Speechless (2016) s03e15 Episode Script


1 Hello, darling.
Out with Izzy again were you? One month and still going strong.
I can't wait to meet her.
Things are going very well for me, too.
Melanie taught me PowerPoint.
Want a demo? - [EXPLOSION] - MAYA: Betrayal: Why is JJ ashamed of his mother? I like the moving letters.
Let me meet your mum! I don't know what she sounds like.
I had to improvise.
People who have gotten to meet Izzy Kenneth Ray You took a picture of me sleeping? Worse.
Found it online.
the server at the yogurt place I followed you to last week.
I put too many toppings on! I don't want to judge her based on her toppings, - but it's all I know! - When meeting Izzy, Maya pledges not to: Embarrass JJ.
Interrogate Izzy.
Collect Izzy's hair for a drug test.
- Other lies to come.
- Ah, that was a placeholder.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I was supposed to pitch on that.
Reasons Maya deserves to meet Izzy: She gave birth to you.
- 30 hours of labor.
- 30 hours.
Brought you into this world.
Gave you life.
I feel like one and three are similar? The only plausible reason you do not introduce me: You hate me! Perhaps you've forgotten what I've done for you.
- Here's a refresher.
- JIMMY: Come on, Maya, honey.
- You're doing great.
- [MAYA GROANING] NURSE: Deep breaths.
You're doing great.
- Just push, honey.
- You're doing great.
- Keep pushing.
You're almost there.
- Just breathe.
- Good.
- Don't forget to breathe.
- Don't forget to breathe.
- MAYA: It's coming out! - I can't get it out! - JIMMY: Home stretch.
- This is amazing.
Look at this! - [MAYA SCREAMING] - KENNETH: Wow.
- JIMMY: Oh.
If you don't say anything about that, you really don't talk, do you? RAY: Great news, guys.
I just got my license.
Welcome to the club.
- Who's Trudie Higgins? - Not my problem.
I'm the organ donor now.
JJ, since you can't get a driver's license, I want you to know that this is our license.
I'm serious.
Wherever you want to go, I will drive you.
These passenger gloves are for you, and, together, we shall tour with a panache not seen since the golden age of the motorcar.
God, you guys ruin everything I like.
"Listen, I have an announcement.
I've decided to introduce you to Izzy?" Oh, thank you, darling.
Thank you so much! What?! No, man.
Don't be teaching her the birth video works! JIMMY: This is great.
Maya, you're really gonna like Izzy.
I met her last week.
Why would I make that joke? Who Who's that for? "Just know we're doing this my way.
Izzy likes games.
We'll have a game night.
Everyone will behave.
" Oh, I do hope so.
Who are you worried about? Well, me, of course.
Well, you know how I am with JJ.
I don't know this girl.
Anything could happen.
But it's you.
Can't you control yourself? I can.
The same way The Wolfman can control himself But, you know, then his son brings home the full moon.
"Are we going to be able to do this?" Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no.
It's gonna be fine.
As long as she's not bad for you.
Ooh, did you see that? [GASPS] I-I'd be very worried about that.
[LAUGHS] What's with the lump? He just walked in and insulted my cheeseball.
You made the cheeseball? Yuusss! I only make this for really special occasions.
Dinner with that guy who claimed to be my new boss.
That guy was a liar.
We figured it out when we caught him taking a bath.
Weird night.
Now, nobody touch this.
This ball is just to impress Izzy.
She gets first taste.
[CHUCKLES] Man, I haven't seen this much excitement around a cheeseball since W-Who's that SNL guy? He He sucks.
Ya gotta know where you're going with it, Kenneth.
I know I said I'd get Izzy a gluten-free cake from the terrible bakery.
And I went there, and I picked one! And then I had the thought that it did make her seem a bit high-maintenance.
Next thing, I'm in the car covered in the worst frosting.
Not chocolaty at all, just brown! Help me, JJ! "We have thirty minutes to get a cake for Izzy.
Time to use our license.
" Thirty minutes? Seems a bit rushed.
And I just checked the weather, and I am not liking that dew point Okay, okay.
I just have to do my ten-step pre-drive checklist.
"Greetings, passenger " - [THUD] - Ow! Okay, fine! I'll skip ahead.
"Rule number six: My car is a hate-free zone.
Misogyny will not be tolerated.
" Bad news, everyone.
It looks like I bought an outfit I saw Izzy wearing online.
I seem to be pursuing some sort of "Single White Female" strategy.
What are we gonna do? Jimmy, stop me from ruining this.
Distract me.
