South Park s21e07 Episode Script

Doubling Down

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine S21E07 Doubling Down [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
Yes, Eric? [SOBBING.]
Eric, this isn't working.
Heidi, no, please! Heidi, Heidi, I would be nothing without you.
Okay? I'm sorry.
Okay? Please! You called me a whore and pushed me in front of a car.
Heidi, I was in a bad mood.
I told you that's what happens after I eat.
My blood sugar spikes, and I get all anxious and then I crash Eric, you can't just keep being mean to me and blaming it on your blood sugar.
But it But it's true, Heidi! It's all my mom's fault.
She feeds me all this crap, and my body doesn't know how to process it.
Mom! Mom! Yes, hon? You [BLEEP.]
up my life, Mom! [BLEEP.]
you! How could you feed me like that, you bitch?! Get outta here! Eric, if blood sugar is really the problem, then you need to change how you eat, right? Right.
Like, what'd ya What'd ya mean? Eric, every time I've talked to you about maybe being a vegan with me, you just tell me vegans are pussies, but then you try and blame food and your mom for It is the food and it is my mom, Heidi! It is! I wanna be vegan with you! I need your help to show me how.
Please, Heidi.
I need you right now, more than ever.
I want to do this.
You really mean it? Yes, Heidi! That's how much I love you.
I'm vegan from now on.
All right, Eric.
We'll see how this goes, okay? I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay, bye, honey.
That dirty whore! Who does that bitch think she is?! Packing my lunch for me? [BLEEP.]
her, dude! Pissed off at your girlfriend again, huh, Eric? She's not a girlfriend.
She's a controlling, manipulative whore! That's enough, Cartman.
I am so sick of hearing you call Heidi horrible things! That's because you don't understand how much it sucks be in a relationship.
Hey, babe.
Oh, hey, babe.
What's going on? What are you up to? Nothing, just telling the guys how awesome it is to be vegan.
That's great.
You wanna come eat with me? I can explain what I packed.
Yeah, sure.
That sounds awesome.
I don't get it.
I just really don't get it.
How is she still supporting him? She loves him, I guess.
But he clearly sucks.
She has to know he sucks.
What the hell is going on? Well, it's not our problem.
It is our problem.
This is affecting us Our whole school.
There's got to be a reason she sticks by him.
Oh, Heidi.
Heidi, you got a sec? - Oh, hey, Kyle.
- Hey.
Uh, listen, uh I-I know you and Cartman have an anniversary coming up, and I was just wondering, you know, how do you think he's doing? As a boyfriend? Well, what do you mean? Well, you know, like, some of us are thinking that, uh, maybe he's not super qualified to be with you.
Oh, God.
Not you, too.
Just, like, what are the things about Cartman that you find remotely redeeming? Look, don't you think I get it enough from my girlfriends? "He sucks, Heidi.
What's wrong with you? Why can't you admit he's a loser? How could anyone ever go with him?" I was just following my heart.
Isn't that what you're supposed to do? You don't have to get defensive.
- I just - Who's being defensive?! He's great! We're doing great! I didn't make a bad decision.
I don't need you to stand there and say, "I told you so.
" I didn't say, "I told you" You know, you don't know what Eric's like when we're alone, okay? He's actually really good to me.
Heidi! Oh, my God.
You're not gonna believe this.
- What? - You were so right [DOOR CLOSES.]
when you said there were vegan options for everything.
Remember how you told me about Beyond Meat? Yeah, the vegan meat that's made with all vegetables and plants.
Well, I tried it, and you were right.
You can't even tell the difference between that and real meat.
Really? That's great, babe.
So now I've been trying all kinds of vegan foods.
You gotta try this.
It's called Beyond KFC.
- Oh, wow.
- It's all plant-based.
Soy protein, and just Y-You gotta taste this.
Just try it.
It tastes just like KFC.
I know, right?! Isn't that crazy? Like Like, seriously, how could you even tell that this was vegan? Try the try the Beyond Mashed Potatoes and Gravy too.
