South Park s23e02 Episode Script

Band in China

1 RANDY: Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna leave my woes behind There's ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" I'm headin' down to Tegridy Farms Gonna see if I can't unwind TOWELIE: I got some weed and I don't know what's going on RANDY: So come on down to Tegridy Farms And meet some friends of mine [HUMMING.]
Stan! Family meeting! Get downstairs! I'm writing a song, Dad.
Nobody cares about that! Come on! I've got big news! [LAUGHING.]
Sharon, Shelley! Hurry! I've got it! What is it, Randy? You guys I've just had the greatest idea ever.
We're gonna move back to our old house? No! I've been trying to figure out how to make more money selling weed.
And last night, it came to me.
We could grow the family business by selling Tegridy to the Chinese.
[ANGELIC CHORUS.]
I did a little research.
Turns out there's a lot of people in China.
If we can get like 2% of that market to buy our weed, we'd make millions of millions of dollars.
I'm flying to China tomorrow.
I've got to get in on this before anyone else thinks of it.
Tomorrow? Randy, are you forgetting about this Saturday? What's this Saturday? Autumnfest? Stan's concert? He and his little friends have been rehearsing all week.
A lot of people in town are coming out to support him.
Everyone but you.
Everyone? Stan, you need to wear your Tegridy T-shirt at the performance.
Aw, come on, Dad! Stan, they're available on Amazon starting Friday, so you could really help promote the family business while I'm gone! But then again, I guess family doesn't mean all that much to you.
BOTH: Tumbleweeds and squirrels, my darlin' Tumbleweeds and squirrels Yeah.
Okay, that was the South Park Sounderoos.
Thanks again to Kate and Earl! Alright, up next we have four of our local South Park fourth graders who have formed a band! Let's hear it for Stan Marsh and Crimson Dawn! [APPLAUSE.]
Hi, Stanley! Oh, there's our Butters! Oh, Butters! Oh, aren't they cute! Um, hi.
We're Crimson Dawn, and um, this is a song I wrote about living out in the country on a farm.
Alright, f-f-fellas, just like we rehearsed it.
And a one and a two and a [HARDCORE DEATH METAL PLAYING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GROWLING.]
Fate is over, open your eyes Get me off this farm! There is no hope, no second chance All the elders saw, the fall of the sky Pride and glory To touch the sky we've burned the earth Built our own infirmity [CHIME DINGS.]
First time goin' to China? No, not really.
It's my first time.
I'm goin' out to try and drum up a little business.
What are you headin' out for? I work for a clothing company.
We're trying to break into the market And get the Chinese people as customers.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Fuck you.
- Huh? - I I had that idea like three days ago.
So what? So when did you come up with it? Oh, hey, Mitchell.
You're on this flight?! Yeah, that's so funny.
I'm working for Google now, overseeing the expansions into the Chinese user base.
Yeah, I'm still with the NBA.
Doing some press with the players to try to get more Chinese viewers.
Oh, for Christ's sake! You have a good idea and everyone wants to copy you! Fine.
I can handle some healthy competition.
Who else wants to go to China and get some of their money? Oh, for crying' out loud.
[THUMP!.]
Let me guess, you work for a company trying to get Chinese people as customers.
Wow, where'd you get that idea? It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm sure there's plenty of Chinese people for all of us.
[HARDCORE DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[GROWLING.]
Searching, wandering Looking for the perfect specimen - Still pure - Hate this farm! - Immature - I hate this farm! Acknowledged sickness concealed, swaggering! - Unseen - Hate this farm! - Wandering - I hate this farm! Looking for the perfect specimen Okay, okay.
Wait, uh, hang on, guys.
Very good, boys! I heard you play at Autumnfest.
I really like your sound.
- Who are you? - Well, I'm a producer.
I manage all the big rock bands in South Park.
PC Babies all of them.
You manage the PC Babies? Holy smokes, fellas, they're huge! You want to sign us so we can make a record and I can move away from here? Records? What are you kids, from the '90s?! There's no money in albums or singles or even tours anymore.
What we need to focus on is your biopic.
Biopic? You want to make the Crimson Dawn biopic? PC Babies' biopic came out last week.
Made over $100 million.
Wow-ee! Mrph rmh rmphm? I'll just let you guys think on it.
But don't take too long, huh? [SPEAKS MANDARIN.]
Hello.
Howdy.
I'm a small business owner from the United States.
You guys know any money people here? Can I give you guys my card? I'm just starting to grow my business here in China.
[SPEAKS MANDARIN.]
What is this, sir? Oh, that? That's weed.
Marijuana.
You know [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[SPEAKS MANDARIN.]
Oh, here we go.
Jay shi daamaa Tegridy Weed.
