South Park s23e06 Episode Script

Danger Close: The Battle of Long Tan

1 RANDY: Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna leave my woes behind There's ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor" I'm headin' on down to Tegridy Farms Gonna see if I can't unwind TOWELIE: I got some weed, and I don't know what's going on.
RANDY: So come on down to Tegridy Farms And meet some friends of mine Hey.
Good morning, everybody, Welcome to "Tegridy Breakfast," the show where we talk about everything Tegridy Farms.
I'm Randy Marsh.
Hey hey hey, folks.
I'm Towelie.
Today, we're gonna talk about what's been growing on the farm, especially our new Tegridy Thanksgiving Special.
I'll tell you what, I smoked it out of a 4-foot bong, and it just about destroyed my Alright.
Wrap it up.
Shut this down.
Come on, Marsh.
Let's go.
Go Go where? Everyone's had enough, Mr.
Marsh.
We need you to come with us.
What the hell are you doing? Sorry, everybody, we'll be right back.
Let's go.
What do you think you're my show! My Tegridy Farms show! Hello, Mayor, Mr.
And Mrs.
Tweek, Mackey.
Mr.
Marsh, do you remember a few weeks ago, when homes in South Park were attacked by a terrorist called "Mexican Joker"? Yeah.
Mexican Joker.
That was terrible.
Right.
Except there was no Mexican Joker.
It was you who blew up people's yards because they were homegrowing their own marijuana.
Pfft.
Well, that's ridiculous.
The Tweeks have come forward with some footage caught on their security camera.
Guys, I have nothing against home-growers.
Run the the footage, please.
Hmmm.
Mm-hmm.
People are fed up, Marsh.
The past few weeks, you've held parades for yourself, needlessly slaughtered 1,000 cows, made deals with the Chinese, and nearly poisoned everyone with your Halloween Special.
Everyone's had enough of Tegridy Farms.
Enough of Tegridy Farms? South Park is nothing without Tegridy Farms.
You'll be taken to county jail to await your trial.
Get him out of here.
I didn't do anything wrong! You people are just jealous Jealous that I took over South Park, and I'm successful! Well, at least now, South Park can start getting back to normal.
Titty farts! Titty farts, dog weiner! Dog weiner! Dog Wiener! Pubic mooooounund Pubic mounnnnd Just hike the stupid ball, Cartman! Pubic mound, titty farts, hut! One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi Dude, I'm open! You can't catch! Dude, I'm wide open! That totally would have been a touchdown.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS.]
Little Jason White was a happy child, a playful child.
And ultimately, it was his playfulness in sports that got him killed in a freak hit-and-run accident.
The father would like to now say a few words.
I'm Robert White, Jason's father.
And I can tell you that, as a White, Jason lived a challenged life.
[SOBBING.]
When I look out on this congregation, I can't help but think, "There's not a whole lot of people here.
" Doesn't seem like a big deal.
Nobody's outraged 'cause it was our family.
Nobody cares when a White gets killed by the police.
There should be protests and marches, but no.
The police killed a White.
That's not protest-worthy.
Everybody's busy trying to lock up Randy Marsh.
Now, my wife and I have a dead child, and we can't even get any weed to make us feel better! [SOBS HYSTERICALLY.]
Yeah, don't listen to me.
I'm just a White.
Kids, I have something to tell you, but I don't want you to be scared, okay? Daddy is in police custody until there's a hearing.
He could be in jail for a long time.
Do you promise? Like, how long is a long time? Like, could it be years? It could be, sweetheart.
We don't know.
Yes! Is it possible he could get out of it? Of course it's possible, honey.
[GROANS.]
But if he doesn't get out of it, then what happens to us? We'd probably have to sell the farm, and move back to town, and sort of live our lives without the marijuana business, and without Daddy.
Just try to stay hopeful kids.
We will, Mom.
You, too.
Okay.
You, too.
Shelly.
Okay, Mom.
You, too.
[INTERCOM BEEPS.]
What? Who? Oh.
Okay, sure.
Put him through.
This is the President.
Hi Mr.
Gar Mr.
President.
