South Park s22e05 Episode Script

The Scoots

1 LES: I'm goin' down to South Park Gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation LES: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" LES: Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! LES: Come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine NARRATOR: October was always my favourite month.
It was that misty season when everyone embraced the weird and scary.
Our little town was no different.
I was just a kid back then.
Me and all the other children were preparing for the greatest night of the year.
But this Halloween was different, and it would change us all forever.
Whoa! What the Hey, who left their scooter here, m'kay? Whose damn scooter is this? TOWNSPERSON: It isn't anybody's! They're e-scooters.
Anyone can use 'em.
E-scooters? Yeah.
See? There's a bunch here and a bunch more down there.
Ohh! Everyone can use them to get around town, you know? Leave 'em where they want for the next person.
Well, where the hell did they all come from?! Nobody knows.
So, anyone can use them? Yeah.
I think they just work with your cellphone.
How? Oh, yeah, it has one of those little scan thingies.
Let me see.
Yeah, dude, it's downloading an app! Cool! Uh, It wants a credit card number.
You want to use your mom's or my mom's? Let's do your mom's.
3715-523 - Is that an Amex? - Yeah.
You want a Visa? 8292-438-776-6507.
Expiration? 12/23.
- Security co - 921.
Dude, it worked! [SCOOTER WHIRS.]
How is it, dude? Pretty stupid, but sweet! Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! - What? We should use these things to trick or treat on Halloween! Hey, yeah! We could cover so much more ground! We'd get, like, more candy than anybody.
Everybody get the app! This is gonna be the best Halloween ever! Oh, wait, guys.
I don't have a phone.
Oh, yeah, Kenny doesn't have a phone 'cause he's poor.
Well, that's okay.
We'll figure it out.
We always do! TOGETHER: All right! [ENGINE SHUTS OFF.]
What What the (BLEEP) is going on in? [DOORBELL JINGLES.]
How can I help you? I'm just gettin' my Halloween candy.
Want to make sure to get enough.
Last year, I ran out, and the kids egged my house.
M'kay? Yeah, you don't want to run out of candy on Halloween.
I'll take three large bags each of Snickers Fun Size, Payday Bite Size, Almond Joy Snack Size, and Reese's Teenie Weenie Size.
M'kay? Sounds like you want to be prepared.
Hey, c-can I ask you something? W-What's up with all these damn scooters? Oh, I think you get an app on your phone and you can use them all over town.
No, but, like, where did they come from? You know, it's like one day, everything was fine, and the next, there were these (BLEEP) scooters everywhere.
You don't like scooters? I just think people should drive, m'kay? I don't think people should scoot.
I just I just hope the future isn't scootin'.
Well, they seem pretty convenient.
What can be so wrong about that? Happy Halloween.
Whoo-hoo! Hey, dude! Check it out! I got my pail.
You got your pail.
Yup! Come on in, Kenny.
Let's talk.
Go ahead.
Take a seat, Ken.
Okay, Kenny, here's the deal.
Uh, you know that we have this awesome plan to trick or treat on e-scooters this year.
You don't have a phone.
Kenny, we've been talking, and the truth is, without a scooter, you're just gonna slow us down.
It's probably best you trick or treat with someone else this year.
But we always trick or treat together.
Yeah, but that's just it, Kenny.
To use a scooter, you have to have a phone, and I mean, if we're waiting for you, we're gonna be as slow as all the other kids.
It's like you know.
Guys, please.
Look, Kenny, I always told you that one day, being poor was gonna catch up with you.
Okay? But you didn't want to listen.
You just kept on being poor, and now it's Halloween, and you don't have a cellphone.
Okay, okay.
Cartman, that's not the point.
He needs to hear this, Kyle.
You know, people are just poor, and they think it's not gonna come back - to bite them in the ass.
- That's enough, dude! We're sorry, Kenny.
It's just This awesome plan to get shitloads of candy doesn't work with you.
Shouldn't have been poor, Kenny.
There was a wee cooper what lived in Fife Knickety, knackety, noo noo noo Hey, Willy-wallacky, hey, John Dougal A lane quo rooshety roo roo roo [SONG PLAYS ON RADIO.]
- Whoa, shit! M'kay! - [TIRES SCREECH.]
Hey, you had a goddamn red light! SCOOTER GUY: Sorry.
Jesus Christ.
Hey! - Sorry.
