Sports Night (1998) s01e05 Episode Script

Mary Pat Shelby

Isaac: That's great news, Bill.
We'll treat him very well.
I say, we'll treat|your client very well, Bill.
T ake care.
Heh heh heh heh! -- We got him?|-- How much do you love me? -- We got him?|-- I'm asking you right now|at this very moment -- -- how much do you love me?|-- lsaac? Wegothim.
-- We got him?!|-- We got him! -- We got him?!|-- We got him! -- [ Gasps ]|-- We got him! Christian Patrick|right here in our studio.
It's not remote? In our studio|tomorrow night at 1 1 :00! I am so hot for you|right now.
-- You know who ESPN's got?|-- No.
I don't either, but|it's not Christian Patrick.
We gotta promote|the hell out of this, lsaac.
I know.
-- I mean, you gotta get on the|phone with Promotions right now.
|-- I will.
Get them out of bed!|It's moving day.
-- It's a big day.
|-- I mean, this is a coup,|Isaac.
We need it promoted! What, do I look like I just|sailed in from Minskapinsk? No, you don't, but you've gotta|stop using Yiddish expressions.
They work for me! [ Chuckling ]|Not as much as you think.
-- I'm thinking seriously|about doing it.
|-- I wouldn't.
I'm thinking seriously|about it.
-- What do you think?|-- I wouldn't.
-- Guys?|-- No.
It's not a good idea.
I wouldn't do it.
I want this now.
|This is important to me.
I'm an adult,|and I wanna grow a goatee.
-- Danny.
|-- Dana.
-- How much do you love me?|-- I wanna grow a goatee.
Very, very bad idea.
|How much do you love me? I think|it would look good.
I think you'd look like|Colonel Sanders.
How much do you love me? A little less|than I did before|the "Colonel Sanders" thing.
We got Christian Patrick.
-- Seriously?|-- Tomorrow night.
Remote from the locker room? In the studio,|my clean-shaven friend.
In the studio -- 5 minutes.
Oh, we gotta promote|the hell out of this.
Ah, do I look like I just|sailed in from Minskapinsk? I really couldn't say,|but I still think we should|promote this interview.
-- Yes!|-- Good job.
[ Gasps ] Natalie! Yes, ma'am.
How much do you love me,|right now, this very second? -- What did I do?|-- Nothing.
I'm asking how much|this very second -- You know what?|Never mind.
Tomorrow night you are going to go out|to the Meadowlands and do|a pre-interview.
-- Since when do we do|pre-interviews?|-- Since we booked|Chris Patrick.
-- You're kidding.
|-- No.
Seriously? Tomorrow night,|we are gonna win our time slot|in 14 major markets for the first time|since we went on the air.
Does this strike you|as something I'm inclined|to joke about? -- No.
|-- See? But you're not generally|inclined to joke about much|of anything at all.
But if I were,|this wouldn't be it.
-- Right.
|-- Now, what does that mean? -- What does what mean?|-- Are you saying I don't have|a sense of humor? -- Dana, I --|-- Never mind.
You'll interview him|right after the game tomorrow,|then hustle on back.
I need you here|90 minutes before showtime.
-- You sure|you don't want Jeremy?|-- I want you.
-- Jeremy knows the NFL.
|-- So do you.
-- Not like Jeremy.
|-- You'll do fine.
Show me a list of the questions,|and don't play softball.
This man is a convicted felon, and he's talking to us|and nobody else, -- so let's make it count,|you got it?|-- Yeah.
This show's lived in third place|long enough, Natalie.
It's moving day! -- Dana, you are wired.
|-- Yes, I am! PlusI have a terrific|sense of humor.
I know lots and lots of jokes.
People say that about you.
"SportsCenter" "Fox Sports News" and here comes|"Sports Night," Ied by Dana Whitaker|in the number-3 car.
I'm talking to myself,|and that can't be a good sign.
A lot of great and distinguished|men have worn goatees.
I'll give you $100 if you don't|start naming them for me.
-- King Tut.
|-- Thank you.