I'm really sorry to bother you.
Look, uh I'm in a bit of trouble.
Oh, tell me about it.
Yeah, they uh Someone got some supposed evidence on me doing something illegal, and uh Well, did you tell everyone you didn't do anything wrong? Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Well, did you then go on the attack, and swap the accusations, to make yourself a victim? Did I Did I what? Oh, geez.
DARVO, Randy Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
Alright.
Let's role play.
You be your accusers, and I'll be you.
Okay, go.
Uh Um Hey, you you blew up people's yards who were growing their own marijuana.
No, I didn't! Are you joking, you psychopath?! Now you're blowing up my yard! Go ahead.
Try another one.
You You illegally damaged property to make your business You damaged property to make your business more profitable, you lying sack of shit! I'm not gonna be bullied by you! See? It's really not that hard.
It just takes a little chin wiggling.
Geez, you're really good at that.
Look, what I really need from you is some personnel.
Do you know any good lawyers? Do I know any good lawyers? No.
But I do know Rudy Giuliani.
Hey.
Fuck you.
No, fuck you, Rudy.
You finish cleaning up those pistachio nuts yet? Yeah.
That's all of them, Mr.
President.
Listen, Randy, I'm gonna throw you a bone.
You just sit tight, and I'll help you take care of this.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Sheila.
Gerald.
Hi.
Hi, Sharon.
We just know you're going through a really hard time right now.
We wanted to bring you guys a lasagna.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Thank you.
Other families have brought some stuff, too.
Come on in.
Hey, guys.
We got lasagna.
I love lasagna! Hey, no running in the house you little turkeys.
Oh, look at that, Sharon.
You took down all the pictures of marijuana.
Oh.
Yeah.
You know, just too painful.
You know, they remind me of Randy.
That's why I took down Randy's pictures, too, because, you know, they remind me of Randy.
Look, I'm sorry if you don't want to talk about it, but have you thought about what you might do if Randy gets put away? Yeah.
I've kind of made a list of all the things I might do.
It's kind of a long list.
MR.
WHITE: Oh, isn't this lovely? The whole town, turning out to support the Marsh family in their time of need.
Our son was killed by the police.
Would have been nice if somebody brought us a lasagna.
You know, if I'm not mistaken, it almost seems like you people are happy that Tegridy Farms is being indicted.
It's almost like you're reveling in it.
My wife and I were both Tegridy Plus members.
We always believed in Randy Marsh.
We believed in Tegridy.
And now, there's less Whites.
Now, there's less Whites.
Oh, geez.
We should have never played football that close to the road.
Yeah.
This isn't right.
Where are you going, Eric? I think I might be able to help them.
Mr.
And Mrs.
White! I'm sorry about what happened.
I knew Jason pretty well.
He was a shitty receiver.
But he would have wanted his parents to move on, and help a new child.
Wh What do you mean? A few weeks ago, I was sent somewhere.
It was a place where people like you can find a way to fill that empty hole.
JEFF: Welcome, everyone.
My name is Jeff.
We're thrilled you've come to help out and adopt.
The parents of the children inside have all been deported, but the kids are legal citizens, since they were born in the United States.
- Mr.
and Mrs.
White? - Yes? We all heard about your tragic loss.
I'd love to help out however I can.
Is there something specific you're looking for? We don't really know.
We've got all kinds here, depending on your preferences.
Here's a little Panamanian.
They're very clean.
This is a Colombian Shorthair.
Oh, and this is a good one.
This is a Baja Shepherd.
Quiero mi papa.
Quiero my mama.
Bien, gracias.
Y tu? Oh, honey, look at the Peruvian Hairless.
Yes, they're pretty silly-looking.
Great with kids, though.
Hey, what's this little guy? Oh, this is a purebred Mexican.
He's had all his shots.
Parents were deported two weeks ago.
Here.
We can let him run around a little bit.
Mi familia? Donde estas? Bien, gracias.
Y tu? Oh, Bob, he's kind of perfect.
Hello, little fellow.
How would you like to be a White? Look, doctor, you have to give me something.
I'm really sick.
