South Park s23e07 Episode Script

Board Girls

1 PC Babies! They're comin' to your town! NARRATOR: The PC Babies! The wokest kids around! When there's something problematic They're sure to let you know! Making things fun and gender neutral Everywhere they go They're everybody's fave-sies They're PC Babies, yeah! And now back to "PC Babies!" [CRIES, GIGGLES.]
[GRUNTING.]
Yeah! Who's strong? I'm strong.
Who's a strong woman? I'm a strong woman! You are gonna smoke the competition! I'm gonna smoke the competition! [PC BABIES CRYING.]
Oh no.
It's the babies.
[ALL CRYING.]
Kids! Kids, okay! What's the matter? Oh, no.
I left Disney+ on, and it went to "Mulan.
" PC PRINCIPAL: They don't like Mulan? No, because Mulan is a female that identifies as male and yet the movie doesn't take the time to address real trans issues.
Okay! Okay! We know "Mulan" is outdated in creating straw dog characters to talk about trans issues.
- Daddy's turning it off.
- [REMOTE CLICKS.]
But just how many advocates has yet to be seen [PC BABIES GIGGLE, COO.]
PC PRINCIPAL: Alright.
Everyone, listen up.
As you know, this school is a place where everyone should feel included.
Our challenge is to motivate ourselves and others to create an inviting, non-bigoted and Hey, Stotch, you got a fucking problem? No, sir! Now, I think that what we all need are leaders who motivate by example.
And so I would like to inform you all that your vice principal is competing in the Strong Woman Competition in Morrison this weekend! Let's hear it for her.
[APPLAUSE.]
Well, thank you, PC Principal.
Um, listen, guys, I just hope I can make you proud and, more importantly, I hope you can see that no matter who you are, you can do anything.
We've really come a long way breaking down gender binary bigotry, and I hope I can especially inspire some of my girl students here.
Or those who identify as girls.
Yes, or those who identify as girls.
Get out there and get involved in school sports and clubs.
If there's something you love, don't ever let anything hold you back.
The first bugbear lashes out at Stan with its broadsword! And it hits with a 17! How much damage is that? Four plus two slashing.
Okay! I jump up to the bugbear! And I yell, "For Waterdeep"! And I kick it in the balls! I don't think bugbears have balls.
Then how do they make baby bugbears? Oh, hi, boys! We got some new students who want to be part of the gaming club.
You know Tammy and Nichole? Um [CHUCKLES.]
Uh no.
This is a school club, boys.
All clubs are inclusive.
Have fun, girls.
Hey, guys.
[WHISPERING.]
What the fuck do we do? Um, guys, we play lots of games here at Dice Studz, but today, we're playing "D&D.
" You don't just show up and start playing.
- You have to generate characters and - Yeah, we created some this morning.
I'm a Human Paladin, and Nichole is a Tiefling Warlock.
[WHISPERING.]
Do something, Eric.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, guys, um they're fighting a bunch of bugbears right now that are led by a 12th-level Druid.
Okay, I cast Vampiric Touch on the Druid.
Crit.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
ANNOUNCER: A beautiful day in Morrison, Colorado, as we get ready for the 6th Annual Strong Woman Competition! A two-day-long competition of tests built to push athletes to their very limits.
Joining me now is the current champion of the Strong Woman Competition, Strong Woman.
Ms.
Woman, do you feel ready? Oh, yeah.
I'm ready, David.
There are just so many amazing women athletes out here today.
It makes me so proud.
Now, this is the first year that a trans woman is in the competition.
- How do you feel about that? - Amazing.
I feel honored to be a part of history.
I have a lot of incredible trans friends who are athletes, and so we're all inspired this woman's competing.
Uh-huh, and uh have you actually ever met Heather Swanson? Uh, no, I've never competed against her before.
No.
She's not exactly your average trans athlete.
Well, what is an average trans athlete? Honestly, I find that kind of bigoted, David.
Okay, Heather Swanson is actually joining us now.
Ms.
Swanson, how does it feel to be competing today? I can't tell you how free I feel now that I've started identifying as a woman.
Now that I can compete as female, I'm ready to smash the other girls! And is it correct you just starting identifying as female two weeks ago.
I'm not here to talk about my transition.
I'm here to kick some fucking ass.
Let me tell you something, Dingleberry - David Perry.
- I'm gonna roll up the other women here, and I'm gonna smoke 'em.
I am the strongest woman this state has ever seen! Any words for the challenger, Ms.
Woman? Uh, good luck, Heather.
