Sports Night (1998) s01e08 Episode Script

Thespis

Man: Studio "A, "|this is Master Control.
-- You're up on router 7.
|Have a good show.
|Dana: Thank you.
Will: Stand by audio,|stand by VTR.
|Natalie: Four minutes out.
Janie, I need you|standing by for a possible|comeback after 5:00.
Andruw Jones is spelled|with a "U.
" And Cris Collinsworth|doesn't have an "H.
" -- Doesn't have an "H"?|-- Doesn't have an "H.
" -- Why doesn't Collinsworth|have an "H"?|-- It never had an "H.
" It has an "H" at the end.
He's saying "Cris"|doesn't have an "H.
" Anybody know why there's|a 20-pound frozen turkey up in the light grid? Dana,|Elliott wants to know why there's a 20-pound frozen|turkey in the light grid.
It's 24 pounds.
I'll tell him that, but then he'll probably|just want to know why there's a 24-pound frozen|turkey in the light grid.
Why is there|a 24-pound frozen turkey|up in the light grid? -- I'm thawing it out.
|-- You're thawing out|a turkey on the light grid? Anybody got a problem|with that? -- Not me.
|-- Cool with me.
It's like a week before|Thanksgiving.
-- This is just a dry run.
|-- A dry run on the turkey? My whole family's coming|to New York -- 18 people.
-- And this is your first time|making the dinner?|-- Yes.
-- It's a rite of passage|into adulthood.
|-- Yes.
It's a time for giving thanks, a time to share in the warm|embrace of family.
-- Right.
You don't want to|take any crap from your mother.
|-- I really don't.
-- You're doing|the right thing.
|-- I need to see how long|it takes to thaw.
Three minutes in.
By the way you know what today is? -- It's Monday.
|-- What else? Uh, it's November 23rd.
And what does that mean? Come on.
November 23rd.
What happened|on this date? -- Boston College|upsets Notre Dame?|-- Wrong.
-- Gretzky's 500th goal?|-- Think.
-- Alberto Salazar wins his|fourth New York Marathon?|-- No.
Alberto Salazar|wins his third|New York Marathon? -- Casey, you're not --|-- Does it have|anything to do -- with Alberto Salazar|or the New York Marathon?|-- No.
-- Let me take|one more stab at it.
|-- Go.
Alberto Salazar|wins his second|New York marathon? -- Caseyforget about it.
|-- Come on, what is it? -- Come on.
|-- No, forget about it.
|Forget about it.
Kim, this is my daughter's|number in San Francisco.
-- Would you keep trying her|for me, please?|-- Sure.
Is there a problem|with Kathy? There's no problem,|but she's due in 10 days.
Esther flew out there|this morning to be with her.
She should've landed|by now, but I haven't heard|from either of them yet.
Have a good show,|everybody.
Isaac, Esther and Kathy|are fine.
You're gonna be|a grandfather in 10 days, so try not to make|everybody crazy.
Esther and I had a fight|this morning before she left.
-- What about?|-- Nothing.
Kim, keep calling.
Casey: Jeremy November 23rd --|does that date ring a bell? And don't go|to the computer.
-- Don't have to.
|-- What is it? It was on this day|in 534 B.
C.
that Thespis stepped out|onto the stage of the Theater Dionysus|during a choral song and dance and became the first man to speak words|as an actor in a play.
-- Tell me I was|supposed to know that.
|-- I don't want to talk|about it.
Dave: 60 in.
Roll VTR.
Thespis? The first actor,|now a mischievous ghost.
He likes to wreak havoc|on performances of any kind.
I'd brace yourself|for a strange show tonight.
It's not gonna be|a strange show.
He might wreak havoc.
-- He's not gonna|wreak havoc.
|-- He might.
This show's locked up|tight as a drum.
Thespis likes a challenge.
Thespis has been dead|for 2,500 years.
You really think|you should be baiting|him like this? "l fear not ghosts.
|I fear them not.
" Your courage|is an inspiration.
You're just messing|with me, right? -- Sure.
|-- The show's gonna be|fine tonight -- Yes.
|-- tight as a drum.
-- You betcha.
|-- [ Gasps, thud ] All right, [Clears throat]|why wasn't I briefed about this Thespis|thing before? -- Dana, I --|-- Did you know about|this Thespis thing? It's bad to panic, Dana.
|Thespis can smell fear|a mile away.
-- All right, we just need to|get through the top half-hour.
|-- That's right.
