Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e17 Episode Script

1 I don't wanna say that I'm killing my to-do list, but I'm basically the Hannibal Lecter of moms.
Guys? Hannibal Lecter? Your mom eats faces.
[SLURPS.]
I'm sorry, what? I have no work today.
No remodels, no house chores.
So, what do you say? We do a little curl-on-curl action? Or curl on curl on curl? I'm kinda in the middle of something.
I met this amazing Saami singer online, and w-we're doing a collab.
Can't you "collab" later? Well, it's like midnight in Sweden, so no.
Wow.
You guys are so busy.
Technically, you "got busy" first.
And then we retaliated by also getting busy.
Are these all the serving spoons we have? Yes.
But do you want to go get more? [GASPS.]
We could totally get more! - You want to go on a spoon run? - - I'm available! - Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay Sorry, this is the only way that I can get comfortable.
You poor thing.
Look how swollen.
You look like, um Who's that guy in "Star Wars"? - You know, he's, like, the guy Like - Mm-mm.
Um [SIGHS.]
Whatever.
You need water.
No! Don't move! Your weight is putting the exact right amount of pressure on the pillows.
We should buy something that's, like, - the same weight as her.
- On it, babe.
Um, I'll get your water.
You two talk.
So, Maya, I wanted to talk to you about I'm not getting induced.
- Okay, but the due date was - Don't you see? He's testing me.
Like all kids, he's just pushing the boundaries.
You know, he wants to see how far I'm willing to let this go.
All the way, baby.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's not my first game of chicken.
So, you think that the baby is actively trying to undermine you in not being born? I think this baby will come out when he's good and ready or not at all.
Maya, "not at all" isn't an option.
All right, get off her back, Lena.
All right? This is Maya's pregnancy, and she will deliver FJ unto us when she good and well sees fit.
- Here you go, dear.
- Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Maya, please, I'm begging you, induce! While I respect your medical degree from Know-It-All University, I have my own plan for bringing on labor.
Okay, but if he gets any bigger, I don't know how he's going to get out of there.
It's a puzzler, but the, uh, important thing is is that Maya knows that we all intend to honor and respect her birthing plan.
Yes, okay.
You know, when Mason was born, I insisted we play "Believe" by Cher on a loop.
We did it.
It was magical.
- Man, Cher's had some bops.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Maya, I got you a gift.
- Aww! To pass the time while you wait, - baby's first book.
- Oh, great.
- Oh, it's homework.
- No! What? I loved doing these for my kids! Here, I'll get you started.
"Baby's due any day.
Here's what Mommy has to say" Get out of my freakin' body, you little squatter.
Stop depleting my nutrients.
Reveal yourself to me.
Step outside my body! I'm gonna go.
Yeah.
Hey, so I spent some time with Annie the other day.
Let me see pics.
- Give me the pics.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Mm-hm.
Oh, wow.
She's got a lot of features.
- What does that mean? - Nothing.
It's just that you and Lisa Apple are so attractive, and s-s-she She looks like she's having a good time, and that's the most important thing, right? Right.
- Right.
- [SIGHS.]
So, what else? Lisa's been so, like, totally cool with Lena, and she won't even look me in the eye.
I mean, in truth, she's gone from actively hating to kind of tolerating me, so that's progress.
You just basically described the first three years of my relationship with Camille.
[CHUCKLES.]
MILO: I'm really excited about this one, gang.
With its sleek design and its rubber handle, the Meridian serving spoon is a scoop above the rest.
- Honey, what are you - Great, - that take's a bust.
- [CELLPHONE LOCKS, BEEPS.]
Sorry for messing up your What is this exactly? I review household items and post it on YouTube.
Well, I would like to hear your spoon review.
I'll upload the video tonight.
- You can watch it then.
- C'mon.
Don't you want to spend some time with your mom IRL? Nope! My videos get hundreds of comments and likes.
And you, my dear, have only one like to give.
Hm.
LENA: I don't know what's happening.
Mason and Mae both rejected Curls Night.
Not interested! And Milo is chasing likes on YouTube - like some thirsty cam girl.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You worry too much about the kids, okay? The results are in.
