Sports Night (1998) s01e06 Episode Script

The Head Coach, Dinner and the Morning Mail

Previously on "Sports Night" Tomorrow night,|you are going to go out to the Meadowlands|and do a pre-interview.
Since when do we do|pre-interviews? Since we|booked Chris Patrick.
Somebody witnessed|Christian Patrick in an otherwise empty|locker room exposing|himself to a woman.
-- What happened to your wrist?|-- What? Natalie will deny reports|that she was sexually assaulted|in an empty locker room, and I'm including|league security as well|as press inquiries.
Private conversations|in the corridor, secret meetings|in lsaac's office, "We'll have a car|take you home"? I'm already|out of the loop.
You touch her again,|I'm gonna have you killed.
But tomorrow, the sky's gonna|fall down on both of us.
I'm going over to|the 23rd precinct, and I'm swearing out|a warrant for your arrest.
[ Up-tempo instrumental music|plays ] Man: We're back on Dan|in 54 Next up, Steve Denton|looks for a new gig, the Hawks defend a streak, and we answer|the question, "How much wood could|a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck|could chuck wood?" You're watching|"Sports Night" on CSC, so come on back.
-- 2 1/2 minutes back.
|-- We're out.
-- [ Puffing ]|-- Okay.
I don't think there's|any way I could be colder.
-- What if you were wet?|-- I'd be very cold.
But as cold as I'd be|under that circumstance, I still don't think there'd be|any discernable difference between how cold I'd be then|and how cold I am now.
That's how cold I am now.
-- Soyou're cold.
|-- I'm pretty cold.
We're taking care of it.
And if it's possible, I'd like to look just a little|bit more like Elmer Fudd.
Natalie, do you have|the S.
on Michigan State? -- I'm sorry?|-- Michigan State? I've got it.
I need it.
-- It was right here.
|-- Where? -- Here.
|-- It's cool.
-- Don't panic.
|-- I'm not losing my mind.
|Don't tell me not to panic.
-- Natalie|-- I just had it.
-- Where?|-- Here.
Dan, heads up --|I may have a change.
There's not|gonna be a change.
|It was right here.
-- We may not have the S.
|for Michigan State.
|We'll have it.
Natalie's right.
If this|is professional television, surely there's some kind of|strict procedure that's followed -- when something like|this happens.
|-- Absolutely.
-- What is it?|-- Well, first,|everyone, stand up -- and see if you're|sitting on it.
|-- 2 minutes back.
-- I'll find it.
|-- I'll help her look.
-- Uh, don't worry about it.
|-- Dana Jeremy, she's not gonna find it.
|Don't worry about it.
-- 90 seconds back.
|-- Did you get any sleep|last night? I don't remember.
So, I have a complaint --|two complaints actually.
You're cold? -- Three complaints.
|-- What are the first two? -- I haven't put these|in any order.
|-- Okay.
I haven't numbered them.
|I'm not conversationally|anal-retentive the way you are.
-- I'm conversationally|anal-retentive?|-- Yes, indeed.
Then what are your|other two complaints? If I did number them,|certainly high on the list would be the climate|in this room.
Yeah, I think|your position's|pretty clear on that.
-- 60 seconds back.
|-- Well, what are|the other two? -- You're too hard|on Rostenkowski.
|-- Oh, please.
-- You are.
You've been|riding him all week.
|-- Am not.
Dan, he made a bonehead|move on fourth down with|the game on the line.
It's not the first time|he's made a bonehead move.
I'm a commentator,|I'm a pundit,|I am doing my job.
-- You're a pundit?|-- I'm a pundit.
-- Your parents must|be very proud.
|-- They are.
|-- 30 seconds.
-- What's your|second complaint?|-- The sound effects.
-- Oh, again with|the sound effects.
|-- All through the|Rostenkowski piece -- "Clank! Wah wanh!" What's with that? I am bringing my point|into stark relief.
With Casio keyboard|sound effects.
We have very talented|sound editors, right,|Chris? Thank you.
Will? It's what I do.
You see?|It's what Will does.
Suit yourself.
