South Park s23e08 Episode Script

Turd Burglars

1 Goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ANNOUNCER: It's one for the ladies! Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind So come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine When I look out across this room, I see the backbone of our community.
The women of this town need to stand together! We are here, and we're proud.
And it is time to let everyone know that the women of South Park should be treated the same as the men! Oh! Aaaaah.
[FARTS.]
[GROANING.]
Oh, God! [FARTING CONTINUES.]
Ohhh, sorry.
[RETCHING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh-kay.
I'm alright.
Oh! [FARTING CONTINUES.]
Hello, boys.
Your mommy has a bacterial infection called C.
diff.
It's very contagious.
A bacterial infection? In her stomach? All of us have trillions of microscopic critters that grow on and inside our bodies, just like your mom.
There's tiny creatures which live in your mom's skin, on her eyelashes, in her vagina.
But the good bacteria in your mommy's tummy are being overrun by bad bacteria.
We can't use antibiotics because that will kill all the good bacteria, too.
So, what can you do for her? We need to take a healthy person's microbiome and start to grow it inside your mother.
We do this with a fecal transplant.
We'll get a donor's feces, mix it with water, and put it up your mom's anus.
Ewwww! Your mom is tough, kids.
We're gonna do the very best we can.
Try not to worry.
Ike, if mom lives we can't let anyone ever know about this.
I am shopping I'm grocery shopping I'm buying food for the people I love Sheila? Oh! Hi, Laura! My goodness, look at you! I thought you were sick! I was, but I had an amazing procedure! No, no, no, Mommy.
No, no, no, no! I had a fecal transplant.
- Oh! God damn it! - You had a what? A fecal transplant.
It's when they take the feces of a healthy donor and place it in your anus.
I feel like a million dollars! Sheila, is that you? I thought you were sick! I was, but I had a fecal transplant.
Aaaaah! I'm telling you girls, it solved every problem I've ever had! I've lost weight! I have more energy! I even think my arthritis is clearing up! Well, that certainly is interesting.
Looking great, Sheila! Thanks, Janice! Fecal transplant! NARRATOR: If you're watching this video, then your mom probably had a fecal transplant.
And the one question on your mind is most likely, "How do I keep my friends from ripping on me?" - Yes! - People make fun of what they don't understand.
So, let's learn why your mom had a fecal transplant.
It was to replace her microbiome.
Germs, bugs, thousand of organisms are all around you all the time.
That remote control your holding It's teaming with life - Bacteria and other organisms.
- Eugh! They also live on your clothes - Eesh! - Small organisms are everywhere.
Now, scratch your balls.
Go on.
If you don't have balls, scratch whatever else might be down there.
Now smell your fingers.
That smell is millions of living organisms that you've just scraped from your crotch and are now going up inside your nostrils Your microbiome.
Ewwwww! Creatures live in your teeth.
They live on your eyelashes, on your skin.
And trillions and trillions live inside your body.
In fact, of all the cells in your body only half are human cells.
The other half are all microscopic organisms! Aaaaaaah! [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
- How is your salmon, Sheila? - Oh, it's amazing.
You know, I could never eat like this before.
My allergy to shellfish has literally gone away.
Oh, my gosh.
That's so wonderful! Oh, [CHUCKLES.]
that reminds me.
So, Sheila, um, the girls and I were talking Well, you seem so great, and we thought how nice it would be for us to have a little bit of your poop.
[SCOFFS.]
What? Well, thing is, we asked our doctors about getting fecal transplants, too, and they said they only do them for "medical reasons.
" So, we have to do them on our own.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Oh, well You know, girls, if the doctor doesn't think it's safe, you probably shouldn't be doing DIY transplants.
No, that's very true, isn't it? We were just thinking that your microbiome is so healthy now, it would be nice to share a little.
Yeah.
Uh Uh, I mean It's not that I don't want to share everything with my friends.
It's just, you know I'm sorry it just doesn't seem right.
And that is totally fine! If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't right! - [CHUCKLES.]
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Oh, this is Kyle.
Sorry, girls, let me take this.
- Oh, okay! - Okay.
That cunt! I told you she'd say no.
How much of a bitch can you be? Won't share your feces? Talk about anal retentive.
Fuck her.
Fuck her.
[HEARTBEAT POUNDING.]
KYLE: [THINKING.]
Half the cells in my body half They're inside me right now, alive all over me The bookcase The bookcase! [SCREAMS.]
Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying? Half the cells in our bodies aren't human.
Right now, there are alive creatures in your eyelashes and in your teeth! So.
.
? "So"?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're they're going into your mouth And mixing with trillions of other little bugs that are alive inside you.
You aren't even totally you! Dude, Kyle why are you talking about all this? Okay, guys.
Listen.
My mom had a fecal transplant.
[SPITS.]
Ha! [LAUGHS.]
Fecal transplant! [LAUGHS.]
Hi, Kyle.
I'm Harriet.
Henrietta and Bradley's mommy? I've been looking all over town for you! Why? Well, I went to the video game store, and I bought this "Jedi Fallen Order.
" It's getting great reviews Thought you might want it.
