South Park s21e05 Episode Script

Hummels & Heroin

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind I like fucking silly bitches cause I know my penis likes it! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine [Indistinct chatter] [Chatter continues] Okay! Okay! Can everyone hear me? Hello? Thanks, everyone, for helping us celebrate Marcus' birthday.
As a special birthday surprise for you, Marcus, we got you your favorite entertainer.
Everyone, please welcome Chuck E.
Cheese! [Kids cheering] Hey Check.
Check.
[Laughing] Yes! Yes! [Microphone feedback] [Guitar plays] [Slurring] Thanks celeb Marcus' birthday What's wrong with him? Can't you tell? He's high on painkillers! [Feedback] Ugh.
Ugh.
Hold on.
Shit.
Okay, let's Let's do this.
I never meant to cause you any so [Retches] [Feedback, thuds] [Screams] [Radio chatter] All right, kids Uh, why don't we head back to the party and cut the cake? I don't want cake! Who could eat cake at a time like this?! [Sobbing] Another drug overdose? Most likely.
Percocet and OxyContin found wrapped in his cheese cloth.
Prescription drugs but with no prescription.
You guys know where all these illegal meds are coming from? Most likely from the prisons.
Whenever there's a drug epidemic, you can usually trace it back to people who've been thrown away by society and forgotten about.
[Rap music plays] Can I help you? Yeah, I'm here to visit my grandpa.
Oh, how nice of you.
All right.
Arms in the air.
[Metal detector buzzing] What's the present? Just some Hummels.
More Hummels? Why are senior citizens so infatuated with these little German statues? All right.
Go on.
You got 10 minutes.
[Rap music continues] - Grandpa? - Billy! Finally you're here to visit.
Did you bring grandpa a present? Yeah I got what you wanted.
Aw, Merry Wanderer and Happy Traveler? These Hummels suck! That's what the guy gave me! It's okay, Billy.
I'm just gonna need you to deliver another one of Ms.
McGullicutty's crochet pillows.
Aw, come on, Grandpa! Isn't it enough I come to visit? You don't understand how it works in here! Ms.
McGullicutty is top bitch.
You do what she says or you pay the price.
No, please, I-I don't want no trouble! I'm sorry! I'll get better Hummels! Dude, Stan! Come on, dude.
We're gonna go set off fireworks at Kenny's house.
I will.
I just got to do this for my grandpa first.
Again?! Dude, how many crappy crochet pillows do you have to give out for him? I don't know.
It's what he wants.
I feel bad for him, all right? I think he's miserable.
He's old.
He's supposed to be miserable.
Look, I just got to make this exchange for him and then we can go.
Oh, oh, I think this is her now.
Are you Stan Marsh? It's me, Swiper.
Cool.
Do you have the Hummel? This is it.
Ride into Christmas.
Limited Edition.
Now give me the pillow.
I have to get to a birthday party.
'Kay, fine.
[Rattles] All right.
Peace! Dude, that's really weird.
Old people love Hummels, dude.
Students, faculty, and staff, today, we are facing an epidemic of catastrophic proportions.
I know I am not alone in mourning the loss of one our greatest entertainers, Chuck E.
Cheese.
Had we known the personal hell he was going through, perhaps we could have helped.
But too many were more than eager to supply Chuck E.
With the opioids that caused his untimely death.
Chuck E.
was not the first entertainer in our community to die from this epidemic.
Let us not forget Dinkie Dook the clown, dead of a Roxanol overdose at Tommy Schneider's bar mitzvah last March, Shimmer and Shine, who both collapsed from massive amounts of oxycodone in their systems at Nelly Anderson's birthday party, Spiderman, cut down in his prime by Demerol, and just recently, Swiper the Fox, dead of multiple opioids found inside his crochet pillow.
How many more entertainers must we lose before we take action?! It is time to declare war on opioids in our society! [Cheers and applause] Dude, what the [bleep] Stan?! I didn't know, all right?! You didn't know you were slinging drugs for your grandpa? It didn't occur to me as a possibility.
Dude, did you hear everyone in school? They're coming after you.
