Speechless (2016) s03e17 Episode Script


1 Well, that took longer than I thought.
Sorry, bud.
The Lafayette Gazette is running a piece on girls' basketball, and they wanted Coach Kenneth's take.
You don't know any Phil Jackson quotes, do you? Hopefully, no one else will either.
[CHUCKLES] "I've been waiting for 20 minutes.
" What? Oh, is someone not happy with their service? Wait.
Is this because I haven't fixed the headrest yet? I ordered the part! You don't know I didn't.
- [HORN BEEPS] - Hey, babe.
Why are you still here? "Ask Phil Jackson.
" [SIGHS] His Highness is feeling that he's not my sole focus, but he has my full attention.
I don't even notice, for example, that my power forward is in the back without her seat belt.
- Thanks, Olivia.
- [SEAT BELT CLICKS] We're gonna get yogurt.
I'll text you later, JJ.
- All right.
Take care.
[CHUCKLES] Hello, Melanie.
Um, bye, JJ.
" "I love you.
" Yeah? Kind of early for that, no? R "Car.
" - Y-O-U-R.
- [GRUNTS] Your c Your car.
Your car! He said he loves your car!! - DYLAN: Hey, just a heads-up.
- [INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV] I've got someone coming here to study tomorrow.
Ooh, is it a boy? - Yeah.
- Wait, really? Yeah.
There's a hot new kid in my class.
He got kicked out of his last school.
MAYA: He sounds like trouble.
[LAUGHING] I know, right? Dylan's bringing home a boy.
Already? I mean, I knew this day was coming, but I figured by that time, I'd be threatening.
You know, jacked, with a bigbeard and a scary dad handshake.
Andhe's a bad boy? What? Do I cut an apple with a knife? - Do we have a shotgun? - We own a Shop-Vac.
That thing's loud.
MAYA: Oh, hey, darling.
Thanks so much for your help with my bank-loan application.
I sent it in with some creative interpretation of collateral.
I'm talking to you, "Banksy original.
" Oh, yeah? I'll leave you alone now.
What's wrong, darling? Did Saturn blow up? Today's the anniversary for the time you said you were gonna take me to a water park for Special Boy Time, but then something came up and we didn't go.
I didn't know it meant so much to you.
It's too late to make up for it now.
And, in a sense, there were water slides that day.
"Ray's Cheeks.
Must be this sad to ride.
" A word, Ray? Hey! Stop pulling on it! The doctor said you gave me long ear! - [HORN HONKING] - KENNETH: He loves your car! He said he loves your car! [TIRES SCREECH] Hey, Izzy.
Slight miscommunication.
JJ was saying, "I love your car.
" The "I love you" was mybad.
Uh, that seemed big.
[LAUGHS] Okay.
Uh, we're cool.
Bye! [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY] "That was my first 'I love you.
'" I understand.
I'm sorry.
"I don't throw it around, like some people.
" Is this about my multiple marriages? You know I'm sensitive about that.
"What are you notsensitive about?" Is this about me being sensitiveabout everything? You know I'm sensitive about that.
[SIGHS] It was an honest mistake.
"And you've been making a lot of them lately.
You and I need to have a conversation.
" Did you talk to my second ex-wife? You're starting to sound a lot like her.
And you don't have the ass to pull it off.
[ENGINE STARTS] [GEARSHIFT CLICKS] What are you doing kicking up drama? Mom's a great lady.
I'm sorry.
I'm just up to no good.
I reallyhated that.
I don't care about Special Boy Time.
Here's how it works.
I guilt Mom about something that happened 10 years ago.
She wants to make it up to me now, but she doesn't want to take a day to bring me to a water park, so I get something else.
That's actually pretty good.
Hello, private SAT tutor.
You had to go and Ray it up.
I've been guilting Mom about Special Boy Time for years, all to get other stuff.
She has no clue.
This kid has been guilting me about Special Boy Time for years to get other stuff! I am sick of it! How does it even work on you? Ah, it used to be cute.