- Whaaat? - Yeah! He wants it! Great! Could you just do one little thing for me, Kyle? Mrph rmhmhm rm! When you go back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop and put it in this jar? What?! Ew! - No! - Yes! I don't need much.
I'm sure you can find a way to sneak it from her.
You do that, and the game is all yours! That is disgusting! Absolutely not.
Kyle.
Oh, well.
Think about it.
The offer stands.
I heard you can customize your own light saber.
What is your problem? What is my problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit.
Dude, you realize we won't get that game till Christmas.
We could be playing it tomorrow.
Mrph rmh mhm! I said no, and that's final! [PIPES SQUEAKING.]
She's in! Kyle's mom just squatted on the toilet! Okay.
We've got contact.
You ready with the bucket, Kenny? Mrph mhm! Place it directly under this pipe.
Alright.
That should just about do it.
Now we just wait for the flush.
Mrph rmh mhm! That's good she's not flushing yet.
That means she's got more serious business, and serious business is just what we're after.
You think she'll poop a big enough log? You see how fat Kyle's mom is? That bitch must poop at least 2 pounders.
KYLE: The fuck are you doing? Oh, hey, Kyle.
What's goin' on? You are not stealing my mom's shit! Kyle, this is the world we are living in, okay? People are finding new and exciting ways to get healthy, and who are we to stand in their way? [TOILET FLUSHES.]
It just freaks me out, Doc.
We all have these things living inside our bodies, and everyone just seems fine with it.
It's like as soon as people learn they have microbiomes, the first thing they want to do is start swapping them! Well, young man, the truth is, we still don't know a lot about the microbiome.
But you shouldn't let it freak you out.
But where does it stop?! Then are people just gonna start wanting skinny people's microbiomes to be skinny or an athletes' microbiome to feel athletic and young again? Yes, it's possible, but we don't know enough.
There is no "super feces," which can make you athletic and young.
Well, like what about Tom Brady's poop? [THINKING.]
The spice He knows about the spice.
I-I'm just saying that Tom Brady seems to work really hard on his diet and stuff.
His shit must be pretty good.
More than pretty good.
The Spice Melange.
What? Nothing.
It's unobtainable.
The Spice.
But could he be the one to bring it here? ANNOUNCER: And now back to "One For the Ladies"! Have you been in that store at all? No, I think it's new, isn't it? It used to be that watch store.
Oh, my God! Harriet? Oh! Hi, girls! What's new? My goodness! Look at you! You look great! What happened? Fecal transplant.
It's true what they say.
I feel 20 years younger.
- [HORN HONKS.]
- Lookin' good, Mrs.
B! Fecal transplant, Damon! Keep your eyes on the road! Harriet? Oh.
Hey, Sheila.
You're looking chipper today.
Yeah, I had a little procedure done.
Fecal transplant.
I thought the doctor wouldn't give you a fecal transplant, Harriet.
No, I did it myself.
With a turkey baster.
Where did you get the feces? Well, it's really none of your business, Sheila.
It's a private matter, a fecal transplant.
I'd really rather not talk about it.
- See ya, girls.
- ALL: Bye, Harriet! Two faced bitch! You know what she said about you at lunch? - What? - She called you the C-word.
- You're joking! - Oh, no! Clearly, she couldn't stand that you were the only one in town who's shit didn't stink.
Fuck her.
Fuck her.
Boys, I brought you in here because some rumors are floating around the school, mkay.
These rumors are that you three somehow stole feces from Kyle's mom, mkay, and gave it to Mrs.
Biggle in return for "Jedi Fallen" Order.
" That is 100% untrue.
Mkay, well, someone in this school is a little turd burglar, and I want some answers.
How can we answer that to which we have no knowledge? [WHISPERING.]
Very nice.
Very nice.
It must be hard having to take turns playing "Jedi Fallen Order.
" It's a single player game, I believe.
Wouldn't know.
Oh, because I could get you each your own copy.
That would be a lot a fun, wouldn't it? You guys stole the poop.
Could you do it again? You want us to steal some of Kyle's mom's poop for you? Not Kyle's mom's.
Someone else's.
Whose? [THINKING.]
The Spice.
I must have it.
The Spice Melange.
Alright.
Alright.
Um, proud of our team today.
It was, uh You know, I thought the defense did a great job keeping us in the game.
And, again, I think the offense has a lot of room for improvement and all that starts with me.
Questions? Yeah.
Can we have your poop? No, guys, I'm not gonna take any requests for my microbiome.
I just wanna focus on the team.
We're 10-1 now, you know? But we can't let up.
Yeah? Please, can we have your poop.
Okay, I'm not I'm not gonna stay out here.
You guys.
It's just Does anyone have a real question? Tom, after you leave here, are you gonna go eat somewhere - or go right home and - No, no.
See? I'm not gonna tell you guys where I'm doing because then you're all gonna try and follow me into the bathroom.
You're not taking my feces, so unless you have a football question, we're done here.
Can we buy your poop? KYLE: [THINKING.]
Microbiome Inside me They are inside me.
Are they a part of me? When I eat, they eat.
When I die, they consume me and continue to live.
