Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s04e23 Episode Script


Greetings, citizens.
I'm Space Ghost with an
important announcement to make.
We're broke.
That's right.
The Space Ghost coast to
coast show is out of cash.
So tonight, our regular show has
been pre-immunized for a special
Space Ghost telethon.
If you love me or have ever loved me
or ever plan to love me in the future,
I urge you tonight to please stay tuned.
Pledge generously to help keep the ghost alive!
You see, folks, high-tech computer
animation like this costs money.
How much? I don't know.
But trust me, it's one heck of a lot,
and we're wiped out cleaner
than a fat man's eating hand.
So I turn to you, the viewers,
in my quarter-hour of need.
I know you folks will call the
numbers flashing on the screen below
and pledge your undying support,
because you have a jug o' love for me,
and you're thirsty for what I got!
This is shameful, even to me.
It's just so wrong.
Why, look, everybody!
Why, look, everybody!
The council of doom is here!
They'll be standing by to take your flood of calls.
Yes. And every $20 pledge yes.
And every $20 pledge receives a kissy-kiss
from yours truly!
Yes. Come over here, tanny!
Come a little closer.
I want to smell what you've been eating all day!
Mmm. Liverwurst.
Oh, and thick-sliced cross cut of bologna.
How fragrant.
Oh, you I'd pay 20 bucks to hear lokar shut up!
And you need to get over yourself, lover!
Our goal tonight is a mere $17.5 million.
Tell me, Space Ghost, you oafish,
lunkheaded clod-pate.
Do you truly believe that you can raise
that much wampum in such a paltry
amount of time?
Yes, indeedy!
I'm going to start us off by donating
the proceeds from the sale of 3 pints
of my super space blood.
Moltar, let's go to the big board.
Woo whee.
And I'm sure we'll be adding
it up with our first performer,
so make that pledge now, folks,
while we bring on funnyman Pete Michael.
Ooh! Ahh!
Thank you. Ghost planet, how are you?
Space Ghost, very good to see you.
It's great to be here, ladies and gentlemen.
You, too, zorak.
Don't you even look at me!
But, uh, ghost planet.
Boy, this is something.
I can't believe I got a flight up here.
But it's great to be anywhere.
I tell you, the club I was working at last week,
big jehovah witness convention
at the hotel I was staying at.
And you know what I did?
I went out after my show Went toAh Sorry.
Well, now. Wasn't that Pete Michael, everyone.
Space Ghost!
Somebody just called, and they
want to donate a billion dollars!
What's their name?
Seymour heinie.
Thank you so much, Seymour.
Well, I guess we can wrap things up here.
You idiot!
It was a prank call!
UhOh. Oh.
I am now rescinding my "thank you."
Council, accept no more calls
from the heinie family.
Moltar, next performer, tout sweetie!
Greetings, citizen next performer.
Argh! 'Tis a scurvy pirate.
Aah! Ooh!
He's not a pirate, stupid.
He's not a pirate, stupid.
Actually, I'm dressed out of the
renaissance period A humanistic revival
of art, literature, and learning in Europe,
which occurred during the 14th
through 16th centuries.
Tell me something I don't know.
Can I show you some juggling while I'm here?
Juggling! Oh, boy!
Do it!
Do some juggling!
He's honestly juggling!
Come on, folks. Isn't this
worth at least a few million?
Ooh, watch him juggle!
Hey, wait a second.
The total just went down $5.00.
Uh, I know. I..
Just rented Barb wire.
I hear it's awesome.
Oh, I want to see that.
It's rated "r", Brak.
Aw, poop.
Greetings Citizens!
Obscene bird call!
Obscene bird call!
Are you getting enough oxygen?
Look, birdman, I'm in the
middle of my telethon right now.
You know, tad, don't you think it's
ironic that when I ask for money,
it's called begging, that when I
ask for money, it's called begging,
but when you drop to your knees,
it's called a telethon?
Yeah. How about that?
Ain't that something?
I got something I can do for your telethon.
I got something I can do for your telethon.
How about I decorate your back window
with a little of my special guano?
How about if I throw some corn
on the floor and you peck it up
with your mouth?
That's okay, birdman.
I'll do it. I like corn.
I'm out of here.
Um Uh, let's keep things moving.
Uh, Moltar, how about another guest?
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear
it for Uh, Bob and robby.