[CHUCKLES.]
Luck is for dudes.
Well, with that, let's get right to the action.
Rising to the top, push it to the edge Give it all you got, barely break a sweat Strong Woman! Strong Woman Yeah, she's got speed, she's got the moves She's got the muscle and a whole lot to prove Strong Woman! - Strong Woman! - [WOMEN GRUNTING.]
Arghhhhhh-yeah! Hey, you Go strong woman, go Hey, you Your time is now, whatcha gonna do? Pedal to the metal, find another gear She takes what she wants, nothing left to fear Strong Woman! Strong Woman Now, hey girl, you're the best in the world And, hey, hon Don't look now, but you just won - HEATHER: Hell yeah! I won! - Strong Woman - Strong woman, strong woman - I'm a strong woman! - Strong woman, strong woman - Look at it! It's mine! - Strong woman - I'm the best! - Strong woman - I'm the strongest! So second place That's pretty damn good.
Yeah.
I guess she just started identifying as a woman a few weeks ago.
Doesn't really s-seem fair.
Just don't.
You'll upset the PC Babies.
CARTMAN: It is unfair! It is tyrannous, and it is wrong.
Ever since these girls were allowed to join Dice Studz Gamers Club, it has been a train wreck.
Every single game we play, they, like, figure out all the rules and they use the rules to, like, make us look stupid.
IN "D&D," they killed the dungeon master! We didn't think it was even possible to kill the dungeon master.
Shut up, Butters.
It's not possible.
It's just that, we play board games for the theme.
We want to be pirates or Vikings.
You know what the girls think about? They think about red cubes versus blue cubes and how much of this equals that many victory points.
They're just doing math! So, they're smarter than you and beating you at all the board games.
Yes.
- No! - No! It's just different.
Look, we started Dice Studz [VOICE BREAKING.]
with a dream.
A dream that that we could actually do something interesting at school just for like 60 minutes.
"Nothing we can do," he said.
"Hands are tied," he said.
We're gonna have to deal with this ourselves, you guys.
I think Nichole and Tammy are cool to play with.
Well, you won't think they're cool when the rest of us leave Dice Studz, and you're left to play only solo board games.
You mean like "Nemo's War"? "Nemo's War" is sweet.
Look, maybe we just gotta play harder stuff, you know, stuff the girls can't keep up with.
Hey, that's not a bad idea! We been takin' it easy on the girls.
Time to show 'em what real board gamers play! What do real board gamers play? Well, if you want something hard, then you need a really crunchy Euro game, something like a Vital Lacerda's "Escape Plan," or a Uwe Rosenburg euro.
Do they involve math? Well, all euros are pretty mathy.
Nope, no good.
We need something with lots of, like, war and dice and thematic shit.
So, then you want a war miniatures game, something skirmish-style, like "Legion" or "Blood & Plunder.
" Dude, you're really into board games.
Alright.
That's it, guys! Dice Studz gamers club is about to go tabletop miniatures.
[BABIES COO.]
Emory, stop playing with your food.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
Hey, what's goin' on? Is your girlfriend home? Oh, she's sort of busy right now, Ms.
Swanson.
Just want to tell her no hard feelings about me winning the Strong Woman Competition.
Yeah, you already told her that at the competition.
You got a problem with me? 'Cause it's starting to seem like you have a problem with me.
What's going on Oh, hi, Heather.
I was just stopping by to make sure you're not too beat up.
Oh, that's really cool.
I'm sorry, but I have all the kids right now, - and they're - Oh, where are the little kiddos?! I'd love to meet them.
Oh! Hey, kids! There's a lot of you.
Your mom must be a strong woman to take care of all of you.
Of course, I have the Strong Woman trophy, though.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just kidding right? Look, why don't you just get out of here.
Oooh, sounds like someone here is a transphobe.
Don't you dare.
I'm trans peoples' biggest supporter.
What I think you are is a terrible sport! - Transphobe! - You better knock it off! Just don't you're gonna upset the PC Babies.
And if you dare call me a transphobe again, - I'm gonna - You're gonna what? Beat me up? You gonna beat me up, transphobe? Yeah, I didn't think so.
See you later kids.
Come on over and see ol' Auntie Heather if you wanna see what a real strong woman is like.
Are you feeling what I'm feeling? What do you mean? I don't know what it is but something about that woman just doesn't seem right.
And now back to "PC Babies!" Hey, guys.
Hope it's cool we brought Kelly.
She wants to be in the club, too.
Oh, yes! That's very cool, girls! We're just setting up today's game.
