Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s03e08 Episode Script


It seems that every time I use the
men's room around here, there's
no toilet tissue.
Is it too much to ask that when you
people use up the toilet tissue,
you replace it?
Is that so hard? It's not brain surgery, you know.
Don't look at me.
I don't use the men's room.
I use the little mantis'
room down the hall.
I don't go to the bathroom.
Get out! Everyone goes to the bathroom!
Even Audrey hepburn went to the bathroom!
Well, I don't.
My metabolism naturally processes all my body waste.
No muss, no fuss.
That's disgusting.
Ah, you're just jealous.
Greetings, citizens!
I'm Space Ghost.
Joining us tonight-- little miss
Cindy Brady herself, Susan Olsen;
and that scary Halloween schtickster girl, elvira.
Yeah, yeah, get on with it.
Space Ghost glares at zorak and invisos over to desk.
My first guest is that adorable
little Brady moppet, the youngest one
in curls--Susan Olsen.
Hey there, Susan.
Susan, Susan, bobusan, banana, fanna, fofusan
me, my, momusan
Ha ha ha!
Susan, welcome to my show.
How are you today?
I'm fine.
How are you?
I'm a big fan of you Brady kids.
I have all your albums.
It's true.
I scratched them all myself.
Susan, does it terrify you to be on a
talk show with a host as mighty as me?
Um Well, no
Because I actually hadn't heard of the show.
Oh, I see.
Well Ha ha ha!
Susan, has being a Brady ever held you back--
you know, professionally?
It was very difficult to get acting
roles afterwards because, you know,
I got very typecast.
Ha ha!
Typecast, huh?
Hey, thay thomething thindy to the audienth, thuthan.
Theven thilver thwans thwam thilently theaward.
Thacre bleu!
I'm going to be thick!
Would the owner of a yellow phantom cruiser--
license plate "s ghost 1"--
please return to your ship.
You're parked in an illegal towing zone.
That's you, stupid!
Hmm? Oh.
Oh, nerts.
Hold the fort, guys.
I'll be right back.
Um, hi, Susan.
Look! Every time I move my arm,
it costs the cartoon network 42 bucks.
Ha ha ha!
Look! Look!
Sorry to keep you waiting, but here I am-- Space Ghost!
How's the car?
What's it to you, volcano breath?
All righty, now, what do we have here?
Hmm So you're one of those Brady kids, right?
Uh Hmm. You're not too bad-looking.
You must be the older, hotsy-totsy one.
Say what?
Marcia, right?
Oops. I meant Cindy.
Crazy me.
Ha ha ha!
They always confuse us.
Ha ha ha!
Yeah, sure they do.
Maybe at the eye clinic, babe.
You're the one who wore those bizarre little curls.
How do you pull off a hair style like that,
anyway-- electroshock?
Yeah, yeah, and of course I had to
sleep with 9 curlers on either side
of my head every night, so I learned to sleep on my back.
It was painful.
Well, maybe you deserved it.
Ever think of that?
Well, now, wait a minute.
Hey, are you related to those Olson twins?
Um, no Because they're really freaky, you know.
They look like those awful troll dolls.
I couldn't--
Be right back!
Hi, Susan. Sorry that took so long.
Uh-huh Uh, uh Ah, skip it.
So, Susan, I was wondering--
how's that Melvin the meat guy doing?
Um Well, I think you're referring to Sam the butcher.
Meat's meat.
Do you think you could get me a good beef deal with him?
A manly physique like mine requires a lot of sirloin.
Oh, boy. Well, you know, he's not in business anymore.
He--you know, since he went to rehab and-- I think he's in jail.
Egad! Well, that's the free marketplace for you.
Get a grip, Space Ghost.
It was a tv show!
Sam the butcher wasn't real.
This is true.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, just a tv show, eh?
Not real, eh?
Well, what does that make you, Mr. doubting mantis?
Well, you know, um, uh Um, uh
So sue me.
I smell popcorn.
Does anyone else smell popcorn?
Aah! Aah!
Get it off!
Get it off!
Aah! Get it off!
Moltar What in the wide world of extreme sports was that?
Heck if I know.
Hey, Space Ghost, phone.
Take a message.
It's tv's Bonnie Franklin.
Tv's Bonnie Franklin?
I think she's got a part for you.
Really? Susan, don't move a muscle.
I'll be right back.
What did tv's Bonnie Franklin have to say?
Oh, uh, none of your beeswax!
What's she still doing here?
Who's next?
Whoa, mama!
Moltar, next guest!
