South Park s21e04 Episode Script

Franchise Prequel

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind I like fucking silly bitches cause I know my penis likes it! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine [Whoosh! Zap!] What on Earth was that?! JIMMY: My name is Jimmy Valmer.
[Whoosh! Zap!] And I am very f-f-fast.
When I was born, my parents knew I was different.
I'm sorry, Mr.
and Mrs.
Valmer.
Your newborn son will never be able to walk.
But he will be extremely good at comedy.
[Cries] Wow! What a t-t-terrific audience.
[Cries] As I got older, my powers only increased.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? WOMAN: [Screams] Help! [Whoosh! Zap!] [Whoosh! Zap!] Nacho Cheese.
[Laughter] And now I look for others like me to fight crime as part of a superhero team.
I am Fa-Fa-Fastpass.
[Claps] Okay, okay, thank you, Fastpass.
I like it.
What do you guys think? We definitely don't have anyone with super-human speed in our franchise.
Fastpass, what makes you feel qualified to be part of our cinematic universe? Well, besides being super f-f-fast, I also have a good attitude and flexibility with my schedule on weekends.
Fastpass, welcome to Coon and Friends.
You are about to make a shit load of money.
CARTMAN: All right, superheroes, it's time to layout our plan of action.
As you can see, I have divided the franchise plan into three phases.
Phase one begins with "The Coon" Netflix series and goes through the "Coon and Friends United" movie where we introduce Tool Shed and the Human Kite.
In phase two, we do "Coon vs.
Fastpass," followed by an origin movie about Mosquito.
Bzzzzzt! Oh, boy! I get my own origin movie?! - Bzzztzt! - That's right.
It's in Phase two that we will finally introduce Tupperware, our black superhero, like an ace in the hole.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait.
How come we gotta start off with a Netflix series? Can't we just go right into movies? Netflix is starving for new shows right now, Toolshed.
They will literally buy anything people pitch them.
We need to strike while the iron is hot.
Later, in phase three, we can finally get to Civil War, where we will all [Alarm blares] What is it?! Incoming Facetime call from SuperCraig! CARTMAN: On screen! You guys, we have a big problem.
What is it, SuperCraig? Somebody is messing with our Facebook page.
They're spreading all these lies and saying we like, burn the American flag and pee in each other's mouths.
Spreading lies how? Take a look.
Someone is systematically targeting our Facebook followers and feeding them misinformation.
Who would deliberately use Facebook in such a horribly reckless way? [Thunder crashes] [Keyboard clacking] [Chuckles] [Laughs evilly] Butters, you're not looking at boobies again, are you? No, Dad, I'm not looking at boobies.
[Laughs evilly] [Bell rings] Butters.
Oh, hey, fellas! Butters, are you using Facebook to [bleep] with our superhero franchise? Umm Nope.
Butters.
Butters! Yes, fellas? Dude, listen, we don't have time for this.
Right now, Netflix is buying any show that people pitch them.
We have a real shot at starting our franchise, and you are a part of that franchise plan, okay? We have movies planned for the bad guy! You mean like "Suicide Squad"? Yes! "Suicide Squad" sucked.
Butters! Butters, you can't just make stuff up about us.
People are thinking it's true.
Look, fellas, you have a right to be on Facebook, and I have a right to be on Facebook.
And sometimes, that's going to cause a little chaos.
Gotta get to class.
Dude.
What a dick! If we don't find a way to stop him, we're never going to make any money, you guys.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
I know you are all concerned as Sarah and I are about what's happening to our children.
I just can't believe that children in our town are dressing up in hero costumes and peeing in each other's mouths.
And who are these kids? Does anyone know? They're wearing capes and forcing objects into their own rectal cavities.
Why? We were shocked to read that a young African-American boy is wearing Tupperware and defecating on girls while they sleep.
What if those kids are hanging out with our kids? You know what I think the problem is? Facebook.
Facebook? How so? Well, look, we all know there's a lot of mixing of truth and fiction that's been on Facebook lately.
And children lack the cognitive ability to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook.
That's why we now have young kids dressing up in costumes, eating poop, and having sex with antelopes in our town.
Maybe we need to get our kids off of Facebook.
That'll never happen.
You know what I say we do? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg to come and talk to us all about our concerns in this community.
Do you really think he'd come? Why not give it a try? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg here and see what he has to say.
I'm sure he's a reasonable person.
