South Park s22e08 Episode Script

Buddah Box

1 LES: I'm goin' down to South Park Gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation LES: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" LES: Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! LES: Come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine CARTMAN: So much has happened.
I don't know where to start.
First it was all the school shootings.
Then these Wi-Fi scooters showed up.
And now we know that ManBearPig is real and we could all be dead in a matter of years.
And you believe this all relates somehow to the movie "Black Panther" not being as good as everyone says it was? I know there's a connection, but that isn't what matters.
I can't deal with people anymore.
It's just, everyone sucks so hard, you know? Everybody is so stupid.
And they all walk around going, "Way aya ayay blarhghg.
" And the only thing that makes me happy, the only thing I can trust, is this.
But all people do is try to keep me from it.
I'll be in my room, and my mom will come in and say, [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "Eric, that's enough time on your phone.
" [NORMAL VOICE] And then at school [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "Eric, what are you doing? You can't use your phone at school!" [NORMAL VOICE] And even my friends.
My own friends, they'll be like, "Hey, Cartman, throw us the ball.
You're the Goddamn quarterback.
" It's like everybody needs something from me.
All I want is a little time with my phone instead of always listening to people's needy bullshit.
Oh, uh, sorry.
Just Uh, well, you know, young people have to deal with so much today.
I believe that what you have is anxiety.
Anxiety? Is that cool? It's pretty common these days.
What it really is more than anything is an excuse to be lazy and lame to everyone around you.
Oh, my God.
That's perfect.
[INTERCOM BEEPS] I'm busy.
[INTERCOM BEEPS] - WOMAN RECEPTIONIST: Mr.
Principal.
- I'm busy doing stuff! - [INTERCOM BEEPS] - What?! WOMAN RECEPTIONIST: The vice principal needs to speak with you.
She says it's urgent.
[SIGHS] Oh, PC Principal.
Uh, y-yes? Are you going in to see the vice principal? I really need to speak with her.
Uh, yeah.
We're just, uh We're having an important scheduling to go over.
Everything is okay with you two? There's no more inappropriate behavior? You know, as a counselor, I'm here to That's in the past, Mackey.
We've paid our dues, and we're not hiding anything anymore.
Mkay.
[BABIES CRYING] I could use a little help here! What's going on? Riley said a word that her sister felt was insensitive to Muslims.
Now they're all upset.
All right.
What word did you use, Riley? She just said, "Aba daba.
" Look, can't we put them in a daycare? Oh, yeah.
That would be really smart.
If anybody sees them, they're gonna figure out you're the father.
Well, maybe they won't.
You wanna risk that? The babies have to stay hidden because if people know the truth, then you're not PC, and I'm not strong! [CRYING CONTINUES] All right, can I take your order? Excuse me.
What would you like, sir? Just a God Can you wait? Isn't that your job? Aren't you a wait-er?! [WHOOSHING, EXPLOSIONS ON CELLPHONE] Hey, could you turn your phone down, kid? This is a restaurant.
It just so happens I have anxiety.
That means I have trouble being around assholes who won't leave me alone! [BICYCLE BELL DINGS] Oh, hello, Eric.
Shut up.
I have anxiety.
Hey, kid! Hey, kid! I'm on my phone! You're about to get hit by a car.
All right, that's it! Everyone stop! Just (BLEEP) stop right now! Listen up, people! I have anxiety! That means I'm in my shell and have a hard time expressing myself.
I find it difficult to engage with others! So everyone shut the (BLEEP) up, because my anxiety is up here right now! [ZEN MUSIC PLAYING] We live in a world of many distractions.
It's hard to find peace.
In the hustle and bustle of modern times, we've lost the one thing we all need.
More quality one-on-one time with our phone.
But now you can have it with Buddha Box.
Simply fit the patented box on your head and set its Bluetooth to your mobile device.
Inside Buddha Box, your phone is projected two inches from your face, and the noise-canceling headphones let you hear your phone without any outside noise, giving you peace from that annoying Uber driver who wants to talk, those people at work who act like they need stuff.
