was really necessary.
For DNAandMe testing, you can just swab the inside of your mouth yourself and send it in the mail.
Yeah, I know, but I just I was really excited about it, wanted everyone to witness my test.
Well, to each their own, I suppose.
All right.
Open wide.
Ahh Okay.
I'll get this back to the lab and get the results to you as soon as possible.
Okay, great.
I'm very interested to see what those results have to say.
[Telephone rings] Galtman residence.
[Distorted] Listen to me carefully.
The man who convinced you to cancel Columbus Day is a fraud.
Who is this? You will go online and search Instagram for images of Randy Marsh.
I most certainly will not.
Randy Marsh is a hypocrite and a fake.
You will be taken down with him when he is exposed.
What's he saying? Shh! Mprphph mhprphm! We know where you live, and we know how to make you suffer.
Now you listen here, Mr.
Man.
The Galtmans do not believe in social media or the Internet.
- It's all fake news.
- Fake news.
Then speak with Marsh yourself.
The truth is out there.
Mrph.
Rm rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm.
Hmmm.
Sounds like maybe the Galtmans need to check out Randy Marsh.
Shelley, we've got an emergency! We're getting rid of all the Columbus stuff in this house! Any Columbus costumes, Columbus pictures They all got to go! I don't give a shit about Columbus.
Sharon, Peter Galtman called.
He sounds suspicious.
We got to get rid of all our Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups.
Where are they? Your Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups are in that cupboard.
Shot glasses, coffee cups, towels, plates What about the Columbus figurine salt and pepper shakers? I don't know where you put them, Randy.
Sharon, do you know what they'll do to us when they find out how stoked we were on Columbus? You were stoked on Columbus, Randy.
Not me.
Oh, really?! Did you forget our wedding?! That's you right there, standing there with a big smile on your face.
You didn't say anything about it being insensitive then, did you? I actually was a little upset that you dressed up as Columbus for our wedding, - but I decided - Oh, now! You say that now, 'cause everyone's freaking out.
But you were right there, going along with it! They're gonna be coming after you, too, Sharon! So you can just wipe that indigenous look off your face.
[Doorbell rings] Oh! That could be my DNA results! Here, take this stuff out back! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I've never felt so alive until now.
Thank you.
LoLovely flowers.
Thank you.
[Telephone rings] Galtman residence.
[Distorted] Listen carefully if you want to live.
You will make this Monday a school holiday.
I spoke with Mr.
Marsh, and he denied any wrong doing.
Of course he did! That's what liars do! I don't think you're being intimidating enough.
- Yeah, get meaner, Kenny.
- Meaner like how, dude? CARTMAN: [Distorted] I don't know, like like maybe say Like talk about cutting off his dick or something.
We're gonna cut off your dick! Kyle: [Distorted] No, dude.
That's too far.
Okay, okay, just say we're gonna cut off part of his dick.
Just give me the phone.
- Hello? - What? Randy Marsh is about to pay for what he's done.
Protect him and you will pay, too.
Time is running out.
[Normal voice] Jesus! Sharon, have you seen my Columbus staff and orb? I have not.
Sharon, Galtman called again.
Somebody is out there trying to get me in trouble.
Randy, why don't you just admit to people that maybe you were somewhat overly excited about Columbus in the past.
Everyone was excited about Columbus! For some reason, people are just pointing fingers at me.
Just because he's suddenly not cool now doesn't mean I'm gonna be the F'ing scapegoat! I got to burn this stuff.
Oh, God damn it.
I wrote you a song to express my feelings for you.
Will you get out of here?! [Vocalizing] And then he kissed me I didn't kiss you 'cause I like you.
[Vocalizing] And then he kissed me Okay, okay.
[Vocalizing] And the sun began to shine That's it.
Get off my property! Randy, I cannot quit you.
Get off my land, you piece of shit! Don't post that.
Do not post that.
Shit! Guys, what are you doing? It's over, Eric.
We have to come to school on Monday.
Just face it.
I'm not facing anything.
We still have time.
There has to be a way we can Dude, there's nothing we can do, all right? Oh, okay.
I see.
Is that what Columbus did? Just give up? On his dream? No.
Columbus believed that kids should have a day off school.
And even when his own country wouldn't support his cause, Columbus said, "Fine.
I'll go find a new land where kids can have that day off.
" Eric, just let it go.
And when Columbus sailed to distant places only to find people already there who said, "No! Stay off our land! We want our kids to have to go to school!" He said, "No! It's just one day in October.
They need a break!" You guys can all give up, but I'm not.
Because in 1492, Columbus got us all a day off school.
With just three ships, he sailed over so we could have some 'me time' in October.
And, yes, millions were slaughtered and throats were cut.
But if we don't get that day off school, then for what? Come on, guys.
There's something else we can try.
[Urinating] - Sharon, good news! - What?! The people from the DNA test called! They're on their way over.
You want to come down? I'm doing something.
