Speechless (2016) s03e20 Episode Script

ON THE R-O-- ROAD A-G-- AGAIN

1 Whoo, JJ.
I've got fantastic news.
Dylan? [TUBA NOTE PLAYS] I found your perfect aide for college.
I said play the trumpets.
And I said 5 bucks.
[TRUMPET PLAYS "WAH-WAH-WAAH"] This guy's good.
His name is Tim, and he's willing to relocate.
"Abilities Magazine" named him one of the 30 hottest aides under 30.
And there's this thing where celebrities pre-hire aides in case they get paralyzed.
He's Jake Gyllenhaal's.
The thing is, this Tim guy lives in Seattle, and he is in demand.
If we want him, we've got to grab him.
Maybe make a road trip out of it? One last JJ adventure before college? - Did someone say "JJ adventure"? - Aah! God, you just called me from the supermarket.
"This isn't one of our spontaneous road trips.
They found a great aide for me to meet.
" Plus, we know you've been looking for opportunities to make new JJ memories before he's gone.
Do you know how much it turns me on when you engineer mummy-son moments? Ew.
Well, I'd like to kick the tires on this guy.
And I'd love to see Seattle Check out Starbucks.
I'm not sure if the first one's still there.
The first one's there? All right! Road trip! Uh, Mom and Dad, too bad this wasn't your idea.
You didn't have time to write new lyrics to "Born To Be Wild".
["BORN TO BE WILD" PLAYS ON ELECTRIC GUITAR] Vamp.
I'm almost there, darling.
Annual DiMeo road trip We didn't have time to practice I wrote this in ten seconds So please give us a break It's a rug frog with a destitution We've never dug one of these bagels Just read what I wrote, darling I think I need glasses A little further away? Not their best work.
Not our best work Let's play 20 questions.
I'll go first.
Why do you think I'm dressed like this? Does it trouble you that we've been driving for hours and no one's cared to ask? Yes.
19 left.
Why are you dressed this way, Ray? Well, I realized my college résumé was a pile of human waste.
So I decided to join the Eagle Scouts and beef up my extracurriculars.
- It's a little noose-y.
- Look, Kenneth.
An old friend wants to say "Hello.
" The JJ care manual! Hello, Kenneth, my old friend.
Now it's time to share me with another newbie.
But we've been through a lot, Kenneth.
We are going to miss you.
Binder, you said "we.
" The binder's right, Kenneth.
Pop, I don't want to overuse the "Are we there yet?", but stuff's getting weird back here.
Our timing's gonna depend on how many more unscheduled mother-son photo ops your mom tries to jam in.
Ooh! An ordinary bird.
Quick, stop.
RAY: How many more pictures with JJ? All of these stops are making me carsick.
Ray, you know the DiMeo road trip rule Getting carsick isn't a choice ALL: But letting the vomit leave your mouth is.
Ooh! Make a right here.
And then a left to get back on the real road? No, no, no.
It's a shortcut.
[SCOFFING] [ALL SHOUT] I wouldn't go down that way if I was you.
Road's mighty bumpy, and those tires look a little bald.
You're bald.
[LAUGHTER] Sorry, but you did set me up.
Anyway, my map's telling me this shortcut gets us to Seattle two hours early.
Your funeral.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY] So what are we thinking about that? I think we're DiMeos and we can handle a few bumps.
[THUDDING] Just two more miles like this, then we hit a gas station.
[ALL SCREAM] Then 30 more miles like this.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING] I told you we should've listened to that old man! Yep, that's a rock.
Boom! Geology badge.
"Do we have spare tires?" Sure do.
Been driving on them for four years.
All right.
Anybody have any reception? Aha! I found a quarter.
Helpful, Dylan.
You going for a jealousy badge, Scout? Maybe someone will come along and I could stop them with a flash of ankle.
JIMMY: I don't think anyone's coming.
We should probably just roll the tires to that gas station up the road.
"I'll take one.
Lay it on me.
" Come on, dirt road selfie time, JJ.
Oh! - [SPLASHING] - Aah! Maya's JJ bible! Ow! Oh, my hitchhiking ankle! Who would want you now? On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your pain level? Aah! 2! Help me up.
Ahh.