I want to be enlightened like the Buddha, but I've got these (BLEEP) kids.
Let Buddha Box take you to a place of peace and serenity where you can have quality, uninterrupted time with your phone.
I was stressed out and feeling anxious.
After just 8 to 10 hours in Buddha Box, I feel refreshed and ready to take on anything.
Babe, can you please come say hi to my mother while she's here? Order Buddha Box today, and you too can have that quiet, quality time with your phone.
Like the Buddha.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] What the hell is that? I think it's Cartman.
What is it doing? Ha! That's so sweet! That video seriously makes me laugh! Lemme check my e-mail again! Oh, man, nothing from Lorenz yet? Whatever, weak.
Oh, I gotta see that post from Clyde again! [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BELT UNBUCKLES] Dude.
Dude! What the hell are you doing?! - What? What? Who's that? - Get off of me! Oh, sorry, Craig.
Didn't see you there.
Yeah, 'cause you got a stupid box on your head.
- [ZIP, URINAL FLUSHES] - There's nothing stupid about it.
Don't you wish you had a way to deal with your anxiety? My anxiety? I see it in you, Craig.
With your parents and relationships.
Imagine being able to shut them out for a little while, Craig, so you can focus on what matters.
With Buddha Box, you can cut out all the unwanted noise.
Not have to deal with conversations that are of no interest to you.
Well, I have to admit, sometimes when me and Tweek are together, it's it's like he wants my atten [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] All right, children, we have a lot to go over for today's quiz.
Who can tell me where we left off? Eric.
Eric Cartman.
$34 million box office? How the hell does "Creed II" do $34 million opening weekend? What's the weather like tomorrow? Oh, it's snowing? I gotta tell Lorenz.
I Whoa, whoa! Hey! What do you think you're doing? Excuse me.
That's my Buddha Box.
You aren't using this during class time.
It relaxes me.
Ask my therapist.
I have anxiety, you dumb bitch.
I don't know what makes you think you're different from everyone else, but nobody gets away with slandering teachers at this school! [MUFFLED] Aw, man.
That looks so sweet.
Hey.
Hey! Oh.
PC Principal.
Hello.
Just what do you think you're doing? I'm letting go of stress and being calm, like the Buddha.
There are no boxes on your head in school.
Hey.
Whoa, man.
What's going on? Are you suffering from anxiety? What are you talking about? It's okay.
I have it, too.
Anxiety is very real.
But there is help for people like us.
[BABIES CRYING] What the (BLEEP) are you doing? Hey! What the (BLEEP) are you doing?! Oh, hey.
I just needed to answer a couple e-mails really fast.
With a box on your head? I got one for you, too.
It's Buddha Box.
Look, you and I have been having a lot of problems.
Clearly what we both need is more quality, one-on-one time with our phones.
I don't need a box on my head to use the phone.
I'm sorry! I was trying to be helpful! [CRYING CONTINUES] All right, Riley, give that back to your brother.
Bailey, no.
Harper, don't Harp-er! [CRYING] [CRYING STOPS] PC Babies They're comin' to your town PC Babies The wokest kids around When there's something problematic They're gonna let you know Making things fun and gender neutral Everywhere they go They're everybody's fave-sies They're PC Babies, yeah Hey, Mike, what's that you're drinking? This? Oh.
It's a Cosmopolitan.
I know, I know.
It's a pussy drink.
[BABIES CRYING] Hey, be careful, guys.
There's some PC Babies over there.
[CRYING CONTINUES] Oh, great.
Come on, I didn't mean pussy drink as in female genitalia.
Okay, I'm sorry! I'll order a Black Russian! Hey, what's all that racket down there? Oh, there's some PC Babies upset about certain drink descriptions.
Fine.
We'll take them off the menu.
Who's makin' a difference? Who's the future? [BABIES GIGGLE] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Here it comes! Block it! - [WHISTLE BLOWS] - What the (bleep), dude?! What is your Goddamn problem?! What's going on? They just scored again, you fat (BLEEP)! Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm dealing with my anxiety! Do you know how hard it is for people with my condition to come out and even do things like this? Living with anxiety is awful, huh, Craig? Can we get another goalie, please? Oh, yeah! Sure! Yeah, because people with anxiety shouldn't be allowed to play sports, right, Kyle? You know, our world is dark and scary enough without people like you making us feel inferior.