You killed Swiper the Fox, and we were standing there with you! You got to tell people we had no idea what was going on! I had no idea what was going on! Hey, fellas! Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh? He's really motivated.
I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers.
[Flushes] Well, see ya, fellas! Our only way out is to go to the police right now and turn Stan's grandpa in! No, we don't have to do that.
Let me go talk to him.
I can put a stop to this.
[Whispering] Grandpa, what the hell have you gotten me into? [Whispering] Shh! Quiet, they'll hear you! There were drugs in the crochet pillow, weren't there? Do you know people are dying?! What do you want me to do, Billy? You see Mrs.
McGullicutty over there? Whoever has the best Hummel collection is top bitch in this place, and she's got the best.
She's ruthless, and she has those old lady farts.
You know old lady farts, right? Where they're so loose they don't even acknowledge they happened? Oh, hello, Mr.
Marsh.
[Farts] [Normal voice] Ah! Mrs.
McGullicutty.
How are you feeling today? I'm doing very well.
[Farts] Have they given you Percocet for that knee of yours? Oh, uh, yeah, here.
I just got it.
Here you go.
Oh, you'd almost think you were trying to keep them from me.
[Farts] [Normal voice] Oh, uh, ma'am? My grandpa actually really needs those drugs.
He's in a lot of pain.
Ooh, and who is this little rascal? That's just my grandson.
He He's worthless.
How sweet.
[Farts] Hmm? Coming to visit your old papa in the joint, huh? You love your papa, don't you? [Farts] You'd hate to see him suffer even more than he already is.
You watch your ass, Marsh, or I'll have you sent to the quiet room.
[Farts] [Clatters] Wh What is she talking about? What's the quiet room? I told you She has all the pull in here.
You go against what she says, you end up in solitaire.
No.
No, please! I-I didn't do anything! It's all right, Mr.
Standish.
You just need a little quiet time.
I don't even know how to play solitaire! Please! I understand that, today, they are performing Chuck E.
Cheese's autopsy? Oh the kid's party performer, yeah.
As a concerned member of the public, I wish to be present.
Uh, sorry, children aren't really allowed in autopsies.
Then I shall wait here to learn the coroner's findings! Toxicology report shows subject had massive amounts of opioids in system at time of death.
Now proceeding.
[Saw buzzing] [Retches] Have these put in the garbage.
What did you find, coroner? Who is this? There is an epidemic in our community, sir! Some of us actually care to confront the problem.
Now, damn it, what did you find? Nothing out of the ordinary.
The subject died of a simple overdose.
We found nothing else except for two Hummels in the subject's rectal cavity.
Hummels? In his rectal cavity, you say, and you do not find this 'out of the ordinary'? Not at all.
We've found Hummels in nearly all the birthday entertainer's anal cavities.
It's very common in our overdose victims.
Hmm A bit too common, don't you think? Guys, why does grandpa have to be in the nursing home? Can't he live with us again? Stan, grandpa has a lot of needs that we can't provide him here.
He needs professional supervision.
Is that really it? Because I-I just feel like we kind of threw grandpa away - and forgot about him.
- Oh, really? Do you have any idea how much money we pay to have grandpa in that place? Your grandpa is styling.
Can you imagine being able to just sit around all day and not have to do anything but eat and watch TV? Yeah, I'd probably go crazy and want to kill myself.
Jesus, Stan, it's not like he's in jail.
Yeah, it's kind of like jail.
You should go visit him.
I can't.
I'm too busy busting my ass to pay the bills for that place and to pay for your guitar lessons.
I don't have guitar lessons.
I don't want to go there.
It's depressing.
Aw, you tricked me.
[Cellphone rings] [Beeps] Hello? Dude! Did you give Butters a crochet pillow to drop off? [Whispering] Dude, I don't have a choice.
I have to get the Hummels for my grandpa.
Well, you need to get Hummels without making Butters a drug dealer.
Drug dealer?! All right.
All right.
I think I know another way.
