Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e16 Episode Script


1 So, Lisa Apple had a baby? - With Dad? - Correct.
I'm sure this is a little surreal.
But once the shock wears off, you'll have this brand-new baby sister to enjoy.
How is he not in trouble? I would think he would be in serious trouble.
Why would he be in trouble? We were not together when this happened.
So, does that mean that he put his "P" in her "V"? - Milo! - It's okay.
It's okay.
I got this.
- Yep.
But keep in mind, - LENA: Martin.
that is something that I do pretty regularly to your mom.
You do it with their mom.
Any chance I get.
That's true.
No further questions.
No further pancakes.
Uh, gotta motor.
Gonna be late tonight.
College fair.
College fair? Seriously? Should I come? Up to you.
So you do want me there? No presh, I just have to plan my day.
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay - Everything's okay - [WATER RUNNING] I don't get it.
They didn't ask to meet her.
They didn't even ask her name.
How did I not know about Mae's college fair? Hey, um Lisa didn't say anything about me - being able to see Annie? - She'll get there.
She just needs more time.
Right now, Lisa's just really stressed out about the financial stuff.
And if she can't make it work, she's gonna have to move back to Idaho with her parents.
Yeah, well, I don't know how much longer I can sit on the bench.
I mean, I thought I could, but every day that passes, it's just gnawing at me.
You know, there's this little thing that I didn't even know that I had, I didn't even know that I wanted, and she just ripped it away.
I just wish I could see her.
Let me talk to her.
Let me try.
- I'll fix this.
I will.
- Mm, okay.
I-I feel bad about asking, but I didn't actually ask, you offered, so thank you.
That would be great.
Do I like being stuck in the middle? I don't.
Am I keenly aware that I put myself here? I am.
But is there a way for me now to remove myself from the equation? Doubt it.
Am I not s'posed to answer? Am I just supposed to sit here like [GASPS IN PAIN] Maya? Oh, my God.
Is this it? - Is it time? - [LAUGHING] Yeah That's what he wants you to think.
[LAUGHS] Because he's a con man! I've been to the hospital three times only to be told he ain't comin'.
Okay, you know eventually he is coming.
[CHUCKLES] If you say so.
Either way, I'm not going back, not till I have a foot hanging out.
You know babies are born head-first, right? - - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] And Mom said Lisa might have to move back to Idaho or Iowa or wherever she's from because she doesn't have enough money to live.
Listen to you.
You sound like the coastal elite.
- This is why they hate us.
- Okay, are you even listening? - We need to crowdfund Annie Apple.
- No thanks.
To me, babies are little bags of barf, with disgusting black belly buttons, and don't get me started on how irresponsible it is to bring one into this world.
I mean, polar bears are dying, and they're majestic.
I'm getting my tubes tied.
[GASPS] Aww, how's it going? Look at that big girl! Cherish every moment.
Before you know it, - she's gonna be - I need a favor.
I applied for this full-time teaching position before Annie was born, and I never heard back.
Well, they called, and they want to interview me today.
- Can you watch her? - Oh, my gosh, Lisa! A job interview? Are you ready for that? No choice, right? "Baby needs a new pair of shoes.
" You know, when baby starts walking.
Yeah, right.
Well, go get 'em! And of course I'll watch her.
- It'd be my pleasure.
- Thanks.
Oh, here are my house keys.
- Yeah.
- Hey, how would you feel about me watching the baby at my house? Your house? I know the kids would love to meet their half-sister.
And I'm sure Martin would love to see Annie.
- Okay.
He can see her.
- Yeah? Bye, baby.
Love you forever.
Hey, wait.
You're coming back, right? Oh, my God, of course! Obviously! I just - [VOICE BREAKING] I just cry all the time now.
- Oh, it's okay.
I remember.
I did that, too.
- [SIGHS] Okay.
- Good luck.
- [VOICE BREAKING] Thank you.
[SOBBING] - Okay.
Can you come home from work early? We got Annie.
[ANNIE COOING] The thing is, my hands have been so full of Apples lately that I haven't had much time for anything else.
[ANNIE COOING] And it's not like we're not gonna see each other.
- [ANNIE COOS] - 'Cause I am down with your dad.
I knew you'd understand.
- I'll be right back.
