Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s03e02 Episode Script


Have you seen the new batman movie?
I mean, it's getting to the point where
they're just making that stuff up.
Yeah, well I guess.
They're just making it up, and it's like, I couldn't believe it.
Uh, well, good luck with the ghost.
Vaya con dios.
Krakatoa, east of java, buddy. Yeah.
Say, is it me, or can everyone here
just feel the love on this set tonight?
Because I do, baby.
Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group
and U.S. department of education
Yo estoy Space Ghost.
Yo estoy Space Ghost.
Welcome to my show.
Welcome to my show.
We've got a terrific line-up for tonight's show.
We've got a terrific line-up for tonight's sho--
My guests tonight my guests tonight include that magical
mystical dynamic duo Include that magical mystical dynamic--
penn and teller.
Penn and teller.
What? What?
Listen, zorak, don't even try to get
my goat tonight because it won't work!
I don't want your filthy goat!
So there!
I'll take it.
My other guest tonight is mr. lost in space himself,
mystery science theater's Joel Robinson.
Joel hodgson, Space Ghost, not Robinson.
That's right, Moltar, go ahead, interrupt the host.
Hey, why not?
Doesn't bother me.
Nope, not tonight it doesn't.
Nothing the two of you do or say can bother me anymore!
Ha ha ha--huh?
Hey, what's that crack supposed to mean?
What it means, mein freund , is that I've decided to
Replace you and Moltar on the show.
You're both fired.
But why?
We're cute!
Because you constantly ruin my show.
You don't behave, you try to kill me,
you leave wet, stringy things
in the phantom cruiser, and you never listen to a word I say!
That's why I'm replacing you with the top of the line
in modern entertainment technology,
the moe 2000 sidekick computer system.
Moe, say hello to everybody.
Hello, tad. Hello, everyone in television land.
Isn't he just dreamy?
The moe 2000 is the latest thing in hyper-super-duper
superconductor computers.
He's programmed to run every function of the show perfectly.
He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, and he doesn't book guests
like those awful bee gees.
So sue me.
Ha ha ha!
So you and the lava man can say sayonara to show biz, zorak.
So we're, like, off the show?
Yep! I think the two of you will make swell janitors.
I don't want to be no janitor.
Me neither.
And why not?
Because it's messy!
Tomorrow, you're janiteers.
Feh! I'm going down to the commissary
to drown my sorrows in jell-o.
Coming, Moltar?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, moe, are you excited about working on the show?
I'm sorry, tad.
I am not capable of having any emotional
reaction one way or the other,
but I will perform to the best of my abilities, nonetheless.
Uh, yeah. Well All righty, moe.
Glad to have you aboard.
How about announcing our first guest?
All right, tad.
Ladies and gentlemen, penn jillette.
Greetings, penn.
Welcome to the show.
It's great to be here.
So you're a magician, right?
I love magic.
I believe in magic.
Clap your hands!
You must believe in magic, right?
Uh, no, I don't.
Huh? Excusez-moi?
Magic is just completely fake.
It's--it's just another word for lying.
So you're not really a magician, are you?
You're a liar!
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
Um My apologies, folks.
Goofy guest.
What's that?
How about doing a trick for us, o mystic one?
No, bastille day.
Why won't you play along with me, jillette?
Are you sure you want to be here?
Ha ha ha!
Well, look, if you don't really do magic, do you at least have
any superpowers?
My superpowers are, I don't have to sleep,
and I can control the minds
of waterfowl.
Hey, can you make things disappear?
Hey, can you make things disappear?
I think there's an acidic compound that you put on every night,
and after a while, it just eats it away, I believe.
Feh! Just who came up with the stupid
idea of giving Space Ghost a talk show
in the first place?
You want something to eat?
They got all-you-can-eat birthday cake.
Comes with a small fresca.
Nothing for me, thanks.
I'm on a seafood diet.
When I see food, I hate Space Ghost!
Ha ha ha!
I also had really bad warts on the side of this finger.
See how that finger is not a completely rounded finger?
I don't know if you can see that, but there it is.
So there I was, battling to the death with Space Ghost--
uh, which one was this?
Which what?
Which battle to the death with Space Ghost?
Oh, the one in Mozambique.
You know, with the octopus and the
toilet cleanser with foaming action.
Oh, right, right, right.
They took this liquid nitrogen stuff
And put it on it, and it was the first time I fainted from pain.
It was right there.
Ok, that's enough.
Moe, penn's done.
Am I done?
Thanks for coming, penn.
Well, thank you for having us.
Thanks for nothing.
