Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

Devil May Care

1 Previously on "Splitting Up Together" - LENA: We're pulling the plug.
- MARTIN: And the kids know, and they're okay.
And things really aren't gonna be that different.
The on-duty parent will live in here, taking care of the kids, living a rich, full life.
That's right.
And the off-duty parent will be living right here in the garage.
I don't want Lena dating again.
- I want her back together with Martin.
- We haven't had sex in two years.
Let me give you my card, here.
Are you sending out vibes? - Vibes? - Are we vibing? - - Okay, so, Milo has a book report due Monday, Mason needs to practice piano.
At least an hour that was the deal.
- MARTIN: Okay.
- And Mae needs to take vitamin D.
The doctor said she's deficient.
There's some on the counter by the microwave.
She's deficient? How's that even possible? We live in Southern California.
Have you met Mae? What are you doing? Taking the comforter with me to the garage.
Um, no, you're not.
I just spent a week in solitary confinement.
I've been looking forward to a real bed, complete with the comfort of a comforter.
Ooh! It's so cozy! You don't even care about blankets.
- You kick them off at night.
- Yeah, but one has to be there in order for me to kick it off.
And don't tell me that I can kick off a quilt, because I've tried it, sister.
It didn't work! Uh, I'll get you a different blanket! - You're ridiculous.
- You're ridiculous! That comforter is property of the master bedroom.
Whoever sleeps here gets to enjoy full custody of that blanket and the children.
- Come here! - Hey! Hey! Hey! - Stop it! Martin! - Rahh! Ow! [BELL CHIMES] LENA: It wasn't always like this.
When things were good, we slept under the same blanket.
But once you introduce that crappy second blanket, boy MARTIN: Yeah, the marriage is pretty much over.
- [BELL CHIMES] - God! - Oh! Fine! - Ow! - Uh! - Let the baby have his blankie.
Sank you! [MARTIN SIGHS] Hey.
I'm sorry.
I'll see you next week.
[MARTIN SIGHS] - Thank you.
I appreciate the - I was talking to the blanket.
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel I just need someone - To say everything's okay - Everything's okay MARTIN: You ready to die? You ready to die? - MASON: I surrender! I surrender! - MARTIN: Gonna cry? Oh, you surrender? [LAUGHTER] Oh, are you gonna cry? Are you gonna cry? - Do I need to get you a crying bikini, huh? - [LAUGHING] - Sexist.
- [LAUGHING] Ow! Ow! Beg pardon? You're a cisgendered sexist, and you're raising two more by continuing to perpetuate negative stereotypes.
- Wha? - "Crying bikini"? Because that's what girls wear, and only girls cry? No, no, no.
The crying bikini is a it's a unisex garment, right? [CHUCKLING] Oh, come on.
Come on.
I'm not sexist.
I'm your dad.
I always treated you kids exactly the same.
Really? Because you never wrestle with me.
You want to wrestle? - Sure.
- Aww, she's gonna get it.
- You asked for it.
Rah! Uh! - Oof! - BOTH: Ooh! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Are you okay, honey? - I'm okay.
She just stood there like a drunk.
- Is it over? - Well, I mean, it can be.
Technically, you're supposed to, you know, struggle now, - try to get free.
- He's not even torturing her.
Come on, Dad.
What about the rib cruncher? Yeah.
That's your signature move.
You want your ribs crunched? Why not? Okay.
Ah! The rib cruncher crunchin' G-g-g-g-g uh! She's impervious.
Okay, that's it.
We're done.
Wrestling's over.
Come on.
Everyone.
Go.
- Aw.
- Go.
Go read a book.
No fair.
Girls ruin everything.
Hey, hey.
Milo, get over here.
Come here.
Come here.
Don't say, "Girls ruin everything.
" It-it's not cool to generalize about all girls.
Say, "Mae ruins everything.
" I appreciate that.
I'm sorry.
Is it, like, really damp in here? It is.
Here.
This should help.
Huh.
Look at those guys.
- Are those - Centipedes, yeah.
I've come to know their habits quite well.
They are a moisture-loving lot.