[Sips] Who are you?! What do you want?! I'm here about the job? Oh, are you Adam? Well, come on in! You're making a smart career choice, Adam.
You see, what we do here is utilize Facebook not only to spread chaos but to actually profit from it.
You'll find the hours very reasonable, and I'm working on getting full health and dental for all employees.
Here's your company uniform.
You see, what I've done, Adam, is built a completely self-sustaining chaos machine You look fantastic Doing nothing more than what Facebook was designed to do.
I make money from Facebook for my fake content in order to pay Facebook to promote my fake stories.
And thusly, we're growing bigger every day.
Everyone, can I have your attention please? We have a new agent of chaos.
Please welcome Adam Borque.
[Scattered applause] Here you go.
You can take this workstation, Adam.
Just start writing horrible things about people and presenting it as reality on Facebook.
All right! Don't forget we have a chaos quota, gang! Let's really [bleep] shit up.
MR.
MACKEY: All right.
Can everyone hear me in the back? M'kay We're gonna get started here.
I know you all have a lot of questions, so without further ado, let me introduce Mark Zuckerberg.
Thanks for coming, Mr.
Zuckerberg.
Thank you.
It is a great honor to be here amongst all of you.
For those few who don't know, could you tell us who you are? I am the founder and chairman of FACEBOOK.
But I also have a style that is completely unblockable.
Okay, we'll let him speak, and then we'll open the floor to some questions if there's time.
Thank you.
Thank you, right.
All right.
Everyone here wants to see my style.
But first what I'll need is a volunteer.
Yes, you sir? Mr.
Zuckerberg, Facebook has become a tool for some to disrupt our country and our community You say these things like they are my fault, and yet they are not.
Well, you did create a platform with a monetary incentive for people to spread misinformation.
[Chuckles] Now I see you're trying to use your style over mine.
Now, you try to block me.
Brzzz! Byeow! Now you have learned that you cannot block me, yes? Yes.
What is your question? How are we supposed to keep our kids Ba-ba-ba-baaa! Ztzztzzzt! Shwa! Ahh! Pos-brb! [Mimics explosion] [Doorbell rings] Wilson Aubrey? Yeah.
It's us, your heroes, Coon and Friends.
We're, uh just wondering why you stopped following us on Instagram.
Because you victimize innocent people and poop in little girls' mouths.
That's not true, Wilson.
We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein.
Facebook says it's true.
But it's not true.
But Facebook says it's true.
Okay, but it's not true, and you need to have your own [bleep] brain and decide shit for yourself! [Screams] God damn it! Let's just face it.
We're never gonna have a superhero franchise! It's so unfair! Come on, fellas.
We can't let Butters win.
Forget it, Fastpass.
The world hates us now.
Yeah, nobody believes in us.
We believe in each other, don't we? Who cares what everyone else thinks? I joined this franchise because I believe that it can make a lot of money.
And being a superhero means you keep believing in that money no matter how hard things get.
Fastpass is right.
We've let all this distract us from what's important.
We just need to get the Netflix series and let our superhero franchise speak for itself.
Coon, everybody hates us.
Maybe so, but we know who we are.
We are Coon Friends because we care about each other, because we have each other's backs.
And when things look their darkest, these heroes will stand together and re Hey, babe, what's up? [Sighs] [Sniffles] [Groans] What are you up to? Nothing.
Just [bleep] wearing sweet costumes, talking about fighting evil.
Is that okay? I just I thought we were meeting at the park.
You didn't text or anything.
Oh, my God.
Are you [bleep] kidding me right now? Sorry! I won't interrupt.
Because we are Coon and Friends, and as long as we have each other, we can do anything! I swear that was the worst public speaker I've ever seen.
What was Mark Zuckerberg's point? I don't even understand what that was about.
Guess nobody realized Mark Zuckerberg was such a penis.
What the hell?! It's Mark Zuckerberg.
I know who it is! Excuse me, what are you doing here? I was invited here by people.
We invited you to come speak to our community about our problems! Ah! I see what you did there.
Trying to block me, right? I am tired of eating chips.
What else is there? Hey! Get out of our fridge.
[Chuckles] This puny refrigerator could not block me.
What makes you think you can? Now, you listen here! I will not Bzzt! Oh! Jrmm! Pyow! Wha! [Chuckles] You are no match for my style.
[Car alarm chirps] So, where are we headed? Perhaps we should get some food.
What Excusee, this is our car.