Am I just an Airbnb in Santa Clarita? They're not a part of me.
They are me.
The bookcase.
The bookcase! You have to understand, a lot of people want things from Tom Brady.
He has to be a little protective.
Yes, we do understand.
We just Well, since you're his publicist we thought that You could give Mr.
Brady our message It's alright Stan.
Don't cry.
You see, ma'am, our friend little Kenny here is dying.
And he's he's just the biggest Patriots fan.
You know, I can call him, but he's very busy right now with the season.
Well, if Mr.
Brady could just, you know, have Kenny stay over at his house for a night.
Kind of like a Michael Jackson kind of thing.
Ohhghghgh! Oh, gosh, we're losing him! We need to make this happen quickly, ma'am.
They want the spice.
Just like the rest.
Perhaps they are the ones Uh, ma'am? TOM BRADY'S PUBLICIST: A chance.
Perhaps.
They could actually obtain the Spice Melange Let me see what I can do.
Girls, can I just say You both look fantastic.
Oh, thanks girlfriend.
We've been working out and dieting, you know Not cheating, like that bitch Harriot.
Well, it's great you guys are doing it the natural way and we don't have to deal with Harriot anymore.
There you are, you Goddamn bitch! I will take you to court, fat whore! Harriot, I do not like your tone You knew I was going to steal your poo, and so you tainted it, didn't you?! What are you talking about? I have been shitting and throwing up all day! It has to be from your feces! So, you did take my poo, huh, Harriot? That's besides the point now! Oh, is it? 'Cause the girls told me you called me the C word the other day! Oh, you're all backstabbing bitches now! Fuck you, Harriot! Uhhh Okay, ladies.
Come on Just admit it! I can't stop puking and shitting because of what you did to me! [MOANS.]
What the fuck? You thought you were such hot shit, Harriot.
We took the leftover feces from your house, and put it up our asses with a Turkey baster! Oh.
Oh, God.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to "One for the Ladies.
" [WIND HOWLS.]
[ROARS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hello, ma'am.
We are the darling children who's dying friend is all set to meet Tom Brady.
I am Mabel Gonzales, the housekeeper.
They're here for the spice.
I can sense it.
CARTMAN: I wonder why everyone keeps taking really long pauses after they talk? STAN: People just keep looking at me like I'm supposed to say something.
KENNY: Why did I agree to this? I don't even have a machine to play Fallen Order on.
Come on in.
Mr.
Brady is just using the bathroom.
Music to your ears, I suppose.
We've got more sick incoming.
Try and make some more room.
We have a major epidemic, here, detective.
C-diff has spread to half the town.
We don't have enough staff or enough supplies to keep up with it.
How did this happen?! Apparently, the outbreak started at a restaurant, when some women got sick on everybody.
The women contracted C-diff by giving themselves DIY fecal transplants.
So, they got sick from another woman's feces? No.
They got sick from using this A common household turkey baster.
It's a thing most people only use once a year, around Thanksgiving.
The rest of the year, it just sits in a drawer, collecting bacteria.
And then, the ladies went and stuck it up their asses.
Oh, those ladies! It gets worse.
We're completely out of healthy donor feces.
Even if we found a donor at this point it wouldn't be enough to give everyone transplants.
So what happens next? With how contagious C-diff is, and how deadly, half of South Park is going to die.
Jesus.
What have those rascally ladies done? So you're all here to meet Tom Brady, too? Yeah.
I'm a sports writer.
Getting a little interview.
A little interview, and hopefully more.
Yes, and we are here with our little girl who's dying, just like your friend.
I'm dying, Mommy? Shut up, Theresa! The Spice Melange.
It is here in this house.
Everyone, the honorable Thomas Brady.
Hey, everybody.
The rest of you, stand back! They all deceive you, Mr.
Brady! They only want to get to the Spice Melange! Oh, God, not again.
Alright, everybody out.
Come on.
Let's go.
Mr.
Brady, can we just see your basement really fast? Nope.
Nope.
That's all.
If you people want a healthy microbiome, then proper diet and healthy choices, alright? That's it.
You are all being ridiculous.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Kyle? Dude, what are you doing here? You don't get to be part of Turd Burglars now, Kyle.
The Bookcase.
[ALL GASPING, "OH" ING.]
Okay, look, I got sick of people going to my basement and screwing with my plumbing.
The spice.
So much of it.
Enough for everyone.
Enough to bring peace to all.
I stopped flushing them because people kept breaking my pipes to get them.
Never, in my wildest dreams, did I believe so much could be obtained.
This is enough for all the universe.
I mean, you'd all do the same thing if people were always trying to steal your shit.
That's good.
Stay still.
Almost there.
Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.
And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriot.
Girls this was all my fault.
I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.
I hope we can all be besties again.
DOCTOR: You ladies are pretty lucky.
If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars, here, you'd be dead and also responsible for the deaths of countless others.
Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on? I didn't know.
My microbiome did.
All along, they were trying to tell me something.
I've really learned that I'm not just me.
I'm also all the creatures inside of me.
From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more.
Well, I think we've all learned something.
"One for the Ladies" is one too many for the ladies.
[LAUGHTER.]