But these boys flew a little too close to the sun, am I right? - I'm sorry.
- What is it? I just hate seeing you like this? Like what? I'm happy.
- You can't be.
- But I am.
Camille, this is not that bad.
And besides, it's only for a week.
Actually, it's 26 weeks, if the arrangement lasts a year.
[SCOFFS] Well, I could see it lasting more than a year.
Honestly, I look forward to my garage weeks.
This is my time to focus on myself.
I had an epiphany last week in the main house.
You know how our shower has that great big skylight? - No.
- Well, it does.
And I always insisted that we never open it because of the squirrels that run across our roof.
It drove Martin crazy.
He said, "What's the point of having a skylight if we never get to open it?" I had a head full of shampoo I'm gonna kill him.
and I was about to get out of the shower to close the thing when You wanna go? Don't even think about coming down here.
I will kill a squirrel.
And in that moment, I realized something.
That you were right and Martin should have listened to you all along? No.
That squirrel is the only man who has seen me naked in two years and he's not even a man.
This is my week to change that.
- You're not gonna eat that, bro.
- I am, bro.
- Bro, I'm taking it.
- Come at me, bro.
- Don't say "come at me, bro" to your bro, bro.
- Here.
Mae, you okay? Yeah, just a little too much bro-energy, if I'm being honest.
Mmm, well, they are actual bros.
And I guess I didn't get the memo about this being a shirtless dinner, or I would have joined in.
- Gross.
- My point exactly.
Ditto for the recent no-flushing trend.
- Hey, if it's yellow, let it mellow.
- Ah, that's a good boy.
How is that a "good boy"? Mae, when you're a mom, you can make the rules, but I'm playing Mom this week.
And why are you "playing Mom"? Because you're taking care of your kids and your house? He's not really taking care of his house.
I'm literally only shirtless 'cause there's no clean laundry.
Shut up, traitors! Do you want clean laundry or the Master Sword in Zelda? I can't do both.
And besides there was a whole movie made about it in the '80s.
It was called "Mr.
Mom.
" You know what a better name for that movie would have been? "Dad.
" - She's not wrong.
- Yep.
- All right, guys.
Zip it.
- He MAE: Who are you texting? Mae.
Why are you lying in wait? Sorry, but Mom, I can't handle Dad weeks.
I just can't.
Nobody brushes and nobody flushes, and not to tattle, but Dad never moves the wet clothes from the washer - into the dryer.
- [GASPS] Can I please just stay out here with you? Oh, sweetie.
You know, I would love that, but I think your dad would be heartbroken.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR] - I mean, he really looks forward to his weeks with you.
I mean, your dad adores you.
You know who's a real pain in the ass? Your daughter.
I mean, when did she get so judgmental? Seriously, Mae can go topple the patriarchy someplace else, because I am her actual father, and the next time that girl rolls her eyes at me, I'm gonna tell her The future is female? W-Well, what the hell is wrong with her? Maybe she feels outnumbered.
Well, I'm sure Mason feels the same way during your week.
But he's not outnumbered.
He has Milo Oh, Milo doesn't count.
He's, like, a little half-human.
Look.
Mae is smart.
And insightful.
- And she's also - Not my daughter? - I was gonna say "a feminist.
" - 'Cause you can tell me - if she's not my daughter.
- Mae is a budding feminist, - and as such, she is questioning everything.
- Okay.
So, maybe if you just took a little bit more of an interest in the things that she cares about, - the way you do with the boys.
- [SCOFFS] Oh god, here we go again.
If you don't want my advice, I've got a whole shelf full of parenting books - and cookbooks.
- So, you're just gonna use this as an excuse to push your own agenda - once again.
Oh, just admit it, Lena, - You came knocking on my door.
it kills you that I don't parent the way you do.
And yet, here I stand not dead.
And clearly, my rules don't govern your world, - Right.
- hence the skylight.
[LAUGHING] Oh, the skylight? The skylight! Oh, you're just angry because you can't block my sunshine.
I was eye-[BLEEP] by a squirrel! Whoa.
- I didn't mean to block his sunshine, - but somehow, I'm always the bad guy.