Asshole.
(BLEEP) this.
My parents didn't come here to watch their son lose by 20 points! Come on, Dad.
Let's go! Dad? STRONG WOMAN: River?! Bailey?! Emory?! It's okay.
We're gonna find them.
I can't believe you were on your phone.
You were on your phone, too.
It was my time to be on the phone.
You were on yours all morning! You're seriously gonna make this all my fault.
- Yes! - Because last I checked, you didn't even want me around as a partner to the PC Babies, even though I Oh, God! I'm not doing this again.
Even though you need me to do shit for you every 10 (BLEEP) minutes.
You don't get to just say whatever you Oh.
Okay, cool.
Fine with me.
I'm the one who has a (BLEEP) problem on their (BLEEP) phone.
You know, usually, I'm afraid to tell you what I really think, but you wanna know something? You wanna You wanna know what I really think? Anxiety can make you feel unable to cope.
But living with someone who has anxiety can be a bit of a roller coaster, as well.
We have to support our loved ones with their anxiety and try to understand their illness.
I just feel like Craig has changed so much lately! He barely even talks to me anymore! Well, because his anxiety makes him feel like anything he says might sound wrong.
That's why we must nurture our loved ones so they feel safe.
Eric, I just feel like you have so much to offer the world and it kills me that you're so afraid to let your inner you shine.
[CHUCKLES] That guy's such a douche.
What was that what was that one show he was on? Maybe you you wanna text him that? Oh, yeah, "B.
J.
and the Bear.
" That show was so dumb.
What kind of monkey was that anyway? What was that What was that monkey Wait What the What the hell is this? Oh, God damn it! Mom, will you stop texting me, please? I'm trying to relax! Look, we're all just trying to understand this condition, and it's like you're not listening.
We're doing everything we can to keep our anxiety under control! Do you think I even wanna be here right now! I am freaking out! Can we go now? [LAUGHS] Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Hey! Hey! What's going on here?! Why aren't you people working? We can't keep buildin', sir.
We got a bunch of protestors who won't let us work.
Protestors? Who? Ugh, just a bunch of PC Babies who think building this thing is wrong.
[ALL CRYING] All right! All right! What do you PC Babies want? [CRYING CONTINUES] I guess they're upset because the new viaduct is being financed by a state rather than county institution.
Aw, come on, PC Babies! Why does that matter? I guess the state refused to finance a proposed program - on race-relation education, and they see it as hypocritical.
God damn it! Not everyone cares about race relation programs! Come on, PC Babies! We got a job to do! [CRYING CONTINUES] All right, all right, just calm down, lady! You want to file a Missing-Persons report? No! No, we don't want to file anything specific.
We just need help finding some PC Babies.
PC Babies? They usually hang out at liberal arts colleges.
You could find some there.
No, no, it's five specific PC Babies.
Tony, wasn't there a report of some PC Babies down at the Mexican border? No, no, these PC Babies wouldn't have gotten that far.
They can barely walk.
I'm their mother.
Okay, okay.
Last name? - Woman.
- First name? [VOICE BREAKING] S-strong Okay.
And you're the father? - No! - No! I am her superior at work! Don't be ridiculous! You think I took advantage of my position?! - I'm not some two bit floozy - I'm not Harvey Weinstein, who goes around sleeping with the boss! I have nothing but respect for females in my workplace Those kids were born naturally by in-vitro fertilization! [TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE] We'll, uh see what we can do.
In the meantime, you'll just have to take a seat and wait.
[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE] [WATER SPLASHING] [INDISTINCT SHOUTING, LAUGHTER] Go.
Go! What do you want? Go down the slide or get out of the way! You think I even want to be here, Kyle? My therapist told me I need to force myself to go out and do things to overcome my anxiety.
Can we move him, please?! Oh! Oh, I see! People with anxiety shouldn't be allowed at water parks.