What exactly are your symptoms? I'm like starting to question things that I've done Like, starting to question the person I've become.
And I can't sleep at night.
I just lay in my cell, wondering if I've been a bad father lately, and a bad husband.
Please.
It really hurts.
I need some marijuana.
It sounds like you haven't had access to marijuana for a while, and now reality is setting in.
I just need a little medicinal weed, and these symptoms will all go away.
Well, maybe they shouldn't go away.
Maybe this is your wake-up call that you've been abusing drugs, and you need to face all your wrong-doings, try to turn your life around.
You need to turn your life around! Clearly, you have the addiction problem, and I'm just your whipping boy! That's not going to work, Mr.
Marsh.
You're not the President of the United States.
Ah poop.
Well, Alejandro, How are you enjoying being a White so far? Mi familia! Donde estas? Bien.
Gracias.
Y tu? Yes, its good us Whites have each other, Alejandro, because I need to tell you something.
You see, now that you're a White life isn't gonna be so easy.
You're gonna find that a lot of people in this world just don't care about The Whites.
You'll hear all about how others in the world are mistreated but nobody will care when you are.
Being a White is the hardest thing ever.
That's my little White.
Oh Turn it up honey! And the President of the United States today called the allegations against Randy Marsh "total buttfucking bullshit" and claims the neighbors who came forward with the evidence video are "Tampon Faced 69ing whistleblowers" When asked for clarification the President's lawyer and treasonous pig, Rudy Giuliani, had this to say.
Ooh, this is just a conspiracy! It's a conspiracy! And we need everyone out there who who don't think their voices are heard to make their voices louder!! Uhp.
He's absolutely right! Starting tomorrow the Whites are going to start actively trying to stop all this trial nonsense! Bob! Alejandro's on your phone and it's past phone use time! Hey! Why, he's trying to call Mexico! Alejandro, the Whites do not use mobile devices after 7:00 P.
M.
Why would he try to call long distance to Mexico? Does he just assume that the Whites have all the money in the world!? The Whites don't call long distance.
Jason never tried to use mobile devices after the cut off time.
Jason never tried to call long distance! [SOBBING.]
Well good job, Alejandro, now you've upset your mother! Esa no es mi madre! Bien.
Gracias.
Y Tu? I've had a lot of time to just sit in here and think Starting to realize I have this pattern of behavior where I always want more.
More weed.
More drinks.
More deals with the Chinese It's never enough.
See, I always had my flaws but at the end of the day I cared about people.
You know what the president said? He said just deny everything and make yourself the victim Yeah, well, maybe he's part of how I got here.
Maybe the president has brought down my moral meter.
I don't mean to cast blame, I'm to blame, but, ever since he was elected I've compared my morals to his.
And no matter how awful I am I'm never as bad as the president so I'm okay.
Help support Tegridy Farms and Randy Marsh? Randy Marsh has done nothing wrong.
Stop the ridiculous persecution.
Help exonerate Tegridy Farms? Oh yeah, just ignore us! The Whites are used to it! Good one, honey.
Daddy! Alejandro isn't ringin' his bell! Alejandro! There's few enough of us as it is! We're not gonna stop this trial unless all the Whites chip in! Now ring your bell.
[BELL RINGS.]
No quiero estar aqui! It's like he doesn't appreciate us, Bob.
- No, I know.
- I mean, we give him a place to live, food, we take care of him.
He's just He doesn't happy.
Maybe if we got him a little thing to take care of and feed, he'd understand how much responsibility it is.
We're so glad you came back Mr.
and Mrs.
White! We have even more kids now who's parents have been deported! See one you like, Alejandro? Now that you're a White you can pick any one you want.
Oh, here's a good one! Four years old, parents just deported yesterday.
He's a Panamanian Podengo Pequeño.
Do you like him, Alejandro? We can see how he gets along with the kids.
Quiro mi mama? Nunca la volveras a ver.
Oh, look I think he likes him! Alright, Alejandro, but you have to take care of him and clean up after him.
This is a great addition to our family.
Yeah And now there will be more Whites to help put a stop to those needless hearings.
Hey, Marsh, you got a visitor.