You call this a car? It wasn't even remotely able to block me.
What is this car's style? Get Get out of here, you you penis! [Chuckles] You say I am a penis, and yet I am not a penis.
[Telephones ringing] Netflix.
You're green lit.
Who am I speaking with? Uh, yes, hello, we have an idea for a show that we think would be great for Netflix.
Okay, great.
Would you like a pilot or just go straight to an order of six episodes? We'd like to go right into six episodes with a pickup option at the end of three.
Got it.
Can you start shooting next month? Got a show about transsexual dragons here! Yes, we're ready to start right now.
We are very, very excited.
Okay, sounds great.
We'll send you the contracts.
Oh, and, uh, what's the show about? It's a stand-alone series about a superhero called The Coon before he joins Coon and Friends.
Coon and Friends? You mean the kids I just read about in the news who stabbed Jessica Alba? Look, you didn't you didn't read that on the news.
You read that on Facebook.
Aw, man, here we go.
Yeah uh, digit, we've never done this before, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pass on your show.
Listen to me! There are falsehoods about us on Facebook that are not true! Well, then you should have those things taken down.
It can't be that hard.
It's a lot harder than you think! Look, we'd love to approve your show, but you need to get those things cleared up first, okay? Thanks for calling.
Netflix.
You're green lit.
Who am I speaking with? What the Who are you? I believe that's Mark Zuckerberg.
Hey, that's my soup! So, you are trying to block me, huh? That's fine.
What's your style? I don't have a style! Hey! Get out of my bed! I was invited here.
I am only making use of a bed for sleeping, yes? We just wanted you to come share your insights on Facebook! Shnn! Oh, my head! My head! Shaaa! You should have worked with me when you had the chance.
Now you lie over there, dead.
Attention, employees.
Kelly Shmidt has just written her 100th fake blog post that was shared over 1,000 times on Facebook.
Let's hear it for Kelly! [Applause] Don't forget about those Chaos incentives! You too can benefit from pandemonium.
Butters! Oh, no! It's Coon and Friends! Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, no! Calm down, everyone.
Stick to your work.
I will deal with these trespassers.
We're here to put an end to you, Chaos! Yeah! I don't have butt sex with antelopes, and Token doesn't poop in girls' mouths! It's the 21st century, gentlemen.
There's nothing illegal about what I'm doing.
Yeah? Nothing illegal about us kicking your a-a-ass either.
Actually that is illegal.
And besides, you can't do anything to me.
[Whistles] Hyah! Syo-yo-yo! [Whoosh!] Wah! So, this is the Coon and Friends that you have told me about.
I warn you, my fighting style is unsurpassed.
Who the S-S-S-Sam Hell is that? I think that's Mark Zuckerberg.
You wanna get to Butters, right? You're gonna have to get through me, huh! Dude.
This kid is deliberately lying about us on your platform for no other reason than to cause harm.
Why are you protecting him? Simple.
He paid me $17.
23.
It's the Facebook safeguard program.
Just $17 monthly gets you personal protection from Mark Zuckerberg.
Come on! What's your style? [Clamoring] All right.
All right.
Everyone calm down.
I can't hear over all you! You have to do something! This guy is going around acting like everyone's stuff is his! I'm sick of getting out of the shower to find Mark Zuckerberg sitting on my toilet! Zuckerberg ate everything in our freezer and then helped himself to my wife's lubricant! [Indistinct shouting] All right.
All right.
Everyone! I just want to know one thing.
Who invited him here? Come on.
Who invited Mark Zuckerberg to town in the first place? - We did.
- We did.
Huh? What's that? We invited Mark Zuckerberg to town.
Uh-huh.
That's what I thought.
You all brought Mark Zuckerberg into your lives and now you want the police to shoot him.
Please, you don't understand.
He's He's such a penis.
Yeah, and I'm pretty sure his voice is dubbed and he does all his own sound effects Well, that doesn't mean he's done anything illegal.
Now, the police will help deal with Mark Zuckerberg, but we aren't going to shoot him.
[Crowd groans] I'm sorry, that's just the way it is.
You all should have thought harder about this before letting him into your lives.
When we all became superheroes, we took an oath.
That no matter what it took we would make shit loads of money.
But thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, right now we are a superhero group that can't even get a show on Netflix.
Zuckerberg is the key.
He's the only person who can shut down Facebook.
How are we going to get him to do that? We're gonna beat him at his own game.