Anything that ever|goes wrong with the show -- goes wrong during|the top half-hour.
|-- Nothing's going wrong.
Not if we can get through|the top half-hour.
-- Mortals.
|-- Jeremy! Thespis likes to play|the full 60 minutes.
-- Give me one more hint.
|-- Forget about it.
-- Danny|-- It's not important.
|-- In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories, plus|we're gonna take a swing|through the NFL, where there were more than|a few upsets yesterday.
We'll take you out|to Pauley Pavilion for a Pac-10 matchup|you won't believe, and we'll take you out|to Watkins Glen for a NASCAR rules explanation|we can't understand.
All that coming up|after this.
You're watching|"Sports Night" on CSC,|so stick around.
-- We're out.
|Natalie: We're in commercial.
-- Two minutes back.
|-- 28 minutes to go.
The MLS,|Major League Soccer -- and if you know me, you know I eat, drink,|and breathe soccer.
Without delay,|the Miami Fusion, the D.
C.
United --|let's go to the action.
Blake kicks the ball|with high hopes that it'll enter the goal,|but it does not.
Stand by 22.
Give me a preview|on FX 7, V.
O.
9, and|show me the board.
-- He doesn't know the route.
|-- Here's 7.
Man: Here's 9.
|-- Show me the board.
|-- Board's up.
Asked him to|rehearse the route,|but he wouldn't listen.
You're babbling, lsaac.
-- He hasn't rehearsed|the route.
|-- Who? Douglas, my son-in-law.
How can he find|the hospital if he hasn't|rehearsed the route? Isn't Douglas|a radar officer in the Navy? Yes, and if we were|scrambling F-16s, I'd trust him to find|the flight deck|of the USS Coral Sea, but we're having a baby,|and you can't find|Berkeley General unless you rehearse|the route.
Think that's crazy? No crazier than thawing out|a turkey on the light grid.
-- What are you doing|on the light grid?|-- It's not important.
|[ Chuckles nervously ] Isaac, it's your wife.
-- Oh, finally.
|-- You see? Man: Stand by|FX 7, V.
O.
12.
Casey: Good.
With the NHL season|well underway, one of the big questions|on the minds of fans is if the defending-champion|Red Wings will pull off|a three-peat and drink from|Lord Stanley's Cup once again.
-- Ready five.
|-- For more on that, we go to Tracy Heller,|who's standing outside the Detroit Wed Wings|rocker room.
-- Red Wings rocker room.
|-- Oh, man.
[ Laughs ] Or possibly the Detroit|Red Wings locker room.
-- Take five.
|-- Natalie:|2 1/2 minutes back.
Thespis? It's his special day.
Let me take|one more shot at it.
|Is it, um -- Our anniversary.
Our anniversary? Our anniversary.
|Today is our anniversary.
Jeez, Dan, that night|in Minneapolis with|the Jagermeister, we didn't do anything|untoward, did we? -- You mean did we|get married? No.
|-- Yeah.
Good.
We recited|the St.
Crispin's Day speech in the lobby|of the St.
Paul Radisson.
-- Was it untoward?|-- No, it was just|embarrassing.
So, uh, how is it|our anniversary? It's the anniversary|of our first show --|November 23rd, 5 years ago.
No, we went on the air|two years last July.
I'm not talking about|"Sports Night," I'm talking about|our first broadcast.
"Lone Star.
" "Lone Star Sports.
" November 23rd? That's right.
What do you want|from me? Nothing, Casey.
I'm just gonna sit over here|and do my show.
Impersonating my ex-wife|never won anyone|a place in my heart.
-- It's an important day|to me.
|-- It's an important day|to me, too.
[ Laughs ]|I don't think it is.
-- How can I prove it to you?|-- Remembering it would be|a step in the right direction.
One minute back.
So, Thespis is|the Roman god of theater? That's exactly right,|except he's not Roman,|and he's not a god.
-- What is he?|-- He's Greek,|and he's a ghost.
-- Who's Artemis?|-- Artemis? Artemis is goddess|of the moon, the hunt, chastity, and fertility.
Ooh! Your boy knows|his mythology.
-- Give him another one.
|-- Athena.
Goddess of wisdom,|the arts, and war.
Mercury.
God of commerce,|wrestling, gymnastics, thieving, good luck,|sleep, wealth, and dreams.
Wow.
There's a God of thieving? There's a God|of gymnastics? Yes, indeed.
-- 10 seconds back.
|Dave: Ready four.
I remember|what you were wearing.
