Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 - Now that looks like a great show.
- Mm-hmm and they sure cast two very attractive and likeable lead actors.
I know, right? I mean if I were on my couch right now I would totally watch that.
Oh, wait, we are on a couch and it's time - Splitting Up Together - BOTH: starts right now! - LENA: Did you take out the trash bins? - MARTIN: Yes.
- Did you set the alarm? - Yes.
- Did you throw out the chicken? - Yes.
- Did you lock the gate? - Yes.
- Did you feed the turtle? - Yes.
- Is Mae doing her homework? - Yes.
- Did you tell Milo to brush? - Yes.
- Did you sign Mason's permission slip? - Yes.
Did you empty the dishwasher? No.
- Did you ask me to? - Yes.
Did you wash Mason's soccer uniform? - Did you refill the Sparkletts? - Yes, I did.
- I did, yes.
- Well good night, then.
Good night.
- LENA: It wasn't always like this.
- MARTIN: No.
When we first started dating, we never high-fived.
And we certainly weren't sleeping in separate bedrooms.
Not even close.
We were all over each other.
Coldplay's first album had just come out.
And we were having rigorous sex on a full stomach of Middle Eastern food.
The way you can when you're young.
I once convinced him to call in sick to work and spend the whole day in a self-realization garden.
- So I look in your direction - I only had one realization that day - But you pay me no attention, do you? - that I wanted to be with her.
And then Okay, it says it could take up to five minutes, - and then you - We're pregnant.
We're pregnant.
We're pregnant.
And in that moment, we both knew the days of self-realization - And take-out - and foreplay - and Coldplay - were all behind us.
But that was okay.
Yeah, especially the Coldplay part, because their later stuff was, you know, not as good.
And besides, now we had - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - MARTIN: Whoo! Water gun fight! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Our relationship became that of two camp counselors.
Actually, more like one camp counselor and one camp director - Babe, the window! - who was always barking orders.
- You got to shut the window! - Okay, r-relax.
- Seriously, what are you thinking? - Relax! Hey, if I didn't bark, you'd let me do all the heavy lifting while.
.
I was just gonna go for a quick run before work.
Cool.
I was just gonna do the laundry, vacuum, plunge the upstairs toilet, call a guy about the broken sprinkler, go to work, come home, and make dinner.
Cool.
What's for dinner? She was mad I didn't do more.
But whatever I did was wrong anyway.
That's how he justifies not making an effort.
- [SIGHS] - So, long story short We're pulling the plug.
"Do Not Resuscitate.
" We had a good run, but we're halting production.
"Don't Cry For Me, Argentina.
" We're shootin' Old Yeller right between the eyes.
He was a good dog, but now now he's rabid.
You saw the film.
And the kids know, and and they're okay.
And things really aren't gonna be that different, because we're gonna continue living together.
So, please, enjoy the salad course.
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need someone - To say everything's okay Everything's okay They're not eating the salad.
Well, maybe if you hadn't reference a dead dog with rabies.
- Well, nothing you were saying was landing.
- No, that was no Well, first off, I'd just like to say we're going to eat the salad.
The salad looks great.
I mean, there's grapes in there.
I think we can all agree that's a very nice touch.
Very nice.
Great looking salad.
But it's your news, darling, that's a bit confusing.
Why would you get divorced if you still want to live together? Oh, we don't want to live together.
No.
We are upside-down on the house, and the market is soft.
They can't get a divorce.
What is going to happen to us? We don't have another couple to hang out with.
Okay, guys, Camille's making a great point, here.
Look, we've been living separate lives for years.
The divorce will just give this whole thing some structure, and it'll give everyone else a chance to adjust.
Yeah.
Plus, we're not gonna be living together together.
We're gonna switch off every other week.
Right.
So, the on-duty parent will live in here, taking care of the kids, living a rich, full life.
That's right, and the off-duty parent will be living right here in, uh the in the garage.
- Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.
- - It's great, right? - [DEHUMIDIFIER WHIRRING] A-And you're never alone, because turtle! And there's tons of freedom.
