Speechless (2016) s03e14 Episode Script


1 This is me.
Thanks for the ride.
Let's see.
Two stars.
- You were a little chatty.
- [LAUGHS] Dude! Is that the girl JJ's going on the date with? I gotta kick the tires on this broad.
No! JJ has asked for his privacy.
He'll introduce you when he's ready.
You're right.
And I respect that.
Hey, Izzy! What's your deal?! Ah! Private party, Dylan.
DiMeo's asked me to see you home.
Weird man trying to get me in his van! Uh-huh.
One sign that you've cried wolf too much is the fact that they're holding the door for me.
Someone just "liked" a bunch of my photos.
Who is "Maya DiMeo Secret Account"? - [CHIMING CONTINUES] - [SIGHS] "Someone who has no boundaries and paws her phone like a drunk gorilla.
" [SHOWER RUNNING] Aww, she's cute.
I think she's live-streaming now.
I like her.
Do you think she'll like us? Oh, please.
What's not to like? [BEEPS, TIRES SCREECH] You can't really get a sense of her figure, can you? Come on, bathing suit picture, please.
[BANGING] I am on the toilet! Whatever happened to privacy?! [BANGING CONTINUES] Hey! We were in the middle of a commercial [VOICE BREAKING] of a girl and her dad.
RAY: All hands on deck, people! A few months ago I purchased a Valentine's harbor cruise.
My girlfriend and I were going to exchange "I love yous.
" Your girlfriend? Is she in the room right now? - Can you see her? - I know I don't have a girlfriend.
- All right, good.
- [BOWL THUDS] I was betting I would by now, and I lost.
The tickets are non-refundable, so we have to find me a date! W-Would you Would you consider selling those tic No.
What did Mom say? No expensive Jimmy Valentine's Day.
I know you love making a grand gesture every year, darling, but this year we've got the mortgage and JJ's going to college, I got my new business.
The most romantic thing that you could do would be to Hire Boyz II Men to sing personalized versions of their hits for you like last year.
Not going into debt.
Oh, but the love boat sounds so cool! He didn't even describe it! All right.
We'll stick to the plan.
I'll go to work where I won't be tempted.
Now, darling, about your date.
You know Nathalie from my special-needs moms group? - Yeah, she has a daughter? - No.
I mean Nathalie from my special-needs moms group.
Uh, we'll circle back to that.
"We need to discuss what happened.
Who knows what they did wrong?" Me.
I cyber-stalked a teenager when I was on the toilet, and then I broadcast it.
And I was naked in a room with, uh, "Hulk smash" on her phone.
I know we all want to meet this Izzy, but JJ has prepared a statement.
"Dear Family, I know you're curious about me dating someone.
Please give me my space.
" This is the edited version.
JJ's draft, with swear words and valid body-shaming of Jimmy, was 10 pages long.
Let JJ have this.
Now go.
Nathalie politely declines.
Damn it! "Do you have plans Valentine's Day?" [GASPS] I get to meet Izzy.
You want my help on your date? Uh, I purposely did not make plans hoping this would come.
[CHUCKLES] Melanie's mad.
So, are we going to the dance? "Not special enough.
I've waited my life for this.
It needs to be perfect.
" Oh, and it shall be.
Can I rub it in your mom's face? [CHUCKLES] Oh, Mayaaa [LAUGHS] Hey, Ray.
Did you find a date for your cruise yet? No.
I asked Dr.
Miller to let me know whenever a new girl enrolls, but she said she couldn't do it "in good conscience.
" You know what, n-neither of us have dates and there's a great meal, I love boats because there's no laws at sea Concerning, go on.
- Maybe you should just take me.
- Really? You want to have, like, a sibling bonding date? I feel like we're trapped in this cycle where I bust on you, and then you turn around and get busted on by me.
Maybe it's time we break it? Huh.
I always figured we'd bury the hatchet but I thought it'd be a deathbed situation.
I can't believe this is happening without a catheter.
Let's do this.
Hey this will be the first date you won't have to worry about your sister throwing garbage at you or your girl.
I can't stop this feeling - Deep inside of me - Huh? - Girl, you just don't realize - And voilà.