You know, thisis a special boy.
Thisis a needy man.
What is that even doing in here? Did he put it over our wedding photo? I don't know, but I am done with it.
Son, I am gonna crush you.
I'm glad you came to me, JJ.
A relationship with an aide can be tricky.
Sometimes, you need a forum to air your grievances.
Do Ineed to sit in the damned forum? How long have you guys been together? - Three years.
- Three years?! And how many aides have you had before this? - "None.
" - None?! Do you say everythingthat way? Everything?! Guys! It's not meant to be a long-term gig.
Sometimes, you need to make a change.
"It's not like that.
" And your loud insensitivity aside, JJ is leaving for college in six months, and I'll be moving on then.
You are kind of crowding the forum, dude.
- Take a page out of Randy's book.
- Randy? Randy! Reveal yourself! [LIGHT CLATTER] Hi, I'm Randall.
That's right.
He hates being called "Randy.
" Randy, meet the guys.
Dude, whatever.
Have your little talk.
But you don't know how good you have it with me.
Wait six months.
[CHUCKLES] You'll see.
"Maybe we should see now.
" Oh, Randy.
You just slid right in there, didn't you? You shouldsee! Take Randy for the day.
"Works for me.
Take the day off.
" Today? You want to give me this day off, right now? [CHUCKLES] Okay.
Today is my day off, dummy! Oh, darling.
I feel so guilty, I couldn't sleep at all last night.
That's the last thing I wanted.
Darn it! There's got to be some way of making it up to you.
We can find a way.
We must.
Let's go to a water park.
Let's brainstorm and come up with several ideas.
No, darling.
You've reallywanted to go.
So pick a day, and let's go.
[WESTERN STANDOFF MUSIC PLAYS] A water park sounds great, Mother.
Why don't we go today? Music to my ears.
Which, unlike yours, don't instantly become infected when submerged.
Music to my hair.
Which, unlike yours, doesn't get this big when wet.
I'll be waiting in the car.
I'm looking forward to it.
I'm looking five-ward to it.
I'm looking five-ward three it.
I'm Kai, here to see Dylan.
Hey, Kai.
[CLEARS THROAT] I'm Dylan's dad.
[GRUNTS] Come on in.
So, Kai, is it? What are your intentions with my daughter? Dad! [CHUCKLES] Let's go study.
You guys go study.
I will be right here the whole time.
[MOTOR WHIRRING] [SUCTION MUFFLES] Aha! Okay, okay, is this about the banana? Look, we were out of apples.
What are you doing? You're ruining everything! I am intimidating him.
You bring a bad boy into my house, I'm gonna show him my vacuum.
Look, this kid is trouble, and I am going to check him out.
Fine! Do it while also showing him you're normal.
I can do that.
Head back in the game.
Those were not there a minute ago! What is going on?! No, I'm good.
I'm good.
"Just a note to say I still love your friend's car.
" [LAUGHS] "Inside joke.
Funny story.
" No need.
It's your business.
Um, I just need a stamp.
I actually have a couple on me.
Um American flag or Gregory Hines? "No stamps.
We'll chase down Izzy's friend's car and toss it in.
It'll be fun.
Let's" P-R "practice.
" This is from JJ.
"More energy.
Toss it.
" Got it.
Um this is from JJ.
I'm not really into capers.
- [SIGHS] - "Fine.
How about we go see a movie about a caper instead?" Now I'm excited.
MAYA: Here we are, in the parking lot.
Last chance not to enter Great Wolf Lodge.
[WESTERN STANDOFF MUSIC PLAYS] Here we are, in the lobby.
Last chance to not go into the water park itself.
Here we are, at the entrance to the water park.
The real and final incontrovertible point of no return! - Why are you making me do this?! - What is wrong with you?! - Just give up! - Fine! Let's go! Okie-dokie.