They say you can even drink the Beyond Gravy by itself as like a protein boost.
I don't know about you, but I could eat this every day.
Yeah, it's really good.
Guys, listen.
I think I know why Heidi won't admit Cartman's a horrible boyfriend.
Dude, are you still on this? Yeah! It's important! Maybe she's telling the truth, Kyle.
Maybe Eric really does love and support her in ways that we don't see.
You guys! You guys! - Have you seen Heidi? - No.
Well, uh, we've been trying some different foods lately, and, uh, Heidi's put on some pounds, you guys.
Heidi's getting fat? Yeah, Token, don't start ripping on me for having a fat girlfriend, all right? Just try and be cool about it.
Hey, babe.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, Heidi.
What's going on? I-I'm not feeling the best again.
I might see if my mom can come pick me up.
Pick you up? That could be tough.
I I know, but I just feel bloated.
I think there might have been something bad in that Beyond Arby's.
Yeah, well, cool babe.
Maybe you should, uh, just waddle on down to the nurse's office.
Can you come with? Oh, sure.
We have to help that girl.
Can't you see what's happening? Kyle it's none of our business.
You're wrong.
In a way I think we're all going out with Cartman right now.
Yeah, I understand that, faggot.
And you should understand how my balls are gonna taste when your country starts needing money.
I don't give two shits about a treaty.
You're a Polish midget.
Come in.
Hang Hang on.
I'm gonna call you back.
Yeah, go [BLEEP.]
yourself, retard.
President, we have a problem.
People are pretty upset.
Oh, don't tell me people are still mad about that nigger thing.
It's pronounced "Niger," Mr.
And it's a country in Africa.
Ooh, aren't we fancy.
Okay, I don't want a bunch "Nigers" in Africa aiding terrorists.
President, you need to be a little more careful.
There's an investigation.
A worker with ties to Russia was found raped and executed.
Raped and executed? Oh, you mean [BLEEP.]
to death? Oh, yeah, that was me.
President, people are starting to question your oath to the office! My oath to the office was that I would [BLEEP.]
everyone to death, remember? Ooh, I 'member! - Me, too.
I 'member! - I 'member that.
You guys be quiet.
And you guys just get out there and put a positive spin on this whole thing.
How are we supposed to put a positive spin on it? It's getting pretty hard to keep defending you.
Maybe it's time we put our foot down.
Hope you brought some condoms.
I know things have been difficult between us lately.
I know you think all boys are sort of pigs, but just know that a lot of us boys think girls are amazing and smart and beautiful.
Not Not like hot beautiful, I mean like inside beautiful.
I I'm not saying you're hot.
You're not You're not hot.
I'm not saying you're ugly.
It doesn't matter.
You're all hot on the inside.
If we could all just see inside you, it would be hot.
Oh, shit.
What do you want, Kyle? It's Heidi Turner.
You guys shouldn't criticize her so much for going with Cartman.
Why not? Eric Cartman is a horrible person.
I know! I-I know that, okay? Trust me, I hate Cartman as much as any of you.
But just, give her some space, you know? You can't keep saying, "We told you so," because if you make her feel dumb, she just doubles down and tries to prove to herself that it wasn't dumb.
Why do you care? Do you like Heidi? No! Oh, my God.
He so likes Heidi.
No, I don't! Do I? Hey, Kyle! Hey, I was thinkin' about what you said How we should all help Heidi break up with Eric? You're right.
It's our moral obligation.
Yeah, no, we're not getting involved in that.
Oh, we're not? Yeah, no, yeah, I, uh I think we need to stay out of it.
Okay, then.
Cartman, can we talk? Sure, Kyle.
What's up? I just I hope that maybe you can realize what you have with Heidi and and just try to be good to her, okay? Kyle, let me tell you something about relationships.
There's always two sides.
Okay? You compromise, she compromises.
Sometimes you criticize each other, but it's all part of trying to make each other better.
Some day, maybe you'll have a girlfriend and you'll understand.
Oh, here she comes.