We got nerds.
They're fine.
I thought us getting back together - would strengthen us as a family - Why'd you think that? but it seems like we're more disconnected from each other than ever.
Okay, look, if it really worries you, why don't we get the kids off their devices and go do something as a family? Hot date? Ah, Mom and I are gonna go play a few rounds at Cap'n Furley's Putt-Putt.
- Without us? - You can't do that.
That's the place where family fun has begun.
- Yeah, that's our spot.
- Oh, well, we just figured that you guys were busy with your own projects.
- I mean, we are.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
- Okay.
I wonder if they still make that mozzarella stick tower With the dipping sauce bar You wanna I mean if you guys wanna dip, you could probably dip with us.
- I'd have to ask your dad.
- Oh, whatever.
I'm I'm cool.
I'm getting a corn dog either way, so MILO: Did we do that? - [SIGHS.]
It's a blackout.
Yep.
Wow.
- What? No! Okay, we are turnin' on a generator.
Now, all we gotta do is - flip the burner switch on the, um - [SWITCH CLICKS.]
on the access pad, and then there's an auto button here - that you have to recycle - You have no idea what you're doing.
- Hm? - Here, I laminated the instructions.
Mm.
Pretty damn sexy how prepared you are.
Martin, our whole family night has gone to hell.
The entire East Side is blacked out.
Cap'n Furley's is probably overrun by looters.
Hm.
Maybe we should hold off.
Hold off on electricity? Crisis brings people together, right? So maybe the best way for our family to bond is by embracing the blackout.
It would keep the kids off Wi-Fi.
Yeah, and with nothing to do, they're gonna have no choice but to spend time with their dumb parents.
- Mm, now you're being sexy.
- Mm-hmm.
- [LAUGHS EVILLY.]
Sorry.
- Okay, that's scary.
My phone works, but there's no service.
What even is 1X? Why offer it if it doesn't do anything? [SIGHS.]
Bad news, kids.
The generator crapped out.
- No way! - Yeah.
I guess we got a lemon.
What are we gonna do for the rest of the night? It's 6:00 p.
m.
Do we just go to sleep? Like farmers? Maybe we have a fun analog night at home.
Maybe play a board game.
A board game?! What are you talking about?! What even is that?! Well, if we're gonna play a board game, we gotta go get some more candles and camping lanterns from the garage.
Quick thinking during a crisis, Mase.
- I like it.
- Fine, but no Monopoly.
I won't glamorize capitalism.
Also, I want crispy caramel puppy chow.
Deal.
Help me make it? Mm, all right, come on.
Let's go, guys.
Hey, Milo, get the board game.
- We'll meet back here in 10.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Emergency! I was going from "day to night" and I got stopped halfway.
I'm, like, stuck in the late afternoon! Just nobody look at me.
Nobody look at her! It's not good.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Well, wish we could help you, but as you can see, power's out here, too.
- Yeah.
- What about the generator? Uh - It's, uh it's out of order, so - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
This is all my breast milk.
All of it.
If it thaws, it's garbage.
Hi.
I thought you guys had a generator.
How does everyone know about the generator? Lena talks about it a lot.
Like, a lot a lot.
She brags about it.
It's like when a rapper says his own name in every song.
Martin, why don't you go try and get the generator working one more time? Copy that.
No, I'm gonna restrict the access pad and then do a double wire on the - Just go.
- burn Okay.
- Now we're home.
- It's like getting out of prison.
Oh, yeah, you said it.
[RINGING.]
- MAYA: Hello? - Hey! Just calling to check on you.
Any movement over there? This kid is pulling out all the stops.
Our electricity is out.
Maya, everyone's power is out.
The whole East Side.
Oh, man.
He is good.
Well, we have our generator going.
You're welcome to come over here to civilization if you care to.
Oh, I see.
'Cause you're so civilized with your generator and your fully-born children who now live outside your body, and I'm just a pregnant barbarian over here in the Dark Ages? Okay, Maya, you sound totally sane, so do whatever you want.
Uh, stay at home with no power and your past-due baby.
I mean, we have a full house here anyway.