Do you remember|what I was wearing? I remember not thinking at|the time that you were a woman.
In 32 Thanks, Tracy.
|You can see the Red Wings|take on the Maple Leafs tomorrow night at 7:30|right here on CSC, as Bob Lowry and Steve Capps|bring you all the action|from Toronto.
Casey.
Casey: The PGA tour|was in Scottsdale yesterday for the final round|of the Kingsbridge Open.
Going into the 12th hole You and Esther make up? Kim, get me on the next flight|to San Francisco.
-- What do you need --|-- Do it now, Kim.
[ Casey talking indistinctly ] Uh, take over.
Natalie's got the wheel,|everybody.
can only be called|inspirational.
The ball flew through the air|with the greatest of ease Put up 20, 21, and 22|on a preview screen.
Casey, heads up.
I need you to stretch|a 20 blind roll into a 30.
You all right? Yeah.
on the leaderboard.
|Dan.
I'm gonna fly out|tonight, honey.
[ TV volume decreases ]|I'll meet Mom and your sister|at the hospital.
I'll have Carmen|stay there tonight.
Honey, don't argue with me.
I'll call you back|in a few minutes.
I'll call you back.
Get back to the control room.
What's going on? Dana, get back to|the damn control room.
Natalie's fine|for a couple of minutes.
She's having an emergency|C-section.
They're doing it right now.
What happened? She was cleaning the kitchen|when Esther got there.
Esther said|she doubled over in pain and started screaming.
The O.
B.
said there was|massive internal bleeding.
She was unconscious|when she got to the E.
R.
Is Kim working|on the plane tickets? Yes, yes.
|Why don't you sit down? She's nine months pregnant.
What's she doing|cleaning the kitchen? She's hoping to make|a good impression|on her mother, but that's not why|she was bleeding.
Did they say anything|to you about something|called placenta previa? That's what it is.
It happened to|my brother's wife, Shelly.
Two weeks before she was due,|massive hemorrhaging, rushed to the hospital.
-- What happened?|-- Shelly was fine.
What about the baby? They lost the baby,|but Shelly was fine.
[ Sighs ] [ Sighs ] You should get back|to the show.
[ Sniffs ] Yeah.
Mmm I'll be back|in a few minutes.
Okay.
-- You all right?|-- Yeah.
Casey: Miami of Ohio|and Bowling Green State aren't two teams|that are normally in|the national spotlight unless you're speaking of|their departments of physics and Native American studies|respectively -- Thank God.
|Dana: What's going on? We blew the cue at 44.
Well, that's not so bad.
|Anything else? We had the wrong V.
O.
at 42,|the wrong Chyron at 50, and we would've had|20 seconds of dead air at 55 if Casey hadn't been|thinking on his feet.
-- What'd he do?|-- I think it was|the St.
Crispin's Day|speech.
I'm not sure.
-- She did fine.
|-- There's water dripping|on the desk.
-- What desk?|-- The anchor desk.
Natalie, get someone up there|and find out what's going on.
I was gone three minutes.
|Is there anything that|didn't get screwed up? -- We spelled|Cris Collinsworth right.
|-- Good.
Dave: In 32 Thank you, Matt.
We're gonna take a break|for 2 1/2 minutes|and pay some bills, but when we come back,|we're gonna have|college hoops, bowl predictions,|and a steeplechase|that got out of hand.
You're watching|"Sports Night" on CSC,|so don't go far.
-- We're out.
|-- 2 1/2 back.
Dana, what the hell's|going on? Listen to me, lsaac's having|a family emergency, but there's nothing we can do|about it from here.
Everybody got that?|Get your heads in the game! We are gonna get through|the top half-hour! I'm not gonna be beaten|by a 6,000-year-old Roman god! He's a 3,000-year-old|Greek ghost.
Well, I'm a 33-year-old|television producer, and for one hour|every night, this is my little corner|of the world, and nothing screws up here|unless I screw it up! You got that?! Why is there still water|dripping on this desk?! Say, Dana this wouldn't happen to be|your frozen turkey by any chance,|now, would it? Well, clearly I'm|going to be taking crap|from my mother.
Man: Two minutes back.
In the NCAA, there ain't|no such thing as free lunches, much less free skybox tickets|or free hotel rooms.
That's why Southern University|wideout Marcus Ryan will sit out two games.
Ryan's suspension comes to|a total of five games Ready S.
O.
T.
