South Park s21e06 Episode Script

Sons A Witches

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind I like fucking silly bitches cause I know my penis likes it! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine I want candy I want candy What time are the other guys getting there? Everyone just said sundown, which should be soon.
- I want candy - I want candy I want candy [Horn honks.]
I want candy I want candy Lookin' good, Ryan! Yeah, I got a real cape this year.
Check it out! Hey Hey, Sharon, did you see the box of Jack Daniels? Oh, no.
You're not doing this again.
What do you mean? Of course I am.
Stan wanted us to take him to the pumpkin patch.
Sharon, you know the week leading up to Halloween is always my Witch Party Week with the guys.
Yeah, and you guys get wasted.
We have some drinks.
Come on.
All the other guys' wives aren't being bitchy about it.
[Horn honks.]
Sup, witches?! All right! Randy's got the J.
! Yep.
Who's got the other stuff? Kevin says he's bringing it.
[All chuckling.]
Come on.
Come on.
[Normal voice.]
Sweetheart, can we get going, please? Heidi: Hang on, babe! Just a couple more things.
Honey, the pumpkin patch opened like an hour ago and member how I was saying I want to get there early? What do you think? Great.
Let's go to the pumpkin patch.
Yup! Almost ready.
Wha-What? Okay, spider or the bat? The spider's great.
Really? 'Cause I think I like the bat.
Why does she do this every time? - What, babe? - I said it's time.
- Boy, look at the time.
- 'Kay, all set! 'Kay, here we go, going to the pumpkin patch.
Okay! Oh! I forgot my glitter lip gloss! You don't need glitter lip gloss! Eric, are you upset? Do you need to talk about something? No! No, we don't need to talk! I'm super happy! Oh, okay.
Hang on, I got to pee.
You got to pee again.
Almost thought you guys were gonna bail on us! [Chuckles.]
Yeah, right.
We're gonna miss the first night of the party.
'Sup, Steven, Chip.
Just ready to party farty, witches.
Well, I got the Jack.
And I got the crack! Oh, yeah! Jack and Crack Witch Week.
Let's do this! Everybody up the hill! All: Everybody have fun tonight Jack and Crack Witch Week tonight Everybod Thanks for taking the kids out, Ms.
Heidi's been looking forward to it.
Oh, yes, my little Eric just loves the pumpkin patch.
It's one of his favorite events of the year! Okay, come on! Let's go! All right.
You kids all ready? Yup, all set to go to the pumpkin patch.
It's been open for over an hour now! Oh, don't you look cute, Heidi! Awesome.
Here we go.
Heading out now.
Hold on, Eric.
I want a picture.
- No.
Pumpkin patch is gonna - Will you take a picture, Dad? See, all the best pumpkins get taken, and then Heidi's Dad: Cheese! Okay.
Come on.
Here we go, going out the door.
Go, Mom.
Bye, Daddy! Love you! 'Kay, here we go to the pumpkin patch! Oh, crap.
Hang on.
I forgot my bracelet! Oh, my [bleep.]
Eric, potty mouth.
Arghghgh! [Sighs.]
All: [Chanting.]
Put a spell on our bosses, put a spell on our wives.
A hex on the Patriots, let's [bleep.]
up their lives! And screw the Raiders, too! All: Yeah! [Cheering, indistinct chatter.]
No way! Check out Stephen, you guys! [Chuckles.]
Happy Witch Week! [Grunts.]
Hey, hey! [Music stops.]
You guys want to see some real witchcraft? Ooooh.
I mean it! I got this spell book last month.
Got it in Salem, Massachusetts.
They say it's real.
Like, real how? Like from the devil himself.
[Thunder crashes.]
You guys want to try it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey! Wait up, babe.
Hey, where you been, Eric?! Oh, boy! What a great time that was! Thanks for coming, kids.
Oh, you just getting here? Yes, we are just getting here.
Okay, go on in, I suppose.
Petting zoo's closed, and I think they stopped the churro machine.
The petting zoo's cl The petting zoo is closed? Yeah, you can still maybe do the bouncy house.
Come on, babe! Arkna Pedooim Uthnod borall.