What you do to me - When you hold me - Better.
[LAUGHS] This is my own special blend.
Come on.
I, I'm hooked on a feeling - [SWITCH CLICKS] - Yeah.
[LAUGHS] Nice, right? You gave me the list.
I just bring your ideas to life.
"I asked for green pillows.
" Well, I'm not gonna bring an idea that sucks to life.
"It's perfect.
Thank you.
" - [DOORBELL RINGS] - [GASPS] And we're right on time.
May I? [SHOUTING] Go around! We're in the back! [CHAIR WHIRS] [EXHALES DEEPLY] [DOOR HINGES CREAK] - Good evening, Izzy.
I'm Kenneth.
- Nice to finally meet you.
I've heard so much about you.
- Nothing bad I hope.
- Some of it was bad.
That's fair.
Uh, well, I'm going to see to it that you have a wonderful time.
We've thought of everything.
You're staying? It's gonna be the three of us? Isn't that kind of weird? Huh.
We didn't think of that.
Jimmy Valentine! What are you doing here on your big day? Bought Maya an airplane.
Nope, just working.
Got to get that Valentine's holiday pay.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Is that a thing? Now that I've said it out loud, it sounds stupid.
Well, you'll have to go the long way.
Not the concourse.
[SIGHS] Oh, look away, Jimmy, look away.
Oh, Maya would love that much cologne.
Hold it together, man.
So much turquoise.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Ah! Safe.
No buying, just working.
Next! Listen, my shipment was delayed five hours, I got a boatload of roses I was supposed to sell, - and it's too late - I love them I'll take them all! You're a cool big brother, Ray.
- Thanks for bringing me.
- Happy to.
I actually found a girl who was game to come.
But I'll be disappointing Kaci another night.
Well, lucky for me, my date's smart, kind, he loves his fam [HORN BLARES] Oh, have we pushed off? Great.
Ray, I'm just gonna rip the Band-Aid off.
A guy I like is on this boat and he asked me to meet him here, so I tricked you into bringing me.
You'll be spending this cruise alone.
What? Wait, no.
Kaci! Kaci! [HORN BLARES] MAYA: Jimmy, I'm so proud of you.
I know how hard it is for you not to spend money on Valentine's Day.
Yeah, well it's what you asked for.
Just 'cause you're working doesn't mean we can't spend the evening together.
I'm actually on my way over to you right now.
I'm bringing dinner.
Fantastic! How far away are you exactly? [TELEPHONE CLATTERS] Would it help if I told you that these are for my mistress? Sorry if you weren't prepared for my being here tonight, but I assure you, there's nothing weird about this at all.
[SULTRY] "You look lovely in that dress.
" [NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, I don't think any of us felt good about that.
Sidebar? [QUIETLY] Dude, she's not feeling this.
I should go.
I'll be inside if you need me.
"I need you here.
You're my hands my voice.
" Ah.
[INHALES DEEPLY] The "hands and voice" speech.
It got me to interrupt Elvira's meal at The Cheesecake Factory, and it gets me tonight.
Let's go.
Elvira still texts me, you know.
You tricked me under the guise of brother-sister bonding.
Not "guys" guy.
His name's Connor.
I met him online.
He's a social media celebrity.
This night went from getting an "I love you" from my girlfriend to taking my sister to getting ditched by my sister.
You screwed me out of a date, you're not gonna have a date.
It's stuff like this why Mom's friends won't date you, Ray.
What did you do? These must've cost like $200.
[LAUGHS, GRUMBLES] Of course he did it! - He's Jimmy Valentine! - I'm sorry.
But I don't think it's a waste of money to show you how much you mean to me.
Does that make me a Valentine sucker? Yes.
The world is full of Valentine suckers today and I am proudly the biggest one of them all.
You know what? You're right.
The world isfull of suckers today.
Let's profit off them.
Let's sell these roses for twice what you paid for them and make it rain cash! Okay.
Okay, Jimmy DiMeo aims to please.
But Jimmy Valentine knows a special bouquet when he sees one.
I'm saving these for you.
Ah, ah! I insist.
"Izzy, I thought that we could talk about what you and Kenneth have in common.
" - Like what? - Well, I'm a big sports guy.
