Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

Street Meat

1 Previously on "Splitting Up Together" We're pulling the plug.
The on-duty parent will live in the main house.
The off-duty parent will be living in the garage.
You want to blame everything on Lena when, in fact, you didn't dance with your wife at your wedding.
I didn't dance with her at our wedding.
- That's what you think our problem was? - Kind of.
Now, remember.
The most important rule about dancing has nothing to do with dancing.
If you don't keep me in your gaze, I might get lost.
You just explained why my marriage failed.
LENA: I want to be with someone who's into me.
I'm someone's mother.
Motherhood and sexuality can't coexist? Crazy part is, I've seen you wipe things.
I've witnessed it happening.
Didn't take.
- There's always this filmy residue.
- MARTIN: O-kay.
That's me.
I'm the residue guy.
And you always will be till you learn how to wipe harder, like you mean it.
I mean it! - I mean, I meant it when I wiped it.
- No, you didn't.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
- Did you see that follow-through? - Ooh! [LAUGHS] Man, I don't think I've ever wiped anything with that much commitment.
But I promise that I will wipe harder next time.
That's all I ask.
[VACUUM CLEANER RUNS] So, it's kind of fun that we're both single at the same time, right? Yeah.
Maybe we could do some fun - single sister things together.
- - [VACUUM SHUTS OFF] - - "Wok of Shame.
" - Single men, imitation Crab Rangoon.
- You in? - I don't know, Maya.
Both those things sound kinda - sad? - Oh, they are.
Well, what happened to that guy you met on Tinder? Rudy? RUDY: Maya! Maya! Ah.
Forgot your phone charger.
[CHUCKLES] I could've just gotten it next time.
Um, about that Are you [BLEEP] kidding me, Rudy? And it's not just Rudy.
I mean, every guy, really, is the worst.
So will you please come with me to this thing so then maybe we could meet some more of them? The thing is, Maya, that I I kind of already met someone I like.
You already met someone you like? [INHALES DEEPLY] There's two guys on here.
Not the doctor.
The hot young guy, Wes.
I know what this is.
Uh, Lena sometimes really ugly people use photos of really not-ugly people to just try to lure you in.
That's actually how I met Rudy.
- Are you talking about - You're being catfished.
- I'm not being catfished.
- Said everyone on the show "Catfish.
" I'm not on the show "Catfish," and I didn't meet either of those guys on an app or online.
- I met them in person.
- You mean in real life? Yeah.
And the doctor is nice.
I just I feel like I have more sexual chemistry with the young guy.
- Oh, sexual chemistry.
- Yeah.
And it's like he definitely takes me outside of my comfort zone.
So, you've been single for like 14 seconds, and you've already been outside of your comfort zone? Well, not all the way outside of my comfort zone.
That's kind of what I was hoping to do next weekend.
Of course.
[SNORTS, SPITS] Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay - Everything's okay - That kid is such a poser.
- Who? McManus? - He thinks he's so great just 'cause he's got syphilis.
Did you say "syphilis"? - Syphilis.
- Syphilis.
It's an STD.
Thank you, Jules.
I know that it's an STD.
Um, I just didn't know that anyone still got it except for 17th-century courtesans.
Why would anyone think they're so great for having syphilis? Well, because the girl he says he got it from - is Brooke Benaroche.
- Brooke Benaroche? Brooke Benaroche is the hottest girl in school.
She has a tattoo of Ganesh on her pelvis.
Ganesh is an elephant.
Kind of like Babar, but Hindu.
Thank you, Jules.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome, Ms.
And may I say you are wearing the hell out of those sweatpants.
Do you see that? That's why half of you have syphilis.
Mom, relax.
None of us have syphilis.
Yeah, I mean, Mason hasn't even frenched a girl, so y-you really got nothing to worry about.
- Ohh! - Ohh! Ohh! Oh, okay.
All right.
Yuk it up.
But, uh, homey's onto something here, because the only way to avoid a nasty STD like syphilis is by being abstinent.
- Like my killer here, Mason.
- Okay, oh, Mom, you're not helping.
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
All right, well, if you do smash, wrap it up, gents.
Wrap it up.
All right? And limit your number of sexual partners! Can't keep my hands to myself Think I'll dust 'em off, put 'em back up on the shelf In case my little baby girl is in need Am I coming out of left field? Ooh, ooh, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now I've been feelin' it since 1966, now Might be over now, but I feel it still Ooh, ooh, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now Let me kick it like it's 1986, now Might be over now, but I feel it still Might've had your fill, but I feel it still You, sir, are a dancer.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You're really good.
- [BOTH LAUGH] - Well, damn.
We did it.
You know, it's funny.
When we first started lessons, you know, I thought You had some kind of disability? Yeah, I know.
I thought the same thing.
No, I-I actually [BREATHES DEEPLY] I actually thought something different.
When we first started, you know, I thought I was just doing this to [SIGHS] I don't know prove something to myself, you know? But then after spending these past few weeks with you I realize that, uh I'm not doing this for me.
- No? - No.
I'm doing it for her.
For her.