But, uh
Give me that walking, talking, hubba-hubba-looking dead chick
Oh, you mean elvira.
Of course I mean elvira.
Whatcha got-- rocks in your head?
Well, actually-- shut up and give me elvira.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Theven thilver thwans--
hey, baby
Thanks for coming on my show!
Hey, Space Ghost.
Thank you for having me So to speak.
Are you getting enough oxygen in there?
Ha ha! What, in my dress or in this room?
She's saucy.
So what have you been doing with yourself, you little minx?
Well, got a lot of things going.
Trying to get a new movie going.
Mm-hmm. Cinema.
Uh, elvira versus the vampire women.
Working on a new book series for young adults.
You go, little vampire girl.
I hope you've got a plush,
satin-lined coffin for all the beauty sleep
you must take.
Um, actually, I don't sleep in a coffin.
I find a bed much more comfortable.
Hey, Space Ghost!
So do I. To me, beds are like graves,
sweetie pie-- because I dig them both.
Space Ghost!
Uh, are you feeling all right, Space Ghost?
Not that I care.
It's just that there's something Different about you tonight.
I can't quite put my pincer on it.
How so?
You're a little more, uh "Rico suave"
all of a sudden.
Oops. I'll be right back, gorgeous, and we'll get down to it.
Ooh! Sounds interesting.
Stupid prank call.
Rotten kids.
Aah! A vampire!
It's not a vampire, Space Ghost.
It's elvira.
Well, what's she doing here?
Where's Susan?
You told me to get rid of her!
I did not!
Moltar, you get the scary hootchy-kootchy girl off my monitor
and get me Susan!
Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda.
So, Susan, did you know I was on tv in the seventies, too?
That's funny, because--
Trick or treat!
Just a minute!
I'll be right back, susie.
What's the matter, zorak?
You're acting like you've just seen a ghost.
Ha ha ha!
Moltar, elvira.
I said elvira-- now, now, now!
Oh, here we go again.
Nothing personal, sister.
You're a Mary Ann, and I need a ginger.
Hey, baby, have you ever dated a ghost?
Well Uh, in my wildest dreams I have.
Well, then, how's about stepping out with a ghost--like me?
Would I go out with a ghost like you?
Ask me again. Ha ha!
How about you and me cause some trouble tonight, hmm, dark lady?
Oh, excellent.
Ha ha!
Ugh! Thanks for that image.
So After the show?
Sounds good to me.
Just you and me, alone in the cold, dead emptiness Of space.
What in the name of jumanji is going on here?
Who's this?
Well, I'm Space Ghost, baby.
Space Ghost baby?!
I'm Space Ghost!
I am!
I am!
Me! Me!
Me! Me!
Me! Me! Me! Me!
Me! Me! Me! Me!
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
All right.
I'll admit it.
I'm not Space Ghost.
You're not?
No. I'm really
Chad ghostal, tad's previously unseen
evil twin escaped lunatic brother!
Chad, what are you doing here?
Well, I believe the tv guide calls it a guest shot.
No, no, no. I mean, what do you want?
The usual-- pain, suffering, misery.
But why, Chad?
That's how I get my kicks, taddikins,
because I'm Chad ghostal, evil twin!
Right, baby?
All right.
Brace yourself for a sound butt-kicking,
tad-- in 3-d and sensurround.
Hah! Don't bet on it, Chad!
Hey, Moltar, 50 bucks on the evil twin!
Uh, guys, it's It's your mother.
Tad! Chad!
I want you both to stop this nonsense this minute!
You hear me?
He started it!
Did not!
Did too!
Shut up, the both of you!
Now, Chad, I've spoken to you before about you trying to kill
your brother, haven't I?
Now, you two stop fighting and be good, ok?
Ok, love you, mom. Mommy, please forgive me.
I'm sorry, mommy.
Love you, mom.
Well, I got to got.
My story's on. Bye-bye, sugars!
Bye, mommy!
Bye, mommy!
Well, tad, it's been real-- real stupid.
Hey, elvira, you rocket from the crypt, you-- I am out of here!
All right, so am I!
See you in the green room in 5!
Unpleasant dreams.
Well, you know what they say-- any show you can walk away from
is a good one.
Space Ghost! Aah!
Oh, brother.
What is it now, Chad?
Excuse me!
I am Space Ghost, you duplicitous impostor--
beloved television raconteur
and intergalactic do-gooder!
Ah, give it up, lokar.
It's been done to death.
Eh? Lokar?
But I am Space Ghost!
No, I'm Space Ghost!
Alas and alack, I am scuttled.
You've found me out, you big lumpy lump.
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