South Park s22e07 Episode Script

Nobody Got Cereal?

1 LES: I'm goin' down to South Park Gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation LES: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" LES: Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! LES: Come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine [BELL JINGLES.]
Oh, my Gosh! Oh, honey! I can't believe you went to Jared! This is a new beginning for us, darling.
I'm just so excited for our future.
MAN: Ooooh, yeah! Take that, cop! You want some, too, sheriff?! Yeah! There you go, bitch! Another dead cop! And another one! Yeah, you want some, too, copper?! You want a piece of this, you god damn pigs?! Officer, you have to let us out of here! We don't have much time! Yeah, that's the last cop.
Let's get outta here! Sir, you have to listen to us.
ManBearPig is real.
Oh, God.
Here we go again.
"We gotta stop ManBearPig! We gotta take it serious!" But we do! ManBearPig is gonna kill everyone, and he is not gonna stop! Oh, well, then I guess I don't have to do anything about it.
Can you get off your god damn video game for five (BLEEP) seconds so we can have a conversation? Where the hell is Al Gore? Why isn't he coming for us? Nobody's coming for us, Stan.
They think we're murderers.
And that's why we have to break out of here ourselves.
- Excuse me, officer? - Shut up.
I don't wanna hear anything about ManBearPig and how we're all doomed.
No, it's not that.
It's just I noticed you're still riding you're horse all the way back to camp.
Trains and stagecoaches don't go to my camp.
No they don't, but you can use cinematic mode to make it way easier on yourself.
What the hell are you talking about? [SCREAMING IN DISTANCE, EXPLOSIONS.]
All right, everyone.
I realize a lot of people have died and most of the roads have been destroyed due to all the fires, so I'd like to thank you all for coming to tonight's symposium - "When Should I Start to Worry?" - [SIRENS WAIL IN DISTANCE.]
I'd like to make this an open discussion and hope we can all participate in ways that give better insight.
Yes, Mr.
Clarkson? I'm pretty sure there's a ManBearPig.
And I'm fairly certain that he has eaten two of my children and destroyed our home.
When should I start to worry? That's an excellent question.
There's definitely evidence that all the death and destruction around us is due to a ManBearPig.
But no exact correlation to a ManBearPig.
Definitely not, and that's why we are all here, to try to pinpoint when should I start to worry? I think that the time to start worrying is coming.
I don't know if I believe in ManBearPig or not, but I do know that I'm open to the idea of starting to worry.
I think Stephen echoes a lot of our feelings right now.
Arghhh! Foolish mortals! Your time is nigh! Face your end! Um, it looks like Satan is here.
Should I start to worry? [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
Stan?! We broke out of jail, Dad.
Come on.
Get outta sight.
Cartman tricked the guard.
We all ran home to be with our parents.
- Where's Mom? - Your mom's been out trying to find you a lawyer and a therapist.
We've been doing all we can, son! Dad, that thing we saw take Ned It was ManBearPig.
It was real.
What are you talking about.
It was just a bear.
No, Dad! It's Why do you keep looking at the TV? What? Why? I dunno.
What? You've been playing "Red Dead Redemption"? A little bit! I mean, when I'm not doing all the stuff for you.
I thought you were working on getting me out! Sorry! I needed a little break.
You're all the way to Saint Denis?! That's like 40 hours of gameplay! How could you Are you high right now? I'm a little high, yes! Oh, my God.
Oh, what?! I'm sorry! I'm sorry I needed to decompress with all this shit going on.
I can't believe you would get high and play video games while your son is in jail! You're such an asshole! Well, at least I'm not a school shooter! It wasn't me! It was a demon named ManBearPig! Oh, whatever! "ManBearPig! ManBearPig!" You sound like your freakin' grandpa.
Yeah, because I learned a lot about Woah, woah.
What are you talking about, "I sound like grandpa"? He's been talking about ManBearPig coming since I was (BLEEP) 14.
It's nothing new.
Someone made a deal with it a long time ago Do you know how to craft stamina tonics? Mom? Dad? I don't know if you can hear me.