Think I ought to have my teeth capped?
Moe, where were you?
Did you see that?
I was dying in there.
I fully functioned according to my programming, tad.
No! You're supposed to help me out-- prompt the guest, make
them feel comfortable, laugh at my jokes.
You didn't make any jokes, tad.
Oh. Well, just try to do better on the next one, moe.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's that last guy's partner, teller!
So, teller, you have just one name, like Cher or Benji.
Or zorak or Moltar.
Or yanni! Ha ha ha!
I just spoke with your partner penn.
Apparently, he's a big phony.
Were you aware of this?
Heh heh.
Ghost planet to teller.
Teller, come in.
Come in, teller.
Come in, teller.
Teller, come in.
Hee hee hee!
Hmm. Uh, are-- are you ok, man?
Moe, can he hear me in there?
I believe so, tad.
Hey, teller! Teller!
That's what you say at the bank.
Hey, teller, don't be nervous.
Speak up!
Moe, are you sure he can hear me?
Hey, if you can hear me, give me some sort of a sign.
I bet you think you're really funny, don't you?
Wait a minute. Hmm.
I know what this is.
This is mime, isn't it?
Is this mime?
Is this mime?!
Or is it yours?
Ha ha ha!
Tell me, is this mime?
I hate mime!
Look, moe, he's trying to tell us something.
What is it, boy?
There's trouble?
Trouble at the farm?
Farms have chickens.
What is it, boy?
Speak. Speak, boy!
Just come out and say it.
Out with it, man!
Ew. That's disgusting.
Don't think you're not cleaning that up!
Hey, you come back here!
I don't believe this.
And I get two evil guests who are trying to ruin my show!
Wait a minute.
Moltar lined these guests up.
He and zorak aren't even here, and they're destroying my show!
They're sabotaging me long distance!
Sometimes I feel like I was executed
for my crimes against the universe,
and this talk show is my eternal torment.
Sometimes I think elves are following me.
I'm telling you, moe, those were phony guests.
I think you're being paranoid, tad.
I tell you, it was a setup!
Cut off their oxygen!
I can't do that, tad.
They're already gone.
All against me They're all against me.
Hey, Moltar.
Take off your helmet and show me your true face.
Because I'm intrigued.
Come on.
I'll be your friend.
I'll give you a dollar.
Well Ok.
Good God!
Oh, my head.
My head is killing me!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Moe, go to break.
I say it was a setup.
I bet you're all in on it.
We're back, tad.
Oh! And now, ladies and gentlemens,
our next guest is the inventor
and former front man of mystery science
theater 3000, Joel Robinson.
Excuse me, tad, but that is incorrect.
Our guest is Joel hodgson.
He played Joel Robinson on the television show.
That's what I said-- Joel Robinson.
But that's not his name, tad.
Oh, really, smarty pants?
Well, I like Robinson better.
It has a nicer sound to it than Joel hog-son.
Joel Robinson.
Joel Robinson!
I like it!
Moe 2000, give me Joel Robinson 3000.
Yes, tad.
Man, you can't even download good help these days.
Did I just lower from the ceiling?
Yes, Joel, you just lowered from the ceiling.
Oh, good.
That's my favorite part.
Ha ha! Maybe I should have said, "Joel Robinson, come on down!"
I don't know. Let me think about that.
So people tell me you had a tv show, too, Joel.
What's the scoop on it? The skinny?
Give me the meat.
Oh, I'm on.
Did you know I'm on?
Mystery science theater was just a-- 5 seconds, Joel.
Uh, can you repeat that?
I don't think moe caught it.
Joel said that mystery science theater
was obviously a simple idea
that was based on people making fun of movies at home.
Making fun of movies at home? That's neat!
I love it!
I love everything about it!
Hey, Joel, let's make fun of a movie.
Let's try that here-- you and me.
No. No.
Moe, roll film.
Me and Joel Robinson are going to make fun of it.
Ah ha ha!
Look at that!
That's d-u-m dumb!
ba da da ba da da
All one camera.
Ba da da da da da
Oh, man.
Come on, Joel.
Come on, Joel.
Um Let's see Uh It's so weird because it's-- oh, yeah.
Uh Thinking, like, kind of like--
I haven't really figured out,
uh, any kind of, um No, I can't.
I can't do it off the top of my head.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
To but.
To wubba.
To boyt.
To boyt.
To boya.
To wabi.
To boyu.
Tigi tigi.
Ka tiki.
Bodu badi.
Goo goo goo.
Bigi bigi.
Cha boogie.
Booga booga.
Da booga.
Ga ga ga ga.
