South Park s21e08 Episode Script

Moss Piglets

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine Okay, guys, it's November, and who can tell me what that means?! Yes, Francis? It's time for the Special Ed Science Fair! ‐Yea! ‐Science fair! That's right! The Science Fair is this weekend, and I know you are all very excited to show the projects you've been working on! - Yea! - Science Fair! This week, we'll be hearing all about your projects, and first up we have Nathan and Mimallah.
For our science fair project, we will be showing the destructive force of nature by simulating a volcano! ‐Ooooh! ‐Ooooh! With vinegar and baking soda, we will make this papier‐mâché volcano explode! ‐Aaah! ‐[GASPS.]
With the power and fury of Mount Kilauea! Our science fair project is sure to be a blast.
Get it? A blast.
All right, what do you guys think of Nathan and Mimallah's project idea? ‐Yay! ‐Yay! We've done it, Mimsey.
We're gonna win the science fair for sure.
And then every chick in this school is gonna want to have sex with us.
Oh, gee, boss, I don't know about sex with no chicken.
Not those chicks, numbskull.
I'm talking about bitches.
You know what girls like? They like winners.
And when we win the science fair, we're gonna be up to our ears in pussy.
Is it just me, or are things around here getting worse and worse? It's definitely not just you.
I think everyone's is shock that Heidi went back to Cartman.
What keeps driving her back to him? It's so weird.
And she's so Mean and angry these days.
People change.
They say you become more and more like the person you're with, and I guess it's true with Heidi.
Hey guys, wassup? Hey, Heidi.
What are you guys talking about? Nothing.
Bullcrap, you're all talking about me again! 'Cause you're judgmental bitches.
Heidi Are you okay? It's just You look I look what? You know, you just look ‐‐ What, I look fat? Is that what you wanna say, Wendy? (BLEEP) you, bitch.
She's just concerned, Heidi.
Meh, myeh, meh, meh, meh, Heidi.
I'm just trying to enjoy my lunch here.
Can I do it without you guys shitting all over me? All right good, Timmy.
Test 42‐A is successful! Let's move on to the next phase.
Well, hello, gentlemen.
Oh, hey, fellas.
We're doing great.
Timmy! Thought we'd stop by to see how your science fair project was going.
I thought we was comin' to rub their faces in how good our science fair project was, boss! Shut up, Mimsey! So, what are you guys working on? Oh, it's fantastic.
This year, Tim‐Tim and I are doing our project on water bears! Ohh, water bears.
You hear that Mimsey? Like there's any such thing as water bears.
That blue Science Fair Ribbon is as good as ours.
Well, we gotta get back to our lava volcano.
Good luck finding your [CHUCKLES.]
water bears.
Oh, would you like to see them? Wha? What are you talking about? Timmy and I have gathered thousands of water bears.
Take a look into the microscope.
Water bears are water‐dwelling, eight legged micro‐animals.
TIMMY: Timmy! They are one of nature's most resilient animals.
Studies have shown they can survive lava and even the vacuum of space.
What ‐‐ How ‐‐ where the (BLEEP) did you learn about these things? Where all good scientists learn from ‐‐ Octonauts.
Octonauts! Some scientists believe the study of water bears is key to human survival.
Aw, gee, that sounds a lot better than a lava volcano, huh, boss? Well not really, because a science fair is supposed to be an experiment.
I fail to see what the experiment is here.
Oh, that's easy! You see, for the past several weeks, Tim‐Tim and me have been training the water bears to respond to different sound waves.
We've found that they respond best to Taylor Swift.
- Hit it, Timmy.
- Oh, look what youmade me do Take a look! Look what you made me do Look what you just made me do Look what you just made me Ooh, look what you made me do We still have some training to do, but we're excited about the results.
I have to admit your lava volcano is pretty great, too! Maybe we could tie for first place.
Come in.
You wanted to see me, Mr.
Mackey? Oh, yes, Heidi! Uh, we just wanted to see if you have transportation to the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend or if you wanted us to set something up for you.
What? Uh, Saturday is the science fair, and you're the judge for the competition.
Judge a special needs science fair?! Ugh, no, thanks.