Danny, he should not be|the head coach of a major college|football team.
Yeah, but he is, and you know|what that job's like,|so I'm just saying -- -- I can't find it.
|-- It's okay.
-- I'm sorry.
|-- It's not a problem.
It is a problem, Dana.
|This isn't something -- Natalie, it's not a problem.
|We've got promos|we can use to fill.
Yeah, guys, we're blowing off|80, 81, and 82.
I've got promo fillers,|so ride us out on the box set.
I'm sorry, everybody.
-- It's all right.
|Don't worry about it.
|Hey, Dana|-- That's cool.
Danny has|some complaints -- -- Three complaints.
|-- in no particular order.
Want to hear? Danny, you look like|Elmer Fudd.
Okay, four complaints.
[ Exhales deeply ] Dan, I spoke to|building maintenance about the air conditioning.
They're sending someone out.
-- The air conditioning?|-- Yeah.
That's good, um,|but the problem we're having in the studio|is with the heat.
-- [ Laughs ]|-- Damn it.
-- Don't worry about it.
|-- Yes.
|No problem.
Nat? You want to sit down|for a sec, shoot the breeze? I can't shoot the breeze|right now, Dan.
I have to do my job.
Or do you think it's|just safer for everybody|if I don't do anything? No, I was just -- My two anchors are gonna|die of hypothermia on the air, but that's okay,|no problem, 'cause Natalie's|a little distracted.
I'm not distracted, guys.
|I can do my job.
-- We know.
|-- I've gotta go get|the air conditioning fixed.
-- The heat.
|-- Yes.
I know that.
|Thank you.
Also, if you see Casey, tell him to lighten up|on Rostenkowski.
Oh, look, you're here.
Lighten up on|Rostenkowski.
I stand by my position.
I do it proudly,|I do it vigorously, and I do it for the following|three reasons -- Here come|the table of contents.
-- I like to organize|my thoughts.
|-- We know.
Why are you looking|at a dictionary? I don't think "pundit" means|what you think it means.
-- You're not gonna let|go of this.
|-- You're not gonna|let go of this.
Excuse me, but wasn't|I sitting next to you for|two weeks when you said that Latrell Sprewell|shouldn't be allowed to play|professional basketball again? Look, I know|it's your alma mater, and I know you take|that seriously -- and|I think that's great -- but Rostenkowski blew|a fourth-down call in|a college football game.
Latrell Sprewell tried|to strangle his coach.
Is this one of those days|when you have a hard time|making the distinction? We were this close to|beating Miami -- this close.
Do you know how many times|we've beaten Miami? -- You've never beaten Miami.
|-- We've never beaten Miami.
Now, who am I supposed to|see about that? A therapist? And what was the upshot|of the budget meeting? We're gonna have to find|a way to cut $1 7 million.
[ Knock on door ]|-- Excuse me.
-- Come on in.
|-- I found it.
|-- You found it? I found it.
I knew if I looked|hard enough, I'd find it,|and I found it.
-- What did you find?|-- A death threat.
|-- To Natalie? Yes.
Anytime you've got a|thousand people sending letters|and making phone calls, it's a pretty good bet|that at least one of them's|gonna be out of his mind.
Jeremy, is this why you haven't|been sleeping at night? -- I don't need much sleep.
|-- I don't want you|obsessing about this.
-- It's not an obsession.
|-- You look like you haven't|slept in a week.
-- I'm fine.
|-- 'Cause, you know,|network security's working with the FBl,|and they pretty much have|the bases covered.
Well, they don't have|the bases covered, because I intercepted|this e-mail this morning.
You shouldn't be reading|Natalie's e-mail.
It was the only way|I could make sure that Natalie doesn't|read Natalie's e-mail.
I'm surprised she gave|you her password.
She won't even|give it to me.
She didn't give it to me.
|I figured it out.
-- You figured it out?|-- Sure.
You figured out|her password? I thought, you know,|how many 6-letter words|could there be? Um, 5,000.
But I got it on|the 38th try.
You gotta go to sleep|right now.
-- "Dear slut"|-- Don't read it.