Show me a video of a special-needs mom doing a transfer that's technically correct - but not the way I do it.
- You got to relax.
Do you know how important tonight is? No, I spent eight dollars on cheeseball ingredients 'cause I don't.
I just want it to go well for JJ, but what do we know about this girl? I mean, she really could be in it for the wrong reasons.
Well, I'd rule out "gold digger.
" I know that I am really good at protecting JJ whilst also giving him space.
I mean, I'll even let him go to college an hour away.
But this I have no control over this.
She could break his heart.
This has to go well.
I'll do it.
I'll be all over you.
I'll be your shadow.
I'm never gonna let you out of my sight.
- Where'd you go? - Jimmy, she's getting away! KENNETH: You were right.
That thing is frickin' awesome.
- You tasted it? - Mm-hmm.
- Heaven.
- But how? It It looks so perfect.
Took a slice out of it.
Smushed it back together.
It looks exactly the same.
It's ball science, baby! Uh - Mmm.
- Can you tell? - Scientifically, no one can.
God, why is it so good? I think it's the love.
I mean, you can tell it was made with love.
And the rich tradition.
- It comes through.
- Yes! Like in the old country when food was about coming together, a common language.
Food used to be about tasty bites, not gigabytes.
Hear, hear.
I'll eat to that.
Oh, you're making it uneven.
Here, I'll fix it.
Maybe just a little bit more.
All right, got the cake, and we should be home before Izzy.
Okay safety checklist.
Head count.
All accounted for.
Once again, misogyny will not be tolerated.
Izzy will be at our house in ten minutes.
" [HORN HONKS] [WIPERS SQUEAK] We are good to go.
Time to head home.
Right after this fog clears.
Izzy, welcome.
Hi, Mr.
Please, Mr.
DiMeo's my father.
- Call me Jimmy.
- I'd rather not.
I'm awkward.
I've never heard anyone just come out and say they're awkward before.
It suggests a certain amount of comfort.
No, I regretted it immediately.
I'm spiraling now.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
- Okay.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING] Where are you? Izzy's here.
We're late! This fog, it's terrible! Stop it! Oh, great.
Now I have to start the safety checklist all over again.
Head count! One Just get here safely.
I've got your mom occupied for now.
- Okay, bye.
- [HORN HONKS] [WIPERS SQUEAK] I can't believe you tangled this chain and you have to wear it tonight.
Why worry about a chain when you should be distracting me from Izzy? JJ stepped away, but he'll be right back.
Did he say how long he'll be? Izzy, relax.
It's me.
You're acting like you're stuck here with some dad.
I'm not gonna pick you apart or pry.
I'm cool.
Do you mind if I use the restroom? Please, my father's bathroom is the restroom.
Call it the can.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES] [CELLPHONE CHIMES] Oh, it's from my own son.
Maybe it's a text for me that he sent to her phone for some reason? I've got to look.
[SIGHS] If I shouldn't do it, say "no.
" - [BARKS] - Eh, not bark.
I said "say.
" The text said, "I'll be back soon.
Don't talk to them about it.
They won't understand.
" Oh, they're definitely hiding something from us.
Go get her, Wolfman.
[WOLF HOWLS] Wow, you've been practicing.
"Ray, just drive.
I need to get home now.
" Stop pressuring me.
Look at us.
What are we doing? If we turn on each other, the fog wins.
"Izzy is home alone with Mom.
I'm begging you.
" I'm not risking your life by driving through that.
But I can offer you this: I'll drive around the perimeter of the fog.
[SIGHS] Okay, home is that way.
If the fog be merciful, she will lead us there.
[GROANS] Yeah, bad news.
The fog be not merciful.
The other way it is.
Well, we got the shape right.
The question is, will he remember the size? At a certain point, this cheeseball is just evidence.
I meant we should split it.
Well, we have to make another one.
- What was in it? - I don't know.
It's a secret DiMeo family recipe passed down from generation to generation.
All I know is in it is love.
Well, there's this cheeseball recipe on the back of a box of crackers that Jimmy circled.
It'll have to do.
We promised JJ tonight would go well, but we need to get to the bottom of this text.
Oh, we'll cover the text.
And so much more.
Buy me ten minutes to prepare.
What are you gonna do? I'll tell you right now, I will testify against you.
It's game night.
Let's play a game.
"Revelations: The Game of Truths"? It's nice to meet you, by the way.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's play.
I've never heard of this game before.
It's very easy: you just take the tokens and you move through the revelation zones: past plans, future plans, hard truths, hypotheticals, physical challenge.