- Do you like sports? - I love sports.
- What's your favorite sport? - Team handball.
Bit of a dead end.
Uh, let's take a turn down food alley.
Um, uh, what's your favorite food? I like buffets.
Say you're at a buffet.
- What do you grab first? - A plate.
- Music! - Did you make the playlist we're listening to? I sure did.
We shouldn't talk about music.
" What am I supposed to do when you guys take your sidebars? A little handball maybe? "Okay.
This isn't going well.
I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
" Oh, thank God.
"But I need you here so you'll have to insist on staying.
" Hmm.
All right, let's suck that way.
"Kenneth, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
" Unh-unh.
Don't wanna.
I think JJ's right.
Why would you want to stay if he doesn't want you to? Because this has been a really fun 15 minutes?! - [LAUGHS] - Oh, yeah, I'll live-stream anything.
Birthday parties, funerals Actually one of my biggest videos was "Cousin Baptism Rat-Tastrophe.
" I saw that one! So many rats! Hey, anything for good content.
Speaking of can you look into this camera and say "We're having a great date"? This is a date? This date rocks! Dylan, there you are, dear.
- You're here with someone? - Pfft, no.
This is my brother.
Brother? Would a brother do this? Hold on, you have a boyfriend? No! He is not my boyfriend.
Not your boyfriend? Are you breaking up with me? Cut it out! I swear! He's just my dumb brother.
Is that how you see me now? Look, I'm not gonna give up on you without a fight.
I met your parents! They're your parents, too, Ray! I'm gonna let you two work this out.
I like this guy, you gotta send me a link.
[THE EMOTIONS' "BEST OF MY LOVE" PLAYS] Welcome home, business traveler.
Care to close one more deal this afternoon? You've got the best of my love It's It's clear I don't mean me.
All right, maybe a hug.
You've got the best of my love [SPEAKING FRENCH] [FRENCH ACCENT] Roses for sale.
Tonight, I'm going to make sweet, sweet love to my sweet, sweet lover.
[KISSING NOISES] Get out le cash.
- [NORMAL VOICE] Give them the flowers.
- No, keep the accent.
Can we make money off of every dumb thing I do? Because that is a dangerous lesson.
Oh, hey, girlfriend.
We were just about to come serenade you.
No need, you won.
Connor's too weirded out.
Oh, nice.
And you never played so I'm not paying you.
I underestimated you.
It's kind of cool, actually.
See? Your brother's not so bad after all.
Okay, fine.
Maybe we can hang out a little bit.
Wanna do the photo booth? Yeah, where is it? Here it is.
Oh, wow.
Are these the props? - Dylan! - There's no photo booth, dummy.
Enjoy boat jail.
There is no such thing as boat jail! Wait, is this a coat check? You lock me in so many coat checks.
Dylan, you cannot trap me in here forever.
No matter what it takes, I will escape! For my love.
Oh, great.
Thanks, Jimmy.
That's the last bouquet.
Well, that's the last sucker Customer.
Oh, that's the one you were saving.
Yeah, it's okay.
It's fine.
This is what you wanted.
Stupid holiday anyway.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go back to work.
- Loads of money! - Yay.
- Oi.
- Happy? You killed Jimmy Valentine.
And on the day named after him.
No, I didn't.
[CLICKS TONGUE] No, you're conflating spending money with love, and that's Exactly what Jimmy does.
Everybody has a love language.
Jimmy's is giving expensive presents.
For him, giving to you is the best gift he can get.
Oh, and I took that away from him.
Look, if you wanna talk more, there's a Sbarro in terminal four.
My treat.
Who are you? So, a quick recap of common ground We both are humans, currently in this room.
We both saw a white bird this week, but not sure it's the same one.
We both know guys named Frank.
Yeah, I know.
I'd planned so many high-fives for this area.
"We're calling too many sidebars.
" W You called this sidebar! Is this a sidebar about too many sidebars? Fine.
No more "sidebars.
" If there's a problem, point to the semicolon.
Whatever you type next is for me, I won't say it out loud.
"What if I want to use a semicolon?" When do you use a semicolon? "To connect two independent clauses.
