South Park s23e03 Episode Script


1 RANDY: Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna leave my woes behind There's ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" I'm headin' on down to Tegridy Farms Gonna see if I can't unwind TOWELIE: I got some weed, and I don't know what's going on.
RANDY: So come on down to Tegridy Farms And meet some friends of mine Happy 300 to us Happy 300 to us Happy 300, Tegridy Farms - Ugh! - Ugh! Happy three hundred thousand dollars Can you believe it, gang? We've broken $300,000 selling weed.
Not to be a dick, but I remember back when you, Sharon, and you, Shelley, said buying a pot farm was a "stupid" idea.
Now we're living the dream.
You're living the dream.
This is your dream.
You know, [SCOFFS.]
is it me or are people starting to not be that stoked on Tegridy Farms? Are you guys still pissed off about the China thing? You may not like that I do business with China, but personally, I think you guys having a problem with China is racist.
Now come on! Let's celebrate 300! Who wants shots? Shots? No shots! No shots! Eric, you have to be a big boy.
Big boys get a toy from the toy chest.
No, no, no, no, no! [SCREECHING.]
- Eric, It's just a little prick.
No, no, no! Nooooo! Good boy, Eric! [SQUEALING.]
Our school now has a very strict policy when it comes to immunizations.
Everyone has to follow protocol or it puts everyone at risk.
I'm sorry, PC Principal.
It's just that my little Eric really doesn't like shots.
Well, Eric, nobody likes shots.
They're just a fact of life.
No, no.
You don't understand.
I've taken him to the doctor every Friday for the past four years.
They try to give him his shot, but he gets scared and runs around, and he squeals like a little pig.
The doctors try to catch him, but Eric greases himself up so they can't.
I'm sorry, but my hands are tied here.
If Eric isn't immunized, then he cannot go to this school.
Please! I've tried everything! You have to let Eric go to school.
I work all day, and without school, he'll just He'll just have nothing! What do you think's gonna be different next time you try? If If you could offer Eric something.
Sometimes when Eric is behaving this way, I think of a gift or a treat of some kind.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Like, what are you thinking? I don't know! Like maybe exclusive use of the tetherball pole at recess for the next two months? Ooh, would that be possible? What I care most about is the safety of the students, so if you'll take your shots, then I'll agree.
But, Eric, you really have to do it this time, okay? When we're at the doctors, you can't change your mind.
I won't change my mind.
Eric, it's okay! [SQUEALING CONTINUES.]
I'm sorry but I have a lot of other patients to see.
We'll just have to try again next week.
Come on, Eric.
We're going home.
We're going home? You promise? Let's go! Get in the car! Wait, can I get a toy from the toy chest? One toy, Eric! Cool! [TOYS RATTLE.]
Yeah! 300! Tegridy Farms! Hello, South Park! Thanks for making Tegridy the most profitable farm in Colorado! We couldn't have done it without you, so here! - Here's some beads! - [RED ROCKERS' "CHINA" PLAYS.]
Here you go! Beads for everybody! I've got $300,000! China, China! Da-da-ya-ya history! It was la la la China! - [SIRENS CHIRP.]
- China, China! Alright, China! BUTTERS: So, then I guess the school said Eric can't come here no more and so he's been, like, kicked out.
Cartman can't go to this school anymore? Yeah, he was actually kind of upset about it because he said on the phone that he has to do homeschooling with this really mean teacher.
Oh, my God.
I don't know how long this will last, but I'm gonna savor every minute.
Hey, guys! I'm back in school! Everything worked out.
I'm allowed back, and it's all good! - You got your shots? - No, I don't have to get my shots ever! And they can't do anything about it.
Because I'm a consciousness objector.
A conscientious objector? Yeah, I told the school, I said, look you guys, I happen to have "religious, moral, or philosophical convictions.
" And And I said I believe that "health and disease should not be controlled by vaccination.
" Those are my beliefs.
And besides, I don't want to risk immunizations making me artistic.
Dude, Cartman, don't you know that if you don't get immunized - you actually put people at risk who - One second! One second! [SNIFFLES.]
One second, gotta sneeze.
Oh, never mind.
Never mind.
I'm sorry.
What were you saying? I'm saying that we all had to get shots and, actually, if just one person doesn't Oh! Snot web.
I'll be right back, you guys.
Can somebody get me a paper towel? I got a snot web here.
Consciousness objector coming through.
Alright, everyone.
Listen up.
I understand your frustration, but a government organization like a school cannot impose its will on a conscientious objector.
It's not safe for our kids to be in this school! You do understand that up to 5% of kids with vaccines can still be at risk.
Everyone has to do it, or it doesn't matter! Yeah, I don't quite see how it's fair that all the rest of our community agrees to this.
Why does one family get to have a problem with it? I'm sorry.
It's just my strong, personal belief that "among other things, vaccines contain harmful ingredients.
Formaldehyde, aluminum and even Mercury.