- Yeah.
- "Yeah"? Look, I realize that things between you two are complicated They're not complicated.
They're over.
but then again, the devil you know But then again, who wants to be married to the devil? You should've heard the way he talked to me last night.
He blames me for everything, including his relationship with Mae.
But on the plus side, not a squirrel.
Fine, I'll give you "not a squirrel.
" But need I remind you, Martin's dating.
We have no way of knowing whether he is or isn't dating.
Well, regardless, I am more interested in the cute doctor I've been texting.
What cute doctor? The one who treated Mason.
I asked him out for drinks tonight.
This is my mom's, but I'm allowed.
- I know, Toby.
- So, what? You just use emojis now, like some tween? - The heart-eyes one - - The tongue-out one - - The snorting-coke one - That's not coke.
- That is a ton of coke.
- [CHIP READER BEEPING] Okay, relax, chip reader.
We all waited for you, and now, the second you're ready, Toby's supposed to jump?! - [SIGHS] - I thought you'd be happy for me.
- Well, I'm not.
- I'm sorry.
I just really miss the way things used to be.
Well, I don't, okay? I don't want a platonic marriage.
I want to be with someone who's into me.
I want to be with someone who wants to tear my clothes off.
Are you the type of person who would let someone tear their clothes off? Well, obviously not my high-end pieces.
- - "Gender Wars"? - Why are you looking at Mom's books? - Oh.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, man.
Uh, I'm just doing a little research on your sister.
And your mom.
- And just women in general.
You know.
- - Care to join me? - I'm good.
I mean, it'd be one thing if she were dating to get back at him, but I don't think she's doing it for him.
I think she's doing it for her.
Which means it's really over.
That's a fair assumption.
- I don't understand your attitude.
- What attitude? How can you take this whole thing just lying down? Take what lying down? Someone else's divorce? Well, if it could happen to them, - it could happen to us.
- It's not gonna happen to us.
- Well, how do you know? - 'Cause if you ever tried to leave, I would hold you captive like an orca.
- That's illegal.
- What do I care? Without you, my life is over anyway.
See, that is exactly the type of needy, desperate, deranged behavior that it takes to keep a marriage together.
[SMOOCHING KISSES] [FLUSHING] MAE: Sorry, I flushed.
What's with the hats? Well, uh we just wanted to show you that we support your cause.
My cause? You guys are hilarious.
[DOOR SLAMS] I told you this wasn't gonna work.
I like mine.
ARTHUR: Whoa, are you cooking? Yeah.
I just realized that I did have a tendency to let Lena do most of the household stuff, and now, I'm trying to you know - Change? - Yes.
Change.
W-Why now? Well, for starters, my daughter hates me.
I mean, I-I've already screwed up my relationship with Lena.
I don't want to lose Mae, too.
Martin, you're so vulnerable right now.
It's beautiful, bro.
It's seriously beautiful.
- Can I give you a hug? - I-I-I don't really want to do that.
Come on.
Let's hug.
Okay.
- Mmm.
- Ahh.
It's all right.
- Oh! - Aah! Stay in the hug, all right? Don't turn around.
- Oh god, what's happening? What - You don't want to see.
- I do want to see! - Okay, you're gonna stay in the hug, because you're gonna need it.
Now, slowly rotate to the right.
Slowly.
Great.
Great! She got a date, huh? DR.
KASPER: I'm, uh, really glad you texted.
- Well, I'm glad you responded.
- Of course I responded.
Although, to be clear, I don't do cocaine.
Okay, is that the coke emoji? I [LAUGHS] You're really cute.
You know? And pretty.
And I would like to kiss you.
- [BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY] - Uh, I-I-I'd like to administer a kiss.
Well, let me prep the patient.
Ahh.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] - Soft, but not mushy.
And, like, tongue, - Oh but not an oppressive amount.
You know what? - Use your best judgment on the tongue.
- [CHUCKLES] I just wouldn't I wouldn't go crazy.
- Okay.
- You like to call the shots, huh? Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- I just I'm trying to work on that.
- Yeah.
- You know what? Don't listen to me.
- Oh, okay.
