Speechless (2016) s02e01 Episode Script


1 Ray, it's been so nice being long-distance boyfriend and girlfriend this summer.
I know.
The letters you wrote me, Taylor, were like my oxygen.
But I'm breaking up with you, because I realized you're Ray DiMeo and you're, um a loser.
The only good thing about you is your sister.
Give her all the Canadian candy that your cousin sent you.
[Gasps] Dylan! Stop "Inception" -ing me! Go back to bed.
But I'm not tired.
What time is it, even? - It's noon.
- What? Mom? Dad? - Everybody, up! Everybody, up! - Get up! Get up! The fumigators! We forgot the fumigators are coming! No gas! No gas! - Come on! - Hurry up! Ray, get up.
The floor's filthy.
Leave the letters! Without the letters, what's the point? Fastest we've ever gotten out of the house.
Oi! You could've killed us! We are gonna sue you Oh.
Hold on.
Oh, it's my son from camp.
Go on.
On your way.
JJ's calling! Come on.
- Hello, love.
- Hi, JJ.
- Heeeeey.
- Hey, buddy! Hey, everyone.
Who was that? A friend.
A-L "Alexa.
" Well, A-L Alexa likes you.
Oh, no.
Did she hear that? No.
She's deaf.
Well, in that case She likes you! So, what have you been doing? S-W "Swimming," K "kayaking.
I water skied.
How do you do all that stuff? I find a way.
Disability is no excuse here.
Darling, that is music to Mommy's ears, 'cause that's what we've always taught you.
Disability is no excuse.
Amen! Do you people ever intend to cut your lawn? - I've got a child with special needs! - Sorry, lady.
We do not have the time! - Do you have any idea what we deal with? - We have a lot going on! I know that look.
He's saying everyone but me is a hypocrite.
- All right, guys.
- JJ's right.
- Bring the tarp down.
Come on.
- We always use him as an excuse.
I mean, he's been gone for weeks and everything here is exactly the same.
- Do we live wrong? - Yes! Wait, is this a trap? I don't care.
Keep going.
No more using his disability as an excuse Except for parking tickets.
No, Jimmy! No exceptions.
So when something goes wrong, who will we blame? Tough call.
All the good races are taken.
Maybe tall people? We won't blame anyone.
If JJ can water ski, we can do a bloody dish.
So, you want us to, like, clean up? But, I mean, where would we even start? Wait.
If we're actually taking a hard look at ourselves, I think there's someone else who'd want to weigh in.
So, the kid says you want a lesson on all the madness you've all gotten so used to you don't even see any more.
Sorry, getting my land legs back.
What is this? JJ said you were living on a boat? - Uh-huh.
- Well, now what are you doing? Well, I came ashore for this, but I won't have my groove interrupted.
I am armed with the soundtrack of my nautical summer A tasty mix of Seventies Yacht Rock.
- "Yacht Rock"? - Oh, boy.
This calls for the strong stuff.
"Brandy-parentheses- You're a Fine Girl" it is.
Never heard of it.
Sure you have.
[Chuckles] Let me give you a reminder Now most families have one junk drawer.
[Chuckling] But you guys [To the tune of "Brandy"] Junk drawer, junk drawers! Junk refrigerator! The DiMeos have the worst home in town The art covers holes, you can't see the ground The shampoo's always upside down 'Cause they think that makes more soap You know, they just used this song - in "Guardians of the Galaxy.
" - What? And bat-tries, they move their only four From remote to remote 'stead of buying more A year ago, I found this apple core Their toilet paper's from Starbucks The neighbors say, "You DiMeos" "You're a trainwreck" Such a trainwreck What a baaad wife you would be! Guardians of the Galaxy, oooooooooooh And y'all blame it all on your kid with special needs! Doo-do-doo, doo-do-do-do Doo-do-do-do-do-do-doo [Music stops] Yeah, never heard it.
You do raise some good points, though, Kenneth, and we do have a lot of work to do.
So, if you would like to pitch in, we would love - Oh.