"You should never have been|in that locker room "where men have just played|the game of football.
"You deserve what Christian|Patrick gave you and more.
"And now a great football|player with a pashion and|love for the game" -- "passion" with the less common|"s-h" spelling -- "has come under a cloud of|speculation that's only serving "to distract a team from its|quest to win the Super Bowl.
I hope you get killed.
" -- We've seen the letter.
|-- You've seen the letter? -- It came yesterday.
|Natalie gave it to the police.
|-- Natalie has seen it? -- Of course.
|-- I don't want her seeing|this stuff! -- No, I don't want her|seeing it!|-- Jeremy|Iisten, do me a favor.
Go wait for me|in the conference room.
|I want to talk to you.
-- I need to be doing something.
|-- You will be.
-- Go wait in|the conference room.
|-- Listen You're overtired.
|This is sleep deprivation.
Go to the conference room|and wait for me there.
I'm sorry|I raised my voice.
We shouldn't worry,|right? [ Door closes ] A reporter goes into|a locker room, has a run-in|with an athlete, the reporter|becomes the story.
That happens, right? In my experience? About twice a year|over the last 40 years.
So why does this|feel different? Because it's|happening to us.
Okay, the budget.
"Dear Casey McCall, "lately, I think you and me|are the only ones who know|anything about football.
"Rostenkowski should be|run out of town on a rail, and you're just|the man to do it.
" Eh, I say you're man enough|for 10 men.
"Casey, Rostenkowski|is a fraud, a bum, "and a doddering old man.
"Me and my friends|are totally with you.
Keep up the good work.
" They tell me|I'm all over the radio|in the Great Lakes region.
-- Have you ever been|to the Great Lakes?|-- Yeah, four of them.
-- How are they?|-- They're great.
"You're my favorite|sports anchor ever.
"l never used to|like sports, but you've|so gotten me into it.
"Maybe because|you're totally hot.
Look me up -- Tracy Devereux,|Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
" -- You made that up.
|-- What's that say? -- It's addressed to Dan.
|-- Yeah, well, the point is|I'm leading a groundswell.
-- Casey|-- I'm leading a groundswell.
That's really nice|for you.
Listen, do me a favor --|double-check any items you're getting in|from Natalie.
If anything's wrong,|fix it yourself.
The distractions are|starting to get to her.
Oh, yeah.
She's been|screwing up pretty good|lately.
Yeah, not like when you were|going through the divorce.
I did my job|with a plum.
I remember some days|you could barely find|the building.
Well, that's true.
-- You'll watch her back?|-- I always do.
I know.
I need to get in there.
-- You look nice today.
|-- Good.
Uh, uh, uh, uh --|no, no, no.
I said you look nice.
|That's your cue to say|thank you.
Thank you.
Why do you look nice? Because I am nice.
-- You can say it, Dana.
|-- I don't want to say it.
-- You do want to say it.
|-- I don't want to say it,|and you don't want me to say it.
I do want you to say it,|and then I want you to see how much I don't|care when you do.
-- What's in it for me?|-- Nothing.
I am dressed this way because I'm having dinner|with Gordon after the show.
I'm having dinner with Gordon,|and I'm dressed this way because it's been|my experience that when I do, Gordon|becomes quite amorous, and it's my hope|that Gordon act on his|impulses this evening, quench his desire,|and in so doing [ Sighs ] quench mine.
You happy? That's all I wanted.
-- Good.
|-- There is no reason|for you to be secretive.
-- Fine.
|-- I am not jealous|of you and Gordon.
-- Can I get in|the conference room?|-- Sure.
-- Kim|-- Yep? Make a note -- I need to ruin|Dana's dinner with Gordon.
Dana: You know, Jeremy Don Quixote was a hero|of my father's, and|my father would like you.
You're a very|Quixotic character.
-- Thank you.
|-- However, my father would|also say you're a fool.
That's entirely possible,|but in own defense,|so was Don Quixote.
-- You like Natalie,|don't you?|-- Me? -- Yes.
|-- Of course I like her.
No, that's not|what I mean, Jeremy.