What do you mean a-a full house? Who's there? Arthur, Camille, Lisa Apple, and the baby.
Oh, my God.
I'm the last one to be invited?! Frank, get all my pillows in the car! Okay.
Dude, this stuff is like plutonium.
You spill even a drop and the women are gonna wig out.
Why do babies like breast milk so much? It's not even that good.
Arthur, no.
Hey, did you catch how Lisa directs everything she says to Lena? She's negging you, bro.
She's been actively avoiding being in the same place as me.
I mean, it takes a it takes a blackout - to get her - Hey, have you guys seen Lisa Apple? No.
[INSECTS CHIRPING.]
She's sitting in her car? What is wrong with her? Maybe she doesn't want to be here.
But she came here.
Well, maybe she wants Annie to be here but she herself prefers to be outside.
- In her car.
- [SIGHS.]
So dramatic.
LENA: [SIGHS.]
Just go talk to her.
Okay, gang.
Electricity or not, I just I want us to do something fun together, as a group.
Ooh, "Vanderpump" binge.
I was thinking more like Scattergories.
Well, whatever we do, we're gonna have to do it around me, because I ain't moving.
Okay, I can't stand it.
I gotta say something.
- Here.
- Okay.
[SMOOCHES.]
Hi, baby.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- Oh! I know.
Maya, do you have that book I gave you? - It's baby's first blackout! - Oh, my God.
Can you not with the book right now? - Hey, hey.
Easy, girl.
- [GROANS.]
I just need some air.
And unlike Lisa Apple, this is not a ploy to make anyone chase after me.
So you all just stay seated.
- Frank.
- Right, okay.
All right.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Shh-shh.
[ELECTRICITY POWERS DOWN.]
[SCREAMS.]
What is wrong with you?! If this was a horror movie, - this is precisely when you would hear the - [DOOR RATTLES, CREAKS OPEN.]
What was that? - Is someone out there? - What if it's a home invasion? The power's been out for four hours.
It could be "The Purge" out there! [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
- Genny's dead.
- [ALL SIGH.]
Who the [BLEEP.]
is Jenny, and what did you do to her?! I came by to see if everyone was all right and I noticed the generator's not running.
Seriously? It's supposed to last for 48 hours.
That would be my fault, I think.
Uh I was trying to get some extra Tesla juice so we could hit up Malibu for din dins later.
What? - The Nobu out there is objectively better.
- Yeah.
Mm.
Seriously? You're embarrassing, dude.
[WINDOW WHIRS.]
You're embarrassing, dude! You have a child now, okay? Time to stop acting like one.
How dare you! I have been doing everything, and I've been doing it alone That's because you insist on it, Lisa.
I have offered you help, I have offered you money, but you refuse.
I mean, who are you punishing here, huh? Me or you? Or Annie? What are you even doing out here? You wanted to spend time with your daughter.
Well, your daughter's inside.
Go hang out with her.
I hereby invite you to have a relationship with Annie and just leave me alone.
Well, if you want to be left alone, why are you sitting out here pouting like a little girl? You know, Lena and I were fully divorced and dating other people and she never acted this petty.
- Oh my God.
- [DOOR ALARM BEEPING.]
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
- Look, believe me, I know I'm not Lena.
I am so sorry about that.
Look, I I wanted to prove to everyone that I could raise Annie on my own, but I can't.
I hate to admit it, but I can't.
- I need help.
- You've got it.
Okay, l-l-let's let's figure out a monthly child-support payment, something that you can count on.
Look, I know, uh I know I was a crappy boyfriend, but I swear to God to you, Lisa, I am a really good dad.
What's up, Dad? Nothing.
No, not nothing.
You're watching me with that look.
No, it's just that, uh Well, I see you keep trying to push those two together.
"Those two" are Annie's parents.
So they have a baby together, whether we like it or not.
Not.
I'll tell you something else.
If I were trying to reconcile with my ex - Dad.
I know you mean well, - I but don't waste your breath.
Sincerely.
I don't accept the narrative that women who have both been involved with the same man have to be bitter enemies or that we have to be threatened by each other.