Have fun! No! We don't want this! Tell me what you were trying to squeeze out of me! A private SAT tutor! Nerd alerrrrrrrrrrrrt! [BOTH SCREAMING] [BOTH LAUGHING] - Yeah! - Whoo! That was awesome! - Again! - Out of my way! - Out of my special boy's way! - Yeah! [CHUCKLING] So, Kai, you were gonna tell me about yourself.
Uh, you're not gonna vacuum me? [LAUGHS] No, no, no.
Nothing to worry about there.
I'm normal.
Do you smell weed, Kai? - No.
- How do you know? Hey, is that a Martin? Uh, yeah.
You don't have to [PLAYS "DUELING BANJOS"] [BOTH PLAYING "DUELING BANJOS"] We'll get to your intentions in a moment.
In the meantime, key change? [KEY CHANGES] [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] [EXPLOSION] MAN: Oops.
[LAUGHS] Guess I don't like movies about capers, either.
[SCOFFS] [WOOD SPLINTERS, MAN SCREAMS] [LAUGHS] [KENNETH LAUGHING] Huh? What? "You followed me here?" You? I followed The Rock here.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, what is this? Oh.
It's for Izzy, huh? Ooh! [CHUCKLES] This is some good stuff here.
You know what you should do? You should track her down and then throw it in her friend's car.
Hmm? "Say good night" R-A "Randy.
" Good night, Randy! MAN: Shhhhh! Good night.
Things that bother you never bother me I feel happy and fine, ha, ha! Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight Having a wonderful time - Oh, oh, oh, oh, ah! - Haven't got a lot, I don't need a lot Coffee's only a dime Livin' in the sunlight, lovin' in the moonlight Having a wonderful time I'm right here to stay, when I'm old and gray I'll be right in my prime Livin' in the sunlight, lovin' in the moonlight Having a wonderful time I'm right here to stay, when I'm old and gray I'll be right in my prime I am reborn! I am a special boy! [BLUES MUSIC PLAYS] - [MUSIC STOPS] - Oh, hey, Dylan.
Your dad's awesome! Kai wants to hang out with you more than menow! You're ruining everything again! How can I ruin everything twice? Things either stayed ruined or I fixed them and then ruined them again.
I at least would like some credit for the middle! - Denied! - You asked me to fix it.
I did.
He was actually starting to open up to me.
Kai Haskins was opening up to you? - Yes.
- New plan.
Go back in there and pump Kai for info I can use to make him like me.
I'll catch you at my next screw-up.
- Aaaaaaaah! - Oh! Oh, my God! Did we just see someone die? Where'd they go? Are they in Hell now? I've always dreamed of being old enough to ride the Wolf Tail.
Now I'm too old and finally ready.
Don't worry, my special boy.
I'll be right here with you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] [KLAXON BLARING] FEMALE VOICE: 15 14 Stop! I'm not ready! - [CELLPHONE BUZZING] - Oh! Hello? - Mom? - Yeah, just a second.
I'll go somewhere a bit quieter.
Mom? No, stop the ride! My emotional support person is gone! Come back! I can't do this witho - [CLICK] - Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Some day apart, huh? [LAUGHS] "I found that being together took the edge off.
" [BOTH LAUGH] [ENGINE STARTS] [SIGHS] [LAUGHS] Couldn't make it one day.
[SIGHS] We couldn't make it one day.
What are we gonna do next year, buddy? [HUMMING] I call that one "They Love Me Till They Know Me.
" [VOICE BREAKING] They are fools.
One second.
I don't think I've ever met a soul so deep, and I once pumped gas next to Jewel.
I Kai? Deep? [CHUCKLES] No.
No, is is dumb.
Is pretty.
Is dumb.
But you you like him.
I mean, his face, not the nonsense that comes out of it.
Plus, all three queen bees in my class like him.
I get Kai, the entire social fabric of the grade collapses.
Chaos! But Kai's heart is like a brittle sand dollar.
He says so in one of his songs.