Oh, my God, she really did it.
Can I pick you up? Is that okay? Huh? I guess I'm just going to, so [SOFTLY] Oh, come here.
Hi, little mama.
You probably don't recognize me.
There was a lot going on that day, but I'm your dad.
- Yeah.
- [ANNIE COOS] Nice work, Dad.
I-I didn't wake her.
Um, she was up.
Is this is this okay? - Am I allowed to hold her? - Of course you can.
I mean, I knew she'd be cute, but I mean, this is like another level.
Look at her.
I mean, would you look at her? [LAUGHS] - Uh-huh.
- [ANNIE COOS] - You look great together.
- It feels great.
Hey, you think you can watch her for about an hour? W-what, you mean you mean, like, alone, unsupervised? Yeah.
Your older daughter is all grown up these days, but I want her to know her mom's still here for her.
Um, what if Lisa shows up? What, should I just, like, put Annie on the floor and hide in the closet? - Probably.
- Okay.
[LAUGHS] It sounds crazy, but I think you should talk to her.
It's time for you to take the reins, all right? I'm tapping out.
- So hat girl, huh? - [DOOR CLOSES] Yeah.
What else should I know about you? Nicki or Cardi? Fallon or Kimmel? And where are we on the Bobs? Dylan or Seger? - - [SMOOCHES] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Boo.
Mom! You actually came.
Of course I came.
I mean, you almost kind of sorta - said you wanted me to, so - [CHUCKLES] Yeah, what are your top-five choices? We'll go to those booths first.
My first choice is Barnard.
That's in Manhattan.
All the schools I want to apply to are in New York.
Yeah, definitely want to be on the East Coast but Barnard is my top pick.
They have an amazing writing program.
New York.
- Would you be supportive of that? - Supportive? Oh, my gosh, yes.
Super supportive.
Like, sports-bra level.
I just hope you like roaches.
- Roaches? - Yeah, cockroaches.
They're huge in Manhattan.
I don't want to deter you, but they can live for, like, a month without their heads.
It's just good to be informed.
- Mom.
- Whatever happened to UCLA? You used to, like, run around the house in that UCLA sweatshirt.
Yeah, when I was 8.
Early decision, I thought? UCLA is a fine school, but I truly believe Mae, the intellectual risk-taker, would flourish at Barnard.
She'd receive a high-quality liberal arts education right at the center of cosmopolitan New York City.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, the museums, the theater, the piano bars.
Don't even get me started on that skyline.
- Okay, Cuomo.
Thank you.
- [BOTH LAUGHS] - Peekaboo! [GASPS] Peekaboo! - [ANNIE LAUGHS] - Where did I go? Where did I go? - [ANNIE CRYING] Oh, I'm right here.
I'm right here.
I didn't go anywhere.
- [DOOR OPENS] - I love you.
I'm I'm never gonna leave you.
- [DOOR CLOSES] - [ANNIE CRYING] - Oh, my gosh.
Is this Annie? - This is Annie in the diaper.
My gosh, she's cute as a button, Dad.
Literal button.
I've seen cuter in the mirror.
- You wanna hold her? - Duh.
- Wash your hands.
- Okay.
Let's get right in the crook.
[SOFTLY] Hi, Annie.
I'm your big bro.
- I'ma look out for you - [MARTIN CHUCKLES] Gonna make sure you don't end up in the sticks or on the streets or, God forbid, on the pole.
- No shame in that work, but Okay.
- All right, gimme her, gimme her.
Uh Buddy, why don't you take a seat on the coach? It's your turn.
There we go.
Open up your arms.
[GASPS] - Oh - [ANNIE COOS] What's that, Annie? - [CHUCKLES] - What'd she say to you, bud? She wants to know what it's like in the garbage.
Okay, homework time.
Both of you guys.
Come on.
Out, out.
- Okay.
- That's okay, baby Apple.
One day, you're gonna kick both of their asses.
Yes, you will.
Come here.
Okay, let's go.
At Sarah Lawrence, our students get more one-on-one time with faculty than at any other college in the country.
Sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Mom, what's wrong with you? I think it's just a little bit of empty nest.
Which is peculiar, 'cause my dad keeps repopulating it.