I mean, you like|Natalie, don't you? -- Me?|-- Yes.
What was the question? -- It's okay.
|-- I haven't -- It's okay.
I'm sure|your love has been pure|and chaste from afar.
-- It really has been.
|-- I'll let you in|on a secret.
I think Natalie|likes you as well.
-- I think so, too.
|-- Yes.
-- I've been getting|that feeling.
|-- Good.
I've had this sense.
|It's a faint, subtle thing -- She's been throwing|herself at you.
-- See, I didn't get that.
|-- Trust me.
So, you know what|I think you should do? -- What?|-- Nothing.
-- Nothing?|-- Nothing.
-- lsn't that what|I'm doing now?|-- No.
Natalie's life has been|turned upside down.
She doesn't know whether|she's coming or going.
People harass her|and take her pictures.
The reporters calling,|the mail -- She's frightened|and confused.
And I know|you're frightened, too, or you wouldn't be|staying up all night plugging 6-letter words|into a computer.
I'm not a big man, Dana.
I can't beat people up,|and I don't carry a gun.
I'm a research analyst|with a degree in Applied|Mathematics, so this is what I do.
And that's cool, but|that's not what she needs.
What does she need? A quiet dinner --|just a quiet dinner in a safe place|with someone she likes.
Who? -- Me, right.
|-- Jeremyyes.
-- I can do that.
|-- Good.
-- I can definitely do that.
|-- Excellent.
-- Now I need you|to do something else.
|-- Sure.
Go into my office,|close the door, Iie down on the couch,|and take a nap.
-- I can't.
|-- You can try.
-- No, I can't sleep.
|-- You can try for a few hours.
These letters aren't|gonna stop coming just because I take her|out to dinner.
I know.
I'll try and sleep.
-- 14,200?|-- And change.
"Very Quixotic,"|my father would say|about you.
Casey:|Hey, you know what Danny|said to me last night? What'd you say|to him last night? I told him he was|conversationally|anal-retentive.
-- Yeah, you are.
|-- I am not.
-- You are, too.
|-- You guys need me|for this fight? -- No.
|-- No, we're fine.
How am I conversationally|anal-retentive? Let me answer that|question in four parts with the fourth part first|and the third part last.
-- The second part|has five syllables.
|-- All right, all right,|all right.
Hey, did you talk|to the sound guys about the Rostenkowski|effects for tonight? -- The crash-and-burn|sound? Yeah.
|-- Yeah.
-- And?|-- They said they don't have it.
-- They don't have|the crash-and-burn sound?|-- They don't have it.
Well, did you make|the sound for them? Yes.
Hey, Elliott,|who's the leading scorer|in the Portland game? -- McManus.
|-- Okay.
You made the sound|for them, and they|didn't have it? -- That's right.
Kim, where are we|on Sergei Fedorov? -- When did you need that?|-- Now.
[ lmitating tires screeching,|crash and explosion ]|Urrr! Pukkkk! -- That sound?|-- Yeah.
-- Really?|-- Yes.
Make the sound|that you made.
-- Casey, I made the sound.
|-- Make it.
[ Soft, high-pitched|imitation ] Urr! Ksss! -- Ah|-- What? That's not the sound.
That's the sound.
ChrisWill Be with me now.
[ lmitating tires screeching,|crash and explosion ]|Urrr! Pukkkk! Crash and burn.
-- Can you do it?|-- Got it.
[ Dana gasps ] [ Knock on door ] Excuse me.
Danny? -- Jeremy.
|-- Am I interrupting? -- I thought you were asleep.
|-- Huh? Dana said you were asleep|in her office.
No, I've been, uh, running|some stats through a program.
I'm trying to chose|an appropriate restaurant.
Listen to me, seriously.
|You gotta get some sleep.
I once stayed up 72 hours|straight studying for|a Biochem midterm.
-- You know|what happened next?|-- No.
Me neither, man, 'cause I passed out in|my girlfriend's dorm room.
I didn't wake up|until, like, graduation.
-- How'd you do on the midterm?|-- I aced it, but|that's not the point.