- What the hell? Look at my car! Who's gonna pay for - Sorry, dude! - God damn it! Get off the God damn streets with those things! [TIRES SQUEAL.]
SCOOTER GUY: Sorry, bro! [THUD.]
Oh (BLEEP) me! As soon as the school bell rings, we find the nearest scooters and begin trick or treating In butters' neighborhood here.
- Then at 3:00 p.
Sh Sh Sh Shit! Cover it! Cover it! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hey, Kenny.
Hey, dude.
Uh, look.
I was wondering, do you think I could trick or treat with you guys this year? You wanna trick or treat with us? What about Stan and Kyle and those guys? Oh, you know, I just thought I'd switch it up this year, ha ha.
Yeah, look.
Don't tell anybody, but, um we're gonna trick or treat on e-scooters this year.
We're seriously gonna rake in the candy.
Problem is, e-scooters work with a phone, and pretty sure you don't h-have I won't slow you guys down.
I swear! Dude, it's trick or treat.
It's not something we're willing to just mess around with, okay? Good luck.
What the hell? Aah! - [THUD.]
- SCOOTER GUY: Agh! - Sorry, dude.
- God damn it, where'd you get that? Oh, they're all over, dude.
Super convenient.
Try it out.
Hey, guys! So, listen! I was thinking maybe I'd trick or treat with guys this year! You wanna trick or treat with us? Why? Oh, you know! Just trying to be gender neutral! Ha ha ha.
So, uh, you guys think you're gonna get a lot of candy trick or treating this year? We're gonna get a butt load of candy! Shh! Butters, don't tell them our secret.
Oh, we have a little secret, too! But we're not gonna tell people 'cause they're gonna copy us, so let's just leave it at that.
Fine by us.
- So what are you gonna be for Halloween? - Be? I'm gonna be on an e-scooter taking all your candy! That's what I'm gonna be! - Dude! - Sorry! Hey, wait.
That's what we're doing! - What? - Hold on! You guys are using e-scooters on Halloween, too? Oh, you jerks found out the girls are all trick or treating on e-scooters, and you stole our idea! Okay.
Hold on! This is bullcrap! [KIDS ARGUING INDISTINCTLY.]
It was the day before Halloween.
All of our parents were gathered together to try and stop a nightmare from coming true.
All right, everyone.
Quiet, please.
We have a community crisis on our hands, and it's my job to keep you informed.
As you know, there's been a rise in the use of e-scooters in our town.
Officer Brown is head of crisis control.
Officer? We have inside information that kids everywhere are going to be using e-scooters for tricks or treats.
Now, with these things, kids and teens can cover a lot of ground in very little time.
They can hit more houses than ever before.
Because of the scooters, we also expect that people from all the neighboring counties Will commute for tricks or treats in our town.
Because of all of this, we believe each household needs to be prepared with at least $6,000 worth of candy.
Well, that's ridiculous! We We can't all buy that much candy! Let's just get rid of those scooters! - That's right! - Let's do it! You can't get rid of 'em! I tried! You all just sat there while those things piled up on our sidewalks.
You all rode 'em around, m'kay? I saw you.
You could have used your cars, but you just had to scoot! And now tricks or treats is here! Well, I'll tell you one thing I'm not gonna let my house get egged this year For not having enough candy! So what are we gonna do?! We gotta get more candy! [PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
Get! Go on! Get out of my way! Look, I got nothin' left, all right? What did you G-Give me some of those Hi-Chews! Those are already accounted for by folks who called in! Then let me let me have the Whatchamacallits! Those are for me! I got to protect my own house! Look, you've got to give me some more (BLEEP) candy! [SCREAMING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE.]
- There's nothin' left here.
You gotta go somewhere else.
Where Where's the candy, m'kay? Candy? What aisle is the candy in? Aisle 7.
7! Aisle 7! [SCARY MUSIC PLAYS.]
20 Reese's Pieces, 1 Twix, 16 Raisinets - [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Just Just a minute! 12 Hot Tamales, half a Nestle Crun - [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Okay, come in! What do you want? I-I just It's Halloween, and I should be happy.
But I'm not happy at all.
Are you here for counseling? Yeah! What should I do? I'm gonna miss trick-or-treating.
It sucks.
Do you realize it's about to be World War Three out there?! We have bigger problems! Consider yourself lucky, m'kay? Everyone's gonna be scootin', and there's no way to stop it.
Why are you the one kid who doesn't want to use them? I can't use one.
