Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s05e11 Episode Script

Intense Patriotism

Open wide, lady liberty, because Space
Ghost is coming to America today!
Ha ha! "Open wide." That's going to slide right by the censors.
Lady liberty's not a real person.
Um It's a philosophy.
Let's try that just one more time.
"Space Ghost is coming to America"? Is that the idea here?
Space Ghost is about to inviso in.
Ok. Because--sorry.
Lovin' this.
Oh, shut up.
Um Max, it's nothing personal, but--
if you want to take five, you know--
no. We're fine. We're fine. Let's just go.
Good morning, America. How are you? Don't you know me?
I'm your native son Space Ghost.
Whoa! Feels like we're moving.
We are moving, Moltar-- to America!
And, uh, why are we doing that?
Because all the successful superheroes live in America.
It's really the only thing that keeps
me from being the next superman.
Are you faster than a speeding bullet?
Well, no, but-- are you able to leap tall buildings in--
Moltar, that's not the point.
Americaners don't trust foreigners,
especially when they don't live there.
That stuff about the melting pond? Yeah.
Ha! It hasn't melted. That's a pantload.
Hey, anybody got a magazine?
Zorak, what are you doing?
Oh, just, uh, dropping the kids off at the pool. Heh heh!
You don't have kids.
Heh heh heh! I do now.
Uh, well, congratulations?
Oh, yeah! Twins!
Well, I ain't going to America.
They extradite. Most uncool.
Fine. Zorak and I will go to America,
and you can just go back to Russia!
Yeah, b-but wait. Before you go,
is there anything you can do to make
this set a little more patriotic?
I ain't no commie. Huh?
Try this.
Ow, ow, ow, ow! Don't hit the wrong button.
That puts a weird tone in my head.
Ha ha ha! Sorry.
Try this.
Yeah. Lovin' this.
This is just a shareware demo.
It'll cost 14 million to actually install.
These are the colors of my forefathers, Moltar,
the men who laid down their lives
so that I can have my outer space talk show.
I think it's worth it.
You got 14 million?
I was hoping to sign for it.
Ha ha ha! No.
Everything's free in America, Moltar.
It's a free country?
That's right, zorak.
It's the land of the free and the home of the free.
So I get to go free?
No. Now play me to the desk, or I'm putting you in the box!
The box?
That's right--the box.
Moltar, give me Jeff foxworthy or give me death.
Uh, do I get to pick?
You want to go in the box, too?
No, no, no. Huh?
Here's, uh, the redneck. Ugly American.
Greetings, Jeff.
Welcome to America's 51st state-- ghostlahoma!
Thanks. Nice to be here.
The spherical state.
Uh, yeah.
Do you know who I am?
Yeah. I mean, I've seen you, you know,
when I'm flipping channels late at night,
but I've never really been interested enough to stop.
I am United States ghost, Jeff!
Ha ha ha!
America's most patriotic action hero!
Please rise and join me in the pledge of allegiance.
I don't want to be an American.
They'll discriminate against me
because of my My--my metal skin.
Ha ha ha!
Well, who wouldn't, you red outcast?
Heh heh heh! I mean, look at you!
You're a garbage can that talks.
Look at you! Ha ha ha!
Were it me, I would not enter public.
Heh heh heh! Ha ha ha!
Show old Larry some respect and take off that helmet.
I pledge allegiance Can't hear you.
To the flag I totally can't hear you.
I pledge allegiance There you go.
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation
One nation Under God With liberty and justice
There's an "indivisible."
Indivisible. Yeah. Well, I didn't see it.
Let's see. "For which it stands, one nation, under God--"
"Indivisible." Right.
Indivisible With liberty and
justice for all but zorak and Moltar.
Play ball! Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha! Helmet on, Moltar.
So, uh, how about my freedom, huh?
So, Jeff, you have any trouble finding the place?
Yeah. Well, it was kind of weird.
I was coming down the interstate
and hit the exit going pretty fast
and got airborne, and I'm here.
Good one, Jeff. What'd you take, the mighty space shuttle?
Uh, I drove.
You drove, huh?