Right? I mean, if you you want to leave your butter on the counter I mean, I didn't, but I could if I wanted to.
Then, you want to go on a run and not even shower afterwards? Oh, you want to rediscover your collection of ugly hats? I did.
I see.
So, it's just a lot of latitude with perishables, personal hygiene, and - unattractive headwear? - [CHUCKLES] That's funny.
See, I never even knew that you were funny because we've never had the chance to hang out together, one on one.
Can you turn that thing off? It's kind of hard to talk over it.
[SIGHS] No.
No, Lena insists I run that thing 24/7.
When it's turned off, it gets damp, and when it gets damp, the centipedes come.
The centipedes come? You know what, Artie? You are right.
Screw Lena.
I don't have to follow her orders anymore.
- [WHIRRING STOPS] - I never said that.
I mean, that's the whole point of getting divorced, isn't it? I don't know.
I've never been divorced.
And if Camille ever left me, I'd kill myself.
And not like how people say, like, "I'm gonna kill myself.
" I really would.
Like, I have a plan.
Got it.
I would drown myself.
Aww, folks.
She back on the market.
[SIGHS] Not very triumphant.
I am your sister, and I am gonna give you the real for single women our age, it's not very triumphant.
[SCOFFS] Still, I figure there must be someone out there [WHISPERS] who wants to have sex with me.
- Not necessarily.
- You two are terrible role models.
And I need you to understand, Martin is in very good shape.
Okay, what Martin does on his weeks off is up to him.
Frankly, I'm more interested in how he juggles all this when he's in here.
You know, it gonna kill him to miss his morning run.
MASON: Dad doesn't miss his morning run.
- What? - Dad still takes his morning run.
- Well, who makes breakfast? - We do.
- Who makes lunch? - We buy it at school.
Or not.
Last week, I skipped lunch and spent the money on this mug from the Young Feminist Caucus.
[SLURPS] Well, what about the little one? They don't sell lunch at his school.
What does he eat? I usually just order in.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR] Martin? Martin.
Did you turn off the dehumidifier? That's correct.
It's so damp.
You could grow mushrooms in the carpet.
- Ah.
Neat idea for a side business.
- Well, I doubt you'll prosper.
The centipedes will eat your crops.
Yeah, I feel like you've been exaggerating this whole "centipede" issue, okay? The dehumidifier's been off since last night, and I haven't seen any.
Did you cut your hair? - Yes.
- Oh.
Would you like a referral? Because you've got a real Forrest Gump thing going on.
Well, thank you.
I take that as a compliment.
Forrest was a great man.
The fictional character, Forrest Gump, was a great man? Look, is there something that you wanted? Yes, I wanted to talk to you about the food issues with the kids.
Yeah, what food issues? Mae is starving herself to buy feminist earthenware, and Milo eats takeout every day.
Lena, look.
I know you take great pride in hand-squashing every squash, okay, but I am not a good cook.
I would rather enjoy my time with the kids and not spend it ruining food.
- Do I get a say? - Well no.
See, your week is your week, and my week is my week, right? I don't come asking for your help, so don't come around here asking me for mine.
- [GASPS] - Too-da-loo! LENA: So, what, I'm the bad guy because I want the kids to eat properly? Look, Martin is a total narcissist.
No one would argue that.
I mean, he's a self-centered child, but you you have control issues, and I know you haven't figured it out yet, but all the fun stuff happens when you're not in control.
- I want fun stuff to happen.
- Of course you do.
Before I got married, I was tons of fun.
That is not my recollection.
I'm serious, Dad.
I am dying on the vine.
I'm emotionally starved, and I can't just focus on the kids anymore.
I have my own needs.
[CELLPHONE PINGS] I have to take this.
- - Oh, crap.
ARTHUR: Hey, bro! Can we take a break?! Break?! Oh! Ooh! - Ow! Not really.
- You all right, man? I don't like running.
I'm not a good runner.
[CHUCKLES] I'm only here because Camille wanted me to talk to you about Lena.
Well, that's the last thing I want to talk about.
Hear me out.
You know I married way out of my league, right? - Yep.