-- Sigmund Freud.
|-- Dan, Casey.
Galileo is another.
Uh, I've just been on|a conference call with Patrick's agent|and his lawyer.
Ah, and here come|the guidelines.
Casey will ask a question|with a follow-up, then Dan, and so on.
Mary Pat Shelby? Off limits.
How off limits? Completely off limits.
-- Totally off limits?|-- Entirely off limits.
No questions|about Mary Pat Shelby.
Really? We're just gonna talk|about football.
How 'bout something|like this -- Chris, what were you thinking when you punched your girlfriend|in the face and threw her down|that flight of stairs? I'm sorry, I meant, "How the heck did you catch|that pass against the Raiders?" No, that would be|a bad thing to do.
And you make this agreement|two hours before the show? It was the only time! You are getting played|like a fiddle, and I'm serious.
I am not getting played.
|I got beat.
-- Damn right you got beat.
|-- I know.
I got beat.
You promote the thing|nonstop, all day, all night, then they get you to agree|to this nonsense at the eleventh hour,|when there's no chance|you'll pull it.
You got beat like a drum.
Something was better than|nothing, and we needed this.
Yeah, and Patrick's people|need to show -- their guy can still sell|sneakers and soda.
|-- [ Cup rattles ] And when the whole thing's|over we hop in the shower,|and they leave the money|on the night table.
Plus, we get to show|Mary Pat Shelby that unless she can catch|80 passes in a season, the world couldn't honestly|give a damn about her concussion|and broken jaw.
I don't think I need|a civics lesson from you, Casey.
Well, I think you need one|from somebody, Dana, 'cause you're doing|a big thing badly.
I'm aware of the|moral questions posed by this, but I'm also aware of the fact that this is a third-place show|that doesn't deserve to be.
But I can't educate viewers|to that fact unless they're watching us|in the first place.
So your pedantic scolding|aside, I'll do anything, short of a "wet T-shirt" contest|to get us there, and these days, the "wet T-shirt" contest|isn't looking so bad to me.
-- You see what I'm saying?|-- I wasn't really listening.
I was handicapping the odds|of something falling on your|head when you were talking.
These are the guidelines.
-- Hey, you wanna|get involved with this?|-- I so don't.
Thank you.
-- Didn't you used to care|about these things?|-- Yes.
-- And it wasn't that long ago|that you did.
|-- No.
-- I mean,|it was, like, yesterday.
|-- Right.
Now, when I say "yesterday,"|I'm not speaking metaphorically.
I mean it was yesterday.
What happened|to your values? I find that maintaining them|is a lot of work.
I take a day off|every now and then.
-- You take a vacation|from doing the right thing?|-- Yeah.
I don't loot storefronts|or anything, but once in a while, when l|consider the effort it takes to diligently adhere|to a moral compass, I take myself out of the lineup|and I rest for the next game.
I swear, you could run|for Congress and win.
-- Not with a goatee.
|-- Yeah, that's true.
[ Telephone ringing ] -- Hey.
|-- Oh, hey.
-- How did it go?|-- I didn't know|anyone was using the room.
I'm pretty much done.
I was just gonna put|the voiceover on the N.
-- You wanna see it?|-- No, let's do it later, okay? I need to get the pre-interview|notes together for Dana.
-- What happened to your wrist?|-- What? -- What happened to your wrist?|-- Oh, God, yeah.
-- It got jammed in a thing.
|-- Is it all right? Yeah, I got it jammed in|the door by accident in the van.
-- It was my own -- I closed it,|and I wasn't thinking --|-- It looks pretty sore.
It's fine.
I once got an lndian burn|that looked like that.
My sister Louise|tied me to a tree.
[ Laughs ] Why did your sister|Louise tie you to a tree? That's a perfectly fair|question, but I honestly|couldn't tell you.
I'm gonna find another room.
-- I should call and ask her.
|-- Yeah! All right, first of all a priest, a minister,|and a rabbi walk into a bar.
-- What are you doing?|-- I'm telling a joke.