Whoa! Oh, hey! Everything alright? What's going on? Oh, hey, d-don't forget my suitcase! C-Could you grab my suitcase? All my weed is in there! Excuse me? Jay shi damaa! RECORD PRODUCER: What makes a band truly great? It's a desire to be heard.
And a commitment to a three-act structure that has a 20-minute setup, about an hour and a half of conflict, and a big, triumphant resolution.
So let's start at the beginning, gang.
When did your band first form? Um, it was about two weeks ago Yeah, it was about two and a half, three weeks ago, I'd say I hadn't seen my friend Kyle, and I hate living on a farm so I started writing songs.
That's good, that's good! Lost a close friend.
Put loneliness into lyrics.
Yeah, and Stan came to me and I said, "Well, I can play the drums" But But he'd already asked me to play the drums.
So, yeah, I said, "Okay, I'll play guitar.
" Inner conflict over direction of band, good.
Oh, and then Kenny learned to play bass watching YouTube videos of John Lennon with the Dalai Lama.
Oh, oh, yeah, no, no, we don't want to go there.
Talking about the Dalai Lama doesn't go over well with the Chinese.
The the the what? Look, for this movie to really make money, we need to be sure it clears the Chinese censors, you know? We want those Chinese viewers! - Aw, seriously? - Oh, it's okay.
There's plenty of other things to talk about with your story.
How about What kind of things were you into when you were younger? Well, I always liked Winnie the Pooh! Oh, no, no, no, no no no, that's definitely off limits.
Winnie the Pooh is illegal in China because some Chinese students said he looked like the Chinese President.
Aw, come on.
That's ridiculous.
Hey, you want to move away from your family, right? You want to be successful on your own, right? Yeah Alright, well, you know what they say You got to lower your ideals of freedom if you want to suck on the warm teat of China.
[ALL CHANTING IN MANDARIN.]
[MACHINES WHIRRING.]
- [ZAPPING.]
- [GROANS.]
"I am a proud member of the Communist Party.
The Party is more important than the individual.
" [MAN PLEADING IN MANDARIN.]
[WATER DRIPPING.]
WINNIE THE POOH: Oh.
Hello, there.
Who Who's there? Nobody.
Just a bear.
I was wondering since you're new, if you might have some honey.
No, I don't have any honey.
Are you prisoners here? Some people said Pooh looked like the Chinese P-P-President, so we're illegal in China now.
Jesus.
What kind of mad house is this? [SPEAKING MANDARIN.]
[SPEAKING MANDARIN.]
Your Honors, I'm just a simple farmer, from a simpler time.
Now, I'd never been to China before, but I hate to say, I'm a little disappointed in all of you.
With what I've seen, you you seem to treat your people like dirt.
You don't believe in any individual freedoms.
I mean, you've got Winnie the Pooh and Piglet in jail? Now, come on, China! You know, a country ain't nothing unless it's got decency and integrity.
And I think I speak for Pooh and Piglet and all of Disney when I say you could use some Tegridy, China! Now, it just so happens that I own a Tegridy farm.
And I think I might be able to work out a deal for all you nice folk.
[BELL RINGS.]
This is so awesome, you guys! Our band is gonna be huge! Yeah, and we're gonna be rich! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Yeah, isn't it just great? Hey, what's wrong, Jimmy? Fellas, I need to tell you something.
I think I'm homosexual.
And also, I'm addicted to cocaine.
Oh, that's okay, Jimmy.
Yeah, we can get you a liver transplant.
RECORD PRODUCER: Cut! Cut! Listen, guys, we, uh, just got word back from the Chinese censors.
They don't want us mentioning organ transplants.
How come? Well, they've been accused of harvesting organs from the L-Look, it doesn't matter.
They They just said no to the organ stuff.
Oh, and, uh, no homosexuality either.
No homosexuality?! We're trying to do a band biopic! Yeah, and what's wrong with homosexuality, anyways? Nothing! Unless you want to make money in China.
Now, come on.
Everyone back to one! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Alright, who's the asshole? Which one of you decided to go and start badmouthing the Chinese government?! Who here thought they had permission to say anything critical of Chinese politics?! Well, it is true, sir.
The Chinese seem to exploit their own people - with forced labor that - Shut the fuck up, Thor! You're here to flex and not think, ya fucking bitch! Please, Mr.
Marsh was only standing up for me and Piglet.
Because we were political prisoners.
You are a fat diabetic bear, and if the Chinese don't want you, then I don't either! Now, who the fuck is Mr.
Marsh?! Oh, uh, that's me.
Randy Marsh.
Who is this? I don't know you.
Are you from Pixar? No, I'm from South Park.
What's South Park? Do I own that? MAN: No, not yet, sir.
You're telling me [CHUCKLES.]
that I'm losing Chinese customers because of some shithead that's not even from my company?! Hey, hold on a minute! You really think that business should be run through intimidation and fear? Whatever happened to old-time values? You already have business with the Chinese.