-- What's the point?|-- You're running stats|on restaurants? I want to take Natalie|to dinner, and I want|to do it right.
I wrote some software that|helps me factor in menu,|ambiance, location, any number of elements|that can be translated|into binomial functions.
It's based on the fourth|generation of L7 software that runs with the old|Omni applications.
It doesn't allow for trends,|and it's not as fast|as I'd like it to be, -- but it's|-- Hang on, hang on, hang on.
|Time out.
Let me just get this|straight here.
I'm sorry.
You designed|some software? -- Just an application.
|-- Jeremy See, Dana seems to think|that I could help Natalie|out if I take her to dinner.
-- Dan, this may be my only|chance with Natalie.
|-- Listen up.
Listen up.
-- You know what she likes, and|you know all the hot places|in the city.
|-- Jeremy -- Please, help me pick|a restaurant --|-- Jeremy, listen up! Okay.
You need to go to sleep.
It's dangerous Really.
Make it someplace|that you like.
Restaurants --|they don't impress women|as much as we think they do, and food always tastes|good on the first date.
You're not in Vegas,|and you're not in L.
You are in the most|magnificent city in the world.
It's the city of Gershwin|and Cole Porter, Damon Runyon and|Fiorello La Guardia.
Surprise her, but|make her feel comfortable.
Make it different, but|make her feel at home.
But mostly make it someplace|that you like.
Where is that restaurant? I'll let you know|when I find it.
Woman: Dan, we need you|in makeup.
Three minutes to air.
|We're three minutes out.
[ lndistinct talking ] Gordon: Hey, Casey.
Hey, Gordon.
|What's happening? Oh, boy, this place really|hops at showtime, huh? It's like a real|television show.
-- Yeah, we got cameras|and everything.
|-- Wow.
Honey, I gotta go|check on some things.
You don't have to talk to|Casey if you don't want to, and if he says anything|you don't like, you should feel free|to take a swing at him.
[ Chuckles ]|Feisty girl.
Yeah, she's a pip.
Oh, I gotta tell you, when|she wears that outfit -- I heard.
Oh, by the way,|for what it's worth, I'm right with you on this|Rostenkowski thing.
-- Thank you.
|-- It was a terrible call.
-- Lost the game.
|-- I don't know how|he makes that call.
Any idiot knows you hand it|to Jermaine, you send him|up the middle.
Yeah -- well, you're|not gonna go up the middle against an 8-man front,|but still Oh, still, maybe you run|a play-action fake, you toss it off|to the tight end|out in the flat.
The problem with that is|that without establishing|a running game first, -- no one's gonna bite down|on the play fake.
|-- Oh, but still.
Still A post pattern,|a slant He'd be going against|a defensive back who was second-team|All-American as|a true freshman.
-- What would you have called?|-- Me? Yeah.
[ Sighs ] The thing is, I haven't|watched film all week.
I haven't seen|scouting reports.
I don't have an|offensive coordinator|talking in my ear.
I don't have 80,000 fans|screaming in my face.
So it's easy for me --|I don't have|10 million people watching at home on TV,|including a pack of|rabid alumni.
I've had three days|to think about it.
He had seven seconds.
So it's a lot easier|for me to make that decision|than it was for him.
But since you asked me|what play I would have|called, I'll tell you.
Now that I think about it,|I have no idea.
-- Gordon|-- Huh? Dana asked me to show you|to the greenroom.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, Dana -- Yeah?|-- Can you put in|an alternate 44 and stretch|the NBA rollout after|the second C-break? -- I think so.
Why?|-- I'm blowing off|the Rostenkowski thing.
We're live in 60 seconds.
Roll VTR.
[ Up-tempo instrumental music|plays ] -- I'm blowing off|the Rostenkowski piece.
|-- Attaboy.
-- I gave in.
|-- Yes! I saw the light.
I rose above myself, and I did it for the|following three reasons -- We actually don't have time|for this right now.
Dana: Let's go.
|Have a good show, everybody.
Iosing to fourth-seated|Monica Seles in the second round.