" Aw, come on, Mrs.
Cartman, all major medical organizations state that vaccines are safe! The CDC, the FDA, UNICEF, and the US Department of Health! Yes, yes, I know but "we can't even risk a 0.
1% chance of vaccinations making our children artistic.
" Well, that's true.
There are enough artists in the world.
Look, I don't know what kind of mother wouldn't vaccinate their child, but it's putting everyone in danger, and that's why Then you try to catch him! You try it! Don't you people criticize me until you've taken Eric to the doctor, and you've tried to hold him down! I'm a good mother! Don't you dare question if I care about my child! Oh, shit.
O-Of course you care.
Nobody likes seeing their child in pain.
Maybe Maybe you should just let us take care of getting Eric his shots.
You don't understand how hard it is.
We'll find a way to make it completely painless for him, okay? [SNORING.]
Alright, alright.
Bring him in! The little boy's room is upstairs.
Oh, I don't know if I can go through with this.
My little Eric is going to be so mad at me! Look, by the time he knows what's happened, it'll already be over.
Did you bring his boo-boo present? Yeah, yeah, come on.
Thomas and Laura.
Okay? See? We got the present.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Hey, what's going on? [SQUEALS.]
No, no! Nooo! Oh! It'll just be for a second! Oh, Jesus! [CARTMAN SQUEALS.]
Eric, there's a big treat for you if you stay still! - [SQUEALING CONTINUES.]
- Catch him! - [SQUEALING.]
- BUTTER'S DAD: Thomas! Linda! Y-You gotta get him! [SQUEALING CONTINUES.]
Eric! Oh! Well, what do we do now? I think the only way we're gonna get Eric immunized is by bringing in an expert.
This is Big Mesquite Murph.
How can I help you? You say you got yourself a conscientious objector? Well, you just sit tight.
There aren't never no hog that Big Mesquite Murph couldn't catch.
How many thousand dollars has Tegridy Farms made selling weed? $300,000! It's a 300-palooza! Come on down and see what we've got! - DEEP VOICE: What have we got? - We've got $300,000! Just selling' all this [ECHOING.]
weed! And this month, we're celebrating all our new customers in China! [REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS.]
We're celebrating with new T-shirts! "Tegridy Farms made $300,000 and all I got was high.
" Get yours for just ten bucks! We couldn't have done it without you! Remember! That's $300,000! [REMOTE CLICKS.]
Well what'd you think, guys? How much did you spend making that commercial? Who cares, Sharon? Business is up.
Nobody cares about your stupid $300,000! We've become the kind of business that we moved out here to get away from! You know why the Chinese buy our weed?! It's to plant on their student protesters so they can put them in jail! Yeah, we make money either way.
You don't care how anyone else feels! We bought this farm together, Randy! Or did you forget that? I hate marijuana! [GASPS.]
Shelley! I hate marijuana, too.
Stan! Oh, Eric, I wasn't sure if you'd be up yet.
Eric, you know I only want what's best for my little snookums.
You read me a bedtime story.
You tucked me in.
And then you let half the town into my room to try and give me a shot against my will.
It was supposed to make it easier on you, and th-th-they didn't catch you anyway.
This is goodbye, Mom.
I can't live with you anymore.
Eric, please! You don't know how hard it is to be a parent! Sometimes we don't know the right thing to do! So you go along with society and try to force immunizations on me even knowing the health risks? What if immunizations made my friend Timmy the way he is? What if they made Jimmy the way he is? What if they made Token the way he is? Eric, when I was at the store, I got you some Little Debbie Cream Pies and That isn't gonna work this time, Mom! I don't want to be around you anymore! So I don't know where you're gonna stay, but you'll just have to figure it out.
I've already packed all your things.
Sweetie, you can't live on your own.
You should've thought about that before you made this house a nightmare for me.
Goodbye, mother.
Alright, youngin, we can do this the easy way or we can do it hard.
- Yeeeeeeee-haw! - [SQUEALING CONTINUES.]
Well? What happened.
I ain't never seen no hog like that It's like it could run two places at once.
You said you could catch him! I did catch 'im! I got him locked in a pen! It's just that every time I bring out that needle, he becomes like a hog tornado, - but I'll get him! - Yeah? Or maybe you just believe a little bit that vaccinations shouldn't be mandated for school attendance due to possible still-unknown side effects.
Don't you question me.
If anyone believes that the most common side effect of vaccines anaphylaxis Occurs in only one per several hundred thousand to one per million vaccinations, it's Big Mesquite Murph.
Now this hog you got here, he's contained, but now I need help gettin' him his shots.
The only way we're gonna get him, is we gotta build a big enclosed pen 'bout 100 feet in diameter.
I'm also gonna need the best wranglers flown in from Wichita.
And I'm gonna need some loud music and some barbecue.
Cartman? Hello, Randy I'm sorry to trouble you, but I don't know where to turn.