Hey. How you doing?
Um, your little friend just, um, talked.
Um, your little friend just, um, talked.
"Little friend?"
Who's he talking to?
It's a puppet!
A puppet?
Did you say "a puppet?"
Yes. Puppet.
Puppet. Talk.
Talk. Talk. Talk.
Aah! The puppet talks!
Aah! Zorak, the puppet talks!
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
1, 2, 3.
Ah. Bless you, Santa.
It's the juggler!
Oh, black widow, please continue
that shrieking, please continue
that shrieking, as it can't
possibly be more annoying!
Now, I have a confession to make here.
I have never really figured out a
way to stop this, so, uh, any ideas?
So, uh, any ideas?
Uh, let it fall on your head.
Do that.
Mmm, that might be dangerous.
Mmm, that might be dangerous.
Hey, throw them up really high
and catch them in your mouth.
But be careful.
There we go.
Uh, hello!
Council of doom, any calls?
Well, then, I guess we can take a
break for some commercial messages.
Telethons don't have commercials.
And bugs don't talk, zorak,
and bugs don't talk, zorak,
So welcome to the asylum!
And we're back.
Moltar, how are the phones?
Silent, like crabs.
Yes, like crabs.
What can I do to save this Turkey?
Council of doom
Give me your money!
No. I shan't give you a shekel.
Ooh, no!
Ok. Here's my allowance.
You still owe me money.
You still owe me money.
You still owe me money.
Ah, there it is again, the acrid
putrocity of tansut's chronic halitosis!
Shut that stench-hole, or I shall gag!
Ghost planet, how are you?
Space Ghost, very good to see you.
Pete Michael, everybody.
It's great to be here.
Good to see you.
You, too, zorak.
But, um Man, ghost planet.
Finally. Finally get to be on ghost planet.
Phones are open, folks.
I can't believe I got a flight up here.
But, uh, God, I keep forgetting
about that jehovah witness thing.
Nice try, freak.
I'm sorry. I was off my mark anyway.
Tonight ooh phones are open, folks.
You see, these drops are falling
in between these lines here,
and you might want to keep
an eye out for this big "h,"
because that's where heaven is.
Well, we can do viva Las Vegas, but we,
uh, I have it on cassette.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have
to blast you, because we're not
getting any calls,
and you're the nearest scapegoat.
Well, what else can I say,
except Ladies and gentlemen
Oh, no!
Pete Michael.
Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome!
Thank you, ghost planet.
It's great to see everyone-- even you, zorak.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
Phones are open, folks.
Guys, we cannot pick up women
in fast food restaurants.
There is only one person who could
pick up a girl at the salad bar
in burger king.
That person, of course, is Pete Michael!
Pete Michael?
You, Pete Michael!
Pete Michael!
Kramer from seinfeld.
Oh boy, an impression!
You see, he's going to act like
Kramer from seinfeld,
but he's really not.
Ah, what a gyp.
So can I buy you a pie?
I've never done anything where
absolutely nobody laughs.
Welcome to Space Ghost coast to coast.
Oh, they're laughing, all right.
Space Ghost!
There's a call!
Is it one of those heinies?
Um, yes.
Aah! That's it!
I've had it with you people!
I do this hindenburg of a
talk show each and every week,
and where does it get me?
Humiliation city, population one.
Listen up, tv land.
If you don't give me all your money,
I'm Going to UhShoot Brak!
I didn't do anything bad!
I don't want to be shot!
What am I doing?
Brak, I am sorry.
It's ok, Space Ghost.
It is? Well, then Wait! Wait! Don't--ow!
Yow! That smarts.
There! See?
See what you people made me do?
10 98 7 6 54 321!
Happy new year!
Oh, mama!
Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on come on!
Yes! Yes!
But th-th-that's impossible, Moltar,
because we Well, the big board
cost 15 thou.
Then there's the added phone lines,
teamsters, catering from taco king.
The blue screen for the comedian,
that cost 10 grand, plus he took a cab.
The weather graphics, Barb wire rental,
the council's fees,
and, oh yeah, the $80,000 ming dynasty
vase Brak is about to knock over.
Take this, ming.
I'm sick of your dynasty!
Take this, ming.
I'm sick of your dynasty!
Moltar, what's going on?
Um, they cut the power.
Hey, let's all take off our masks.
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