Time for our weekly edition|of "You Should Know.
" Daniel You know, here|at "Sports Night,"|we get a lot of mail.
Most of it goes|something like this -- "Casey, Dan, you two|obviously know a lot|about sports, "but what can you tell us about legendary ltalian|song stylist Tony Orlando?" Well Group: You should know! You should know that|Tony Orlando is not Italian, and if you guessed that|the man was of Latin descent, you'd be incorrect as well.
Tony Orlando|hails from Greece, we thought|you should know that.
That just about does it|for tonight's show.
|It's a holiday weekend, so if you're driving out|to the stadium tomorrow, please, please remember|to take your car.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
We're out.
[ Laughing ] What|the hell was that? Shh, shh, quiet.
That was supposed to be|Troy Aikman.
There was nothing|on the TelePrompTer.
So you ad-libbed|Tony Orlando? -- It was all|I could think of!|-- Tony Orlando? Listen, I had Natalie|write a new copy to fill for the gap|Casey left when he pulled|the Rostenkowski thing.
The copy never made it|on the Teleprompter.
We screwed up,|and thanks for covering.
-- Is T ony Orlando Greek?|-- How the hell do I know? Well, you can't deny|that Natalie's making things|interesting around here.
-- Not a word to Natalie.
|-- All right! That's enough.
|You guys are still miked,|for crying out loud.
I can hear every word|you're saying.
-- Hey, Natalie, it's not|like that, really.
We were|just laughing at --|-- Me? -- Uh, Natalie|-- Absolutely not.
Why not? Why aren't you|laughing at me? Why aren't you mad|at me? Dan, y-you just had to|ad-lib a 30-second segment|in the freezing cold, and God knows what graphic|I put on the screen.
Look, all I want|is to get it right, and when I don't,|I expect to be treated|like a professional.
I expect to be yelled at.
I want to be treated|like the show is|still important.
I want to be treated|like my job is|still important! The show is important,|and your job is important.
-- Then why won't anybody|yell at me?|-- 'Cause we like you.
'Cause you're one of us.
'Cause you're always|there anytime one of us|is in trouble.
-- Like me.
|-- Like me.
Like them.
-- And you.
|-- And you.
-- When have I -- uh, uh!|-- Oh It doesn't matter.
The point is, when|someone's feeling helpless, about the nicest gift|you can give is to|let them help you.
It's the gift of receiving|as opposed to giving, and that's a gift|you're in a position|to give right now.
Does that make sense? -- I couldn't follow it.
|-- And was I talking|to you? -- I'm going home.
|-- Oh, Natalie,|don't go home mad! I'm not mad.
Oh, Natalie [ lndistinct talking ] Hmm.
|He found it.
[ Chuckles ] Jeremy [ Tapping ] Jeremy -- Wake up.
|-- What? Oh, God.
-- Did you do this?|-- Oh, boy.
I Did you do this? Yeah.
Is this for me? Don't look at Dan.
Is this for me? Yeah.
And this was meant to be|some kind of charity? No, not charity.
I just wanted to do|something.
Why? I like you.
[ Sighs ] You look awfully|tired, Jeremy.
When was the last time|you slept? I don't really remember.
Is that because of me? Yeah.
Look, I'll|clean this stuff up.
|It'll take a second.
Sit down.
Come on.
Lie down here.
Put your head here.
You guys have|something better to do? -- No, not really.
|-- I don't have anything to do.
|-- No.
-- Oh.
|-- Yes, I do.
|I have a -- oh, God.
I have that thing --|that thing.
I'll see you|in the morning.
Listen, he's gonna be|asleep for a while, and I wouldn't mind|the company.
You want to have|a drink with me? Gee, yeah, I would, but I've got Gordon|waiting in the greenroom, and we're going out|to dinner.
I'll see you|in the morning.
Natalie -- Yeah?|-- You've been screwing up|all week, and it's gotta stop.
Get your act together|and do it fast.
Got it? -- Yes, ma'am.
|-- Good.
You're welcome.
[ Gershwin's "Someone|To Watch Over Me" plays ] [ Rock music plays ]