South Park s22e03 Episode Script

The Problem with a Poo

1 People, it's time we faced some hard truths.
The town is looking to us for answers, and all we keep doing is burying our heads.
We need to cut the budget for this year's Christmas pageant.
My God.
I've asked the director of the holiday show to stop by so we can all give him the news.
He's not going to take this well.
If he doesn't, we should just let him go.
God knows it's about time.
Hey, a lot of people like him, all right? Yeah, and lot of people think he stinks.
Let's just get this over with.
All right, send him in.
Howwwwdy ho! You wanted to see me? Better hurry.
We only have two months before Christmas! Mr.
Hankey, we called you in to let you know that your Christmas-pageant funding has been cut.
By half.
What? But I can barely make a good Christmas show with what I have! We just don't have the support for the Christmas show that we used to.
The truth is, some people find you offensive.
Offensive? What about me is offensive? Some people think that shit isn't the best representation of Christmas.
You You people can't do this.
Christmas is the most magical time of the year.
The decision has already been made.
Thank you, Mr.
Hankey, and good luck with the show.
Okay, stop.
Kids, the song's called "Deck the Halls," not "Let's All Suck Balls.
" Now, come on, kids.
Why do we have to do this now? Yeah, It's not even Halloween yet.
Restoration Hardware put up their Christmas decorations two weeks ago, all right?! Now, listen, I didn't want this, either.
I wanted the Denver Symphony.
But they cut my budget, and I'm stuck with you.
Now, let's take it from the top! Vice Principal Strong Woman? Yes, PC Principal? I was seeing if there's anything you might want to discuss with me.
What would we need to discuss? I am so sorry that I took advantage of my position and manipulated you into a physical encounter.
Hey, I am a strong woman, all right? I don't get manipulated.
We both are guilty of an ill-advised relationship at the workplace, but that was long ago, and I have decided to move forward.
Are you sure we can move forward? Why not? We make a mistake, we move forward.
I was just thinking there might still possibly be some fallout from Nope.
We're just gonna forget about it and put it to rest.
You don't think there's anything else to dis to discuss? No, I don't.
- Dude.
- What? Did you read what Mr.
Hankey tweeted last night? What Mr.
Hankey tweeted? Yeah, I guess after band rehearsals, he went on Twitter to talk about us.
Jesus Christ, dude.
Santa Claus is on his way He's loaded goodies on his sleigh He'll drop 'em off on Christmas Day Mr.
Hankey? Oh, Kyle! Howwwwwdy ho! Mr.
Hankey, everyone's really mad at you.
Were you on Twitter last night? Yeeeahhhh.
Did you tweet, "The kids of South Park" are retarded homos who can't play music"? Eeeeeyeeaaahhhhh.
Why would you tweet that?! All the kids are really pissed off! It was a bad attempt at a joke.
I'm sorry.
Will you please tell the kids I didn't mean it? What do you want me to say? The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night, so I took some Ambien.
You ever take that stuff? It turns your brains into oatmeal.
Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm.
We've gotta focus on Christmas! All right, everyone, listen up.
The vice principal has asked to speak with you today.
She believes it is time that we all as a school finally discussed in vitro fertilization.
That's right, kids.
Many women today make the choice to have children without a man in their lives.
They can have their eggs fertilized by an unknown person's sperm in a lab.
That's right, Strong Woman.
In today's society, it is wrong to just assume that a pregnant woman had intercourse with a man.
St-Students at this school need to be careful, because it can be offensive to asks questions like "Who's the father?" You You all right, Strong Woman? I'm fine.
So So, we'd like to have all our students talk to their parents tonight about in vitro fertilization, and after that, let's just put the whole issue behind us.
That's my water breaking.
Not a big deal.
Christmas time It's Christmas time Christmas time Yeah, Christmas time Hankey! We need to talk about what you tweeted! Oh, I'm so sorry.
I took Ambien two nights ago, and I called the schoolkids homos.
No, I'm talking about what you tweeted last night.
"The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists.
" Oh.
Oh, geez.
Did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, do not take Ambien.
Okay? Whew! I'm afraid we have no other option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council.
Fire me? No, no, no, please.
I'm really sorry.
No, wait! Wait! Please give me another chance.
Don't do this! What about Christmas? It's okay.
We'll be at the hospital soon.
Just keep breathing.
I didn't need your help.
I'm just a co-worker helping another co-worker in need.
Yeah, well, people might get the wrong idea! I have worked my whole life to be the strongest woman possible a person little girls could look up to.