I feel so alone right now.
I feel like the whole world is falling apart and somehow I'm supposed to do something but I don't know what that is anymore.
AL GORE: Fear not.
Do not give up on yourself.
You must keep believing.
Gore? Where have you been?! It's me.
Al Gore.
Where have you been?! You cannot lose faith, my child.
Even though everyone is ripping on you.
Even though they don't believe you, and they're saying you're just seeking attention because you lost the presidency, you have to be strong.
What happened to you?! Are you dead or something? No! Not dead! Just merely using a flashlight on glass to apply the Pepper's ghost technique.
Wait, what? Oh, God damn it! You see my point? Things aren't always as they appear.
You have to stay strong, my little crusader.
I can't do this alone.
I need help.
I did, too.
Didn't get it.
What more do you want from me? I've atoned for my mistake.
I'm sorry that we were getting a lot of different information at the time.
You know, even you were wrong about a lot of the things you said would happen - What's that? - Nothing.
I didn't mean See ya later, alligator.
No, no, no, no! I'm sorry! I am sorry, please! I'm cereal! I didn't mean to say you were wrong, just that some of your predictions - didn't happen - Oh, yeah.
You're real cereal.
Please, please! Please! I'll do anything! I just want everyone to be safe! All I was doing was trying to be your mentor.
You know who my mentor was? Me! Al Gore! Hello, Al Gore.
It's him! Just in time, too.
Thanks for coming in my time of crisis, Al Gore! [POLICE RADIO CHATTER, SIRENS CHIRP.]
Sorry to call you down, sir, but this is a bad one.
Oh, no.
That's fine.
I finally arrest four school shooters and can play some "Red Dead Redemption," and then I get a call about another school shooting.
This one really doesn't look like a school shooting, sir.
Five different witnesses say it was definitely ManBearPig.
God damn it! There is no such thing as a ManBearPig, you got that?! We're working with facts here, not goofball theories! Yes, but, sir, all the forensic scientists say there are bear and pig footprints (BLEEP) scientists! Why are you trying to figure out what's going on with scientists?! The only thing I want to know is who committed this school shooting since our school shooting suspects are in jail! Detective! Detective, we just got word from the station.
The four shooting suspects broke out a while ago.
Oh, well, there you go! It was them again! Gee, I didn't need any freakin' scientists to figure that out, did I? Get 'em outta here! Now how the (BLEEP) did those kids break out of my jail?! Jenkins said they tricked him.
Said they could show him a way to fast travel in "Red Dead Redemption" by upgrading his camp, and then they just took off.
There's a way to fast travel if you upgrade your camp? Jesus.
You better start from the beginning.
REPORTER: More damage and destruction today as the death toll rises to the hundreds.
Some see this as evidence ManBearPig might be real, while others say ManBearPig is a fabrication - for political gains - [MANBEARPIG ROARS.]
STAN: Grandpa?! [STERNLY.]
What did you do? Oh, Billy.
My grandson come to visit! This isn't the first time ManBearPig has shown up, is it? What happened? Billy, I have Alzheimer's.
I don't even remember what happened this morning.
Cut the shit, Grandpa.
You people knew.
You made a deal with that thing.
We thought we'd be dead by now! We didn't think we'd have to live to see the consequences! Aw, great! Just tell the whole world, Margret! Why did you old people make a deal?! We had a right to be happy, too, ya know! And you just signed away the future?! We didn't want to have to give the demon his stuff back! What stuff?! All our cars.
And premium boutique ice cream.
You couldn't control yourselves so now that thing is here to kill all of us! Good (BLEEP) job, grandpa! Kyle, come on, we've got to go.
Go where? I had a vision, Kyle.
Al Gore's ghost visited me.
Al Gore isn't dead.
Well, his ghost came to me, Kyle.
He said he had a plan, and we need to go.
Are you in or not? Mrph rmh rmphm? [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
We shouldn't be out here! We're wanted by the police.
What was that? Mrph rmhmhm rm.