- To give you the honor of deciding which task to No? Just us then? Let's get to it! The DiMeos are getting their act together! If I had known songs were such an effective teaching tool, I would have broken out this little number years ago.
Two, three, four - Just e-mail us, Ray.
- Okay.
It's so tidy.
Oh, Dylan, put this vase back in the living room.
We eat cereal out of bowls now.
Guys, come quick.
It's a miracle! We have curb appeal! Dad, did you do this? I did.
Turns out mowing a lawn is just running with a lawnmower in your hands.
We did all this in one day.
This whole "not using JJ as an excuse" thing is going gangbusters.
He's gone for the summer.
Let's show him how much we can do.
I never have any money.
I'd love to make a little.
So you'll get a job.
Or a lucrative running endorsement.
Or a job.
I've been 20 minutes late for 15 years now.
Might be fun to be one of those "on time" people.
What about me? I don't even know where to start.
Hey, DiMeos! Way to try! Ooh, tiny neighbor woman.
You look like today's lady on the go.
So together.
How do you keep the fumigators at bay, as it were? [Cellphone chimes] I'm sorry.
I have an appointment.
Oh, may I? Oh, you're meeting a decorator.
Groceries at 5:00.
Would you add me to this calendar? B-But this is my life.
May I have it? Jimmy: Okay, let's see what it's like to be on time.
Open spots.
Huh, there's never any spots.
Huh, coffee? There's never coffee.
[Scoffs] Hey, what's that? Donuts for the morning meeting.
Okay, now you're just messing with me.
W Hi.
I'll mow your lawn twice as fast as whoever's doing it now.
How much? 600 bucks? My guy charges $17.
But I like it fast.
00 and a medal? Deal! [Motor starts] I quite like our stupid life.
Is it stupid? Oh, it's stupid.
Not that anybody cares, but the fumigator's rescheduled.
But it's already in the phone, love.
Oh, so you're still using that calendar.
But, Dad, this "on time" thing He left for work.
Guess the don't need my input at all.
Now, Dylan No one left to criticize.
You're the dog that caught the car, Ray.
Hey, it's not going to last! Ray: "Dearest Taylor, it's been an interesting summer.
May family now has their acts together.
I have no purpose, and it's slowly driving me crazy.
As part of my hair turned gray? Sure.
And sleep is not many.
Oh, well.
Love, Taylor.
" When the calendar said "walking," I did think it meant power-walking with your friends.
You know, how you always wear the suits and walk through the neighborhood in formation, judging other people's houses? W-We've never done that.
Really? Where did I see that then? Sitcoms about suburbia? You really don't do that? Should we do that? I don't know what's changed about you, Jimmy, but I like it.
I'm giving you a promotion.
Here is your red jacket, and here is your chair.
Oh, I [Chuckles] On Time Jimmy rules! [Sighs] W Next.
- Hey! - Hello, darling! - JJ! - There's my little angel! - Aw, there he is! Oh! - My darling! [All smooch] Let me in.
Let me have a minute.
Oh, darling, don't you look fantastic! You guys look weird.
We are weird.
We try now.
- Uh - What's wrong with Ray? Turns our he needs something to criticize.
Yeah, he's better as an opposition party.
[Cellphone chimes] Ooh, Candace is getting her dog ready tomorrow to go back to doggy day care.
And tomorrow is the last day before school.
So we, like Candace's dog, will be getting a trim, stocking up on snacks, and oh, "getting anal glands expressed.
" We'll call that buying highlighters.
Oh, where is he? Where's my guy? [Laughs] My man.
Dylan - Hey.
- Ray's ghost.
JJ was telling us about some new moves he learned this summer.
You know how he could sit up unsupported for 10 seconds, then he'd fall over? Yeah.
Now I can sit for 20 S-E "seconds" then fall over.
[Chuckles] I got to see this.
[Grunts] You can't pick him up, can you? Well Muscle memory, man.
Lifting a person, it's a very specific movement.
I'll get it back.
Wait, don't Don't practice on JJ.
You're gonna drop him.
Practice on something that doesn't matter.
I don't even care.