- Can I talk to you in the hall? - Can I talk to you in the hall? - You can have one of these? Thank you.
- Of course.
Of course.
Mae! Is that why you want to run off and go to school in New York, because of your dad and Lisa and the whole Annie Apple thing? Believe it or not, New York has a lot more going for it other than just being the place where you guys don't live.
What about that crack about your dad? What about your cracks? Are you unraveling? I just want to make sure you're okay.
I'm okay.
Some might argue that I'm more than okay.
When did you get so grown up? It went by so fast.
This was fast for you? - For me, it felt like forever.
- I blinked and I missed it.
Maybe I just miss you.
You're still the cutest one.
You're the smallest and the cutest and everyone loves you best.
Hey, freaker.
Come here.
Now that I am officially obsessed with our baby sister, aka the Apple of my Eye, I've decided to make a pledge-fund page in order to kick-start her life.
- Sweet pea - Apple of my eye Don't know when and I don't know why You're the only reason - I keep on coming home - I cry almost every time I watch it, but it's raised zero dollars and has zero likes.
- Why is it not connecting? - Not sad enough.
I know them, and I felt nothing.
Really? Just sayin'.
I'm not handing over - my hard-earned pesos to some rando - [LAPTOP CLOSES] who looks like she's sponsored by The Honest Company and her basic bitch baby.
[BOB SEGER'S "STILL THE SAME" PLAYS] - MARTIN: Every time - [ANNIE LAUGHS] They were sure they had you caught You were quicker than they thought - You'd just turn your back and walk - [DOOR OPENS] You always said The cards would never do you wrong The trick, you said Was never play the game too long - A gambler's share - [ANNIE SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT] - The only risk that you would - [LISA CLEARS THROAT] Lisa! - BOB SEGER: The only loss you could forsake - Hi.
Uh hello, oh, uh - [MUSIC STOPS] - In case you were wondering, - she's a big Seger fan.
- [ANNIE FUSSING] I checked.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, shh, shh, shh.
It She doesn't hate me, I swear.
She just - This is her witching hour.
She's colicky.
- No, I know.
All three of my kids were colicky, too.
Bad genes, I guess.
- Huh.
- [CHUCKLES] But if she needs those big, giant glasses, that won't be my fault.
[LAUGHS] Right, that's my defining characteristic.
[ANNIE CRYING LOUDLY] - They're really big.
- Yeah, I know! Okay.
[SIGHS] Hey, you know, uh, when they're fussing, um, I used to always do the the football hold.
Did did Lena show you that one? - Eh, uh no.
- May I? - Come here.
Come on.
- [ANNIE COUGHS] [SOFTLY] Hey, listen to me.
- [ANNIE CRYING] - Okay.
- Here we go.
Shh, shh.
- [ANNIE STOPS CRYING AND STARTS COOING] - So, how'd the interview go? Lena told me, so I It went [VOICE BREAKING] Uh, it it went Oh, hey, hey, hey.
- No, Lisa, it's okay.
- [SOBS] It's okay.
It's a stupid job anyway, right? - You don't want that stupid old job.
- I got the job - Oh.
- and it's a great job.
[SNIFFLES] It's at this really progressive school.
The kids are terrific.
The benefits are great.
It's by this really cute little pond! - [SOBBING] - Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
That sounds - wonderful.
- I know.
It's full-time.
Which means I'd never get to see Annie, and 90% of my paycheck would go to childcare.
- So what's the point? - Lisa Why is she so happy with you? - [SIGHS] - Lisa, listen to me.
I-I am I am more than happy to help out, okay? In fact, it's my duty to do so.
Like, I could go to jail for not helping out, so really, you're doing me a favor.
You are keeping me out of jail.
[CHUCKLES] You think the reason I told you this was so that you'd give me money? - What? No, no, no.
- And you could feel good about yourself 'cause you found a way to play hero without leaving the comfort of your Craftsman-style living room? Hey! I did not know that's what kind of house this was, - and - I don't want your charity money! No thank you, Signor! - [DOOR OPENS, DOOR SLAMS SHUT] - Oh, God.
I really hate it when she calls me "Signor".
- [DOOR OPENS] - - I forgot my baby.
- Okay.
- I-I don't usually do that.
- Hey, no, no, that's okay.