I mean, what if I had done this before we got married? What if I had danced with her at our wedding? Maybe it would have changed the entire course of our marriage.
So, what, you think one dance with your ex-wife is gonna erase all of your problems? Well, you said I was a good dancer.
I said you were a dancer.
You said I was a great dancer.
- [LAUGHING] I said a dancer.
- Mm-hmm.
Why do we have to wear these matching hats? - They're anti-aging.
- I feel like we're in "The Handmaid's Tale.
" So, wait.
Martin has a girlfriend?! It would appear that way.
Same girl sneaking into the garage again.
Oh, my God.
How are you guys talking? - This is practically vertical.
- I'm gonna kill him.
It's okay.
I'm dating, too.
No, I'm talking about Arthur.
Martin has a girlfriend, - and that little [BLEEP] didn't tell me? - You know what I realized? Tomorrow was gonna be our 16-year anniversary.
He's already in a relationship! Okay.
Meanwhile, I'm gonna die here on these steps childless and alone.
Ugh! Maya! If you want to have children, why don't you stop whining about it and just have some? It's 2018.
There are ways, you know? - Artificial insemination.
- Adoption.
Amazon Prime.
Watch, you guys.
It will happen.
I don't know if I could have a kid all by myself.
I can't even make it up these steps.
Well, I think you'd be a kick-ass single mom.
You can practice on my kids if you want.
Now, that is a good idea.
You babysit her kids.
Martin is dating, so you're dating.
Screw it.
Maya, are you in? - I'm texting Wes.
- I'm in.
But promise me that you're gonna have sex and not just dinner.
I mean, it depends on what we have for dinner.
I mean, if it's like, something with Alfredo CAMILLE: No! No Alfredo! She needs a UTI by first light.
It's been a very long time since I've been with anyone other than Martin.
You know, though, as I recall, you haven't been with Martin in a long time, either.
That's what I'm saying.
I mean, what will I wear? What will we even talk about? Don't talk about your kids.
Oh, my God.
I'm not gonna talk about my kids.
He doesn't want to hear about kids.
He is a kid.
He's so young and cool and edgy.
Like The Fonz.
- Oh, my God.
The Fonz is like 100.
- Oh.
You okay? Who, me? I'm great! But if my battery dies, I'll definitely have to call an Uber, 'cause this is a long run.
[LAUGHS] A real long run! Hey.
Hop off that thing.
I-I want to show you something.
Something gross? What? No.
I-I [BREATHES DEEPLY] I got a gift for Lena, and I-I want to know what you think.
Come on.
Get off the hover board.
Come here.
This is a little weird.
And yet, I've never felt safer.
One, two, three, one, two, three - Did you learn to dance?! Okay.
- Get closer.
You did! You learned to dance! - Stop fighting me so much! - Okay, I'm sorry.
[HORN HONKS] Hey! We're dancing! - Dude, when did this happen? - A while ago.
And then seeing her the other night all dressed up, you know, getting excited to go out with some other dude, - it it just got me - Shook? - Shook.
Yeah, I got shook.
- Yeah.
Listen to me.
You promise me Promise me that you're not gonna say anything about this to Camille.
- What? Why? - Dude.
She doesn't let me keep secrets.
Those are the rules.
One dessert, no secrets.
If you tell Camille, she will tell Lena and and then ruin it.
She will ruin it.
Tomorrow would've been our 16-year wedding anniversary, and I have made a decision.
I want to fix things with Lena.
- - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Oh, hey, guys.
What's up, cherry-boy? Still living in Palmdale? [LAUGHTER] HAZEL: Don't listen to them, cherry-boy.
Those kids are jerks.
Hi, Hazel.
It's like, "God, math.
Why don't you just grow up and solve your own problems?" Am I right? Pick me up tonight in an Uber, and I'll french you.
- What?! - If it's an uberX, just frenching.
If it's a BLACK car, you might get to second.
And if it's an uberPOOL, deal's off.
W-what if it's during surge pricing?! MAE: What if your baby refuses the breast? I offer a bottle.
What if your baby doesn't want the bottle? Yeah.
What if your baby only wants a Snapple? - Call a pediatrician? - Or? Give the baby the Snapple? That's what I'd do.
[MASON SIGHS HEAVILY] What's the matter, Mace? You don't want to play "What if Your Baby"? MASON: Fine.
What if your baby was the only baby who had never hooked up with anyone, and all of your baby's friends always tease your baby and called your baby "cherry-boy"? So your baby made plans to make out with a girl named Hazel from math class in a sex Uber, and now your baby very much regrets it?! Whoa.
Your baby's awesome! Hey! My baby doesn't need to prove anything to anyone.
Yes, your baby does! Milo.
Go get a snack.
Sex Uber? - Mason, no.
- [SIGHS] First of all, we're a Lyft family.
I think I'm just gonna no-show.
Okay, uh, I know why you're saying that.
But listen.
You just gotta you gotta think about how that girl is gonna feel.
My driver, Amir, 4.
8 stars, is now arriving.
If you don't like this girl, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
But you can't stand her up.
Just let her down easy.
[SIGHS] Wow.
Great job, Aunt Maya.
