Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s04e06 Episode Script


Good evening.
I am lokar, potentate of thug locusts,
bringing you a very special glimpse
at an historic episode of Space
Ghost coast to coast.
Not many people know that in the
early stages of this program,
there was a contract dispute in which
the outcome was the last-minute hiring
of substandard earth hero birdman.
I will be showing you many clips and
outtakes from this fiasco tonight.
I present to you now the remains
of birdman coast to coast.
Birdman finest in transmission
birdman in the middle of the night
waiting all day for birdman
digging Uncle birdman what if I
have to go to the bathroom during
the interview?
Relax, harv.
You'll be fine.
Hey, stop worrying.
Now, I'd like you to meet
the show's director, Moltar.
Hey, Moltar. Good to have you aboard.
Yeah, well, it's this or back to solitary.
Harvey, this is lokar.
He'll be your bandleader.
I prefer "musical arranger,"
if you don't mind.
Any upright anthropomorph with an
appendage or two can tickle the ivories.
Anyhoo, it's a delight to meet you, birdman.
Charmed, I'm sure.
What's with this guy?
Is he going to do this on the show?
Uh, I got a question.
Yeah, babe. Shoot.
Um, just exactly, um What do I do?
I told you. You just push
the lever up and down, ok?
Up, down.
Up, down.
Wait a minute.
Uh, a little help up here.
Um, good evening.
Um, welcome to the show.
I'm your host, uh, uh Birdman
Do I have to pay for that?
Good evening, everyone.
UmI'm your show, birdman.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I just flew in from the coast,
and And, boy, are my arms, uh
Oh. "Wings?" You wanted "wings" there?
I meant "wings."
Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok.
Can we do it again?
Um, wellHey, have you heard
about this grunge rock music
the kids are into?
It's, um Pretty weird, huh?
Yippity yappity yappity.
My good man, what are you going on about?
UmI'm trying to do my opening monologue.
Opening monologue?
It sounded more like you were
delivering a eulogy. Ha ha ha!
Should I start now?
Uh, howdy, folks.
Let's say hello to our director, um
My faithful sidekick avenger.
And our bandleader-- musical director.
Ohh You're pathetic, lokar.
What was that?
Oh, that's zorak, harv. He's our backup bug.
You know, in case something
happens to liberace here.
I wish my brother George was here.
I'm so stupid.
Yeah, just pick up where you left off, harv.
It will work just fine.
UmTonight's guests are,
um Who are the guests, anyway?
Ice and tower, American gladiators.
Is that it?
Oh, well.
Um, ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's guests, tower and ice.
Well, what are you waiting for?
Say something.
I will. Just give me a second.
What should I say?
Anything you like.
Just wing it, ok, harv?
Uhh! The pressure!
Um, welcome, ice and tower.
It's great to have you here.
Ha ha ha!
Um How are you doing?
I mean, are you-- well, not so great, actually.
I've got my entire life riding on this show,
and if it doesn't work out,
it probably means the end of
my marriage and my career.
Oh, my. Gaze at me.
I am the pitiful, tragic birdman.
I flit about in total depression.
Oh, poor pitiful me.
My world is an elephantine pile.
Ok. That's enough.
I can't work with this bug.
He's getting on my nerves, and I don't
understand a thing he says, anyway.
Harvey, calm down and just do the show, ok?
Yeah. Ok.
My hatred for you is delicious.
So, what's your position on this, uh, grunge music?
I would have to say my favorite event is the joust.
Um, there's a great feeling for me.
I say, can't you do anything to squelch
the cacophonous squawking of your
mite-ridden cohort?
Speak English, sissy.
Might I suggest that the beast may
provide more entertainment value
if I lop his screeching head off?
That's it.
Avenger, ho!
I'm sorry
But seeing that again Oh, please!
Oh, please, go away!
And now the conclusion of birdman coast to coast.
And, mother, stop the vcr.
Your Sonny boy's not in this part.
Lokar's in the hospital.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
SoWhat's it like being a gladiator?
It's a life style.
It's a lot of fun being a gladiator
and superhero among kids.
You actually consider yourselves superheroes?
Ha! You fight mere mortals.
Superheroes fight villains-- evil villains.
Actually, I think we do fight
evil villains, don't we?
I think we get some evil.
Some of our contestants?
They're pretty daggone evil, I'll tell you that.
Yeah, right.
Look out for Ted, the volunteer fireman. Whoo.
Are you challenging us?
Sounds like a challenge to me.
Listen, zorak.
Don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
I don't like you now.
Can't I get any respect around here,
on my own show?
Absolutely not.
I demand respect.
I'm birdman.
Birdman yeah, whatever.
Ooh! I hate you!
I hate you all!
Now, if he was a gladiator,
what would we call him, like, cream puff
or something?
Oh, that's rich.
I heard that.
Harvey, pull yourself together.
It's getting late here, man.
Ok, ok.
Get off my back.
Holy ra!
Sun's going down.
Must finish interview before my secret is revealed.
Harvey, while we're young, all right?
You know, my wife always wants
me to do things around the house
like move stuff, you know, open the pickle jar.
The pickle jar.
The pickle jar.
Do you have that problem?
This is what I tell people.
A lot of people want me to open jars,
help them move These muscles
are for show.
These things are for show.
These things really don't work.
Actually, my wife is thinking of leaving me.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
I'm serious.
Imagine about 20,000 people watching you.
And it's very dark on the floor,
and you can't see anything in front of you.
And I tripped on a mat.
Uh, here! Here!
Harvey, are you all right?
What? Oh, um, sorry.
Low blood sugar.
Hey, can we get a p. A.
To bring this loser some coffee?
Cream puff!
What do you mean, you can't do this show at night?
Without Sun'sRays,
birdmanLoses Energy.
You got to be kidding me!
Falcon 7 didn't say anything about this.
Wait TillMorning.
Well, thanks for coming, guys.
Say good night, birdman.
UhGoodNight BirdMan
Thank you.
Good night.
Cream puff.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
I guess it's past his bedtime.
Let's cook him.
I bet he tastes like chicken.
Mother, no, no I'll be good.
What? Are we done?
No, Harvey.
But you are.
Birdman, you're fired!
Ha ha ha!
Look, you can't do this to me.
I need this job.
I'll do anything.
I'll get a sunlamp.
You don't understand.
You can't fire me.
I'm the birdman.
The birdman?
The birdman's all right.
He's ok.
Don't you know who you're dealing with here?
The birdman.
The birdman!
So, I guess we're canceled, right?
Should be.
Hey, good news, everyone.
I just got off the phone with tad
ghostal's agent, and everything's
Tomorrow we start shooting Space
Ghost coast to coast.
How about that, gang?
And so birdman's tears flowed on and on.
A little birdie told me he is now
selling tent campers in Indiana.
'Tis true.
I hear that if you say that avenger sent you,
the propane tanks are free.
Good night, all.
Kiss, kiss.
Birdman birdman birdman birdman birdman
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