Ah! I'm fine to walk into town with JJ.
Watch me.
Aah! Aah! [WHIMPERS] And so on.
JJ, you better stay here with your mom.
I'll take the tires into town myself.
"How will you carry two flat tires?" [LAUGHS] Check this out.
Ah Oh.
[GRUNTS] Son of a [GRUNTING] So heavy.
And so on.
No! The book It fell in the river! The pages, they They washed away.
My life's work.
And the only thing that gave your life meaning.
- What should we do? - We got to re-create it while it is still fresh in my mind.
I will help you, my friend.
"We need to hurry.
The woods are making them weird.
" I'll go, too.
This quarter is burning a hole in my pocket.
Okay, but I want to make something clear.
We're not gonna have any fun and we're not gonna make any memories that your mom might feel like she's missing out on.
MAYA: Yes, don't enjoy yourselves.
That is all I ask.
[GROANS] Ray, you coming? Hardly.
A scout's place is in the jungle.
Th This is not a-a We'll be back soon.
All right.
Page 1 Welcome to the family.
BOTH: You are not, nor will you ever be good enough for this.
Y'all need a mechanic? "Didn't we just see you on the road?" Oh, that must have been my brother.
He likes to warn travelers about that bumpy road.
The mechanic will be back soon enough.
Y'all can wait in the diner across the way.
"World's best waffles? Let's make them prove it.
" And I can spend my quarter.
I've been holding it so long, the Dumbledore guy's printed on my palm.
JIMMY: I don't know, guys.
It's not a great look for us to be eating waffles while the rest of them are stranded in the woods.
Let's just stay here.
Or in a seat with a view of here.
Expectations low.
This will be empty and depressing.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Man, your worldview is flawed.
RAY: I'm off to forage.
I'm gonna bring some extra sustenance just in case.
Hey, how do you make a, uh, a scout journal dance? Put a little jerky in it.
Not sure that makes sense.
He likes a clever exit line.
So hilarious, darling.
- Well done.
- Yeah, bye.
All right, where were we? Let's double back to the prologue.
"And in the beginning, there was JJ and Maya.
And the JJ was with Maya, and the JJ was Maya " Oh, no.
That can't be right, can it? No, that's what you wrote.
It is so much harder to re-create it in my mind.
Well, if you're stumped, then I have very good news.
I made a copy, and I brought mine to show Tim, too! Oh, Kenneth, I could kiss you if it weren't strictly prohibited in the section on mother-helper interactions.
You changed it.
[LAUGHS] I sure did.
With Care Book 2.
0, JJ's ready for anything.
I made a few changes, made some corrections.
Oh, it's way better.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, Maya you've suddenly developed an unrelated eye twitch.
- Wow.
- Mmm.
"These really are the world's best waffles.
Try one, Dad.
" No, I don't need breakfast.
I just need this mechanic to get back from his break, fast.
Just a couple flats, guys.
Okay to laugh.
Hey, Mabel or something like that.
What kind of trouble can I get into with this? We got prize machines in the back.
A machine for 25 cents?! [GASPS] She'll figure it out.
Mm-hmm.
[BELL JINGLES] I'm sorry I'm not that much fun.
We just got to get out of here.
Aren't you nervous about missing the big Tim meeting? [EXHALES SHARPLY] "I'm nervous about a lot.
Can I ask you something? Don't tell Mom.
" W Just a father-son powwow? Just for fathers and sons? No moms or siblings allowed? Sure, sure.
"College is starting to feel real now Being on my own without you or Mom or Kenneth.
How do I meet people? It's hard for me.
" Buddy, college is the place to be nonverbal.
All anybody wants to do is talk about themselves.
You ask a question and just let them go.
But you're great, and people will see that.
It It can be a slow start.
It was for me.
I think I ended up okay.
"Ending up like you? I'll take it.
" It's nice to get to talk like this.
You know what? I'll take a bite.
Wow.
Wow! Oh, wow.
Mechanic's back.
Mm.
Practice meeting someone.
Get, like, 100 more of these.
This is wrong.
Incomplete.
"Tactics for handling Maya.
" Damn it, this would actually work.
Maya, relax.
I just filled in some gaps.
Oh, so now you think you can teach me about caring for JJ? Okay, I'm sensing some tension.