That's pretty cool.
Uthnod borall! Uthnod alverndaraal! Wickus stayfallo Uh.
Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ah! Oh, it burns! Okay, Chip.
You might need to ease up on the crack there, buddy.
[Laughs evilly.]
I'll kill you all! Kill you all! [Laughs evilly.]
[Screaming continues.]
You'll all be dead by Halloween! Get out! Everyone out! What do you mean?! I just got here! There's a witch! [Laughs evilly.]
Come on, Eric! No! I missed it! I missed it all! [Screaming continues.]
[Laughing continues.]
Oh, hey.
Didn't see you there.
Did you hear anything about what happened last night? Uh no.
What Happened? Your buddy, Chip Duncan? Apparently he flew around on a broom, blew things up and kidnapped some children.
Are you serious?! You heard nothing about this?! He flew away vowing we'd all be dead by Halloween.
God, I knew that guy was a [bleep.]
Randy, what did you guys do at that party? Nothin'.
We were just hangin' out and talkin' and stuff, and then Chip got all weird.
People were hurt! Yeah, I agree It's awful! We're not like Chip, okay? He's a bad witch! Did any of you guys actually see the witch?! Yeah, it was terrifying.
She had a broom and a cackle and everything.
What are we gonna do, guys? Our parents are never gonna let us trick-or-treat with a witch flying around! They say she blew up the pumpkin patch.
Did any of you guys see that? No, I missed the whole thing.
I always try to get to the pumpkin patch really early.
Yeah, I got there early, too.
You get the best pumpkins that way.
Anyways, I guess the witch destroyed the whole thing.
Stan: We got to take matters into our own hands.
None of us are safe.
Yeah, but what are we gonna do? Kyle: No, we got to just hope the police will handle it.
Yeah right, like they'll handle anything.
Stan's right.
This might fall on us.
Yeah, we got to save Halloween.
Don't you think so, Eric? What? We got to do something to get rid of her! Yes.
You're right, guys.
It's my only way out.
All right.
See you, Sharon.
Have a good night! Where do you think you're going? What do you mean? It's day two of Witch Week with the guys.
You can't possibly be considering doing this again! Why not? Randy, a real with is flying around in the sky snatching children! I don't think this is the best time for you to be wearing a witch costume and partying.
Gah! Just because of one bad witch, we're supposed to stop a tradition that goes back twenty-some-odd years?! Jesus! Hey, Randy.
'Sup, guys? You know, just getting a bunch of shit for being witches.
I know, right?! It's like there's one awful witch who wants to kill everybody, so now they're coming after all of us! This is like a witch thingie.
It's like a witch pursuit thingie! A witch uh It's a witch chase and shoot 'em up! Yeah, that's what it is! Hey, what the hell is this? Randy: Park closed until further notice.
That's bullshit! Oh, my God! They can't do this.
The whole town really is on a witch pursuit thing.
[Laughs evilly.]
[Woman screams.]
[Laughs evilly.]
Check this out, you guys.
It says that to destroy a witch, you need bent pits, nine in all, each bent into an "L" shape.
What are bent pits? Hey, guys! I think I got it figured out! You do? I knew Eric would come up with a plan! Okay, first of all, we need a scary place to lure her into.
What is the creepiest place in town? Ross Dress for Less.
That's right.
Stan and Kyle will wait inside the Ross Dress for Less and I will bring Heidi there.
Once inside, Kenny and Butters will set off a series of explosions that will Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What the [bleep.]
are you talking about? This is how we're going to get rid of Heidi.
Nobody's talking about getting rid of Heidi! You guys said you would help me get rid of her! Of the witch! Who cares about a witch?! My life is a living hell, you guys! Then break up with her! You clearly can't stand her.
Let the poor girl go! I've tried! It's impossible! Heidi's a nice girl.
How can you be so awful to her?! You don't understand.
She has no time-management skills whatsoever.
You don't know 'cause you've never had a girlfriend, Kyle! Fine.
Just leave me to suffer.
Next time you want me to kill someone for you, just forget about it.
Students and parents, I know that you are all concerned about the witch who is preying upon our town.