Is that it, Kyle? Hey, everybody! Just so you know! Kyle thinks people with anxiety should just stay home! Yeah, I'm trying to come out of my shell, but Dr.
Kyle here is just worried about his place in line.
Get.
Off.
My.
Towel.
Get off my towel! God damn it! I seriously can't get a minute of peace! Why is it that people who don't have a Buddha box are always flipping Buddha boxes off the heads of people with anxiety? I got news for you, Cartman! Everyone has anxiety! Everyone gets nervous! Everyone is afraid being around people! Everyone has feelings they'd rather stay home alone.
And you know what they do? They get over it! And they stop being a piece of shit.
Everyone has anxiety? Yes.
Oh, my God! I know what I have to do now! Y-You're right, Kyle! You're right! What?! No, no! What did I just do? Should have just let him be on his phone, dude.
You know what the kids like today? They like music that matters! I think you guys got what it takes to be the next big thing! The PC Babies! [PC BABIES CRY] That's what I'm talkin' about! That stuff is raw! Everyone loves you, PC Babies! We're gonna make you famous! All right, PC Babies, let's hear what you got.
[MUSIC PLAYS, PC BABIES CRY] DEEJAY: All right, South Park, and now here's that special treat we told you about.
Live with us in the studio is a hot new band The PC Babies.
They're gonna perform their new song, which is about the injustice of white people in dreadlocks.
It's called "Waaaaghgh.
" [MUSIC PLAYS, PC BABIES CRY] Riley? Th-That's Bailey! It's the PC Babies guess they're all the rage now.
Come on! To quiet one's mind one must have a dialogue with oneself.
I have found enlightenment, but there are so many others who suffer It's very important to take the time to shut out the outside word.
In the Hindu religion, there's a saying, "namaste.
" It means, "(BLEEP) you.
I have anxiety.
" At first, I thought it was only a few of us.
But then something was said to me by Kyle.
He said "Eric, my friend, everyone has anxiety.
" I know what you're thinking.
(BLEEP) Kyle.
And normally, I would agree with you.
But hear his words.
Everyone has anxiety.
We must recognize this disease as an epidemic.
Yes, (BLEEP) Kyle, but, Mayor, we have to raise money to get everyone who has anxiety the tools they need to cope.
And how do you think we get that money? How do you suggest we do this? Namaste.
Na-ma-ste.
(BLEEP) you, too.
That was far out, PC Babies! You really rocked the airwaves! Now come on.
We got a photo shoot at 5:00! Kids! You're okay! Thank God! Who the hell are you? I'm their vice principal.
Yes, and I-I'm their principal.
We need to get these kids back to school.
You can't do that! These are the PC Babies! Don't you know how big they are? In just one day, they protested a bar, stopped construction of a problematic viaduct, and wrote a hit single about cultural appropriation.
They did all that? Oh, my God.
They had their first protests and we missed it.
We missed everything because we were on our phones.
I've always used the phone as a way to deal with the stress of having babies nobody could know the truth about, but it's only made it worse.
You know what we have to do, right? Yeah I think so.
PC PRINCIPAL: All right, everyone, listen up.
The vice principal and I have been discussing student health.
And it's our firm belief that what they need, and what we all need, is less time on our phones.
Yes, yes I know it's an unpopular idea, but just hear me out, please.
Our phones are the cause of stress, not the relief from it.
We are banning phones and Buddha Boxes from school, and we suggest you all strictly limit their use at home, as well.
I don't think anyone's listening to you.
Yeah.
Nobody's listening.
And nobody's watching.
I guess we could wait and ban the boxes tomorrow? You keep brushing that hair back out of your eyes And it just keeps falling and so do I I am feeling like the luckiest man alive Today And I don't know about tomorrow Right now, the whole world feels right And the memory of a day like Can get you through the rest of your Life Eric, I just feel like you have so much to offer the world and it kills me that you're so afraid to let your inner you shine.
[CHUCKLES] That guy's such a douche.
What was that what was that one show he was on? Maybe you you wanna text him that?