Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s03e01 Episode Script


My guests will be strictly "a" list Buckley,
sununu, Powell, Hasselhoff
none of the hoi polloi you get here.
I call the show insects' aside.
We'll sound off on any number of
galactic conundrums whilst gorging
ourselves on mantis larvae hors d'oeuvres.
It sounds glorious.
- So, what say you?
- Do I have my director?
I want to guest-host.
Oh, well, uh, I'm afraid we don't have enough chairs.
How about good dental?
Done and done, my good man.
And 52 weeks vacation?
Right, then.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Oh, and, uh, a nice sharp cheddar cheese.
Oh! We're canceling you.
Can we get some royalties on those quotes?
- -
- So, what happens to the ghost?
He can replace you with that impetuous younger brother of his.
You mean speed racer?
Oh, we need a Space Ghost.
I dare you aah!
Uh-huh. Yes.
Just let me get situated here.
You ready?
Uh-huh. You ok there?
Right. Are you ready?
- Ni! I got you!
- Got you!
Ha ha ha!
Oh, God, where am I going to find the money for my house?
Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment
group - and U.S. department of education
- greetings.
- Welcome to my show.
On tonight's show, we have former monty pythonite Terry Jones.
Stupid git.
We have former monty pythonite Terry Jones.
And now for someone completely indifferent.
- All righty.
- It's fun time, America.
Put the cares of the day behind you.
It's time for fun.
Please welcome my first guest Terry Jones.
- Hi, Space Ghost.
- Nice to be here.
Jones, Jones, Jones.
French, is it?
Well, you could say that, and here I am.
And I did, my little limey friend.
Have you been to that place in France where,
uh Well, you know
the girls, apparently, they Mmm?
Naked girls.
Well, we have, Space Ghost.
Now it's your turn.
To undress?
I'm afraid so. Yes.
Oh, la vache.
You're speaking another language.
I've just lost you, Space Ghost. I'm sorry.
Terry, answer me these questions three.
Hang on.
- Maybe it was somebody walking by.
- You never know.
- I've got you, Space Ghost.
- Sorry about that.
Terry, answer me these questions three.
They were 3 in a row there.
Uh, right. What is your secret identity?
Tongueman. Yes.
Tongueman, what is your quest?
To tell you about lady cottington's pressed fairy book
because it's really one of the
most remarkable finds this century,
Space Ghost.
One of the most remarkable finds of
the century, who was the composer
of the warsaw piano concerto?
I'm glad you asked that question, Space Ghost.
I had to play the warsaw piano concerto
while escaping from 7 padlocks
and a sack.
Right. Who was the composer of the warsaw piano concerto?
Uh sviatoslav Richter, clown.
Need some time to think about this?
Well Now?
Eddie George, the governor of the bank of england.
- Eddie George?
- I think so.
Eddie George?
Boys, is it just me?
I don't want to force anybody's hand here, but
I'm beefy, aren't I?
I am beefy tonight.
Most beefy indeed.
Earlier, you mentioned lady cottington's pressed fairy book.
Any monkeys in that?
There are some monkeys in this.
Are they cute monkeys or scary monkeys?
Um You know Terry the muscle ratio in cute monkeys is 7-to-1.
But you wouldn't know it from looking at them would you?
Ha ha ha! No.
In scary monkeys, it's 9-to-1.
How about that?
Nearly as interesting as my history of the crusades.
You done?
Yes, yes.
The corner office, the parking space, the cheese tray.
Yes, yes.
The corner office, the parking space, ok.
Now, then, do we have a deal?
Not so fast.
I need to send the contract to my agent.
- Agent?
- Who is your agent?
The funny ultra 7 guy.
The funny ultra 7 guy?
Oh, I love the funny ultra 7 guy.
Kiss him for me.
What superpowers do you have?
There's only one, but I can't tell you about it.
You can tell me.
No, it's a bit rude.
You can tell me.
- No, Space Ghost.
- It's very rude.
You can tell me.
MmmNo. No.
I command you to tell me.
I can touch every part of my body with my tongue.
Stop there, villain!
Well, you must have impeccable taste.
Ha ha ha!
And a way with women, I believe.
What do you mean?
Oh, uh, I see.
Did you monty python men ever get really angry when you found out
Benny hill was getting all the girls?
- Oh, we was livid.
- We used to stamp our little feet.
You should have seen us.
- Oh, we was livid.
- We used to stamp our little feet.
We never got any chicks, I have to say.
Well, except you know, except our wives, of course.
Ok, so if Benny hill got the girls and
your wives got the chicks, what did
you guys get?
We got the queen, so we must be better off than everybody else.
Eh, fergie.
The other two what's their name?
Charles and di.
- Um, no, no.
- There's the other guy.
There's the guy with the sandwich, um, no, no.