-- Go 90.
|Man: Marcus -- Just answer me this.
|-- What are you,|the Riddler? What was wrong with you|that day? -- There was nothing wrong.
|-- Why won't you tell me? I was nervous.
|It was our first show.
-- You weren't nervous.
|There was something wrong.
|-- Why are we still talking|about this? Was it 'cause of what happened|with Conan O'Brien's show? It had nothing to do|with Conan's show.
You've made way too much|out of that.
-- In 3|-- My name was mentioned|a couple times.
-- 2|-- I was never seriously|considered for the show.
In this week's|police blotter, a judge in New York|has issued a court order for the arrest of former|defensive end Mark Gastin for violating a court order, while in a Houston courtroom, Sacramento backup|power forward Jason Grisham was pleading "no contest" to charges that he hit|a fan over the head with|a bottle of fine cognac.
For more psychotic behavior,|here's Jack Jankowitz.
Yes, you were.
Yes, I was, what? Being seriously considered|for Conan's show.
-- No, I wasn't.
|-- Yes, you were, and when you didn't get it,|you were stuck doing a little|sports show with me in Dallas.
-- It was a good show, Danny.
|-- It wasn't good enough|for Lisa.
Yeah, what was good enough|for Lisa?! -- What haven't you told me?|-- There's no mystery here.
Casey, I've known you for|1 0 years.
We've been working|together for five of them.
What haven't you told me? Natalie, how much time|do I have? Another 15 seconds|on this, then Dan's got two minutes,|then a 2-minute "C" break.
I'm gonna stretch my legs.
We're back in 32 We'll come back|to Jack Jankowitz|later in our show.
In women's college hoops, the Pac-10's been having|a good season with four teams|in the top 25.
On Sunday, the Bruins|went in the valley of the sun for a conference matchup|against Arizona State.
[ Sighs ] Any news? No.
Do you want some company? No.
T ough.
-- [ Sighs ]|-- [ Sighs ] Did a big frozen turkey|fall down on the anchor desk during the last commercial? -- Yes.
|-- And why? Ah, lsaac, is there really an|answer I can give to that|question that will satisfy you? I don't think so.
-- Then don't worry about it.
|-- [ Chuckles ] Esther and I had an argument|this morning before she left|for the airport.
About what? She said I wasn't|showing enough enthusiasm about the baby.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
No, it's not.
I guess I've been|feeling my age.
I was rude|to my son-in-law.
I said|to my daughter Kathy that I was too young|to be a grandfather.
What the hell kind of thing is that to say|to your daughter? Huh.
Anyway I'm sorry we fought|this morning.
In a funny way,|Danny and I are having|the same fight right now, only he doesn't know|it's about a fight that Lisa and I had|five years ago.
You've never told him,|have you? No.
Why? I don't know.
You got to learn to|show people how you feel|about them, Casey.
-- Why do I have to|prove it to him?|-- 'Cause he feels like|a consolation prize.
He's not.
Tell him.
So, you say a few words, you make a gesture, you remember|an important date.
Small price to pay|for what you get in return.
For what you get in return,|it's a steal.
The rest is all vanity.
[ Bottle clinks ] What? -- I was gonna hug you.
|-- Oh, please don't.
As a gesture.
Oh.
[ Laughs ]|Okay.
[ Laughs ] Call the studio|when you get some news.
[ Sighs ] I've named this Thanksgiving.
I'm calling it|"The Thanksgiving|of Mom's disapproval.
" Included on the 2-record set|are the hit songs "Why Aren't You Married?" And "Sports Is No Place|for an Educated Woman" and "Didn't Anyone Ever Tell You|How to Cook a Turkey?" On the turkey front, she|may have a reasonable point.
Tell me the mission|of Thespis.
What's his M.
O.
? By and large,|the mission of any ghost|is to offer humility.
They point out|what's important|by mocking what is not.
I'm not sold.
|I'm not sold at all.
Stand by in 32 Welcome back.
|If you're joining us late Dana, Broadcast Center says|we should expect some trouble with our transmission|in the next couple minutes.
What kind of trouble? [ Static ] Well, that was certainly|uncalled for.
-- No, I mean it.
|-- Why are you looking|at me? Elliott,|get someone on the phone and find out what's going on and how long we can expect it|to be going on for.
How am I bothering Thespis? What have I done?|What have I done|to this ghost, who, by the way, no one|has ever heard of but you? What have I done|that he should choose,|like Jacob Marley, to spend an entire night|in the studio just slapping us around? You're not bothering Thespis.
-- I'm obviously|bothering Thespis.
|-- He's fine.