So, you and Lisa didn't mend any fences? Ooh, I don't think she wants to mend fences.
- I think she wants to fence.
- Oh.
But on the bright side, Annie! Annie.
Oh, my gosh.
She was so amazing.
And I was so scared at first, but then it all came back to me.
I mean, she cried, of course, and then barfed, and at one point, she stuck her entire fist in my eye - [BOTH CHUCKLE] - but I, uh - I just loved every minute of it.
- Hmm.
- Mae wants to go to Barnard.
- Wow.
Our little girl in New York.
Can't believe it.
I think she'd like it there.
Yeah, she probably would.
Lisa did that, too.
Did what? Said happy words in a sad way.
[LENA GROANS] Get ready to be impressed.
- Okay.
Getting ready.
- Hold on.
All right.
I'm ready.
- [LAPTOP KEY CLICKS] - [SARAH MCLACHLAN'S "ANGEL" PLAYS] - In the arms - Oh, see, I love this song.
- Of the angel - I know.
Me too.
- Fly away from here - - From this dark, cold hotel room - That's not true.
And the endlessness that you fear - That you feel - "Homless"? - [LAPTOP SHUTS] - Wow.
So, it seems like your heart is in the right place kinda but this is a huge invasion of privacy, and this is full of lies.
You cannot post that.
Well, someone has to do something, okay, because if Lisa can't support herself, then she's gonna move away, and we're gonna miss everything.
First steps, first solids, first - "baby goes potty, like a big girl.
" - Okay.
Mace, go.
Go be a teenager.
Go do a meme.
Someone has to take action! [SIGHS] God.
I just just don't want my little girl to move away.
Agree! You're the one who said that she'd love New York.
Oh, I was I was talking about Annie.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
We're both obsessing over our daughters, it's just different daughters.
Annie's on her way in, Mae's on her way out.
My head is racing.
Sounds like Mae's being really responsible and independent.
Isn't that, like, the whole point of parenting? Not for me.
I don't think you remember what we were like at that age.
We couldn't wait to get the hell away from our parents.
This is totally normal.
We'll see how you feel if your kid's ever born.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR] - Um, Mom, do I have a Social Security number? Oh, my gosh, yes.
You have a great one.
I'll write it down for you.
Northwestern? I know Zach Braff went there, but it still has a lot going for it.
- Plus it's in Illinois.
- Illinois? - A whole three states closer.
- See? That's what I'm talking about.
Can you guys pick it up? I can't really see it, and I'm getting kind of bored [DOORBELL RINGS] Who rings the doorbell? I just got her to sleep! Annie likes me, Lisa, even though you don't.
And I don't need to be a part of your life, but I do need to be a part of hers.
And if you don't want my financial support, that's fine, okay? But let me help in other ways.
And you don't have to move to be near family, because Annie has family right here.
She has me and three half-siblings who are all obsessed with her.
Well, Mason is obsessed with her, the other two, eh, they don't really like her that much, but whatever, one out of three is not so bad, right? Look you can take my help and still hate me.
I promise you, I will not interpret it as forgiveness.
I'll think about it.
I'll take it.
Do not smile back, because that I might misinterpret.
Annie will benefit from that.
- We done? - We done.
- All right, this is the place.
- Okay! - Uh, we got a nice pull-out coach here.
- Soft stuff.
- Yeah.
Uh, dining area, and this is - Smooth.
the kitchenette.
The fridge is mini, but does good work.
Oh, she's little, but brisk.
Would I be able to pay the security deposit in installments through PayPal, perhaps? Uh, you could Venmo all the money to Lisa Apple, the beneficiary.
- Crypto okay? - No.
Grow up.
LENA: Hey, Mason.
- Who's this? - Uh, this is our new tenant, Dave! Uh, we met at Quiznos.
We both ordered the Spicy Monterey - and got to talking.
- I volunteer there.
And, um he needed a new work slash live space, so I breed ferrets.
And capybaras.
It's like a South American horse mouse.
- I know what they are.
- Okay.
No license.
I don't have a license for it.
I figured if we sublet the garage, we could have some extra cash for Annie.
- Nope.
Bye, Dave.
- Ooh Gotta go.
Back to Quiznos.
- Gmail me if anything changes.
- I won't.