I-I guess my question is, what are your intentions with Kai? [SCOFFS] What are yourintentions with Kai? First, you weirdly try to protect me.
Now you're veryweirdly trying to protect Kai.
Who are you? Who are you? "Dad, don't be weird.
Dad, don't be his friend.
Dad, don't keep him from being a pawn in my sick social game.
" Uh I'm gonna peace.
Later, Dylan.
See, now I have ruined everything.
Okay, well, thank you.
Bye! Sorry, love.
It was the bank about my loan application.
How was it? What do you think, Mom? It was the Wolf Tail.
It tossed me around and laughed at me as my life flashed before my eyes.
And you know what I saw? The abyss within! So pretty good, sounds like.
Oh, darling, come on.
Let's go get some lunch.
Have fun.
I'm going thisway.
[GRUNTING] Would you prefer to go thatway? Yes! We'll find this kid.
Lucky for you, your dad has spent half of his life looking for decent guitar players.
[SIGHS] Tell me what to do.
I don't know how to help you.
I don't think I know how to help me, either.
I wanted you to be there, and then I wanted you gone.
I wanted him to like you, then I didn't.
I-I want everything and nothing, and I want to be able to yell at you about it! I can handle that.
What? But, Dad, I'm being so unreasonable.
Look, we're obviously entering a new phase here, and it's gonna be weird, but that's cool.
Weird is good.
Weird is us.
Forget Kai.
Let's go get milkshakes? See, that makes sense to me.
This really cute guy, Henry, works there, and I want to hang out with him.
[CLEARS THROAT] Don't ruin it.
I mean, you will.
Ah, but we get to find out how.
Ray, darling, where are you? You're making Mummy very nervous! Excuse me.
Did you lose your child? Yes! Thank you! My Ray.
He's about yea high, 16 years old.
He's very good-looking.
In fact, you're his type.
Come and stand here, and I'm quite sure he'll appear.
Less than a minute.
Bet me you could do it faster.
Cough it up 11 gabillion killion dollars.
Ray, darling, I'm sorry I hurt you.
To be honest, I'm quite surprised I could.
You didn't exactly come here to bond.
I didn't think you'd be fun.
Well, it was a work call.
You understand.
No, I get it.
It's just JJ always has gotten a lot more attention, and it was nice to have a bigger piece.
Now that he's gone to do his own thing, and I just hope that work doesn't become the new JJ.
Oh, darling.
You know that is the most honest and direct you've been about what you want since - Ever? - I mean, maybe even before that.
Yeah, well, the Wolf Tail changes a person.
I love you so much.
But you know what? I also really likeyou, Ray.
Work or no, I'm gonna make time.
You know, for your good andfor mine.
And if you don't, I will ask for it.
You're right.
I should stop hinting and playing games - to get what I want.
- Yes, love.
But, just to be clear, we're here because you were alsoplaying games.
[LAUGHING] Yeah, but you're the only one that has a chance of changing.
Hey, buddy.
I, um I-I figured out what we need to do.
"Me too.
When I go to college, wherever that is, I want you to come.
" Oh.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I'd watch that movie.
You and me in the big city? We meet up with some gruff cab driver who teaches us all about being gruff.
"Is your plan not my thing?" JJ, as much as I'd love to stick with you forever I signed up to help you through high school.
We did it.
It's time.
But I'm not gonna leave you high and dry.
Next year's gonna be full of changes for you.
You shouldn't have to deal with splitting with me, too.
I'm gonna ease you in.
We're gonna help you find the the best aide out there.
"Kenneth?" What, bro? "I love you.
" Well, I love your car.
[CHUCKLES] Please welcome our honorary King of the Wolves, Ray DiMeo! And his mom, the woman who invented honorary wolf royalty 15 minutes ago and made us all do this, Maya DiMeo! Ooh, ooh Is it okay if other people dance, too? Eh, in a second.
How about now? You know, on second thought, no.
Deep in her eyes, I think I see a future