[Police radio chatter] We got the west entrance to town secure.
How you guys doing out east? Here he comes.
Okay, Mr.
Zuckerberg.
That's gonna have to be it.
Can't let you into town.
So, you think you can block me? Look, people don't want you here okay? This is a quiet little town and [Laughs] You cannot block me.
There's plenty of other places you can go, sir.
Can you please just [Vocalizes action sounds] Don't Don't do that please [Vocalizing continues] My brain! My brain! Aah! He walked through.
[Vocalizing continues ] Aah! My my car! My car! Oh, my God! It's Mark Zuckerberg! [Vocalizing continues] Oh, my God! How'd he do that?! [Zip!] What's the matter? Too f-f-fast for you? [Laughs] You saw me walk right through that police barricade, and yet you think you can block me, right? Go ahead and try.
[Both vocalizing action sounds] Now Zuckerberg! Let's see you block my style! Pew! Pew! Pew! [Laughs] [Both vocalizing action sounds] Wha, da, da, da, da.
Bam! Oh! [Groans] Ow! I have never witnessed this style before! [Grunts] Hey, look! The freaky costume kids are getting Zuckerberg! Get him, kids! Poop in his mouth! - [Roars] - Aah! [Laughs] You tried to match my style and failed! [Dramatically] Oh! It is over! My friends are all beaten! Why?! They were just children.
This one simply protesting for black lives.
And this child ting to speak out for handicapped people! W-Why, Mark Zuckerberg? And my friend Kyle, guilty of nothing but standing up for the rights of Jews.
Wh-wha-what are you talking about? Ever heard of Facebook Live? We are just kids trying to have our voices heard for black, handicapped and Jewish rights.
Cut down in our prime by Mark Zuckerberg.
But but hold on.
That that's not true! Facebook says it's true.
Nooo! - Huh? - Hey! - What? - What's going on?! Everyone keep working! - We can't.
- Something's wrong with Facebook.
It's gone.
Like somebody shut it down.
What are you talking about?! [Door opens] Cartman: It's over, Chaos! We've forced your little toady to shut down his own disorder device.
Curse you, Coon and Friends! This isn't over! Oh, yes, it is.
Butters! You're the one who started all this?! Uh-oh.
You think you're just so smart don't you? - No, sir! No, sir, I just - Make me look like a fool will you?! We'll just see about this! Not so funny now is it?! Go on! Tell Mr.
Putin what you told me! Well, I was just [Sniffles] Well, I just said how I just used Facebook like Russia did and really didn't break any rules Didn't break any rules! Good job teaching our children that's all that matters! Just because there's a way to cause chaos in a town or disrupt an entire country doesn't mean you go and do it, does it? If Mark Zuckerberg points a loaded cannon at someone's face, are you innocent for just lighting the fuse?! - Answer me.
[In Russian] - No! You don't go around making up things about people either, unless it's about Mark Zuckerberg 'cause he deserves it.
I hope you're both very satisfied with the damage you've caused, because you're both grounded! [Door slams] Coon Friends, we have done it.
Facebook is gone and Netflix has approved our TV show.
All we have to do now is agree on the final draft of the franchise plan.
You can see that the SuperCraig movie now precedes the Coon VS SuperCraig movie followed by Mysterion's video game and then How come I have to have the video game? I wanna movie too.
You have a movie, Mysterion.
You're in the third Coon and Friends United movie after your video game.
Yeah, but he's saying he doesn't ever get his own movie.
- Do I get my own movie? - Not everyone gets their own movie.
- This franchise plan sucks.
- Oh, Jesus, here we go again.
No, Wonder Tweek is right.
It was better when we started the movies off - with the Tupperware prequel.
- Dude, you can't do a prequel first.
- Why not? - 'Cause then it's not a prequel, it's just first.
And besides Tupperware isn't our strongest character.
[Bleep] you.
It's better than a human kite.
He just likes this plan because he gets two movies in phase one.
Guys! We have to just go with this plan.
We don't even have one movie yet! You go with the plan.
Maybe we'll just go and do our own franchise.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Oh, you want civil war?! Is that what you want? Yeah, dude.
It's civil war.
[Bleep] you.
Oh [bleep] you.
Get outta my house.
We'll make way more money on our franchise! Go ahead.
I bet you don't even get halfway through phase one on your franchise, DC Comics.
[Door slams] I thought Civil War wasn't supposed to happen until phase three.
Shut up, SuperCraig.