That's part of the game, too.
Pretending it's the first time you've seen it.
Yes, so that is a bag of truth gold for me.
Right, now, everyone put on your honesty band.
They turn red if you lie.
And I shall place the hammer of falsity in the middle of the game and hope we never have to use it.
How did you make this in ten minutes? With a mother's love for her son.
But, like, we don't have a printer.
Right, new player goes first.
Spin the wheel.
What's the worst thing you've ever done? - It hasn't stopped yet.
- Doesn't matter.
That's part of the game.
RAY: "Can you go faster?" Oh, yeah, actually, I can because my whole attitude about the fog and darkness has suddenly changed, and I am no longer terrified of this scenario.
"Half of that license is mine.
My half says drive.
Or is that just something you made up to make me feel better?" Like out of pity? No, you're right.
T-R JJ, I cannot read right now.
- This is hard enough - [METAL CRUNCHES] T-R-E-E "Tree.
" [SIGHS] Yeah, thanks.
Which is why I have such a good relationship with my other three cousins! Bam! That's ten truth tokens! Maya, you're banker.
Token me! Token yourself.
Izzy, you're up.
"Name someone you're close with.
" I guess my dad? Reversal.
Name someone else.
Uh, my mom? Reversal.
Non-Family Handcuffs.
You are wasting all your good cards.
- I guess JJ? - Oh, unexpected.
Spin the Truth Wheel.
Let's get your next question.
"Tell a secret you have with this person.
" Tough one.
I guess you should just be totally honest and forthcoming.
[SIGHS] Well, I guess the biggest secret is how, um Gosh, this is hard to say Um, neither of JJ's parents know that I know they taped together parts of five different board games to create a fake game to ask me questions, so all of my answers have been lies this whole time? That's enough games for now.
Who wants cheeseball? - I'd wait.
- Doesn't feel like the time.
I don't know what that is, but we just got started with this game.
And I have questions for you.
Maya? It's good.
I honestly don't think I'd know this isn't Dad's.
Well, you know what? I hate it! [DISPOSAL WHIRRING] It doesn't taste like love at all! It tastes like fear.
We start over.
That was the last of our cheese! Well, I have high standards, and I will not apologize for it.
What are we supposed to do now, Kenneth? Dad's gonna walk in here at any moment ready to serve Izzy a cheeseball, and we don't even have cheese! What if we use not cheese? What if it just looks like a cheeseball long enough for us to drop it on the floor? It's the perfect crime.
- [CHUCKLES] - Yeah! For a couple people who've eaten collectively three pounds of cheese, we're pretty smart.
How noticeable is it? Be honest.
Not brutally honest.
Maybe open with a joke.
"Oh, no, look at the cake.
This never would've happened if you had just " D-R-O Oh, my God, JJ, okay, I get it.
I'm not your chauffeur.
"I thought it was our license.
" Well it's not, okay? It's my license! I just said that because I felt bad for you! And now I feel bad because I'm admitting it, so I'm just gonna go for a walk.
- [THUD] - Ow! I hit a tree.
- [THUD] - Ow! Another tree! What is this, a dang arboretum?! Question card.
Why does JJ have such an early curfew? Good move, but it's - it's actually my turn.
- Mirror card.
Why do you want him to have such a bloody late curfew? Okay, so we're just gonna ignore the rules now that Jimmy's winning.
Are you carrying my grandchild? - Ew! - "Ew" is not an answer.
Don the answer-dodge cap! - Does he have a journal? - Yes.
- Do you read it? - Yes.
Does it say nicer things about me than it says about you? Jimmy, for the love of God, use your power tokens and stop this! I can't.
I'm saving them for the mouse trap! Enough.
I'll stop it.
Because no amount of answers will satisfy you.
I get that you're afraid.
You've helped JJ through so much, but this is the one thing you have no control over.
No, it's not true! I have a "control everything" card! I care about JJ.
A lot.
And I trust that you taught him well enough to choose someone that cares about him the way he deserves.
Oh, Izzy.
I'm sorry we put you through all this.
You do actually seem like a very special person.
We were just desperate to know everything about you, and of course we can't know everything, and nor should we.
Technically, she went over time, but I concur completely.
I think you're quite good for JJ.
I think I like you very much.
Now you say you like me.
[SIGHS] - I like you.
- Oh, Izzy, Izzy! Well, I guess if this evening proves anything, it's that JJ was right.
We wouldn't understand, whatever it is.
- What was that? - Oh, nothing.
- How did you know that? - What? I don't Hmm? No reason.
Maya, help.