Well, Heidi is there a problem with you being the judge this weekend? Uh, yeah, it's Saturday, and I don't wanna be at skewl.
But you're always the judge of the Special Ed Science Fair because you're our best science student.
So, now I'm gonna be punished by being forced to judge a bunch of handicapped kids?! But ‐‐ M'kay.
You see the problem is that you volunteered last month, Heidi.
You said you wanted to do it, M'kay.
Well, how can you expect students to commit to things a month in advance? I don't even know what I want for dinner tonight! Look, the kids have worked really hard and have done some amazing projects.
You're gonna force me to come to skew on a Saturday?! Heidi [SIGHS.]
Is everything all right? Oh, what are you gonna call me fat now, too? It just so happens I'm a vegan! Which means it's difficult for me to get enough protein so my body doesn't burn fat, it burns muscle, which makes it look like I'm fat, but I'm actually way healthier than any of you! Heidi, you're judging the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend.
Aw, God damn it! [SNEAKY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Mimsey! Come on! Okay, Nathan! Shhhhh! Shut the (BLEEP) up! [LOCK THUDS.]
Gee, we could get in a lot a trouble.
Y‐you sure we should mess with Jimmy and Timmy's science fair project? Mimsey, do you know what Jimmy is? He's a cockblocker.
Arr, what's a cockblocker? Every time I come up a way to score with the ladies, there's Jimmy trying to one‐up me.
This science fair is supposed to finally make us successful enough to get chicks.
Aw, gee, I don't know if we should use our position of power to exploit women.
I'm not letting those assholes win the science fair.
That's why I say The only good water bears are dead water bears.
This is bullcrap! How can they force me to be the science fair judge?! Now I know how it feels to be a slave! It's not exactly like being a slave, Heidi.
Yes, it is! Am I being paid to judge the science fair? No! Do I have a choice? No.
Ooh, yes, massa! Lemme judge that science fair for ya, sir! God, will you stop? Theresa, don't get all aggro on me because you're pissed off you're family lives in a trailer.
My family doesn't live in a trailer.
We live in a tiny home! My parents downsized to make a smaller footprint on the environment.
That's what I said ‐‐ your family lives in a trailer.
There's lots of progressive people living in tiny homes.
There's five others on our block! Right.
That's called a trailer park.
I don't live in a trailer park! Just don't even respond to her.
Just ignore her.
I'll try, but she's such a bitch.
She wasn't talking to you, Heidi.
Oh! Looks like Isla has something to say, you guys! Hold on, I'm sure this is going to be really profound.
Go ahead, Isla, knock us out with your wit and satire.
This should be good, you guys! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, Heidi! What's up? Oh, hey, babe, what's going on? What are you up to? Nothing just talking to my girlfriends about tiny homes.
Well, hello there, ladies.
Oh, hi, Nathan.
We just wanted to remind you that this weekend is the Special Ed Science Fair.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, that's right.
Pretty sure you'll all be impressed with what you see.
Hope you can make it.
Did you see that, Mimsey? The way those girls bit their bottom lips when I said Science Fair? We're about to be drowning in muff.
Nathan, Mimallah! You gotta get to Special Ed! Special Ed class isn't for another two hours.
No, no! You gotta see this! Jimmy and Timmy's water bears! They've changed! What? ‐Whoa! ‐Ooooh! ‐So cool! ‐I can't believe it.
Jimmy and Timmy, this is incredible! You've somehow made them even smarter! What's going on? Nathan! It's amazing! The water bears we've trained are starting to display social advancements! But they're supposed to be dead! Oof! What social advancements? They've actually evolved to the point of doing the hokey pokey! The hokey pokey? You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around You gotta be (BLEEP) kidding me.
Boys, this might be the single greatest Special Ed Science Fair project I've ever seen! Butters.
Oh! Hey! How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend? Uh, I can't.
I'm going to a birthday party.
Butters, don't be a dick! Yeah don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible.
Yeah, Butters.
God! He's not making it up.
It's my birthday party.
Well, then could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the special needs science fair.
What's wrong with supporting them, they're our friends? Because nobody wants to be trapped in a gym with Special Ed science.
Actually, some of their projects are pretty cool.