And I want to speak to you all about how to try and protect yourselves.
But first, some gentlemen have asked to speak on what they perceive to be a "witch pursuit thing.
" Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be actually over Yeah, you go over there, Stewart.
Right, right, right, right.
All: We're all on the same side, you and I Let's all stick togetha, let's try When things are going bad And there's people you need to confront Just be sure it doesn't turn into a witch pursuit thing [Others vocalizing.]
Hey, guys.
There's good witches and there's bad witches, And we stand with you in saying this particular witch needs to be brought down.
But that doesn't mean we should all be closing parks And stopping all witch activity because All: Let's not turn this into a witch pursuit thing Dad, get outta here! We're trying to deal with an actual witch.
Nobody's coming after you! Yes, they are, boys! And next they'll be coming after you! 'Cause you're all little sons a witches.
Right, you don't have to worry about us going around snatching children.
Only the other witch does that.
- Hey, babe.
- Oh, hey, Eric.
Listen, there's a big fun costume party tonight and I was thinking you and me should go.
What do you say? A costume party? With everything that's going on? Yeah, I just think, you know, we need to let off some steam and have a little Halloween fun, you know? I already have our costumes picked out.
Well I guess.
Cool, I'll come pick you up at 5:00! Well, maybe make it 4:30 if you're bringing the costumes.
I might need a little extra time to get ready.
Oh, I'm counting on it.
[Doorbell rings.]
Randy, can I talk to you? Sure, Stephen.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, Randy.
About the past.
About what we've done.
I think it's time we come clean and tell everyone about the crack.
And the spells against our wives.
Okay, look, you're freaked out.
It's understandable.
I have to admit what I've done wrong, Randy! I feel like everything's crashing down and I want Linda to hear it from me first.
Okay, we smoked a little crack We put harmless spells on our wives.
We were just messing around.
It was harmless fun! Was it? Or did we close our eyes to what Chip Duncan was becoming? Stephen, you can't turn on your own kind.
That's what these witch pursuit thingies do, okay? They make everyone go crazy.
I'm sorry, Randy.
I have to clear my conscience.
All right, Stephen.
At least give us till tomorrow morning to talk to our wives and prepare them, all right? Can you just give us till morning? Yeah, sure.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Hey, it's Randy.
We've got until tomorrow morning to sacrifice Stephen to the devil.
I'll explain later, just get everyone together.
And maybe bring just a little bit of crack.
[Crickets chirping.]
[Owl hoots.]
[Wings flutter.]
Don't you think we should stay on the main roads, Eric? This seems like a bad place to be right now.
Don't worry Heidi, this is the fastest way to the party.
I'm sure the witch won't even notice us! [Bird screeches.]
Eric, come on, this is a bad idea.
Let's turn around.
Well, Heidi, if we'd been on time we wouldn't need to take a short cut, but I wanted to give you your space to get ready.
Is that what this is about? You're still mad about the pumpkin patch, aren't you? Why would I be mad? You wanted to make sure you looked right and then had to eat and use the bathroom 40 times.
I can't blame you for missing the pumpkin patch.
I didn't use the bathroom 40 times! [Evil laughter.]
What was that!? [Leaves rustle.]
Eric! Did you hear that?! Eric?! Eric! Oh, my God! Eric, are you okay?! Well, well, what have we here? Sweet.
Come on Come on Dude, is your dad home? No.
I don't know where he is.
We can't find our dads either! Yeah, and it turns out our dads and the bad witch were all part of the same witch group! We asked our moms, and they said this has been going on for years.
We gotta find them before something even stupider happens.
- How are we gonna do that?! - There's another guy.
Someone else who was in the witch's club - but hasn't been around for a while.
- Who? Mr.
President, you have an urgent call from a Butters Stotch.
Butters? What's he want? This is the President.
Oh, uh, hello, Mr.
President, how are you? Butter him up, Butters.
How How is running the country goin'? Oh, it's fine.
You know, just making the country great again.
Did you get rid of all the immigrants like you said? I got rid of, like, six of 'em so far You know it's little harder than I thought.