There's the other guy.
With the hat and the dogs.
You know, there's what's-her-name, queen labyrinth of scottdale
or whatever No, no, no.
And then there's lord fishtoe of you know, the royal guy.
No, no, Space Ghost.
You know, the one I'm talking about
he's got the tie and the nose
Freddie Mercury.
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
- Right now. Come on.
- In here.
I think it looks like they're not getting on together, you know.
- No, no.
- They're quite happy.
Mamma Mia, mamma Mia, mamma Mia, let me go
Have you ever met the royal family?
- No, I never have.
- I've never met them.
Oh, I did go to a royal garden party once.
- Queen's garden party at Buckingham Palace.
- I went to it, yes.
- Did they serve egg and bacon;
- Egg, sausage, and bacon;
- egg and spam;
- Egg, bacon, and spam;
egg, bacon, sausage, and spam;
Spam, bacon, sausage, and spam Spam, oh, lovely spam
spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam
Oh, yes, I see how difficult it
would be to leave all this behind.
I always thought it ought to have a
little bit more verse to it than that.
I mean, that's all there is, really.
If I could save spam in a bottle
Thank you.
Start spreading the spam
Take the last train to spamville
the sun will come out
Thank you.
Ah. That sounds more interesting.
It's not more interesting, tongueman.
It's brilliant brilliant!
Incense, peppermints, a big can of spam
Made with hog snouts, it's not ham
Hunky-dory down to clause b-17, additional duties.
According to this, my client is
responsible for heating your personal
swimming pool, entombing Hollywood and
all of its citizenry in molten lava,
and promoting your show during shopping
mall appearances with cast members
of the real world.
I believe it's all standard, lover.
- I'm sorry, Moltar.
- Regrettably, I must depart.
Can't keep the house of style people waiting, you know.
I'll return in a jiffy.
Do try to have an answer for me.
Kiss kiss, lover.
No puck. Forget that guy.
- -
- Hello.
It's just the way I talk. Sorry.
We're back here at the ghost planet talking with Terry Jones.
Terry, who is your favorite cartoon character?
Apart from you, I think it's probably Space Ghost.
Hey, good answer!
You know, that little toad maris
called me a dumb cartoon character.
Space Ghost, don't think of yourself like that!
Space Ghost, please don't think of yourself like that!
- Look on the bright side.
- You're not a dumb cartoon.
You're articulate, you're very,
very cartoony, and very animated.
Very masculine.
As a cartoon character, you're it, as far as I'm concerned.
That's right. I'm it.
Can I lick you, Space Ghost?
You can lick me anytime, tongueman.
I want a lick.
No, zorak.
Bandleaders don't get licks.
That's the first time I've ever licked a cartoon.
Come on. Lick me!
No lick, zorak.
Come on. Lick me!
- Come on. Lick me.
- I want a lick.
Zorak, I'm not going to argue with you about this.
You don't get a lick, and that's the end of it.
You don't get a lick, and that's the end of it.
- Ok.
- No matter what.
- Got it.
- No arguments.
Got a problem with that, zorak?
No problem.
And that's the end of it.
And I don't want to hear another peep out of you.
Got me?
Got me, bug?
Ok, then. Terry
Oop. I've unplugged you again, Space Ghost.
Sorry about this.
You wore funny clothes and said
In my excitement, I've unclicked the whatsit.
Moltar, what's wrong with Terry?
That includes a 401-k plan, right?
I do wish to see your face one day.
- Oh, look.
- It's captain cliche.
You, you fool, and your horse and your mum your big, fat mum.
Well, that's funny like crutches,
lokar, but loud actions speak words,
and it looks like you've got your wall back, because a bird
in the hand is worth this destructo-ray.
My next guest is a musician.
Please welcome Glen Phillips of toad the wet sprocket.
Hello. How are you?
Citizen Glen, the name of your band
comes from a monty python skit.
What a coincidence.
Ambidextrous Rex, lead electric triangle
player for toad the wet sprocket,
had his elbow removed following their
recent worldwide tour of Finland.
Well, we're out of time.
- Thanks for watching.
- Good night.
Moltar, are we clear?
So, what's going on, zorak?
We're going to dothan on Saturday for pleasure.
Mmm. They have them factory outlets there.
You know, I really enjoy dense food.
If it was, like, a choice between a flaky pastry or a muffin
- It would be the muffin.
- No contest.
You know what's good is cheese.
That'il block you up.
You hate when I do this, don't you?
- I want a chair.
- I want to sit down for a change.
I want a chair that says "Moltar,"
and it'll be Moltar's chair.
It'll be beautiful.
That's what I want.
If he gets a chair, I get a puppy!
All right, my little unhappy monkeys.
Coming up next on the cartoon network,
the ghost planet will explode.
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