" I know what it's for Semicolon you don't use it! [DOOR OPENS] - JJ, I'm gonna go help out at the dance.
- What? I know you guys went to a lot of trouble, and I really appreciate it, um, but this has all been kind of weird.
Happy Valentine's Day.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES] Elvira wants to know if I'm up.
Say what you want about Maya's adaptive clothing line.
It makes for a dramatic end to a bad night.
You know, I get so used to our thing, it never even occurred to me how weird it might be to, say, a child whose date I'm on.
"It occurred to me, but it took me so long to get here.
Someone I like who likes me? I was too afraid to do it without you.
" Buddy, I love figuring things out with you.
But this new love stuff? Some of that, you're gonna have to figure out on your own.
Okay, then.
Tonight was a bust, but next time "Not next time, semicolon.
Bring me to her, semi-colon.
Semi " [GASPS] Yeah, okay.
[SARCASTICALLY] You are right.
You use it all the time.
Finally got rid of my brother.
Hey, Dylan.
Uh, this is Rachel.
- Hi.
- Great.
Now your sister's here? Ooh, she's not my sister.
But these girls are, right? Nope.
Yo, what is up, Connor Crew? Connor here, making waves on the ocean.
I asked five hot ladies out on a boat cruise and oh, no, they all came! It's a quintuple date fail! - [LAUGHTER] - I'm just your content? Uh, well, can you not say "content"? I don't like my fans seeing behind the curtain.
Seems a little less organic.
- I locked my brother up for you! - [LAUGHS] [SIGHS ] Ray, you are a genius.
MAYA: Paging Jimmy DiMeo! Your misplaced Valentine has been found and is at baggage claim.
Ready to be showered with any gift, no matter how impractical or over-priced.
I want to give you your favorite gift, the gift of extravagant giving.
- Am I gonna regret this? - You bet! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] [SLOW MUSIC PLAYS] Oh, good.
You're here.
I saw that bird again.
JJ, hurry! [CHUCKLES] "Kenneth, I need you to stay here.
" [SIGHS] Man.
"Because we're leaving.
" I love a good mislead.
Me, too.
All right.
There's hope for us.
You used me.
For a dumb video.
If it helps, it's not like you were special or anything.
I used all these girls.
And they're cool with it.
- Let's go dance.
- Okay, you're not going anywhere until you delete that video.
If you guys think I really biffed it up this time, smash that like button! - [LAUGHS] - [GRUNTS] Ouch.
But that's what you get for messing with the Connor Crew.
And that's what you get for pushing my sister.
Are you okay? Connor here! Good news I just got punched in the face! [LAUGHS] [WATER SPLASHES] Okay, we got to go before we get in trouble.
Boat jail is real.
How stupidly expensive is this? Extremely stupidly! Thank you, Jimmy Valentine! Look, money comes and money goes, but what we have is forever.
Thank you for letting me celebrate it in my ridiculous way.
And, hey, we will figure out how to pay the mortgage.
Eh, we'll worry about that last week when it was due! "Tonight must have been the weirdest date you've ever been on.
" Technically, it's the only one.
"Wait, am I the more experienced one here?" Yes.
Any pointers? "Well, most dates have a random guy there.
And there are usually more sidebars.
" [CHUCKLES] "I made Kenneth stay.
I was nervous about being alone with you.
" I was, too.
Well, if neither of us knows what we're doing, maybe we can make it up.
Maybe part of it can be getting alone? "Check.
" Hmm, it's a great start.
This is finally not weird.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING] MAYA: JJ! How is the date going?! "Kenneth won't be our biggest problem.
" Hi, Mrs.
DiMeo! I'm sorry about your hand.
But thanks for sticking up for me.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] You're my sister.
That's my job.
Yeah, but [SIGHS] I make it hard.
It's easy to defend the sweet little sister.
But I tricked you out of a date, abandoned you, locked you in a closet I got out.
[CHUCKLES] And you still defended me.
You know, sometimes I think you got the wrong sister.
But I got the right brother.
Dylan, when I purchased these tickets, I pictured myself hearing a certain affectionate three-word phrase I was building to it, Ray.
You blew it.
Now we sit here.
- I love you, Dylan.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.