Make a new board game.
I didn't look at your phone, if that's what you're insinuating.
Who's this, then? Oh.
Your phone has a camera? - [SIGHS] - Must be nice.
Well, at least you were true to your word.
You kept me from ruining it.
Yeah, you're welcome.
I really don't see how this helps.
- Just read it.
- "Maya, come to the mall quick.
Free pretzel samples.
" And then an emoji of a taco.
You read my text.
I feel violated.
We are even.
Also, you actually sent this text to your car dealership.
- What? - Jimmy! I would've loved pretzel samples.
Izzy, the point is, we're sorry.
Our one promise to JJ was to make this night go well, and we screwed that up.
Please, what else can we do? - It's your call.
- I think I'm gonna go home.
- Oh, hell no.
- Over our dead bodies.
Look, I'm sorry, JJ.
"I don't need your pity.
" It's not pity.
I just feel guilty sometimes.
When I hit big milestones like getting my driver's license, I think about how you won't.
It makes no sense.
There's no reason why I should get to be able to do these things and you don't get to.
It's not fair.
"You're right, but we don't have control of it.
I don't waste my time feeling bad about it.
You shouldn't.
" I shouldn't? Well, if we're talking about things we can't control, Mom with Izzy is gonna be whatever she is.
No cake can fix that.
"Let's just eat this thing, then.
" Mmm.
Gluten-free, huh? Yeah, you can really taste the absence of everything.
"The fog is lifting.
" Yeah, it really is.
I'm glad we finally got to talk about this.
"I meant literally.
" Oh, yeah, no, I-I knew that.
Emotional fog? What are we, a couple of girls? "No " M-I " misogyny.
" You remembered.
Hey, that looks like the mailbox Mom hit with her car.
And is that the lamppost Mom hit with her car? And the car Mom hit with her car We're just a couple blocks from home! "Follow the things Mom hit with her car.
" No wonder I'm such a terrible driver.
[JJ LAUGHS] Okay, so, here we are at the bargaining table.
You're kidnapping me.
All right, great.
Let's discuss your proposal.
Please stay.
We'll give you the licensing rights to the game.
Would a bribe help? See this jar of change? It is all yours.
Where are the quarters? Oh, wow.
You are good at this.
Well, here it is.
Jimmy's famous cheeseball! Yes, this will make you love us.
It looks bigger than usual.
It's just closer to your face.
Oh, no! My side is slipping! Oh, as is my side! [GRUNTS] [BREATHING HEAVILY] Got it.
Fastest you've ever moved in your whole damn life! [CHUCKLES] Good D.
Good Good D, Jimmy.
- Yeah? - I'm okay, actually.
Izzy, if there's one thing we miserable retches can do, it's make a party cheeseball that radiates with love.
Please eat? - Or don't.
- Or don't.
[SPITS] Ew! That's gross! Is that clay?! Bingo! [CHUCKLES] Super-taster over here.
I mean, it's clay and dog food.
Wh I'm not gonna use all my clay.
- I play with that.
- [DOOR OPENS] What is wrong with you people? - RAY: "You're still here.
" - Hi.
"I was worried they scared you off.
You are a card.
"Do you have a venereal disease?" I mean, not that card.
Just a card in general.
What took so long? Is everything okay? I will try to find the right time to answer that question.
"Has it been okay?" Your parents made me feel very welcome.
You have to have a little more faith in us, JJ.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
We were awful.
We grilled her, we invaded her privacy, we fed her dog food Yeah, I don't know why you made us meet her.
KENNETH: "Aw, come on, Wolfman!" No, no, it's not The Wolfman's fault.
I read your text to Izzy.
I freaked.
Of course you guys are allowed to have secrets.
"Actually, no, Ray showed me it's better to come clean with the stuff you're holding onto.
That's when the fog clears.
" Metaphorically? Well, good.
'Cause you can tell us anything.
And we're not afraid she's gonna take you away from us.
KENNETH: "Izzy's going to college in New York.
" Well, why wouldn't we understand that, darling? "I want to go to film school there.
" Okay, good, I wrecked my car.
That's a load off.
New York? But how would that even be possible? And when were you going to tell us? Well, how is that a question about sports and entertainment? "I figured I wouldn't apply because I was afraid to tell you, but I really want to go.
" What did you do to all of my games? "Well? Can I go?" Can you go? We were worried about you going to school an hour away.
This is a much longer conversation.
"I still have to fill out an application.
And make a film.
By tomorrow.
" Bombshell bonus.
You win "Revelations"! Best two out of three?