Cool, and did you build that big wall you were gonna build? Don't be a dick, Butters.
Are you just calling to shit on my Halloween? No, sir! I Well, the thing is Didn't you used to do J and C Witch Week with our dads? Yeah, it was my favorite time of year.
Now I just have to celebrate it alone.
Well, the thing is, Mr.
President, one of the guys did a spell and took a bunch of children and he's gonna eat 'em all.
Lemme guess Chip Duncan.
Oh, that guy was always such a douche.
President, please, you gotta help.
Our dads can't do anything 'cause they're scared people are coming after all witches.
Coming after all witches?! Oh, geez So you were there when witch showed up and took your girlfriend? Yes, it just came outta nowhere.
I tried to save Heidi, but it was too late.
What was your girlfriend wearing? She was dressed kinda like me but had a simple Munich dirndl from Germany.
And you didn't stop at all to think that what you were doing might attract the witch? Excuse me? Are you actually trying to blame the victim here?! I'm just saying that if there's a big fat witch around, maybe you shouldn't walk through the woods dressed as Hansel and Gretel.
Ohhh! Whoa, whoa.
Not cool, Rick.
Not cool! I will have your badge, sir! Sorry, folks, sorry.
Detective! Detective! Call just came in.
The witch has been spotted at Ross Dress for Less! Everyone to Ross Dress for Less now! Guys? I'm here Guys? What's this all about? Hello, Stephen.
Oh, hey.
What are we meeting here for? It's too late, Stephen.
We called the police.
We know you took those children.
What?! What What are you doing? [Sirens wailing.]
Here he is, everybody! Stephen's a bad witch! No! We're putting a stop to you, Stephen! Because that's what good witches do! Oh, my God.
I see what this is.
This witch pursuit thing has you on a witch pursuit thing now! [Sirens chirp.]
[Tires screech.]
I'm innocent! Please! It's over, Stotch! What have you done with the children? No, don't you see?! They're just doing their own witch pursuit thingy now.
This is madness! [Evil laughter.]
Hey, wassup, bros? "Wassup bros"?! Chip, do you see all the chaos you've caused? Yeah, so? I'm a witch.
You understand everyone associates us with you, right? Of course they do.
You're all witches too, dudes! Not like you! What'd you do with the children? They're all in here! See? - Children: Daddy! - Mommy! [Screaming.]
I'm going to use their souls to increase my power! [Airplane whirring.]
Look! Another witch is flying down now! ["Hail to the Chief" plays.]
Butters, come on! We got to go! Okay! Where? I guess our witches were gonna sacrifice your witch, but then the bad witch showed up and now the witch we called just arrived! - There's witches everywhere! - Holy moly! Look, Chip, if we had known you were gonna hurt people we would have never even hung out.
- Oh, gimme a break, Randy.
- No, seriously.
Like if one of you guys had the power I have you wouldn't use it.
We wouldn't! Excuse me Chip what the [bleep.]
are you doing? Oh, hey, man! You're ruining the party for everyone, Chip, I'm here to take you out.
[Laughs evilly.]
You'll never stop me! I grow more powerful every moment! You wanna see real power? All right, take the shot.
I'm free! Mommy! Daddy! Is that all of em? There's one more little girl! Come on out, little girl! Heidi: Okay! Just a second! Come on little girl, everyone's waitin' on ya.
Okay! Almost ready.
Hang on.
It's gonna be a while.
Well, we did it guys! Everyone'll be stoked on us now! Hey! And there's still a few nights left of Jack and Crack Witch Week! Everybody follow me! I've got tons of Jack, tons of crack, and a jet! [Cheering.]
- Party's back on! - We did it, guys! Don't wait up, Sharon! I'm gonna party with El Presidente.
All ready to trick or treat?! Yeah, no, I've been ready for a couple hours now.
Cool, I just wanna put on some lip gloss.
Do these stockings go with this outfit? I thought maybe I should use the red ones Is it cold out? You think I should put a hoodie on over this? Nah, covers up my costume too much, don't you think? Okay, all ready.
Oh, wait! Hang on.
I can't decide if I should wear leggings or not.
Is it gonna be cold?
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