I'm not threatened.
- I like Lisa.
- Well, that's good.
[QUIETLY.]
Because she's probably gonna end up with your husband.
So what if I'm not the mom with the generator or the fully-curated baby book or who's found a haircut that "works"? You know, I think maybe we want to head back.
I've seen an alarming amount of skunks out tonight.
Maybe I'm the reason this baby's not coming.
Because deep down inside, I know I'll never measure up to - [GASPS, GROANS.]
- Ooh.
Oh, what's wrong? - It's happening.
I'm in labor! - Oh okay.
This little jerk is really gonna go through with it.
- Okay, let's be cool, all right? - Okay.
- Cool as a cucumber, darling, all right? - Okay.
Now, I'm gonna go back and grab the car, - okay? Okay? Ow, ow, ow, ow.
- No, no, no, no, no! I don't think you can go anywhere.
I [GASPS.]
- I think this is happening here.
[GASPS.]
- What? - I think this is happening now.
- No, no, no, let's slow down.
- Let's let's slow this whole thing down, okay? - How how do I do that? Um Um Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say - [LIQUID SPLASHES, MAYA GASPS.]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- Frank, I think I need to push.
- Okay, I'm gonna - I'm gonna take a look, okay? - [GROANING.]
[GROANING.]
- Oh, my God, that's a head! Oh.
- [GROANING.]
- That's a grown man's head.
- [GROANING LOUDLY.]
And the locking mechanism is a cool way to be able to control your length and your pooch! Thanks, you guys.
- Be sure to comment and subscribe.
- [LAUGHS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right.
Next up, we have [DOOR CLOSES.]
a performer who got tired of sitting alone in her car.
Please give a warm indoor welcome to Lisa Apple.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- LISA: Oh, I No, I don't have a talent, so You can sing.
I've heard you.
- Okay.
This is happening.
- [COAT THUDS.]
Oh, thanks.
So, um here's a song I sing to Annie sometimes.
- And, uh - [UKULELE STRUMS.]
she seems to like it.
Hopefully you will, too.
I used to think about a life One that I would live with you I used to think about the moments And all the things that we would do But now I've grown a little more And I can tell what's real and fake Oh, you've changed quite a lot I can see why we needed to break 'Cause I I don't love you anymore I'm sorry I'm not that sorry 'Cause you You kind of treated me like dirt I hope you're sorry Better be sorry-y-y-y - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- [HENRY SIGHS.]
[WHISPERS.]
Shut up, Dad.
Please shut up.
- Oh, my God.
He's beautiful.
- Mm.
- [FRANK LAUGHS.]
- [BABY COOS.]
- [MAYA LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
Oh, oh, hello, FJ.
Girl, you gave birth to that baby like a dang cavewoman.
You don't need a generator, you are a generator.
Mm.
- [SMOOCHES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- LENA: He's perfect.
- [POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
MAYA: Ooh.
I don't know how you did this, but I am in awe - You did good, honey.
- [MAYA GROANS WEAKLY.]
He's really like the best thing that ever happened to me.
In the worst way imaginable.
Here we go.
Uh huh.
Oh, I'm like the homecoming queen.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um that baby's huge, right? - Yes.
Yeah.
- LENA: Yes.
- That's my boy.
- [GUYS LAUGHS.]
Okay, I'll see you at the hospital.
These people do not know how to make a cute baby.
Did you see that thing? It's all head! - [INDISTINCT, CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah, I am.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, so, we will, um - see you at the hospital.
- After we go to din din.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Night.
- Good night.
- [WHISPERS.]
Damn it, Dad.
- Night, Lena.
I love you, baby.
[SMOOCHES.]
Well, I guess we got our family night.
Yeah, I'd like to see Cap'n Furley and his cheese sticks compete with a lady straight-up giving birth on the street.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
And I'm glad that you and Lisa came to some sort of understanding? We did, yeah.
And speaking of understanding have I told you how amazing you are? Now, normally I would say, - "No, no, I'm not, you are," but - Mm-hmm.
it's been a lot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
But we're gonna make it through.
Yeah, we sure are.
-