You have all the connections money can buy.
But there's one thing you don't have And that's Tegridy.
Now, it just so happens Boys, I understand you've got a band here at the school? Yeah, what's wrong with that? Well, boys, it seems to me like your music is kind of angry, m'kay? I mean it's really loud, m'kay, and it's a little angry.
Yeah, because I hate living on a farm 30 miles outside of town! Yeah, tell him, Stan! I can't stand my dad anymore! And if I want to do death metal, I can! It's a free country! RECORD PRODUCER: Cut! Cut, cut! Cut! Uh, kids, let's not say anything about this being a free country.
Aw, come on! Hey, these guys were nice enough to come all the way from China to help us with our standards.
We can at least listen to their notes.
Oh.
Oh, ok Okay, okay.
Actually, gang, we need to rewrite the whole second act.
But that'll take forever.
Come on, guys.
Everyone else is fine with China approving our entertainment.
Even the PC Babies don't seem to mind.
And PC Babies cry about everything! You just got to rewrite the script before we continue shooting.
Go back to your room and just write your story.
It has to come from your heart.
[MICKEY MOUSE SPEAKING MANDARIN.]
[MICKEY MOUSE SPEAKING MANDARIN.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
It's like It's like they didn't even want to listen.
They didn't listen at all? - [INHALES DEEPLY.]
- But why not? It's the bear.
They're still pissed off about the bear.
But for what? 'Cause some Chinese people on the Internet started posting pictures of their President as Winnie the Pooh.
It's a real thing.
Look it up.
Man, this is really good shit.
So what if we took their side, then? What if we showed China that we understand how they feel to be made fun of on the Internet? [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[OWL HOOTS.]
RECORD PRODUCER: Remember, write your story.
The script has to come from your heart.
[SIGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[SPEAKS MANDARIN.]
[SIGHS.]
Now I know how all the writers in Hollywood feel.
[LAUGHS.]
[SPEAKS MANDARIN.]
My goodness, Pooh, China sure is a big p-p-place! Yes, Piglet, it is.
Too big, I think, to find what I need.
Excuse me.
Huh? Would you happen to have some honey? [SPEAKS MANDARIN.]
Oh, bother.
This just doesn't seem a place for a bear.
Wait! Pooh! L-L-Look! Oh! Piglet! What wonderful luck! Oh! What delicious honey! I would like to share, Piglet, perhaps I will share.
In just a few more slurps I can Waah! [CHOKING.]
W-W-What are you do What No! Ohh! [CHOKING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
I can't do it any more, you guys.
I can't even think with the Chinese government censoring everything I write.
So there's not gonna be a biopic movie for us? It's so wrong, you know? I mean, we live in a time where the only movies that us American kids go see are ones that are approved by China.
Yeah, it's like China is the new MPAA.
Stinks to say goodbye to all that biopic money and glory.
We just got to face it.
A death metal band is never gonna make real money anymore.
The only band that would get approved by China would be all vanilla and cheesy.
I'm going to have to live on that fucking farm forever.
Kyle! Dude, you're back! Yeah, the migrant detention camp was cool but it kind of rubbed Kyle the wrong way.
Anything happen while we were gone? Not really, we just almost had a biopic made for our band but Wait a minute Wait.
Vanilla and cheesy.
I've got it! I've got it! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Bang, bang Bang, bang Fingerbang, bang Bang, bang, bang I'm gonna fingerbang bang you into my life Girl, you like to fingerbang and it's alright 'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang, let's not fight Cut.
Cut! Cut! This is all wrong! No, it's good, kids.
They're loving it.
Yeah, but I can't sell my soul like this.
I want to get away from that farm, more than anything.
But it's not worth living in a world where China controls my country's art.
[SPEAKS MANDARIN.]
I don't care how many people you have.
I've got something in me that just won't let me be a part of all this.
Yeah.
Whatever it is, I've got it too! ALL: Yeah! I want to be proud of who we are, guys.
And anybody who would betray their ideals just to make money in China isn't worth a lick of spit.
Us Chinese people have always liked things the old-fashioned way.
We like things a little simpler, a little quieter.
And now, there's a new weed that goes along with China's beating heart.
Because after a hard day of forced labor, or gettin' beat for criticizing the government, we all could use a little time with some good ol' Rocky Mountain weed.
It's the soul of the American West, right here in mother China.
All hail the Communist Party.
And all hail Tegridy Weed.
Well, gang, looks like the family business is starting to really turn the corner.
I don't know about you, but I for one think the world is going to be a better and safer place now that China finally has Tegridy.
Dad, why are you covered in honey and blood? Dad, did you kill Winnie the Pooh? Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh Oh, yeah, I did kill Winnie the Pooh.
Where are you going, Stan? I'm going to go write another song about you.
Oooh, about me?! Make sure it talks about me bringing Tegridy to China!