This is where Al Gore told me to go.
Mrph rmhmhm rm! [ROARS.]
It's Satan! What are you doing here, Satan? I was told to come here by the spirit of Al Gore.
Us, too.
But why? Remember even though I am gone, you must still work together.
Work together how? I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to the ones who are actually cereal.
You cannot lose hope.
There is still much you need to know.
Oh, you'd better not - You bitch! - [SCREAMS.]
You're playing Red Dead Redemption, aren't you? So? What of it? What did I tell you about playing on my save game, Maggie? No.
This is my life, now, Harrison Yates.
I started over, with me own save game.
What are you talking about? See for yourself.
You and all your talk of wanting your own life.
I wanted something new, too! I started over in the snow, and worked my way up to the new gang leader! I have thousands of dollars of me own.
I built a house with John Marston.
I'm helping his family, now.
You (BLEEP)ing slut! That's right, Harrison Yates.
And what have you got? A basic starter horse and the $20 gambler's hat you won in a poker match.
I'm twice the man you are, now! Don't you talk to me like that! I'll talk however I want! I've completed every hunting side mission, found seven legendary animals.
Found them where? I'm not telling.
You wanted your own life, and now, you got it! Maggie! [CRIES.]
And in conclusion, let me just say that you are the future.
You cannot give up hope.
I brought you all together because I believe in you.
Okay, but what do you want us to And sometimes, believing is all that we need to be cereal.
Did you guys like my movie? What are you doing? Exactly.
I'm trying to get you to ask, "What would Al Gore do?" Make a movie starring you.
Yes to get you all to not give up.
To get you to fight! You don't understand.
There is no fight.
A deal was made.
We do not know by whom.
But this demon has grown stronger, and no mortal can do anything to stop him.
No mortal, but what about you? Why would I help mankind? Satan, come on.
Are you really gonna stand there and not say you appreciate all the nice things humans have done for you lately? I mean, not sure if you've noticed, but we're pretty much doing things your way up here.
I must admit, people up here on Earth have been doing a lot of my work for me lately.
Maybe maybe it is time I did something for them.
GRAMPA: We were all young and foolish back then, Billy.
We didn't think about the future.
We just wanted things.
This creature shows up, and it seemed like a good deal, for everyone in town.
You didn't stop to think about what it would mean for us? Ah, Billy, it's not that simple.
We thought about it.
But our town was so tiny back then.
We just We wanted nice things other people had.
And you didn't give two shits what it would mean for your grandchildren.
I didn't think I'd have grandkids.
I didn't even want children That's why I always came on Gram Gram's tits.
But then, one night, I'm having sex with your grandma, and she sticks her finger in my ass.
She had sometimes licked my ass before, but this was the first time she used her finger, and I came inside her like that.
I pulled out, and your grandma was like, "Did you just come in me?" And I was like "Well, you stuck your finger in my ass.
" And that's basically why you're here, Billy.
This is supposed to make me feel better? I'm just saying that I wasn't thinking about the future because your father was supposed to be nothing but dried up crust on Gram Gram's titties.
You people made a deal with ManBearPig.
How? Where? It doesn't matter, Billy.
It's too late now.
Tell me how the deal happened, so that I can try to make it go away.
No! No!! SATAN: ManBearPig! [ROARS.]
- Now watch - [GROWLS.]
Satan! H-Hey.
Hey kids [COUGHS.]
I'm sorry.
Satan, you can't die.
Everyone dies.
I just wish I could have helped you.
Oh, God.
It hurts.
We can't do this without you Satan.
You have to.
You have to keep trying.
If you can't stop ManBearPig, how can we be You have to keep trying! [COUGHS.]
You have to believe.
Satan's dead.
Come back.
Come back.
Dude, this is pretty (BLEEP) up right here.
And now on Park County Cable Access, "Should We Start to Worry?" with your host Jim Kimble.
As our town continues to burn to the ground, Satan has been slaughtered and sent to heaven.
Should we start to worry? Joining me now, an expert on our county resources and preparedness, Alec Vaughn.