A priest, a minister,|and a rabbi walk into a bar -- Don't do it.
-- Why?|-- lt'll end badly for you.
-- I can tell a joke.
|-- No, you can't.
-- You've seen me tell jokes.
|-- You telegraph your jokes.
I don't telegraph my jokes.
You do it with|a satanic grin.
Ooh, Satan's another one.
-- Another what?|-- Goatee.
|-- That's right.
-- You see?|-- Plus, he can tell a joke.
Who thinks Danny|should grow a goatee? -- No.
|-- No, I don't like it.
|Not one bit.
|-- No.
There it is.
|20 through 30 -- do we have the film on|the Rangers and the Red Wings? Toulouse-Lautrec.
Are you just gonna keep naming|people with goatees? -- As they come to me.
|-- It actually presents|a lighting problem.
A lighting problem? People, we need to focus|for a minute.
Yes, the goatee.
-- A lighting problem?|-- It would be a bit|of a lighting problem.
-- Folks --|-- I have a hard time believing that my growing a goatee is|gonna cause any kind of lighting|problem, guys, all right? Hey, these guys still haven't|figured out how to light|your nose.
Can I get a flag|on that play, please? Excuse me, Dana.
I'm sorry, but I have to get|some people on the phones.
-- What's going on?|-- I'm not sure yet.
But there's a story|coming out of the Meadowlands.
A maintenance worker,|a custodian, or somebody witnessed|Christian Patrick in an otherwise empty|locker room exposing himself to a woman.
What does the woman say? We don't know|who the woman is, but if she was in there,|it's likely she's press.
He exposed himself? The thing ishe may have done|more than that.
The witness says he saw Patrick|grab the woman's arm and there was some kind|of struggle.
-- Her arm?|-- Yes.
-- Wait.
He grabbed her arm?|-- Well, we're getting a lot -- Could it have been|her wrist? -- Yes, but --|-- Son of a bitch.
What's with him? It was Natalie.
[ Door closes ] Ohh.
[ Door opens ] Um[Clears throat]|everybody else work the phones.
I'm fine.
-- Is it just your wrist?|-- I'm fine.
Did he hurt you|anyplace else? He didn't hurt me.
-- Natalie.
|-- Dana.
|-- Put this on.
Keep it on top like this.
|Don't put it underneath.
It's not swollen.
It will be.
Put the ice on, Natalie.
Natalie he's gonna be here soon.
We'll have a car come,|pick you up, take you home.
Why do I need to go home? It's gonna be uncomfortable|for you when he gets here.
Am I being fired? Don't be ridiculous.
|He's saying -- Then I'd like to stay.
I'm the senior|associate producer here.
I've got a show|in 38 minutes.
I'd like to be allowed|to do my job.
[ Sighs ]|Of course you can stay.
Why don't we all|get back to work? [ Door opens ] Marsha, get me someone|from Legal, and you'd better call J.
|at the network.
Isaac, Christian Patrick's|in the lobby with Bill Evans|and David Burke.
Put Patrick in the greenroom|and have Evans and Burke|sent to my office.
Natalie's in the edit bay.
|Bring Patrick around the back.
This is a whole new ballgame.
-- It is?|-- Yeah.
-- It's a whole new ballgame?|-- Casey -- Because we only agreed|not to discuss Mary Pat Shelby, but we never agreed|not to discuss any further acts|of violence.
Is that why|it's a whole new ballgame? Listen! You pompous jackass! I am closer to Natalie|than anybody in this world,|and I'm also a woman, so don't imply|that I'm somehow insensitive|to what's happened here.
Butthere happens to be an exclusive story|sitting in the greenroom that's gonna be wildfire whether|we light the match or not.
It happened.
It's news.
I can't decide not to pursue it|just 'cause it happened to us! Not only that,|I think Natalie deserves|to have her story told.
Don't use the last part.
What? You had me till the last part.
-- What do you --|-- Of course it's a legitimate|news story, and it would be embarrassing|if we weren't the ones|to break it.