It's a power grid upstate.
|They should have us back on|in a couple minutes.
I just wanted to make|a nice Thanksgiving dinner.
Well, not exactly.
What do you mean,|"not exactly"? It's none of my business.
Well, I'm making it|your business.
You can't just make it|my business.
Well, l-I just did.
You're underestimating|your mother.
You get to see your family,|what, twice a year? Savor it.
Your mother's gonna|love you whether or not|you screw up the turkey.
My mother's gonna|annoy me whether or not|I screw up the turkey.
Which leads us|to the conclusion that your mother loves you|even though she annoys you, and it's Thanksgiving, so which do you|want to focus on? For a guy who's read|"The Hobbit" 14 times, you're not so dumb.
-- Hi.
|-- Hey, Casey.
I was on television|for a little while there,|and then I wasn't anymore.
It's got to be|pretty disturbing|for someone like you.
I think it'd be|pretty disturbing for someone like you, too.
[ Sighs ]|It's a television show, Casey.
I'm not thinking about|worldly things at the moment.
Okay.
-- Is anyone?!|-- A power grid's down.
We'll be up in a few minutes.
|You should stay at the desk.
-- There's not gonna be|any more poultry falling down?|-- Who can say? Stay at your desk.
-- What's going on in there?|-- A power grid's down.
|We're supposed to stand by.
Thank you.
I was gonna buy you some|flowers on the way back|from the control room, but -- I don't know|if you noticed, but I dropped that,|like, 15 minutes ago.
Good.
-- I just think that --|-- Danny they offered me|Conan's show.
They did? -- Yeah.
|-- They offered it to you? There was an offer.
|They offered me the show.
-- And you passed?|-- Yeah.
-- You passed on|your own network show?|-- Yeah.
To work with me in Dallas? -- It was clear|we were going national.
|-- No, it wasn't.
Look, I passed on the show.
|What does it matter why? If you passed on the show, Lisa must've gone thermal.
She wasn't happy.
Case was that the beginning|of the end with you and Lisa? Yeah.
Casey.
[ Sighs ] Casey, Casey, Casey Look, I appreciate|your fond wishes -- -- Are you stupid?|-- What happened|to the fond wishes? You turned down "Late Night"? -- I wouldn't have been|any good on that show.
|-- Yes, you would've.
-- No, I wouldn't have.
|-- You would've been great.
-- Danny|-- You would've been great.
-- I would've been|embarrassing.
|-- That is flat-out not true.
What did that woman|do to your confidence? How many hits did you|have to take to your ego? Guys, this is|a 60-second heads-up.
Apologize|for technical difficulties, and we'll start|right back up with 101.
Fellas, can I talk|to you a second? You would've been great.
You would've been very good.
Thank you.
You're very good|on this show.
Oh, yeah, I know But thanks for saying so.
I appreciate the gesture.
So we're gonna be|three minutes long.
Okay.
Tell me what happened.
I got a 6-pound, 8-ounce|grandson named Matthew, and his mother's doing|just fine.
Oh, that's the best news|I've ever heard! We got the studio back.
Oh! Um Hey, guys, lsaac's|a grandfather.
Hey!|Congratulations, lsaac! Mazel tov! Healthy baby boy.
Have a cigar.
Say Quick question -- how come|we're not on the air? We've had our share|of technical problems tonight as well as paranormal|interference, but we think once we get done|with the top half-hour, we should be out of|the mythological penalty box,|if you will.
Anybody know what the hell|she's talking about? Stand by FX 22.
Stand by S.
O.
T.
V.
O.
|19, 20, and 21.
Dana: Make sure Janie's there|for the flat five.
Listen to this phone call|I just got.
Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford|were accepting a humanitarian award|over at the Sheraton.
Kathie Lee|got up to the podium, slipped and fell face first|into a plate of tapioca.
-- At the Sheraton?|-- Yeah.
-- All the way across town?|-- Yeah.
Aaah!|Ladies and gentlemen, Thespis|has left the building! -- Nice!|-- Yes!|-- Yes! Dave: In 32 Good evening again.
|Still here in New York City.
I'm Casey McCall|alongside Dan Rydell, and you can't get rid of us|quite that easily.
Let's get right to it|with a preview of tomorrow's|big A.
C.
C.
contest between the Blue Devils|of Duke and the Tar Heels|of North Carolina.
For more on that, I give you|my partner, Dan Rydell.
Thanks, Casey.
[ Rock music plays ]