Let me work towards my communication badge by practicing mediation while eating some probably-not-poisonous plants for my wilderness survival badge.
Mom tell Kenneth how you feel.
I feel like Kenneth is second-guessing my ability to care for JJ with his book of secrets and lies.
Kenneth.
[GAGS] I feel that Maya doesn't appreciate the strides JJ has taken since he met me.
And she is jealous that my book - covers everything! - Now I think Kenneth is an ungrateful stooge.
And I feel like you can kiss my ass! Great.
Now that the, uh, conflict has been resolved - Get out! - Make me! Oh.
Wh Get back here with that book! See ya! Aah! Are you insane?! JJ's best pickup lines are in there.
Aah.
Decisions, decisions, huh? The obvious choice is the bouncy ball The classic.
What are you thinking? I'm just waiting to use the restroom.
But, I mean, that tattoo Just the fact that the sun itself is wearing sunglasses that makes you think.
Yeah.
You're gonna want to think on it on the can.
Yell it out when it comes to you.
Uh, hello? Oh, so you are the mechanic.
Or are you the one from the road? Sounds like you been talking to my two brothers One of whom likes to warn travelers about the bumpy road, the other who tells people I'm not here.
Sure.
Listen, I've got a couple flats.
Yeah, I can patch them quick.
Now, if you want new ones, I'll have to go to the next town over.
You'd be here a while.
Stuck here with my son? Well, if the new ones are safer.
Nope, never said that.
Yeah, I'll be in the diner when they're ready.
[CAT STEVENS' "FATHER AND SON" PLAYS] Well, you did it.
Broke the record for eating the most waffles in one sitting.
Oh! Ye Yeah.
Yeah, no, great.
I did it.
How'd you even know that that was the record? We took that sign down.
No, I saw a sign.
- Uh-huh.
- Just relax, take it easy All right, very nice.
Yeah! There it is.
There, wait for it.
And Yeah! Perfect! Nice.
Nice! - Find a girl - 320's good.
- [UPBEAT SONG PLAYS] - Huh? Yeah, first one fit the tone better, yeah.
It did.
Yeah, okay.
Why, think of everything you've got For you will still be here tomorrow I love you.
But your dreams [SPLASH] I hate it here now.
RAY: Uh, hey, Mom.
The greens I gave you to eat about an hour ago You haven't swallowed them yet, have you? Bear.
Bear, bear, - bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear.
- He's back.
[DOORS LOCK, HANDLE RATTLING] - Maya! - Can't come in my van.
Go make your own van 2.
0 and get in that.
Let me in! There's a bear out there! A bear? Was its coat black? It's brown! Sounds to me like a brown bear.
Really? Does a brown bear sound like a brown bear? Let me in! Your book covers everything.
I'm sure there's a chapter on imaginary bears.
- [BEAR GROWLS] - Aah! Aah! Bear, bear, bear! Hey, it was a brown bear.
Tires came back.
You're all set.
Oh.
Okay.
Is there anything else you can do to the car? Maybe change the oil? Typically, you need the car present to do that.
Oh, so you're the funny brother.
Oh.
Hey.
I, uh, just talked to the mechanic Excuse me.
I noticed your, uh, boy eyeing my tractor.
You two like to take it for a spin? And he said it would be ready in one tractor ride.
Huh? Hey, that mechanic ever come back? I am the mechanic.
Maybe you were talking to one of my two brothers.
- One of them - I don't care.
Look, I'm ready to go.
When are you gonna be done with our tires? Ah.
I feel, like, 30% manlier.
Should we get going? Don't want to keep them waiting.
Well, of course not.
But, sadly, those darn tires just aren't ready yet.
Then why would the tire brother tell me they've been ready for an hour? [ENGINE STARTS] Sayonara, suckers! Felt a lot faster when we were yelling "Wheee!" - [BEAR GROWLS] - [GASPS] It's okay.
You're inside, and bears don't know doors.
- [THUD] - Oh! Bears know doors! Mankind's reign has ended! Aah! Aah! Mayas know doors! Check, please.
"Why don't you want to go back? What's going on, Dad?" I don't know.
This place is so great.
And this is our last road trip.
And you're going away soon.