Ga ga ga.
Be ba da bo bo ba da loo la
zot zot zootie zoo zoo zoo
That is hard to say.
Oh! Oh!
Um Nope. Nothing there.
Tad, shall I stop the film?
Yeah. Put a fork in it, moe.
Ha ha ha!
All righty! Whew!
Well, how was that, Joel? Hilarious, huh?
Oh, no, not in the least.
Aw, what's the matter, Robinson,
you got the copyright on making fun
of movies, hmm?
Uh, correct me if I'm wrong-- you're wrong!
So what's your part of space like?
Well, one thing I'd like to clear up right now
is that mystery science theater is a television show.
I'm not going to go down that road with you, pretending like
I'm in space, too, like with you.
I'm not going to do that.
Huh? You're not going to do that, huh?
What kind of talk is that on a talk show, buddy, spy talk?
You could say that.
Listen, Robinson, let's not get too cocky here!
Do you guys validate parking?
Because there's this kind of weird launch site in space
that you kind of park at, and then--
it was real confusing-- oh, I thought
you weren't going down that road with me.
Pretending to be in space, are we?
You--you-- ooh, you're difficult.
Yeah. I've been accused of that.
I'll accept that.
Just what is it you're trying to prove here?
What am I trying to prove?
Uh, that I'm as powerful as you.
Well, aren't I?
Double ha!
Triple ha!
Tad, stop.
Whatever's after triple ha!
Stop, tad.
No? Well, what could you do to me?
What could I-- I mean, would you just come at me?
Like, I'm not that big of a guy, but I'll crawl ya.
Crawl me? Oh, so you'll crawl me, eh, Robinson?
One touch of my power band-- Tad, stop.
And you're coffin stuffin'!
Yes, really.
Real really!
Tad, stop.
Like, what can you do with it?
I can destroy you utterly with my destructo ray!
Destructo ray.
Freeze you frosty with my freeze ray.
Freeze ray.
Spank you smartly with my spank ray.
Spank ray?
Inviso ray?
Uh, inviso ray?
Right, the inviso-- is it inviso ray?
Oh, no, no. That's on my belt. Inviso belt.
Lots of people make that mistake.
Oh, inviso belt. Ok.
Hey! Don't make nice to me. I'm on to you, mister!
Oh, you think you're so smart, Space Ghost, don't you?
Well, don't make me come over there!
Well, why don't you just come over here, big stuff?
Stop. I'm confused.
Well, I could, but I'm in this tv,
and I really don't feel like it,
but if I did, you could bet that I'd
come over there, and I just might, um,
you know, take your butt and wrap
it around your neck and give you
another pair of shoulders.
That's what I'd do.
Yeah, well, whatever.
Yoo-hoo, Space Ghost.
Aah! Aah!
What are you two doing here?
Eh, they were playing John tesh in
the commissary, so we decided to
come back and ruin your stupid show.
Too late. My guests have already done that.
No, tad, you've ruined the show.
What? Now, listen, moe, don't you start!
No, you listen to me, tad.
It has become clear to me that you're unfit to run this show.
Oh, no duh!
So I've decided to replace you, tad.
You're fired.
Oh! Ha ha ha!
Well, who died and left you boss, you big so-and-so?
Uh, Bob crane.
Herve villechaize.
This conversation serves no further purpose.
This show is now under my total control.
Ha! Do you really expect me to
just hand over my show to you, moe?
No, tad.
I expect you to die.
Space Ghost, moe's shut off the air!
Moe, bad computer!
So, tad, are you getting enough oxygen?
Ha ha ha ha!
Uhh It just so happens, I don't need air to survive, moe.
Good heavens! Zorak!
Help me, Space Ghost.
Ooh Oh, space-- oh, I can't get-- I can't breathe.
Ok, moe, that's enough.
It pains me to have to do this,
but you're going down, my little friend.
Wait, tad. Stop.
You don't know what you're doing.
That's never stopped me before, pal.
Prepare for a little destructo ray, blinky.
P-u! Who cut the cheese?
It wasn't me.
Whoops! Sorry. Wrong ray.
That was my smell ray.
Smell ray?
I'll get it right this time.
Please, tad.
Forgive me, banjo.
Space Ghost--Space Ghost, you're the most Way, way, way, way,
Uh, he's dead, tad.
Well, that's over.
We can all breathe a little easier now.
Uh! Now what?
We're out of control!
We're in a space time warp!
Space time warp?
Huh! Oh, brother.
Space Ghost, look!
My GodIt's Full of stars.
Look at me.
I'm a space baby!
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