‐Shut up, Kyle! ‐Shut up, Kyle! ‐Samesies! ‐Samesies! Look, it's all just a complete waste of time! It's not like a Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society! [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
Move! Move aside, kids! Official business! Move it, children! Excuse me, can I help you? We understand that you're about to have a science fair With some very interesting experiments.
That's right.
The science fair is this Saturday from 10:00 a.
To 2:00 p.
We're here to help however we can.
Your Special Ed department has all our resources and our support.
This science fair just might be what saves us all.
What the hell is going on?! Everywhere I turn, people are being given handouts while I'm forced to work my ass off! It's total bullshit! Yeah.
Uh, babe I understand that you're pissed off, but, um, you know, it is recess.
Maybe we should relax and have some fun.
Relax? How can I relax?! I get straight A's! I ace every test! And who gets all the support? The Special Ed department! [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
Bring it on in.
These kids need to have access to everything they need.
Wow, look at this, Tim Tim.
They've all been researching water bears, too! That's correct.
Like you, we've come to realize that water bears are the the key to our future.
Are these the special water bears we read about on your school message board? That's right.
The water bears we've been working with appear to be evolving somehow.
Then they are the key to our survival, boys.
Gentlemen, perhaps I can interest you in a lava volcano.
You won't believe your eyes when I add some simple baking soda.
There's no time for that.
We need everyone working on Jimmy and Timmy's project.
I'm gonna let you kids all in on a little secret.
We don't want to create a panic, but the end is very near and we have very little time.
HEIDI: Fellow students, I have asked to speak today because of the hypocrisy and bullying that is coming from the administration at this so‐called skewl.
It is an outrage that our principal and counselors demand our participation in frivolous programs that are outrageously overfunded.
Why is it that the school allows funding that only goes to special‐needs students? Are the rest of us not special? If we are continually asked to work for no money and ask our parents to pay for our programs, then soon we will all be poor and forced to live in a trailer park, like Theresa.
It's not a trailer! Theresa, get over it.
You live in a trailer park.
It's not a big deal.
Oh, o‐okay, honey.
You're kind of getting off topic, sweetie.
What did you say?! I just ‐‐ I just want you to stay on point so we can get this over with.
"Get this over with"?! You're supposed to be supporting me! I am supporting you, sweetheart.
Being supportive doesn't mean you criticize me, asshole! Just forget it! My point is, if the school administration doesn't cancel the science fair, I will see to it that they are all fired for discrimination! She's kind of like Cartman but with the ability to follow through.
Oh, dude.
Francis, could you hand me the sound‐wave generator? This is bullshit.
The Special Ed Science Fair is turning into a love‐fest for Jimmy and Timmy's project.
They're gonna get all the fame and glory.
Yeah, I guess we kind of shot ourselves in the foot, huh, boss? If it weren't for us, those water bears wouldn't have even gotten smarter in the first place.
Hey, Mimsey.
That's right.
They don't deserve the credit.
We do.
NATHAN: Uh, excuse me.
If you're all trying to figure out why these water bears are different, you're talking to the wrong guy.
Wh‐What do you mean, Nathan? Mimsey and I did some experimenting with the water bears on our own ‐‐ We was tryin' to kill 'em! [SLAP!.]
It was us who made them evolve.
So we should be the ones working for the government.
The government? W‐We aren't the government.
Y‐You're not the government? But you said you were here to help stop us from becoming extinct.
Not you, us.
We're with the NFL.
Our fans are leaving at an exponential rate.
We've been hit with anthem protests, protests to those protests, and, worse of all, concussions.
The more reports that come out, the more people are getting turned off by football.
We've been experimenting with water bears because we believe they are our last hope.
Oh, I get it! You've been experimenting with water bears to see how to make humans more impervious to concussions.
We've been experimenting with water bears to try and make them fans.
SPORTSCASTER #1: A beautiful night for football here in Los Angeles as the Chargers take on the Buffalo Bills.
SPORTSCASTER #2: And a record sellout crowd here at the stadium.
Football clearly more popular than ever, with a whopping 17 million in attendance! The NFL, of course, working really hard to reach new viewers, and it looks like they've found their answer in tardigrades.
The water bears are thrilled to be here, and, of course, love seeing themselves on the jumbotron.