And I saw an opportunity, and, uh I just wanted to spend time with you, bud.
I've been so focused on making sure that Mom got time with you because she needs it, but she's not the only one Huh.
She's not the only one who's gonna miss you.
[SNIFFLES] Dad? "Are you crying?" No, I'm not.
No.
[SNIFFLES] No, kids.
I'm not supposed to make you cry.
My job is to make you not-cry.
"It's okay.
Let it out.
" I am just gonna miss you so much.
And I think about the kids in your dorm and your professors who get to see you every day like it's nothing.
I don't know why they get to do that.
They get to take the best part of my day Being with you guys, being with you alone.
That's it.
I just wanted one more day.
"Don't worry.
There's time for Mom bonding and Dad bonding.
I'll make time.
" I miss Dad.
So do I.
Ayup! [SNIFFLES] This tear is the most precious prize of all.
So weird.
I can't believe I'm stuck here with the last person I'd ever choose to be eaten by a bear with.
Why would you choose to get eaten by a bear, Kenneth? Must you undermine me every chance you get? I can't believe I ever thought we were actually friends.
Please.
It was always a friendship of convenience based around JJ.
You know what? This is dumb.
- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah.
[BOTH SCREAM] [BEAR GROWLS] Oh, no! I don't want to die angry.
It's what everyone would expect.
I could never die angry at you.
I only did my manual to be more like you.
R-Ready for anything.
- [GROWLS] - Aah! This isn't a friendship of convenience for me.
Me neither.
[BEAR GROWLS, METALLIC RATTLING] Hey, bear! [RATTLING CONTINUES] [BEAR GROWLS] Ray! Call me Reverse Goldilocks, 'cause this is gonna feel just wrong.
I'm big and making noise, and bears hate big things making noise.
Ray, stop attracting the bear! It's supposed to scare the bear! She's right! You're seducing the bear.
Dude looks thirsty.
Or hungry.
- [BEAR GROWLS] - [SNIFFS] It's the jerky smell.
No, there's no more jerky, bear.
This is just my record of my achievements.
I need this to get into college.
Or do I? If the sum of me is what's on these pages, am I really anything at all? Stop it, Ray! You're making him hungrier Or hornier! You're right.
Goodbye, scout Ray.
[BEAR GROWLS] Darling, well done! Oh, I'm so sorry about your scout book.
It's okay.
Facing down a bear makes collecting badges just to prove myself on paper seem silly.
But also, I fought off a frickin' bear! That's gonna look great in my college essays.
- Oh, there he is.
- KENNETH: Maya! MAYA: Oh, Kenneth.
Are those your pages? Our pages From both manuals! It's a double JJ Care Book miracle.
Um, excuse me, guys.
There's still a bear very much at large here.
- Right.
- Ow.
Oh, allow me.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS] The least I can do after you taught me how to do this.
Oh, yeah, and you're doing it so wrong.
[LAUGHS] Ah, man.
That Tim guy is gonna love this JJ super book.
Oh, look.
We both have a page on how to deliver JJ's punch lines.
BOTH: With a slight head nod.
Maya, I have come to share my feelings.
I want to spend more time with JJ, so I want to ride in the back.
Oh, that's okay, darling.
I want to sit next to my friend Kenneth.
We can tell stories and share secrets.
I have one about Jimmy.
I have one about Jimmy, too.
[BOTH LAUGH] Bet you're pretty jealous of my dad tear.
I'm not.
Quit asking me.
All right, guys.
Let's move 'em out.
Next stop, Tim! ALL: Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! JIMMY: Oh, pretty bumpy back here.
- Is it always like this? - ALL: Keep it in the mouth.
- Oh, God.
- Keep it in the mouth.
[LAUGHS] Seattle! "We made it to Tim.
" Man, Seattle people are grouchy.
Barely grazed the guy.
I hit his wife's car way harder.
Check me out, Seattle.
I am a fish thrower.
Ow! Dude, you got to catch the fish.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] Intricate, beautiful plan of shortcuts! We are here for an appointment with Tim.
Tim, your order's ready.
It's Tim! [CRUNCHING] Oh, oh, oh! You can run! Well, you're gonna have a look at this book! KENNETH: My best friend is talking to you!