I don't have a phone.
What do you mean? Y-You can't use those things without a phone? No.
It sucks.
Halloween was used to be a night without phones.
But, Kenny, if that's true, then could there be a way to cut the connection? I don't know.
I guess.
Wait a minute.
Take down the cellphone tower.
Then nobody has a phone on Halloween! Jesus! You really think that could work?! Yeah I just have to ride 30 minutes outside of town! Oh, wait.
I can't.
I don't have a scooter.
You don't need a scooter.
'Cause I got a (BLEEP)in' car.
Hello? Hey, Randy.
Linda and I, we we were talking about how we never see you guys anymore, and we were thinking we'd hang out with you for Halloween.
Oh, I see.
You want a place to hide on Halloween night, and you thought out here on the farm, you'd be safe.
Well, that and we really want to hang with you guys.
Yes! You think them fancy e-scooters don't make it out here? We're gonna be bombarded just like you city folk.
Then please, Randy, could we just borrow a little candy? I got to keep what I have.
Please, Randy, the stores are all out! Just a few Milky Ways to get us through the first couple hours, please! We can cut 'em up! We can We can hand them out little pieces at a time! I got to protect my own, Stotch.
I'm sorry.
What are we going to do?! It's okay, Linda! It's okay! On Halloween night, I'll I'll just get one of those e-scooters myself.
I'll go around, and I'll trick-or-treat.
I'll I'll get a bunch of No, you can't leave me alone! I'll get a bunch of candy, Linda, and I'll bring it back to our house for us to hand out! It's going to be okay.
Here! Here, take it! Just take it! Oh, God! Sheila, more 3 Musketeers! SHEILA: We're out of those! We can't be out! There has to be more! Jesus Christ! Where'd all these other people come from?! We have to get more candy than anyone else, even if we die! [TIRES SCREECHING.]
The tower should be just up over that ridge.
Let's just hope to hell this works.
What gives them the right, huh? I mean some big company came and dumped a bunch of scooters everywhere without asking anyone if it was okay.
Yeah, people don't even care if shit's dumped everywhere.
Everyone just loves technology.
Yeah, you're right.
You're a good kid, Kenny.
I always thought so.
I know we kind of all forget about you sometimes, but you're smart and compassionate.
You might even make a good counselor someday.
- Whoa! - [TIRES SCREECH.]
Keep going Ned! Don't you give up on me! Move it! Get out of my way! Trick or treat! The hell you doing, Stotch? Happy Halloween! Trick or treat! You're just trying to get our candy for your house! That's not true.
You don't even have a costume! Yes I do! I'm Meagan Kelly! Now trick or treat! That's it! I can't go anymore! Keep moving, Kyle! Dude, we can't carry any more candy! All right, over here.
Come on! What are we doing? We got to make room for more candy.
Come on.
Eat as much as you can.
I don't I don't know if I can keep doing this.
Yes, you can, Kyle! I have any more [RETCHES.]
Find a way inside! I'll climb the tower! Okay, sounds good! [SHOUTS.]
Jesus Christ! Chh, chh, chh, haa, haa, haa.
I'm all out of candy, all right?! Go look somewhere else! We're not here for tricks or treats! Yeah, sure! That's what the last people said.
Then they dumped my entire bowl in a pillow case! Dude, relax.
It's okay.
I'm just a security guard, all right? We never even used to have trick-or-treaters out this far! That's why we have to take down this cellphone tower to stop the scooters.
Jason, I'm a counselor.
You need to trust me.
There's a bowl of Rice Krispie treats at the side door! The side door, you animals! Detective, look! We are two hours ahead here.
New York has completely run out of candy! [STATIC.]
Butters? We've lost butters! Oh, God.
We're never going to have enough candy! [METAL CLINKING.]
Okay, that's got it! All right, Kenny! Let's see you do this with a goddamn scooter! [TIRES SQUEAL.]
NARRATOR: And just like that, it was over.
Nobody knew what happened.
They only knew their phones didn't work.
Does anyone have a signal? No scooters, no texting, not even GPS.
It was like the old Halloween.
And I can't get an Uber home! NARRATOR: Mr.
Mackey was able to get back to the town and offer counseling to everyone who needed it.
And as for me, I was able to spend the rest of the night with my friends because we were all equal again.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat! NARRATOR: It was the last Halloween that still felt like Halloween.
It was the last time it was good.

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