You sure? These results could be really interesting.
Oh, God damn it! What the hell do you want? I want you to stop running from yourself.
We could be so happy.
[Doorbell rings] Crap, it's them! Just a second! Be right there! Thanks! Get over here! I don't have any feelings for you.
Do you understand? But, Randy, what about the No! No buts! There's nothing here.
I'm not in love with you, got it?! Yes.
Yes, I understand.
Good.
Now leave.
Hi.
Sorry.
You guys have my results? Well, Mr.
Marsh, we came because there was an irregularity with your test.
What, you found something there you didn't expect to find? What is it? Well, it's just a little too odd.
We need to do the test again.
Do it again? That's not fair.
Mr.
Marsh, please, if we could just have one more sample.
We want to be absolutely sure of what we found.
Uh okay, no problem.
Give me Give me one sec.
I'll be right back.
Wait! Wait! Okay.
Okay.
All set.
Let's do this.
Ahh! Mr.
Marsh, we were hoping to do a more precise test.
It's better for harder cases like this, but it is an anal swab this time.
An anal swab? Give me.
.
Tw three minutes.
[Whispering] Hey, where'd you go? Mr.
Marsh, we're in a bit of a hurry if you don't mind.
[Normal voice] Oh.
Oh, shit.
All right, it's clear.
Bring him in.
Move your ass, Galtman! This is a violation of my rights.
Just shut up and watch what someone posted on their Instagram! I most certainly will not! If you want me to look at the Internet, I will die first.
It's fake news.
That's why we had it transferred to VHS.
Oh.
VHS is fine.
Take off his blindfold.
Get off my land, you piece of shit! Don't post that.
Hmm.
Oh, Mr.
Marsh.
Oh, hey! How are you? Good.
What are you up to? Chillin', chillin'.
Well, uh, we did get your DNA results back this morning.
Would you like to go over them? Oh, you did? Oh, great.
Sure.
Why not? I'm here.
Let's, uh Let's do that.
Man: All right, Mr.
Marsh, here's your DNAandMe portfolio.
This shows that we actually found a mix of a few things in your regional ancestry.
Really? Like Native American?! Like Like a little bit?! No, we didn't find any trace of any Native American DNA in your test Nuts.
But as you can see here, we found that you're about 43% Northern European, 37% Mediterranean, and 18% Southwest Asian.
In fact, your genetic profile most closely matches your standard Caucasian British person.
[Sighs] And you might be interested to know that you are actually 2.
8 % Neanderthal, which is fairly high.
Neanderthal? What the hell is that about? Well, the Neanderthals were actually a species that was wiped out by homo sapiens.
Wiped out all of my people? Yes, but you see, because of some cross breeding, some people like you still possess Neanderthal DNA.
Isn't that interesting? Cross breeding? You mean rape.
You're telling me that my ancestors were raped and then eradicated by you - You maniacs?! The Earth wasn't big enough for Neanderthals, So your ancestors just got rid of them, huh?! Well, to hell with all of you! Well, well.
Mr.
Marsh.
I'd like to have a word, please.
You find this funny, Galtman?! What'd I do? Nobody had the guts to tell me what happened to my people, huh? Get the hell out of here! I brought my parents over so you could meet them.
Oh, God! Don't worry.
My parents are very okay and cool with us.
Who the hell is that? Yeah, sure, everyone gang up on the Neanderthal! Isn't it funny?! Randy, you must face who you are.
Stop pretending, Randy.
For once, just allow yourself to feel.
[Sighs] You're right.
You're right.
It's only now, when everyone's being so indigenous to me, That I realize how indigenous I've been acting all along.
I thought being a victim would solve all my problems.
But being a victim has a downside, too.
Mr.
Galtman, I haven't been honest.
It's time for us all to be honest.
What is a holiday? It's a day off work, yes, a day off school.
But holidays are also meant to be a time to reflect.
Today, I'm happy to announce that the school calendar committee is reinstating the day off.
[Cheers and applause] But instead of glorifying anyone, let us make it a holiday about the negative feelings that we all sometimes feel, say what we're really thinking so we can move on.
And so, the second Monday of October will still be a holiday.
But instead of Columbus Day, it will be for ripping on each other and tearing each other down, and we will call it Indigenous Peoples Day.
For, perhaps, if we all do it at the same time, we won't be so indigenous the rest of the year.
And since this is the second Monday of October, let's all embrace the new meaning of the holiday starting right now.
Do you even know what indigenous means, you frickin' idiot? That's the spirit, Dave! Come on! Everybody, let's just all be totally indigenous! Come on! Who the hell let this guy talk to the school counsel? Good one, Kurt.
Your wife's a whore.
Come on, everyone! Indigenous Peoples Day! Let's go for it! Woman: Shut up, and get off the podium! Okay.
I will in a second, fatso.
All right.
Who else? Come on! Get it out of your system! Happy Indigenous Peoples Day, everyone.
Suck my asshole.