They're all ready for some football, and enjoying the fan‐favorite kiss cam! And we're ready for kickoff as the cheers of 17 million fans rock the stadium! [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
We're running out of time.
We have to see if these water bears truly are different.
Insert the box! Gently.
What do you see now? NATHAN: Uh I see the box.
What‐‐ What's in the box? What are the water bears doing? Uh, they're just walking around, and ‐‐ Oh, wait! They appear to be interested in the box! These water bears are different.
All right, everyone, listen up! Give me your attention, please.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, we are canceling the Special Ed Science Fair.
‐Oh, no! Canceling? ‐[GASPS.]
What? You can't cancel the science fair.
We're on the verge of a breakthrough here.
It's canceled.
You guys can all get this shit out of here and leave.
Thank you.
You don't understand! The Special Ed Science Fair is our only hope! I'm sorry, but, uh, our hands are tied by Heidi.
I think you all fail to understand the seriousness of our situation ‐‐ Football is dying! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Close the door! Everyone back to work.
Nobody will stop this Special Ed Science Fair! Do what he says! Aah! Okay! Jesus Christ! Are you just gonna stand there? Do something! What the hell do you want me to do? I want you to have some balls and act like you care about me! Heidi, you need to stop being such a bitch! Call me a "bitch" again.
Do it.
Call me a "bitch" again.
You are acting like a bad girlfriend.
That's what I thought! NATHAN: Hey, wait a minute! The water bears have changed again.
I think it's working.
Let me see that! Yes! Yes, they're starting to adapt! Son of a bitch.
We just might have ourselves some fans.
Now, quickly, children.
We must replicate these water bears to create more! If nobody else is gonna do anything, I will! Wha‐‐ The water bears! [NFL PEOPLE CLAMORING.]
‐Get her! ‐Stop her! MAN: She's over here! [SPECIAL ED STUDENTS CLAMORING.]
Heidi, will you please listen to me?! Move it! Get the (BLEEP) outta the way! I said get outta the way, you assholes! ‐ Get her! ‐ She's over here! [NFL PEOPLE CLAMORING.]
We got the fat girl.
Front of the school.
Shit! Little girl, stop.
It doesn't have to end this way.
Move aside! Move aside! [PANTING.]
Heidi, seriously you need to listen to me.
I don't have to listen to anybody.
Yes, you do.
You need to listen.
(BLEEP) you.
No (BLEEP) you.
Little girl, please.
What you have in your hand is very special.
Well, I'm sick of everyone treating me like shit.
Think about the NFL ‐‐ how much joy it brings everyone.
Don't listen to them.
Give the water bears to me.
I deserve all the fame and bitches.
Heidi, you gotta stop being so angry.
Look, if you ‐‐ if you don't do it for the NFL, what about humanity? Those creatures are showing the first signs of sentience.
Think about what they could mean for science, for medicine, making people better.
Come on, babe.
We all want the old Heidi back.
Screw all you guys.
Is there something you wanna talk about? No, I was just trying to figure out why you decided to drink 20,000 micro animals that were showing signs of intelligence.
It's Saturday, and I'm not in school.
Yeah, you're ‐‐ you're not in school.
How come we never snuggle anymore? Wh‐What? We used to snuggle all the time, and it's totally gone away.
What's happened? Well, bunny, we still ‐‐ Snuggle! Yes, yes, let's ‐‐ let's snuggle, yes.
God damn it! How come there's nothing to watch on Saturday but kids' cartoons? All right, kids! Now let's do the hokey pokey! You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out - You put your left foot in - [STOMACH GROWLING.]
What's going on in nya? Whoa.
What is going on in nya? I feel something moving around.
Ahp ‐‐ [FARTS.]
Snuggle! Okay.
Okay, honey.
Well? Did you have any luck, Mr.
Jones? I'm afraid, Commissioner, that the Special Ed Science Fair failed to produce more viable water bears.
Then the NFL truly has no hope.
We're done for.
Not quite.
We were able to obtain something else that just might be our future.
TOGETHER: Ohh! Call me a "bitch" again.
Do it.
Call me a "bitch" again.
You are acting like a bad girlfriend.
That's what I thought!
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