Well, uh-- listen, Jeff, I don't like when people patronize me.
Moltar, harvest his skin.
Right on! I was hoping you'd say that.
Hang on. I'll get the peeler.
Nah. I'm just kidding, Jeff.
All right. I got it. Put the peeler away, Moltar.
Oh, come on!
No, no. United States ghost
does not believe in cruel and unusual punishment.
It'll just take a second, just whish whish.
Moltar! Put the peeler away,
or I'm going to rip off your arm and beat you with it.
So, Jeff, what brings you out to our--
I have a picture of youBuddy.
Uh, uh, so, Jeff, what brings you
out to our neck of the universe?
This particular trip, I'm just out here to do your show,
and then I've got to go back to
earth and pick up my kids at school.
Zorak has kids. Twins, right?
Zorak lost count. Heh heh heh!
Do you ever go into the schools and talk to the kids?
Sure. Whatever. About?
Oh, you know, politics, horses Politics and horses?
Alcoholism Do kids like you?
I'll bet zorak's kids would like me.
Well, come on over. I'll introduce you.
Hi, gang. Your dad bring you into work today?
It's that awkward stage.
Uh-huh. Hey, champ!
They seem to be very strong swimmers.
You want to hold one?
Uh, no, thank you.
You know, kids, your father might not always tell you this,
but he loves you very much.
Say good-bye, kids!
Zorak, no!
Swim, kids! Swim! No. The other way-- against the current!
Heh heh heh!
You're a bad father!
You know, the people that--that work here--
and I probably should not say this on the air--
told me that you weren't right.
Who said that, Moltar and zorak? They work for me!
I know, I know.
We all know that they work for you
because you bring this up every single week and--
I don't think you understand, Jeff.
They work for me.
I'm freelance! You work for me!
Yeah. There's a guy that comes and cuts my grass every Thursday,
but I don't meet him out there on
the lawn going, "you work for me!"
Yeah. Well, I have my own tv show.
Listen, listen, I had my own show.
That doesn't mean that it's good, ok?
But the difference between your show
and my show is that mine is still on.
You see, Jeff, this show is a serious program
about serious issues that face serious everyday Americans
And their giant piano-playing mantises.
Now, Jeff, you claim to be an authority onRed necks,
yet I notice that your neck is strangely pale.
Well, my definition of redneck
has always been, "a glorious absence of sophistication."
So I might be a redneck.
Well, that's the joke. It's in "you might be."
But I've never seen my neck.
It has nothing to do-- how do I know what color it is?
I just told you.
The definition is "an absence of sophistication."
It has nothing to do with the color of somebody's neck.
Why don't you just say, "you know you have an absence
of sophistication when"?
Because it's not funny.
See, that's-- they're jokes. I'm a comedian. That's--
Moltar is red, but he doesn't have a neck.
You understand jokes, right?
Where are we looking to park this pig? Dothan.
Where are we looking to park this pig? Dothan.
Yeah? I'm going to run naked in the streets of dothan.
You're not going to run naked--
I'm going to run naked in the streets of dothan!
You're not going to run naked in the streets of dothan!
Come on! You said it was a free country!
With freedom comes responsibility.
With freedom comes nudity.
Hey! I'm an American! I have rights!
Tell it to the judge.
Jeff, you're an American.
What is it with you Americans and your obsession with barrels?
I have to tell you, I've done a lot of talk shows.
These are the stupidest questions
that I have ever been asked. Don't look at me.
Do you guys do any research or anything about the guest?
It just--they're insane questions.
No. I'll tell you what's insane-- using la--
Using laser beams for optometry.
You call that progress? Ha!
That would make a perfect-- ah, your culture's primitive.
Moltar, put Jeff in the box. But--
PrepareFor Touchdown!
Where are we?
Is this it? Is this where we're going?
Finally, I'm getting enough oxygen.
Just let me do the talking, ok?
I want to go to dothan.
You boys know anyone at William Morris?
An agent, you mean?
Yeah. I actually-- well, no.
I actually got a good referral,
but, you know--well, we'll talk about it later.
They don't return calls, do they?
I'm sorry?
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