See? Maybe I-I can do the kid thing on my own.
You just sent a 14-year-old out for a sexcapade on a school night.
And I'm not supposed to be drinking this.
- I'm taking it off.
- [CHUCKLES] Don't.
Did you wear it for me? No, I did not.
- It feels like you wore it for me.
- Nope.
I wear this beanie all the time.
- Did you borrow it from your son? - Stop it! [LAUGHS] Oh, so I guess we don't have to worry about finding a table, because there aren't any.
No need for a table.
You'll be done eating in 30 seconds - after he hands it to you.
- It's funny that you think I'm eating this.
Oh, you are absolutely eating this.
I know we're just kind of getting to know each other, - Uh-huh.
- but you should be made aware meat that comes from one of those slathered in sauce from one of those, served in one of these is never going inside of this.
Oh, first of all, that is not just meat.
That is Al pastor.
Okay, it's meat that has had his fingers in it.
Oh, you want those fingers in there.
I mean, those fingers are responsible for half the taste.
If I could lick each and every one of those fingers, I would.
- ¿Qué van a ordenar? - Dos Al pastor.
Y dedos extras, por favor.
That's "extra fingers" in Spanish.
LENA: Got it.
How do you say "gloves" in Spanish? Okay.
Don't be mad.
I'm so sorry.
I just I-I-I-I am not a "street meat" kind of girl.
Well, maybe you are a "street meat" kind of girl and you just don't know it yet.
[STRAINED] I don't think so.
All right.
Come on.
One tiny bite? [SIGHS] Don't be the girl who didn't try.
Hmm? - Oh, my God! - Exactly.
- Oh, my God! - [CHUCKLES] Are those his fingers that I'm tasting? All ten of them.
Told ya.
I bet when you left the house tonight, you never would have dreamed you'd be eating street meat and making out in a parking lot.
Yeah, well, we're not exactly making out.
Come on in.
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
You're in your underwear.
Thank you, uh, for coming on such short notice.
I can pay you.
[LAUGHS] That's not necessary.
What's going on? I'm nervous.
I'm, like, really, really nervous.
I've completely blanked on everything that we've worked on.
I mean, is it is it left foot forward? Is it left foot back? Okay.
So, you always lead, okay? Don't overthink it.
- You're way beyond the basic waltz.
- Mm, okay.
One, two, three, one, two, three MARTIN: Oh Your body will remember it, even if you don't.
Thank you, Charlotte, for the refresher.
I just want everything to be perfect tonight for Lena, you know? I'm sure it will be.
And, um, I-I don't think that you need lessons anymore, because you're really good.
So I'm gonna go.
Hey, hey.
You okay? No, I'm not.
When you texted me, I half-expected you to come to your senses and and talk to me about something other than your ex-wife.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I'm just Just gonna try to find a a robe.
I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
- No! I'm not.
- [STEAM HISSING] Well, you're hiding behind an iron and a place mat.
So I'm gonna go.
I should probably let you go.
[DOOR CLOSES] And I was a boy from school - Helplessly helping - Cool Uber, huh? - All the rules - Yeah.
Um Look, Hazel, I know you were probably expecting a really deep frenching tonight, but, TBH, I'm just not ready.
I was just tired of being the only kid at school who hadn't hooked up with someone.
You're not the only kid.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
And TB even more H, I get made fun of all the time for being "inexperienced.
" I'm not even sure what second base is.
[CHUCKLES] I think I know, but I-I was - I was gonna ask you to confirm.
- [CHUCKLES] Come on! I wasn't even born in this country, and I know.
It's the stuff with the boobs.
What are we doing? W-What do you mean? I don't know.
Even with the beanie, I just I see you with someone cooler.
I just I see you with someone like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
I don't like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
I like the Girl with the Pearl Earring.
Are you talking about the painting or? You.
I'm talking about you.
Me? Are you sure? - - [CHUCKLES] If I get syphilis tonight, it's totally worth it.
I don't have syphilis.
I just got chills when you said that.
That's, like that's, like, hypochondriac porn.
Say it again.
I don't have syphilis.
What about meat guy's fingers? - Totally sanitary.
- Mmm.
I am so turned on right now.
And if there was gonna be gastrointestinal upset, we'd have it.
And I feel fine.
[CHUCKLES] What am I gonna do with you? Hello, my old heart How have you been? Are you still there inside my chest? I've been so worried You've been so still Barely beating at all Ohh Don't leave me here alone Don't tell me that we've grown For having loved a little while Ohh I don't want to be alone I want to find a home And I want to share it with you MAE: What if your baby goes MIA and refuses to answer his phone? Kill yourself is the answer? Kill yourself?! Ohh! Look! There he is! There he is! Oh! There's my baby.
What's up, cherry-boy? Move out of Palmdale? Shut up, Mae.
Hey, Aunt Maya, I know I said I didn't really like that girl, but we actually had a great time.
I-I'm glad I went.
So thanks.
So, did I do great, or did I put his life in jeopardy? I-I can't even tell.
Oh! Maybe that's just what parenting is.
Okay, I'm just gonna call this one a "win" then.
You guys want to go stalk Rudy with me? -