[Grunting] Ooh, what's this? Wait, you didn't know about this? Dear J [Sighs] Oh, JJ, it's not on the schedule, but I'm gonna have to send you to hug jail! Oh.
What? We have to talk.
Oh, darling, can it wait? I've got book club in three, two [Cellphone chimes] Mm.
"Put down your phone.
What happened to you?" You've C-H-A "changed.
" Yes, I did.
And if you'll recall, it was you who suggested I change.
"Not into this.
" Oh, really? Ding! 7:02 Ray becomes favorite son.
What's wrong, buddy? Taylor's back.
I-I can't let her see me like this.
I'm a shell of the man she fell for.
And even that guy's a nine at best.
It's been a tough summer for ya, huh? With us doing well? Yeah, and now the perfect girl is here.
And she's got one thing on her mind Unwrapping your son like a Christmas present.
Things are going too well.
Ray, sometimes in this life, things are just gonna go your way.
We're DiMeos, we are not built for that.
If it helps, things will get worse.
You're just saying that.
I mean it.
Bad things are coming.
You believe me? I want to.
Trust me, things are not as good as they seem.
Hey, would you like to see our bank statement? Remember when we were young And the summer was never done What are you doing? Is that a DVD? Did you put that in there? [Gasps] Did they give you that at camp? Hmm.
"I R-O-D-E a horse, and you're more impressed by the grabber?" Oh, wow.
Can a horse pick up your dirty knickers? No.
I love the bloody grabber! - Darling - [DVD stops playing] I know you miss camp.
It's perfectly natural.
Well, what is it, then? Is should Should I Should I I'll wait.
No, I won't.
Should I wait? Oh.
Is this a "Don't finish the sentence for the stutterer" type thing? Is it? No.
Get it? Oh, get it.
[Clears throat] "Dear JJ, I didn't get to know you as well as I wanted this summer.
But I have one thing I want to get before I leave My first kiss.
Meet me tonight by the field after the goodbye bonfire.
XOXO, Alexa.
" I told you she liked you! Didn't I?! Psht! Mommy knows.
Mommy knows.
So what happened? "I found the letter today.
" [Gasps] Well, then we've got to get in touch with her.
Why didn't you tell me sooner? "You were too B-U 'busy.
'" Wake up! We slept till noon again! The fumigators are here! [Grunting] Ow! Why'd you go that way?! It's more fun! - Wait, there's no tent.
- Yes, but you made excellent time out here.
[Insects chirping] What's going on? Did you sleep in our van? I sublet my apartment for the summer, and I'm done sleeping on a boat! The move constantly and there's a sea lion that keeps bothering me.
There is a girl who wants to kiss JJ before the summer's over.
Where does she live? S-E "Seattle.
" But her family is D-R "driving" C-R "cross-country.
" So, she's somewhere between Maine and Seattle.
Then that's where we'll go! To "somewhere between Maine and Seattle"? - Yep.
- School starts on Monday.
So you want to go find a girl when, basically, all we know about her location is she's "in America"? Yes.
Look, was it fun getting our act together? Sure.
But who have we become? Look, enough with the self-improvement.
This family doesn't split apart to do sensible, constructive things.
We come together to do things that are awesome and stupid.
Are you with me? - Yeah.
- Yeah! - I'm down.
- Yeah.
All right.
Yeah? Great.
So, let's go somewhere and get JJ his first kiss! - All right! - Yeah! This is such a mistake.
This is so dumb.
You're all so wrong! JJ! I found Alexa's Instagram! Checking her feed.
Her parents Her dad posted a picture! "Pizza in Chicago! Hashtag-Yum!" Sounds like a great follow.
Her mum posted a picture of their blue minivan "Grand Canyon, here we come!" We're up, people! Wait! Let me see if I got the strength yet.
- [Grunts] - Aah! Well, I had the height.
[Horn honks] Look, Maya! We're doing it! Move! This isn't a real thing! Hey, Trent.
I'm gonna be a little bit late.
Like two days.
Yeah, it's been a while.
Can my usual replacement fill in? Man: Let me check.
Yeah, he's here.
Thank you, man.
Hi, there.