If those girls thought that I was the type to get knocked up by my boss I certainly do not want to put any pressures on you as a female, but at times I wonder if there is more we should discuss.
There's nothing to discuss! I made a mistake, and I am moving forward! My civil rights are under attack.
They can't just fire me from the Christmas show! The whole thing is my creation! Uh, last night, you tweeted, "The city council can suck my Mexican dick.
" It was a joke.
Look at me! I don't even have a dick! Get it? Okay, okay, look, I know It wasn't a good joke.
But it really wasn't my fault.
The fact is, I went home last night, and I was angry.
I couldn't sleep, so I took some Ambien.
And then I started tweeting.
Ambien messes with my head.
You ever take that crap? You want us to take this up against Ambien? They have the best lawyers in the world.
Well, I thought maybe I could get them in a defecation lawsuit.
And I never, ever would've said those things about the city council, but the Ambien makes me kind of black out.
I'm sorry, sir, but we don't represent pieces of shit.
Why not? Argh.
And I just thought maybe we could convince the city council to hire me back.
Look, I'm sorry, but I learned a long time ago that if you defend poop, you get stained.
- Mr.
Hankey? - Oh.
Howwwwdy ho.
What are you doing here? Just trying to find some help.
There isn't a lawyer in town who will take me.
Wait a minute You! You're the son of a lawyer.
You have lawyer blood inside your veins! You can help me with my defecation lawsuit, Kyle! Me? What can I do? Please, Kyle.
You're the only person left who can help me.
You and me, pal, we are gonna fight the system! Paging Dr.
Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies with no epidural.
I must say, she's a very strong woman.
That she is.
The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away.
There are her babies right there.
Oh, dude.
Yes, cute, little buggers, aren't they? Three boys and two girls.
I think it's wrong to force gender specification upon them at this young age.
That's exactly what their mother said.
The quints are all Caucasian, blue-eyed, and something kind of weird.
What's that? Well, the babies are all extremely PC, the likes of which I have never seen.
Watch this.
Three black guys walk into a bar It's okay! It's okay! They left! They left! Doctor, would it be possible for me to hold the PC Babies? I'm sorry.
That's only for the mother and father.
Though, according to the vice principal, the father doesn't even exist.
You guys! Hey, guys! I think I figured it out.
What? How to get Mr.
Hankey another chance.
There's by-laws in the city council that community service leaders can't be terminated without a hearing.
I need you guys there as character witnesses.
Not getting the stink on me.
He has a right to be heard.
He's meant a lot to this town.
Dude, why do you keep defending him, Kyle? Yeah, you know everyone in town thinks he's a piece of shit.
Come on, guys.
We can't just turn our backs.
How many times has Mr.
Hankey been there for us? Mmm, once, kind of? Look, he messed up, but I don't know if he deserves everything that's coming down on him.
I wanna stand by my friend.
Mm, let's see how that goes for you in 2018.
Vice Principal? My babies! Where are they? Shh.
It's okay.
The babies are fine.
Resting in the nursery.
They're the most They're the most PC babies I've ever seen.
You shouldn't be here.
People will start getting suspicious! Look, I was the one who abused my position and took advantage of a subordinate Nobody took advantage of me! Not took advantage.
- You know what I'm saying.
- And I'm a strong woman! All I want to do is help.
We can say I'm the manny.
And if anyone has a problem with that, then they have a problem with gender biases, and they can take it up with me! We can keep the truth about the babies totally hidden.
Oh, yes, that curriculum should be fine for the students.
I'll start working on an all-school proposal.
Oh, yes, very good, Vice Principal.
See that it is done by back-to-school night.
All right, Mommy! Your little bundles of joys are here.
Oh, and who's this.
I am the manny.
Anyone have a problem with that? No, not at all.
Everything good here? Aw! Are these PC babies? And now, live from the town courthouse, It's the Hankey Hearings on South Park 13.
Hankey? 14 hours ago, did you or did you not say, "Everyone in South Park is a goddamn douche bag"? Yes.
That was a bad attempt at a Christmas joke.
But there's nothing in that statement about Christmas.
That's was I said, it was a bad attempt.
What part of the statement was actually You wanna hear a good Christmas joke? In 2005, you said that You said that you had no recollection Sorry.
I got the sniffles.
Hankey, do you understand how important these statements are to the citizens of this town? All I understand is, it's only eight weeks until Christmas.
If we don't stop wasting our time, we're all gonna miss out on the most magical part of the whole year.
What did you mean last night when you tweeted, "The Mayor of South Park is a titless whore"? Oh, come on! It was a joke! That's it! That's it.