[Rapping] They got me locked up in here They got me locked up in here And I'm sitting, doin' hard time Pissin' in a metal bowl Eatin' shit from a lunch line They got me locked up In here, nobody knows you by your name You just a number Livin' under bitch-ass rules of a broken game They put me here to die, left me angry and alone For the crime of being old They threw me in this nursing home They got me locked up in here Rotting in my cell They got me fake plants and waterfalls It's a living hell They got me locked up in here So they can throw away their troubles All that I have now are my little German Hummels Hummels, Hummels, Hummels, Hummels They got me Brand new bitch was just admitted next door Hot piece of ass 'cause she's only 84 Next bingo night, I'll pound that pussy black and blue As long as I can get her before Tommy's grandpa do They got me Man, I can't handle these old-people activities Tour group on a bus, children come to sing to us 3:00 p.
m.
canasta, They put me out to pasture Death row stops this, I think they call it hospice Hospice Hey, we have this week's delivery of medications.
Bring 'em in! [Truck beeping] Aah! Hello, Mr.
Marsh.
Oh, he-hey, Marcus.
I understand you've become quite the Hummel collector lately.
What's the fascination with Hummels? Nothing.
I Look, I just really like Hummels, okay? I'm just I'm really into Hummels.
Ah.
I see.
So then you should be able to tell me what this Hummel is called.
That That's, uh Come on! If you're a Hummel expert, then you should know it's name! It's It's Whistling in the Rain.
Wrong! It's called Stormy Weather.
- Do you know where it was found? - No.
It was found deep in the anus of one Chuck E.
Cheese, the renowned entertainer beloved by millions! If you know something about the epidemic that is killing artists, then you better cough it up.
Marcus, trust me, you don't want to get involved.
I became involved when Chuck E.
Cheese collapsed like a rag doll before my very eyes! If you had any involvement, I will bring you down! Well, it was really great seeing you, Dad.
Guess we oughta hit the road soon.
You finally come to visit and leave after 10 minutes.
Oh, Jesus, now we know where Stan gets his guilt trips from.
Mmmm.
It seems somebody's been a little naughty lately.
[Farting] [Chuckling nervously ] Oh, Mrs.
McGullicutty, how are you? Mmmm.
My, what a lovely Hummel collection you're starting to amass.
[Sniffs] Almost smells brand new, doesn't it? Like it was purchased right from the factory.
[Farts] Ooh, and who are these lovely people? Family that came to visit, no doubt? Yes.
Yeah, we love coming here.
Ah, family.
I remember when I was a little girl.
[Farts] My brother used to play such tricks on me.
[Farts quickly] Try to fool me.
Try to get out from his responsibilities.
I'm giving you Hummels.
What's it matter where they come from? [Chuckles] Oh.
It doesn't matter to me, but it matters to them.
[Farts] The big guys.
You see, what they want is more people who are addicted.
To crochet pillows.
[Farts] Got it? Nice to meet you fine folks.
[Farts] [Sniffs] We're never visiting here again.
[Gunfire, indistinct shouting] [Explosion, glass shatters] Oh, ho! You're dead, Butters! Aw, geez.
Guys! Guys, I need your help! If it has to do with your heroin operation, count us out.
I just talked to my grandpa.
There's more at work here than just old people pushing pills.
Stan, we told you we don't want to be involved.
The head bitch of the nursing home is gonna take my grandpa down Maybe my whole family! Get outta the way, dude! But I know what to do! Whoever has the best Hummels controls the nursing home.
We gotta steal this lady's Hummel collection and give it to my grandpa.
Dude, Stan, even if we wanted to help you, which we don't, there's no way We can sneak into an old folks home, distract all the old people, and take an old lady's Hummels.
Oh, wait, there totally is a way you could do that.
Yeah? What What is it, Cartman? Dude, we're not getting involved! Cartman, if you have an idea, please tell me.
I need you.
I know how to distract old people.
[Sighs] Aw, shit.
[Telephone rings] Yes? We're at Mimi Thompson's party.
Peppa Pig just collapsed on stage! Oh, my God! Don't let anyone near Peppa Pig until I arrive! Move aside! Let me through! Aw, Peppa.
Peppa, can you hear me? [Groans] My name is Marcus Preston.
Can you understand me? Where did you get the drugs, Peppa? Was it from Stan Marsh? Yo, man, what you talkin' 'bout? Get me a [bleep] ambulance.