I was hoping maybe I could buy some ganja.
Whoa, whoa, what's going on? My son h-hates me.
The whole town h-hates me.
Nobody thinks I'm a good mom, and I don't know if I am anymore! Okay, okay, come on let's get you inside and get you some weed.
It all just happened gradually, you know? [INHALES.]
I don't know why but it's like everyone's against me.
Even my own son.
Believe me, I know how that feels.
You try to do what's best for your family and all you do is get shit on.
I know immunizations are probably for the best [INHALES.]
but then you read some of this stuff on the Internet, and I don't know.
It's scary.
That's just it.
When it comes to families, we just have to do what we think is best.
It doesn't matter.
They're having an all-county mandated immunization round up tonight.
Any child not immunized is about to be.
All-county immunization round up? What's that? ANNOUNCER: Good evenin', everybody, and welcome to the CDC Child Immunization challenge.
This here special event is sponsored by Voices for Vaccines and also by Chevy.
So with all that all out the way, let's get to some action! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
First up, we have little Danny Ray Johnston out of Bailey, Colorada.
He has not been immunized since kindergarten.
He says he just don't like needles.
No! Noooooo! - [SCREAMING.]
- And there they go! - [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
No! Noooo! [SCREAMS.]
Nooo! - [CRYING.]
He stuck him in the left buttocks! That is a 8.
7 score, right there.
Alright let's hear it for little Danny Ray, folks.
He's a little worse for wear but now he can pick himself up a nice little toy from the toy chest.
Jesus I've got to get out of here! [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
It's just It's like Can't people see I'm trying to do what's best for my family?! I'm trying to provide for them by running a business! I'm sorry if I make mistakes! I know, Randy.
Other parents expect me to deal with Eric and And I get it from both sides because my family's pissed off at me, too! - I understand.
- No, you don't! - Yes, I do.
- No, you don't! [GARBLED.]
Nobody understands.
Randy, we all try to do the best for our family.
And sometimes when we're afraid of being judged, we can push our family away.
Yeah, it's like everybody's doing business with China.
Just, like, get over it.
You should just feel lucky that you have a partner in doing what's right for your family.
Yeah I'm afraid I haven't been very kind to that partner lately.
I think maybe it's time for an apology.
Thanks for the talk, Randy, and for the weed.
Where you going? I'm going to do the only thing I know how to do.
Be a mom.
ANNOUNCER: Alright, and that is Dr.
Chet Molwinns that just gave that girl her DTAP booster and her HPV vaccination.
That is for genital warts.
- Way to go, Chet.
Hey, folks, let's hear it for all these wranglers tonight.
They're workin' extra hard to bring immunity to your community.
Alright, folks, we are now ready for the main event! This young man has never had a single immunization.
- He says he is an orthodox Jew and a conscientious objector.
Everyone put your hands together now for little Eric "The South Park Piggy" Cartman.
Sooouuuiiieee! [SHOUTS.]
ANNOUNCER: There he goes folks! Dear Lord, he's a slippery one.
Do you remember we used to come here and look over the town lights together? Yeah, so what? Then you turned into an asshole.
I brought you here to apologize, Towelie.
I let the money go to my head.
I I got greedy, and I started acting like a towel.
I need you back.
I need Tegridy back the way it used to be.
No more harassing home growers? No more harassing home growers.
No more dealing with those MedMen assholes.
No more MedMen.
No more kissing China's ass? China's actually a free and loving country that - I'm out.
Wait! Wait, Towelie! Come on, I need you! I'm never working for a company that's regulated by a communist government.
Okay, okay No more selling to the Chinese.
Then say it.
Say, "Fuck the Chinese government.
the Chinese government.
I didn't hear you.
Fuck the Chinese government! There! Well you just got your partner back.
This is it.
This is the moment that Tegridy Farms got back on track.
ANNOUNCER: Dear Lord, we are goin' on 16 minutes here - and ain't nobody caught this youngin! - [SQUEALING.]
This might very well be a world record - you're seeing here, folks.
Get out of my way! Move it! Whoa, whoa, Mrs.
Everything is fine here.
It's okay, Liane! They know what they're doing! [SQUEALING CONTINUES.]
Oh, looks like we've got a concerned parent in there, tryin' to take issue with her child's well bein'.
Mooommm! Leave my son alone! - [SCREAMS.]
I know I'm not the greatest mom in the world.
I do the best I can.
Whatever happens now is going to be done my way.
Come on, Eric.
Wait, Mom.
No, Eric! No shot, no toy! What?! Okay, doctor, I'm ready for my shots.
Eric, I've been speaking with your mother I'm afraid there's some bad news.
Bad news? What are you talking about? Mom? Your mother received a heavy dose of vaccine that wasn't meant for an adult.
I'm afraid there have been side effects.
What side effects? Mom?! Mom! Mom? Are you here, M [GASPS.]
Nooo Noooooo!
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