It's a pirate miniatures game called "Blood & Plunder.
" Yeah, we saw it on the schedule.
We love "Blood & Plunder.
" Are we gonna play, like, a four-on-four skirmish with two different factions? Whoa.
You painted your miniatures? Yeah who wants unpainted miniatures, right? Where'd you learn to do that? We watch YouTube tutorials.
You can find a bunch on BGG.
I love BGG! Oh, cool.
Do you watch Game Night? Excuse me! We are going to play the six-hour long, very thematic "Nemesis.
" Oh, cool, we just watched the tutorial for that on "Dice Tower.
" NARRATOR: And now back to "Women in Sports" with Janet Spears.
Our next guest has been really lighting it up in women's competitions.
Since she's identified as female two weeks ago, she's won every female sport she's entered.
Please welcome Heather Swanson.
Well, thank you, Janet.
It's a great pleasure to be here.
I know that I am an inspiration to all women and trans athletes everywhere.
Yes.
We are all truly inspired.
Now, there are some women out there who just want to run and hide.
I'm talkin' to you, Strong Woman.
You still dare to call yourself that? Your name is a joke, because ol' Heather Swanson here will beat you anywhere, anytime, at anything.
Hey Don't let her get to you, Strong.
She's not getting to me.
You know, I don't know why she has such a grudge against you but Because I know her! What do you mean? It's Blade Jaggart.
He She is my ex boyfriend.
Wha Back when we were together, he was such an asshole.
When I finally broke up with him, he said, one day, he was going to get me back.
And now he's got us both by the balls.
But then she doesn't really care about trans people or women? He hates wom She hates women.
When I left him, he felt like he got beat by a girl, and nothing makes Blade Jaggart more crazy than getting beat by a girl.
I didn't even know people like that existed.
CARTMAN: It is unfair.
It is tyrannous, and it is wrong! Dice Studz is a board game group that brings thrills and laughter to dozens of boys at our school.
But that laughter is being turned into screams as girls constantly invade with their unfairness.
The girls found Eric on the first round of "Fury of Dracula"! Yes, inclusion is wonderful, but we have to admit that boys and girls are simply different in some ways that can sometimes make competitions unfair.
Have you ever seen how girls do their homework? They do it that night.
Meticulously going over every detail and often finishing before they absolutely have to.
This is how girls are with board game rule books.
Before we even start playing, they've already strategized a way to win, leaving others in the dust.
And now I'd like for you to hear from my friend Scott, who has diabetes.
"My name is Scott Malkinson, and I have diabetes.
" [WHISPERS.]
Terminal diabetes.
"I have terminal diabetes.
Board games are the only thing that give me relief from the physical and mental anguish I experience every day.
" Wow, Scott, I didn't know it was that bad.
Neither did I.
"Dice Studz is my only shot at happiness.
Please don't let outdated school policies destroy it.
" Wow.
Thank you, Scott.
Diabetes everyone.
We hope that our presentation has helped to change your minds about school clubs in our country.
If not, we will be back every single day.
Please, let Dice Studz be for studs.
Women's MMA fighting is growing in popularity and no other female fighter is as explosive as Heather Swanson.
Yeah! Heather, your story is an inspiration to sports fans everywhere.
Congratulations on your shocking success.
I just hope I can motivate little girls out there.
Motivate them to understand that I will beat them at any sport they try.
Motivate them to run away like that chicken shit Strong Woman did because I PC PRINCIPAL: Alright.
Alright.
That's enough.
You, uh You made your point, Heather.
- We get it, okay? - Oh, hey, Transphobe.
This is a nice surprise.
Oh, God.
What is he doing? Look, everyone I know we're all a little afraid to have any opinions on this stuff, but there can be situations where it's not so easy to What I mean is [STAMMERS.]
I didn't count on being the best since identifying as a woman.
Yeah, no shit, 'cause you went through puberty as a male, so your body is completely different.
And that's exactly what a transphobe would say! I told you not to call me a transphobe.
All I want is to have a discussion.
Transphobe.
[SCREAMS, SOBS.]
Oh, shit.
[SIGHS.]
Isn't this nice, you guys? Clean fresh air, soothing sounds just us boys and "Star Trek: Ascendancy.
" Hey, fellas! Come quick! You gotta see! See what? Well, it's the girls! They started their own board game club at the school! CARTMAN: "Board Girls"? How lame is that.
- The fuck is this? - Wow! Well, this is just like what you said Dice Studz would be, Eric! Oh, hey, guys.
Welcome to Board Girls.