But Natalie didn't seem|at all to me anxious|to have her story told.
And speaking as a friend,|I think it's wrong of you|to use that.
I am not rationalizing, Danny.
|I am saying what I believe.
That's fine, but in a minute,|you're gonna have to float|an argument by Isaac, and I'm just saying|you had me till the last part.
[ Telephones ringing ] You're right.
Natalie doesn't want|the story to get out anyway.
You know what?|It's a whole new ballgame.
[ Sighs ] I thought you were taking a|break from moral accountability.
-- I threw in one for nothing.
|-- Hmm.
Man: We're not gonna let|Chris Patrick walk into|an impromptu interrogation.
If it's not tonight,|then it's tomorrow morning.
We don't know what happened.
|We don't know if anything -- We know Natalie|has a mark on her wrist|the size of a charm bracelet, and we know we have a live|interview with your client.
-- [ Sighs ]|-- Well, talk to us.
Despite a mountain|of fairly immutable evidence, I'm prepared to believe that what happened to Natalie|didn't happen to Natalie, and I'm confident I can persuade Natalie|to see it the same way.
What's the catch? Mary Pat Shelby.
What do we get?|What do you get? Natalie will deny reports that she was sexually assaulted|in an empty locker room, and I'm including|league security as well|as press inquiries.
In exchange, I get|a 5-minute interview|with Patrick, in which Mary Pat Shelby|is fair game.
You do what I'm telling you,|and your client stays off|"America's Most Wanted.
" -- And you get your ratings.
|-- Yes, I do.
We'll talk to Chris.
Do it now.
[ Door opens ] What was that about? It's not important.
I can't be shielded|like this, Jeremy.
I need to know|what's going on around here.
Dana cut a deal|with Chris Patrick's people.
There aren't gonna be any|questions about what happened.
And we get Mary Pat Shelby? -- Yeah.
|-- Dana knows what she's doing.
-- Yeah, she does.
|-- Listen -- -- Are you happy with that?|-- Yes.
-- Natalie|forget about the show.
|-- She did the smart thing.
-- Look|-- She thinks|it's what you want.
You can go to her right now,|Natalie.
It wouldn't be|as bad as you think.
Yes, it would.
-- Natalie --|-- Yes, it would! Private conversations|in the corridor, secret meetings|in lsaac's office, "We'll have a car|take you home"? I'm already out of the loop.
-- It's just tonight.
|-- No, it's not.
This is a soundproof room, and I can still hear|the phones ringing out there.
They're on the scent, and they're all calling|to talk to me.
I have a journalism degree|from Northwestern.
I started out|as a summer intern.
I worked my way up|to senior associate.
Tomorrow, I'd be|a cocktail-party joke.
So it'd actually be|every bit as bad as I think.
If you don't mind,|I really have this work to do.
Isn't there anything|I can do for you? No.
[ Sighs ] Hey, I'm looking for|the men's room.
Down the hall to your right.
|Chris Patrick.
Get your hand|out of my face.
Did I say something funny? [ Sighing ]|I'm 6'4," 230 pounds bench-press 3 bills,|run a 4.
4 40.
[ lnhales sharply ] What, do you want to dance|with me, Junior? You touch her again,|I'm gonna have you killed.
Do you understand|what I'm saying? I'm gonna pay someone $50|to have you killed.
Well, let me tell you|somethingSkippy.
By the look in her eyes|when she got a load of me seemed pretty impressed.
[ lndistinct conversation ] [ Door opens ] Hey.
What are you doin'? There's just, uh Nothing.
The network says|intend-to-view tracking|puts us in 4.
2 million homes.
It's a landslide.
Well, you're about to take us|into the big-time, Dana.
You deserve credit for that.
I sent her there on purpose.
I sent her there|instead of Jeremy 'cause I knew how Patrick felt|about women in a locker room, and I thought I could|provoke a more a better response|to the questions.
I sent her there on purpose.
I know.
Does she?|Does Natalie know? Of course she knows.
She learned from you.
It was the right thing to do.