- I already told you if Camille ever left me, I'm gonna throw a pool party for one.
But you, you want to blame everything on Lena, when, in fact, you didn't dance with your wife at your wedding.
Wait a minute.
I-I didn't dance with her at our wedding? - That's what you think our problem was? - Kind of.
That's ridiculous.
Lena knows that I don't dance.
In fact, we discussed it, and she said she didn't care.
Yeah, but she did care, dude.
She thought you were gonna surprise her, and you didn't.
Now, I'm not saying you have to get back together, but maybe start looking at things from her side.
I don't get Many things right the first time In fact, I am told that a lot LENA: Okay, compadre.
Let's talk about your huevos and why they might be hurting.
You didn't fling them around in some weird way, did you? - Mom - You didn't try to - hang anything from them? - Mom! Well, what about your underwear? Too tight? Too loose.
What are they supposed to be? Tight or loose? I don't know.
I'll Google that and get back to you.
In the meantime, what if we elevate them? - How? - How about heat? Or ice Heat.
Okay, no offense, Mom, but maybe we should consult somebody who actually has balls, like Dad.
No.
I will handle this, okay? This is my week.
I'm gonna call your pediatrician, Dr.
Nakashima.
He has balls, too.
Okay.
That did not go well.
He could just smell my uncertainty.
I think this is the first parenting issue that I'm just completely unprepared for.
Kind of makes you wish you still had a husband in the picture.
Well, that's easy for you to say, because Arthur worships the ground you walk on.
And I let him.
He's happy because I let him make me happy, and he never feels like a failure.
MAYA: Well, you'll just take that right into your next relationship.
And are there any developments on that front other than all the sexting with your child? Okay, I admit it.
I don't want Lena dating again.
- I want her back together with Martin.
- We haven't had sex in two years.
Two Hebrew years? Two full calendar years.
And it wasn't my choice.
I tried.
Martin stopped wanting to.
He just looks through me like I'm invisible, and I accept it even though it's hurtful and upsetting and it doesn't make any sense.
And I'm sorry, but I can't live like that.
I need passion and romance and sex in my life, and Martin just doesn't.
Excuse me.
Uh, I'm looking for Martin.
- He's just around the bend, there.
- Thanks.
Sorry to interrupt ladies' night.
What the (BLEEP) was that? I mean, I thought he just lost his sex drive, but he lost his sex drive for me.
[SARCASTICALLY] Yeah, he's crazy.
Excuse me? Why are you wearing a onesie? We are outside.
- We are grocery shopping.
- We are outside the house, and I am fresh to death right here, and you look like a homeless Ghostbuster.
Why would I be a homeless Ghostbuster? I have a full-time job busting ghosts.
And what about you? - What about me? - Are you going to shoot a "Thriller" video? Do you have a diamond glove? - [CELLPHONE PINGS] - Yeah.
It's in the car.
- - Oh, it's Mason.
I'm gonna take him to see a specialist.
DR.
KASPER: Thank you for doing such a thorough job - on Mason's new patient-information form.
- I stapled some extra pages.
No, I see that.
It's very comprehensive.
- I wanted you to have a full picture.
- I do.
But the good news is your son is perfectly healthy.
He's just going through puberty.
Ah! Puberty! Mase! Right on! I'm gonna go get some Skittles from the lobby.
Okay, was that bad? - Do you think it scarred him? - Oh, no, I don't think it scarred him.
- No, I don't think it scarred him.
- A little.
Of course he would go through puberty on my week, but that's okay.
It's just growing pains.
- Mm.
- So, it's just growing pains? The balls are growing? Oh, no.
Not exactly.
I-I suspect that Mason's discomfort stems from routine arousal that doesn't fully culminate.
"Culminate.
" I'd like Mason to try masturbating, and Mom, of course, should do whatever she can to facilitate.
"Facilitate"? I just don't want him to feel shame about doing what his body needs.
No.
Him and me, both.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] - Yeah.
Let me give you my card, here.
My cell is on there.
Please don't hesitate to call if symptoms persist.
Are you sending out vibes? - Vibes? - Are we vibing? I mean, my radar might be broken, but on the other hand, you aren't leaving.