Wanna have a look around? So, over here, we have our co-op games.
I think they're doing "Sub Terra" right now.
And there, we do our deck and engine builders.
Have you tried "Inuit"? It's really cool.
We have miniatures painting over there, and most of our miniatures gaming happens in that area.
Hey those girls are playing "Crisis Protocol"?! That's not even out yet! Yeah, we get advanced copies of games because our club reviews them for our gaming channel.
MR.
MACKEY: Hey, boys! You need to get out, mkay! No boys in the girls' school clubs.
- Come on, let's go.
- STAN: What?! Who says? New school policy, came down from the top.
Now get your asses outta there.
Well, who made up that stupid rule? Yeah, who made up that stupid rule? [SADLY.]
We now return to "PC Babies.
" Are you just not gonna come home? How am I gonna look my kids in the eyes, Strong? Since they were born, we've taught them to accept and fight for those who are marginalized, that there's no grey area when it comes to inclusion and acceptance.
When I go back, all they are going to see is a big fat hypocrite.
And now I just used a word to shame people with weight issues.
"P" you can't just shut down because you're afraid of how the babies are going to react.
But they're right, Strong.
I shoved a trans person.
No matter what, I have no right to judge her.
Do you think Could you try to explain it to the babies? You know how they are.
They're babies.
Their minds are made up before anyone says anything.
Then I've really got only one thing I can do.
I have to try and make things right with Heather Swanson.
Uh, hey, students.
As you know, we've had some issues here at the school that we are working very hard to correct.
So, today we are honored to have a motivational speaker.
She is the current Strong Woman Champion and also the champion in Women's MMA fighting and in Women's Wrestling.
Please welcome the inspiring Heather Swanson.
[UP-BEAT MUSIC PLAYS.]
Yeeaah! Fuck yeah! Oh, my God Hello, boys and girls.
I'm here to talk to you because, apparently, your school leaders have failed you.
I'm gonna tell you something, kids.
There's only one thing that matters in this world, and that's being the best.
Your Vice Principal teaches you girls to be strong, but she comes in second.
You got anything to say about that, PC Principal? No, Ms.
Swanson.
"No, Ms.
Swanson.
" You see, people don't look up to losers.
They look up to champions.
And every time I beat another woman, I feel better.
Dude, I really like this person.
And that's why I'm the best! Because Heather Swanson doesn't get beat.
I work to be the best at everything! And Heather Swanson will beat any other woman any time, anywhere! Bet you can't beat Nichole at "Blood Rage.
" What?! Wh-What did you say, transphobe? Yeah, but I bet you can't beat Tammy at "War of the Ring.
" You don't disrespect a champion, little girls! You think Heather Swanson doesn't know board games?! I was playing board games before your mom even crapped you out of her vagina.
Okay.
So, then, let's do it, bitch.
Oh, it's on.
Tabletop bloodbath, nothing left to say Your moment is here, time to make 'em pay - Strong Woman! - Strong Woman Strong! Woman! Smoke the competition, show 'em what you got All your painted miniatures are really paying off - Strong Woman! - Strong Woman Strong! Woman! Hey, wow Who's the Strong Woman now? And hey, you Thought you were the best, but you're about to lose To the Board Girls, they got the moves They pummeled you at "Alchemists" And kicked your ass in "Carcosonne" Board Girls, they know all the rules They watch Rodney Smith, Tom Vasel, and Becca Scott Hey, cool They made you look a fool And hey, sweet Take a step down, you just got beat By the Board Girls - [ALL CHEERING.]
- Strong! - Strong Woman, Strong Woman! - HEATHER: You think that's fair?! You only won because you dumb girls memorize the rule books! When I play games, I just wanna be a pirate or a spaceman.
That's right! You and your stupid rules! I may identify as a woman now, but I grew up a boy and so you have an unfair advantage over me! Yeah, an unfair advantage, you stupid girls! Come on, Ms.
Swanson.
We can go make our own club! [CHEERING RESUMES.]
You sure you're ready for this? I just want to get it over with.
- Mommy! - Momma! - Mommy! - Yay, Mommy! Yes, kids.
And look who else is here.
- Daddy! - Daddy! - Yeah, Daddy! - Dada! Dada.
I wove you.
I I don't understand.
They don't care.
They must see the nuance - to this whole situation.
- You're right! They realize that raising a gender-based issue of strength doesn't necessarily make one a bigot or a bully.
All this time, we were worried what the PC Babies would think.
And we didn't realize that our little babies are growing up.
[LAUGHTER.]