You just kiss me however you want.
Thank you.
And I'm sure you're gonna crush it.
- [WHISPERING] So, good luck in there.
You got it.
- [WHISPERING] Okay.
- Can I come in now? - Do it.
[SIGHS] I think, maybe, I got into your head a little bit.
Um, why don't we take another run at it, but this time, you know, just - I think, it was like - [CELLPHONE VIBRATING] - It was - Wait.
Uh, rain check.
One of my patients just landed in the ER.
- Oh, my gosh.
Of course, yes.
Go.
- Uh [BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY] Bye.
So, you're a nightmare.
I beg your pardon? Well, how can anyone succeed when they're being given that much direction? See, now, I would argue, "How can one not succeed when given that much direction?" So, you dictate orders, he says, "Yes, ma'am," and - next thing you know - Haven't had sex in two years.
Who hasn't? What? I don't know.
Not me.
I was just saying, like, one hasn't just one that hasn't had sex in two years.
I don't know.
- I'm just saying hypotheticals.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] Well, hypothetically I think you need someone who knows how to push back.
My ex-husband pushed back.
- Did he push back hard? - Hard yeah.
We fought all the time.
So, maybe you like it gentle.
[LAUGHING] Okay.
- Relax.
Let's just relax, okay? - [LAUGHS] I'm someone's mother.
I'm actually three people's mother.
And motherhood and sexuality can't co-exist? 'Cause, from where I'm sitting, they can and do if you could just chill out a little.
I can chill out.
I don't want to lie to you I cannot chill out.
MARTIN: Kids! Dinner! Okay, you guys.
So, the reason I do not cook is not because I am a male chauvinist, it's because I suck.
It's delicious.
Stop it.
It is.
See for yourself.
It looks like dog barf, but it tastes great.
Cut it out.
It is delicious.
Men really can do everything, huh? [MARTIN SIGHS DEEPLY] - Not bad, huh? - MAE: See, Dad? If I hadn't pizza-shamed you, you would have never discovered - your inner domestic goddess.
- Mm.
This is true.
- Can I be excused? - Yes, you can, little man.
- Uh, me, too? - Yeah.
You, too.
- Hey, Mae.
- Hm? You know, just because I'm the guy doesn't mean that I'm the bad guy.
I know.
Okay.
Good.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
When you were little, I really knew how to play with you.
I did.
I would I would throw you up in the air, and you would scream and run around, and I mean [LAUGHS] But then, you grew up, and you got so serious.
- I still like to play.
- You do? What do you like to play? Boggle.
Well, Mae, I have some really bad news for you.
Tomorrow night I'm gonna murder you.
At Boggle! [CHUCKLES] - All right.
- Okay.
[SIGHS] You're home early.
Are you waiting up for me? No.
Yes.
- [PHONE ALERT CHIMES] - [LENA CHUCKLES] Hey.
You cooked.
Is Mae happy? Your books were very helpful.
And so was your advice, so, thank you.
You're welcome.
And I'm I'm sorry if I, um, just If I have a tendency to just I'm sorry that I blocked your sunshine.
Well, I'm sorry for whatever I said that made you highlight pages 18 through 48.
- You actually read that? - [BOTH CHUCKLING] - Oh, I read.
I cook.
I clean.
- Oh? I run a mile in under 6.
Oh.
Okay.
Tell the new guy he's got big shoes to fill.
Hello, my old heart How have you been? Are you still there inside my chest? I've been so worried You've been so still Barely beating at all MASON: 6:00 A.
M.
Day after Christmas I throw some clothes on in the dark The smell of cold Car seat is freezing The world is sleeping I am I'm feeling more alone Than I ever have before Okay, seriously, can you play something a little less depressing? I'm going through a divorce here, bud.
Aw, you want me to get your crying bikini? Oh, my God.
You're so dead.
Well, what do you want me to do? This is the song that I'm learning.
You're so dead.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
Okay.
[PIANO RESUMES] She's a brick, and I'm drowning slowly Off the coast, and I'm heading nowhere She's a brick, and I'm drowning slowly [GROANS AND SIGHS] Well she told you so.