Boom-baba, boom-baba! Clear the hallway, everyone! Heidi's comin' troo! Wha What are you doing, Eric? I was just practicing marching bass drum for my buddy Kyle.
It's his favorite.
Oh, okay.
Um, are we still on for lunch? You betcha.
Can't wait.
See ya.
Boom-baba, boom-baba, boom! Some concern over the President's competency again today.
It was during a Middle East peace conference when the President referred to the people of Saudi Arabia as "a bunch of dirty sand Nigers.
" Though the comments seem divisive, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan says he's sticking by his President 100%.
REPORTER: Speaker Ryan, it's the anniversary of the President being elected.
How do you think he's doing? Well, what do you mean? He's great.
We're doing great.
A lot of people judge him and just see the negative.
People don't know how great the President can be behind closed doors.
They don't get to see all his good qualities.
And is that semen on your black eye? Oh! No, I-I, uh I tripped on a doorknob! That's just That's doorknob cum.
You doing okay, Heidi? I keep thinking Eric's going to change.
Heidi People like Cartman, they always make things someone else's fault.
We all wrongly see ourselves as the victim sometimes, but Cartman sees himself as the victim all the time.
He'll always find someone to blame for his shortcomings, and because of that, he's never gonna change.
Before we started going out, I was in a really bad place.
I felt pushed away by society.
Then this guy came along who told me all the things I wanted to hear, and I just went with it.
Does that make me a bad person? [RIHANNA'S "UNFAITHFUL" PLAYING.]
No, Heidi.
Good people make bad decisions every day.
I've been defending him for so long.
I don't know how I'm gonna face people if I finally give up.
Story of my life Searching for the right But it keeps avoiding me Sorrow in my soul 'Cause it seems that wrong Really loves my company I don't wanna do this anymore I don't wanna be the reason why Every time I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside I don't wanna hurt him anymore I don't wanna take away his life I don't wanna do this anymore [MUFFLED.]
Please, Heidi! [SOBBING.]
Whoa Anymore [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hi Hi Hi What do you want? He-He-He-Heidi broke up with me, Token.
So? I have nothing now, Token.
She was my whole world.
C-Can I just stay here with you please? What?! Why?! You still have a house! I know how you feel now, Token.
To be pissed of at the world.
To feel completely screwed over by society.
I totally get it now.
I wanna do what you guys do and go disrespect the flag and flip cars over and stuff.
Token, pleeeeease.
I'm sorry for everything! I really understand now how you guys feel.
Please, what time is your family gonna go disrespect the flag tonight? - I wanna go with.
- Get outta here! - What's going on? - Nothing, Mom.
Heidi broke up with meeeee Token, he's freezing.
Come on in out of the snow.
Thank youuuuu No! Okay, we're safe to talk.
It's not safe! Nowhere's safe, don't you understand? We're all about to get killed! Shh! Keep your voices down! Look at this? What are all these numbers? The latest approval ratings.
I've been researching our own independent poll.
The president is tanking.
These numbers are so low that we might just have an out.
Well, don't you guys see what this means? I don't know anything, I'm just a turtle.
It means that the swing voters are turning against him.
It's those people who matter.
Those are the ones who can finally turn this thing around! And then we don't have to get killed! We can't let the president know about this.
- Just let him - What are you guys talking about? No, nothing! - Nope! - Nothing, Mr.
Oh, okay Just having a little chat or something? It's an opinion poll, Mr.
Your numbers are down, and I wanted to show you so you could do something! Oh, you bitch! I was the one who researched the poll, Mr.
President! Let me see that Huh Isn't that interesting.
But it's not a problem.
See, I know something about societal psychology that you three turd balls don't.
Everything's gonna be fine.
So You guys about done with the soup? Don't you like it, Eric? Well, yeah, no, it's great.
It's just well, what time do you guys usually go out and disrespect the flag and stuff? - What? - Oh, no Don't tell me you guys already disrespected the flag and flipped over cars today? Did I miss it? What the hell are you talking about? I told you not to let him in.