I've had enough of this whole (BLEEP) sham! (BLEEP) all you and (BLEEP) this whole system! It's Christmastime! It's okay.
We just need to get some diapers.
Oh, what adorable little babies! Thank you.
My, they look very PC! Oh no, no.
They're not very PC, at all.
Aww! Look at the PC babies! They actually aren't PC.
No? Did you hear Monica Lewinsky's becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Oh, God.
Shhhh! No, no, no, no, no! Shhhh! Is everything all right? - Oh, look! More PC babies! - They're everywhere! I told you we need to shop separately! Excuse me, where is the Oriental food aisle? Quiet! There's PC babies! Gee-whiz.
Thanks for comin' out with me, Kyle.
These days, it's like you're my only friend.
So what's the plan, huh? What you got figured out to get my job back? I had a plan.
You decided to call the mayor a titless whore.
Oh, it was a joke, Kyle.
Sometimes, when I take Ambien, I'm really groggy and moody the next day.
It's a real side affect.
It's printed right on the bottle! I don't know how much longer I can defend you.
People are starting to think I'm shitty.
Kyle, don't you understand this whole thing is a smear campaign? Why are people focusing on a few stupid words I said when Christmas is just around the corner?! It's like everyone's forgot about what Christmas means Oh, my God! Kyle! That's it! The holiday spirit! It's October! And that's the point! Don't you see? What we need to do is get everyone in the Christmas mood! We can bring the whole spirit of the holidays early! Okay, you do that.
No, no, no.
Kyle, you gotta help me! I can't do this alone.
I have homework and stuff! You're all I have! Even my wife left with the nuggets 'cause of all the pressure! - Please! - Okay, fine! I'll help you.
But listen to me, I don't care how restless you get tonight.
No Ambien.
Well, maybe just a "liddol" if I really can't sleep.
No! None! If you want my help this time, you aren't taking any Ambien tonight.
- That's the deal! - Yay! It's a deal! Oh, boy! Kyle, I'm so excited! We're gonna bring the spirit of Christmas to South Park! Aww, look at the little PC babies! Uh, no.
We're from Missouri.
I know a PC baby when I see one! Who loves social justice? Who's the future? Who's the big bad future? Yes, they are.
Aww, PC babies! All right.
Please, move along folks.
We don't want the babies to get excited.
Hello, South Park! Come on, everybody! Get over here! Who wants to see a miracle?! Howwwwdy ho, everyone! Guess what time it is? It's Christmastime! Deck the halls and trim the trees Christmastime is here Gonna sing and flush our worries away It's the best time of the year That's right, everybody! Who loves the holidays? Just like when Christ was born, let's all be with our mothers and fathers Let's not forget that boys and girls all over the world are Hey! Hey, careful! You're upsetting the PC babies! The PC what? Listen! Christmas season means peace on earth and good will towards men.
Uh, uh, look, what is the holiday season about? It's about loving each other, right? Loving and What?! What are they crying about now? Sometimes, PC Babies don't even know what they're crying about.
Well, then tell the babies to shut the (BLEEP) up! Who the (BLEEP) brings a goddamn baby to a Christmas show anyway?! Mr.
Hankey, stop! Lemme go, Kyle! These people are idiots! Mommy, something stinks.
Yeah, like shit.
You stand up for all pieces of crap? Asshole! Kyle, listen.
It was 3:00 a.
last night, and I still hadn't slept, so I d Kyle! Kyle, please! They're gonna run me out of town, Kyle.
They're going to erase me and everything I ever did.
You want them to erase me, too? Kyle we can all be shitty sometimes.
They're so strong like their mother.
They're so PC, like whoever their father is.
We'll never keep them quiet.
Our only hope is to keep them hidden.
Can they ever know that I'm their dad? We did the most un-PC thing imaginable.
Think about what that would do to them.
We can never let them know the debaucherous, sickening circumstances that brought them into this world.
Then, I'll just try to be the best principal to them that I possibly can.
And I'll be their strongest vice principal, and hopefully the world will calm down and not do anything to upset them.
Today South Park says goodbye to Mr.
The longtime union of this town and the holiday figure is over for good.
We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop.
Well, everyone I guess this is goodbye.
It sure has been swell- No good-byes, Hankey.
You just need to go.
We've already called you a "Poober.
" A Poober They have that? Oh, you mean Lyft.
Well, okay.
Goodbye, everyone.
I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.
Goodbye, Mr.
Where will he go? He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him.
There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.
Howwwwwdy ho! Cool, man.
Talking crap.
Welcome, my friend.
Please, rest your wary feet and make yourself at home here! Hooray!
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