I do? Fifteen minutes.
That's all you get.
Hello, Mr.
Marsh.
My name is Mr.
Giuliani! I've been sent to try and help you! Oh thanks but I think I'm just gonna plead guilty.
Oh, that sounds like someone who's a little down in the puss.
The president said you would be and he thought you might need a little something special.
[BELT JINGLING, ZIPPER UNZIPPING.]
Shhhhhh.
Would this make you feel better? Ohhh Ohhhhh Is this just what the doctor ordered? Yeah [INHALING.]
Tom, I'm standing outside the government building where Randy Marsh is about to be arraigned.
Protestors from both sides have gathered here, some of them who are for the proceedings CROWD: Lock him up! Lock him up! REPORTER: and also those in support of ending the investigation.
Let him go! Let him go! These hearings are a waste of the taxpayers' money! Nothing in these hearings will change the Whites' minds one bit! - Daddy! - What? Alejandro isn't putting on his sunscreen! Alejandro! What have we told you?! All Whites wear a sunscreen! Put it on right now! No necesita protector solar! Necessito a mi madre y my padre! Bien gracias y tu! Now put it on! Alto! Ahghg! Alto! Te odio! Te odio! In the South Park vs.
Tegridy Farms matter, we are now ready to proceed with the arraignment.
Before doing so, Mr.
Marsh, do you have any words? Yeah, I have some words to say! Go get 'em! Go Go get 'em! I can't believe I'm being attacked here! You people are monsters.
The evidence shows me in a yard taking a dump.
Yes.
Because I was setting a trap for Mexican Joker! - Oh, come on! - Oh, brother, here we go! That's right, and Mexican Joker attacked seconds later! I was trying to protect you people from terrorists.
And what do I get for it?! I get a-a bunch of A bunch of No No, I can't do this.
You wanna know what really happened? The president sent me his lawyer.
And his lawyer told me what to say to get off and gave me a joint in prison.
[TOWNSPEOPLE MURMURING.]
And then I smoked that joint.
And you know what I thought? I thought, "This is some shitty ass weed.
" It wasn't Tegridy.
It barely even changed my mental state.
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS.]
The reason I got into the marijuana business was to make quality, simple weed that came from the heart.
Weed that was strong and pure.
Somewhere on that journey I lost my way.
Tegridy Weed is about community.
It's a sunrise.
It's the smile on a baby.
But most of all, Tegridy Weed is about family.
I've forgotten I have a loving wife and a son.
And I'm not gonna forget them anymore.
So I'm not gonna fight this.
I'll do my time and maybe some day I'll be back.
Making marijuana that's simple.
Marijuana that's Tegridy.
Because when you do the right thing Good things happen.
[EXPLOSIONS.]
[CROWD SCREAMING.]
It's him! Oh God, it's him! Oh, Jesus, save us! G-Give it up, M-Mexican Joker.
You don't wanna do this! Alejandro! Get down from there this minute! Abajo con Estados Unidos! [GUNFIRE.]
Mr.
Marsh! Over here! Mr.
Marsh, how does it feel to be exonerated? Thank you, it feels really good to have these charges dropped.
Now we can all get back to the business of trying to heal.
I'd like to Would you please get the fuck away from me? I'd like to take this opportunity to thank those who have always been my side Supporting me from the very beginning.
The people who've stood by me since day one And gave me hope the Whites.
Thanks for having my back, Mr.
and Mrs.
White.
And now, everybody, if you don't mind.
I've got a farm to tend to.
Well, gang, I guess that's about it, huh? It's been a really good run but looks like the season is over.
The season is over? Well sure, the first snow is falling.
Crops are pretty much dead.
But what'd ya all think, huh? I think this season was a little better than anyone expected.
I really wanna thank you guys for a great run.
And, hey, we hope you all enjoyed the season too.
It had a little bit of everything, didn't it? And hopefully the season finale really brought it all home.
Of course, if you haven't had a chance to try the Season Finale yet, it is available now for a special price.
This limited edition weed made from the very last crop of the season is pricy but worth it.
ANNOUNCER: Now taking pre-orders for season two.