Please, I don't know what to do with all this anger and hurt! I'm sorry your girlfriend broke up with you, Eric, but maybe you'll get back together.
No, no, we've broken up before, but this time is different.
I can tell.
Something's changed with her.
Heidi won't even answer my phone calls.
Heidi? Turner? - The Turners' daughter? - Yeah I thought she was with that Kyle Broflovski kid.
What? I saw them at the park today holding hands.
Kyle? Kyle! Kyle, Kyle! Kyle, Kyle, Kyle! Kyle! Kyle Kyle! [LAUGHING.]
Kyle Yeah.
I should have known.
You lying snake! Cartman, I didn't mean for things to happen the way they did.
Did it bother you that I was happy? Is that why you took her from me, Kyle?! - Cartman, you weren't happy.
- Shut up, Kyle.
All you did was bitch about her all the time! You're not gonna talk your way out of this one! This is the end, Kyle.
It's you or me! - Come on, Cartman, I - You took everything from me! Stop it.
All you've ever done is work to ruin my life! Well, now I'm gonna finally fight back! [BLEEP.]
him up, Eric! Aah! [GRUNTS.]
you, Kyle.
I'm sorry, Cartman.
You just have to accept that Heidi's moved on.
Guys, I just wanna say here's to Heidi! Welcome back to the land of the living! [CHEERING.]
To Heidi! [CHUCKLES.]
Thanks, guys! Thanks for taking me out.
- This is really fun! - No worries! We're just glad you finally came to your senses! Yeah! No kidding! We seriously thought you might marry that piece of shit! [LAUGHTER.]
Well, you know he he actually had some good qualities too.
Uhh, yeah, like what? Racism? Or the sociopath part? [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, I mean, no offense, Heidi, But what the [BLEEP.]
were you thinking?! Guys, she's admitted she made a mistake.
You make a mistake on your homework.
What Heidi did was more like a momentary loss of all sanity.
It was just what I believed in.
Don't worry, Heidi, we're not gonna keep telling you we told you so! But we told you so! [LAUGHTER.]
The only thing I wanna know is How did you bring yourself to actually kiss him? GIRLS: Ew! MILLY: Can you imagine? Eric Cartman's breath on your mouth? - Ew! - Ugh! [IMITATING CARTMAN.]
Heidi, come here.
I want to kiss you with my tongue! - Ew! - [LAUGHS.]
Hi, Eric.
What are you doing here? I don't know.
I think I I just wanna make sure you're doing okay.
I want you to know I'll always care about you.
That's good to know 'cause, like, nothing helps more when you're down than knowing that your girlfriend who broke up with you might care.
I'm sorry that I've hurt you.
I think maybe I am just stupid and I don't know what I want, and it ends up hurting people.
No You need to know something, Heidi None of this is your fault.
- But I'm the one who - No.
Heidi, none of this is your fault.
There's stuff I never told you.
It's time It's time I did.
- Hey.
- Hey! You all set to go? I wanted to talk to you first.
Okay, sure.
Kyle, I've been under a lot of stress lately, and it was all making me really confused.
Yeah, that's understandable.
I was being manipulated, and I didn't even see it.
I never do.
And I don't think you saw it either, Kyle.
What do you mean? I've come to realize that it's not my fault, it's your fault, Kyle.
You made all this happen.
- Made me question who I was - But, Heidi, I thought Shh.
But it's okay.
You can't help it.
It's how you were raised what you were taught.
My heritage is Irish, so I'm prone to being moody.
And you're heritage well, you know You can be a little sneaky sometimes and not even realize it.
I'm sorry, Kyle, but everybody's trying to live life the best they can.
It's hard enough without your people always trying to get ahead.
Dude did she just call me a dirty Jew? Happy anniversary to you Cha, cha, cha.
Happy anniversary to you Cha, cha, cha.
Happy anniversary, Mr.
President Happy anniversary to you [APPLAUSE.]
Congratulations, Mr.
Looks like many more years of the same are to come.
Oh, I don't think so I think the next three years are going to be even better.

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