Does she know|that I sold her? Dana, Natalie wouldn't complain|if her hair were on fire.
[ Chuckles softly ] She wants what's best|for the show.
And she knows that I know.
What's that? That you tend to do|the right thing.
[ Voice breaking ] Oh.
[ Sighs ] Hey.
How's your wrist? It's fine.
My wrist is fine.
|My wrist is fine.
I know it's hard to think of|things to say to me right now, but if people would stop|asking about my wrist,|I'd really appreciate it.
My wrist is fine.
[ Sighs ] Yeah? -- What were you gonna say?|-- Nothin'.
You came in here|to say something.
I came in to ask you|about your wrist.
-- No, you didn't.
|-- It's what everybody's doing.
-- You're not everybody.
|-- I can work on that.
[ Sighing ] You came in to say|I shouldn't keep quiet.
Actually, you caught me|on my day off.
You're not gonna tell me|to be strong? It hasn't been my experience|that you need to be told that.
We all remember|a Boston Globe reporter|who was strong, Danny.
There isn't|a female sports journalist that didn't learn|their lesson from it.
I would imagine.
She had death threats.
The FBl had to open her mail.
Every loser|who knew how to dial a phone is calling talk radio,|saying, "She was a bitch who shouldn't have been where|she was in the first place.
" And when it was all said|and done, she had to pack up her life|and move to the other side|of the planet.
Nat, I have|absolutely no problem with you going along with Dana|and taking a pass.
The only reason|I came in here was to tell you this -- no matter what you decide|you've got friends.
And this is what friends|gear up for.
[ Door closes ] This is insane.
Oh! Jesus! I'm so sorry! I'm so -- I'll --|I'll help you later.
[ Panting ] -- Kim!|-- Yeah, right here.
UmI need you to cut|a new intro.
Blow off 30 and, um,|give it to me in 2 minutes.
-- [ Telephones ringing ]|-- I need all hands now! -- UhElliott!|-- What do you need? I need graphics|in the control room.
UhJeremy! I need you to create 5 minutes.
|Can you do that? -- Are we?|-- Yes.
-- Absolutely.
|-- Thank you.
Um [ lndistinct conversations ] [ Panting ] -- lsaac.
|-- Yeah? [ Clears throat ]|We did a big thing badly.
I know.
Can I try and fix it? Go.
Excuse me, everybody! Can I have your attention,|please? [ Sighs deeply ] This interview's off.
-- Yes!|-- What?|-- Why? I want to thank you|for coming down, but we're gonna do a show now,|and I need you to clear|the studio.
Let's go.
Move it.
-- You can't do this, lsaac.
|-- It's done.
You're all gonna be the|laughingstock of broadcast news.
We're pretty much|used to that by now.
Dave:|Three minutes to air.
Folks, I'm pretty sure|I heard my boss ask you all|to leave the building.
This is a third-place show|on a fourth-rate network.
Yeah, but that's all gonna|change once I grow a goatee.
He's just crazy enough|to do it, too.
Get your things.
[ lndistinct conversations ] We've got two minutes! Have a good show.
How you doin'? Jeez.
[ Chuckling ] Yeah.
A lot of fuss|about nothin', huh? I'll say.
I mean maybe I came on to you|a little.
No big deal, right? Do you remember|how much you wanted to play professional football|when you were a kid? Yeah.
That's how much I wanted to be|a sports reporter.
I was just there doing my job.
But tomorrow the sky's gonna|fall down on both of us, 'cause as soon as my show|comes down at midnight, I'm going over|to the 23rd precinct, and I'm swearing out a warrant|for your arrest.
Right now, this second|how much do you love me? [ Sighs ] I'm sorry.
Dan: Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories, plus -- I am so sorry.
|-- It's okay.
controversies|in the PAC-1 0 and the SEC.
What can I do? Casey: Goalies get into|the action in the NHL Tell me a joke, Dana.
there's no place|like home.
Dan: All that coming up|after this.
You're watching "Sports Night"|on CSC, so don't go away.
[ Rock music plays ]