Shh! Peppa, focus.
Soon you'll be in Heaven, jumping in all the muddy puddles you can imagine, but first, you must tell me Where do the Hummels go, Peppa? All right, let us through.
Get away, kids.
Peppa, now! Why Hummels? You've got to squeal! Old people! Old people love Hummels.
[Groans] [Gurgles] It's okay.
She's with Chuck E.
Cheese now.
- Can I help you? - Oh, yes, hello.
We are adorable children here to entertain old people.
Didn't think we had anyone scheduled tonight.
Are you with the Protestant youth group? Yes, that's right.
We are young prostitutes here to volunteer however we can.
Fine.
Round 'em up! We got another kids choir! Come on! Let's go! Children's choir in the commons.
[Seniors groaning] - Aw, damn it.
- Shit.
Darling children are gonna sing for you.
Move your asses! Aw, not again! All right, seniors, how are we feeling tonight? Our youth group has come to lift your spirits with some songs to take you down memory lane.
We hope you can enjoy some nice old-people music.
[Pitch pipe plays] I'm Insane in the membrane Insane in the membrane Insane in the brain Crazy insane, got no brain In the membrane [Farts] [Pitch pipe plays] Myyy Milkshake brings all the boys To the yard And they're like [Pops] It's better than yours Damn right [Pops] It's better than yours My hot milkshake And now, here's our own take on that oldie but goodie by Nirvana.
[Pitch pipe plays] In the cool, cool winter Rape me In the hot, hot summertime Rape me, my friend - You suck! - Hey! Hey! We are adorable children trying to bring sunshine into your lives! [Bleep] you! [Bleep] you! [Pitch pipe plays] If you Want to call me baby Just go ahead now [Clatter] [Lock disengages] [Hinges creaking] Hello, Mr.
Marsh.
[Dramatic music plays] Marcus.
[Light switch flicks] I told you I'd bring you down.
[Cellphone camera clicks] Marcus, it's not what you think.
I'm trying to make things better here.
Oh, I'll bet you are.
You, your grandpa, all the people here are going to jail! I'm calling the police.
You can put an end to this place, but you won't be stopping the problem! These people are victims too, Marcus.
Victims of a way bigger game being played by way bigger people.
Oh, you're a fine one for speeches When it comes to saving your own ass.
It's not for me, Marcus.
Look, I know you loved Chuck E.
Cheese.
I know you'd do anything to bring down the people who took him from you.
[Crying] That's why you have to go further, Marcus.
Take it to the people who profited from Chuck E.
's addiction.
[Crying] He was just a mouse [breathes shakily] who wanted to make people happy.
[Crying continues] I know.
I know.
No time to search the world around When I come around When I come around I come around Hey, where y'all going? Back to our rooms.
You kids are absolutely awful.
[Farts] What the Someone is in my room! [Farts angrily] [Gasps] [Farts] Whaaaaat?! [Farts] [Wheelchair whirring] Billy, what are you doing here? Surprise, Grandpa.
I got what you needed.
Huh? Billy! Mrs.
McGullicutty's Hummel collection! You got it for me! Yeah, Grandpa.
Now you can put a stop to all this, right? Yeah.
I just might be able to.
[Farting] What are you doing, Grandpa? I told you, Billy These Hummels hold a special power with old people.
You! [Farts] Go on, get outta here.
You really thought stealing my Hummels will make YOU the head bitch in this place?! [Farts] Yeah, I think it will.
[Screams] [Farts] Ooh! Aah! Ohh! [Farts] Ooh! [Seniors cheering] [Cheering continues] Now you know how we do shit in the nursing home.
[Cheering continues] That's pretty sweet.
You get your paws off of me, young man! [Farts] There, there, Mrs.
McGullicutty.
Everything's gonna be all right.
[Farting] No! Not Solitaire! I won't play it! You can't make me! Congratulations on becoming head bitch, Grandpa.
Thank you, Billy.
Now, if only we could take down the real douche bags who profit from all this.
Aw, don't worry.
I have a feeling that's about to happen.
[Indistinct conversations] [Doors open] Ladies and gentlemen My name is Marcus Preston.
I have some questions.
[Song playing]