Well, you are blocking the door.
Am I? [KNOCKING] - MARTIN: Hi.
- Hi.
I wasn't sure if you were gonna come back.
Well, you did pay me to.
[CHUCKLES] Come on in.
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYS] Great, ready? Yeah.
- Okay, that's it, just up a bit.
- Oh, right up in that armpit.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, um, so just like last time.
- I don't get - Back together.
- Okay.
- Many things right - The first time - [BOTH CHUCKLE] I'm sorry, I'm really bad.
- I think you're doing great.
- I am told - Thank you.
- That a lot Now, remember.
The most important rule about dancing - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
- has nothing to do with dancing.
Never break eye contact.
- That I first saw your lovely face - Okay.
We're partners.
We have to stay connected.
And you're the man, which means I'm following your lead, and if you don't keep me in your gaze, I might get lost.
- That I am - Wow.
- I am - I think - you just explained why my marriage failed.
- I am The luckiest Hey, Mom.
Can I get a poster of Kate Upton for my room? No.
We don't objectify women in this house, right, Mom? Okay, um, I think, Mase, what your sister is saying and this is a great conversation to have, really, about women with women regarding women and that they have more important attributes than what they look like in a bikini.
Totally.
It says here that she designed some, like, limited-edition beanies to raise money for cancer.
Well, that was very nice of her.
Well, I think that raising money for cancer is sexy.
No one cares what you think is "sexy.
" No one cares what you think period.
So, can I get the poster? Yes.
You may not.
It's up to her now? God, Mom! [WHISPERING] We'll talk about it later.
He's not getting it.
We'll do it.
Hey, kids.
Dad week! Lena? LENA: In here.
What's all this? Okay.
- Mason was having some discomfort.
- Yeah.
I took him to a specialist, and apparently he needs to tickle the ivories.
Play piano? He needs to shake hands with your uncle.
My uncle? Jim? - W-What are you talking about? - The doctor said he needs to masturbate.
Seriously? Lena, why wouldn't you talk to me about this? - I'm I'm his father.
I'm a man.
- You just told me not to ask for your help.
Well, you said you didn't need my help.
Well, maybe I was wrong.
So, this is supposed to be Mason's masturbation nook? - I like to think of it as more of a lair.
- Mm.
- This is really creepy.
[CHUCKLES] - I know.
I just I thought it would be weird for him to do it in the room he shares with Milo.
Nothing is weirder than doing it in a pantry that your mom decorated.
Oh, is that Ruth Bader Ginsburg? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I really don't think she'd appreciate this.
I know.
I was just I was trying to think of, like, - worthy, capable - Okay, I got one.
She comes from a matriarchal society.
She wears a bikini, but she kicks ass in it, and her bracelet game is very strong.
- Wonder Woman? - Wonder Woman.
- Yes! Great idea, Martin.
- Oh, see? I knew I had a contribution to make to this family.
Yeah.
I'm sorry if I made you feel like that.
- Bad wife.
No.
- Oh, no.
Come on.
Good mom, bad wife.
I was.
Well I broke eye contact.
I was a bad partner.
Well, at least you're in great shape.
- I am in great shape.
- [CHUCKLES] [CELLPHONE PINGS] Sorry.
Guess it's my turn to run.
Okay.
Well, good night, then.
Good night.
- - [CELLPHONE PINGS] Here we are inside a novel waiting for an end Get it, boy.
Get it! Hey, what's up, mate? Hey, little man, I don't know if I can do that.
I-I'm just a beginner.
- Come on, Dad.
Just try.
- Oh, you mean like this? - A little old-school style? You mean like this? Huh? - Mnh-mnh.
Mnh-mnh See, I told you! I told you I can't do it! I told you! - Look, Dad.
If you want to impress the ladies - Yeah? - you're gonna have to try a lot harder.
- Oh, really? So, what, argh, you're gonna get it.
You know the ladies don't like me! You know the ladies don't like me! There's a twilight A nighttime and a dawn Who knows how long Just hang on Hang on - Hang on