All right, to heck with self-improvement! Bye-bye, summer earnings! Might have been a bit of an overreaction, darling.
Yeah, I got caught up in the moment.
[Sighs] Kenneth: Do you copy, over? Looking for a blue minivan somewhere in Western America, Washington state plate WHISKEY-ECHO-ZULU- EIGHT-FIVE-NINER, over.
Would you stop it with the CB? For the last time, this is a VHF maritime radio.
So do not call it a "CB.
" And do not keep giggling at my call sign.
It was attached to the boat I borrowed, which I did not name.
- This is Island Girl, over.
- [Stifled laughter] Does anybody copy for Island Girl? [Laughter] This is Island Girl.
Does anyone read me? Come on, dum-dum.
Just post another photo of where you are.
This won't take long.
I'm just gonna get half a tank.
It's $3.
40 a gallon here.
It was $2.
19 back there.
Wait, so, to save a few bucks, you won't get more even though it's 100 miles in the desert between stations? Yes! Ohh.
Are you all right, darling? "It was a nice idea, but I'm wasting your time.
" Oh, you're not suggesting we quit, are you? [Sighs] "I already hold you back enough.
" Darling, what to you mean? "You got O organized, T Together better, when I was gone.
" [Sighing] Oh, love.
All right, no.
Darling, you don't get blame here.
I will give you credit, though.
This whole ridiculous chase we're on? It's because of you.
You taught us to be spontaneous, to drop everything when it matters.
You did it the first day you came, and you did it yesterday.
I'll tell you It's my favorite part of who we are.
You make us, us.
Island Girl, this is Margaritaville.
- I got eyes on your craft, over.
- [Song playing over radio] Wait! What? You do?! Over?! Blue minivan.
Parked at the Desert Canyon Motel in Marble Canyon, over.
- No way! - Holy crap! - We can be there in an hour! - Shotgun! Go, go! [Engine starts] [Laughs] You have done us a great service, but one question I hear a song in the background.
Is that on the radio? "Brandy parentheses You're a Fine Girl"? Playing right now on KYZX 102-niner.
And you are one fine man, sailor.
Over and out! Uh, people don't really say that.
- All right.
- [Static] My love, and my lady is the sea Doo-do-doo, doo-do-do-do Doo-do-do-do-do-do-doo Yeah, Brandy used to watch his eyes [Engine sputters, shuts off] What What happened? Uh, I may have forgotten to actually put gas in the van.
- What?! - A-And none of you reminded me.
- Right over there.
- Now it's $3.
50?! Forget it! Margaritaville says they're long gone.
Well, I guess failing because we ran out of gas is an appropriate ending for us.
"The DiMeos are back.
"I got this.
" Yeah, you do, baby boy.
No ramp? No ramp?! Aah! I'm gonna sue the pants off Frank's Gas? When are we gonna get screwed by something that sounds expensive? I'm ready.
[Grunts] You've got 20 seconds of sitting in you.
Get kissing.
16 17 18 Hi.
We're JJ's family.
Not the first time we've met someone this way.
- Ta-ta! - See ya! - Take care! - Bye! Six gallons.
Should be enough to get us to the next gas station.
fill 'er up.
We're this close.
One more stop.
[Sighs] The Grand Canyon.
You've got to see it before you die.
Jimmy: And maybe someday we will.
It might not be the best way to see it, but the old DiMeos wouldn't have made it this far.
I like the new us.
- Oh! - Honey, you've got to silence that phone.
- Should we head back? - Oh, no.
Let's just get a family photo first.
I'll take it.
Oh, you squeeze in, too, Island Girl.
[Cellphone chimes] Shut up! [Cellphone thuds] Think my eyes were closed anyway.
Taylor! Ray.
I've missed you.
Our summer's been wonderful.
You don't just get me You are me.
Some might say I'm the yin to your yin.
[Chuckles softly] And you're hilarious which is why I'm so sad it has to end.
What? Things are just going too well.
They're gonna go bad sometime soon, so what's the point of torturing ourselves waiting? [Chuckles] No.
It's going to be okay.
And it's going to be wild! Man: Clear!