Alec, should we start to worry? Jim, I think we should definitely consider starting to worry.
Satan was one of the most powerful entities, supposedly, in the universe, and ManBearPig annihilated him like a bitch.
I don't think we should waste any more time underestimating the importance of beginning to think about starting to worry.
Also joining us is the former Vice President, Al Gore.
Gore, do you believe it's time for us to deliberate the process of starting to worry? [ECHOING.]
If by worrying, you mean getting cereal, then an emphatic "yes!" I don't think there's any more room for not considering underestimating the importance of beginning to start the process of mulling over the conceptualization of starting to worry.
And the time to do it is very soon.
Hey, what are you doing? I'm being a spiritual mentor.
These people are depending on me.
No, they're depending on me! I'm depending on you, goofball! [SCREAMS AND SIRENS WAILING.]
Aah! All right, looks like we're clear.
I can't believe it's the weekend, and I'm at school! This is the best place to hide.
Of all the places we could hide, why do I have to sit here in school? Mmph! Where's the last place anyone would think we would hide? The scene of our supposed crime, dummies! We're safe here.
I'd rather be in jail than in school.
Mm mmph! Guys? Guys! Stan! Guys, thank God! Just stay right there, Grandpa! I know all about the deal.
I know what we have to do.
How'd you find us here? I figured you guys were hiding somewhere.
This is the first place I thought to look.
Mm-hmm! Yeah, I guess we're dummies, huh, Kenny? Yeah, I guess we're dummies.
Guys, listen My stupid grandpa and a bunch of other old people made the deal with ManBearPig.
It's here because of their greediness.
GRANDPA: Everyone's greedy! Shut up, Grandpa! I know where to go, but I need your help.
I'm going to face ManBearPig and put an end to this deal.
Are you crazy? We just saw ManBearPig take down Satan.
What the hell are we supposed to do against it? - We have to try.
MAN: Attention school shooters again.
We have you surrounded again.
Come out with your hands up! We just sat in school for nothing.
Listen! We know what to do now! Drop to the ground and put your hands on your heads.
No, I need to face ManBearPig.
We have orders! You're coming with us! YATES: Belay those orders! I've been a fool denying ManBearPig's existence, and I didn't realize it till I went home.
My wife had started a new life without me.
I wanted to give up, but instead, I robbed a bank in Saint Denis, and I went to an island north of Cuba.
After I came back, that's when it all caught up with me.
All the stagecoaches I had robbed, all the horses I had stole for what?! We're nothing if we don't believe in each other! And God damn it, it's never too late to start trying to do the right thing.
You think you know what that is boys? Yes, I do.
We're going to face ManBearPig and put an end to this deal once and for all.
Okay, sign here and here.
These documents state merely that you've been granted power of attorney by your town and that you wish to attempt to void the current agreement.
Kay Since this is a renegotiation, you agree that ManBearPig has right to compensation for termination, and you will give up all rights to specified assets.
Yes, we agree to give back cars and ice cream.
Uh, let me confer with my client.
- Uh-huh.
Got it.
- My client says that he - [GRUNTING SOFTLY.]
Uh, mm-hmm.
ManBearPig has no interest in you giving up cars and ice cream.
Well, what's he want everyone to give up? [CROWD MURMURING.]
There! There he is! There he is! Is it over?! Um, he says he'll never come back again, but we have to give up soy sauce and Red Dead Redemption 2.
ALL: Ohhhh! Just plain rice? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Um, could we possibly talk about restructuring a new deal? Uh-huh! Uh-huh! No.
Just, like, can we do, like, a renegotiation? All right, sign here and here that you are entering a renegotiation with ManBearPig.
- Where do I sign that? - Right there.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I thought so.
Shut up, Grandpa.
MAN: And sign here that ManBearPig has rights to the lives of all children in third world countries.
Kay, got it.
And you agree to ignore ManBearPig until he returns in five years, in which time the carnage will be a thousand fold.
Kay, where do I sign that?
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