Sports Night (1998) s02e09 Episode Script

A Girl Named Pixley

Casey: Said Watters|following the game, "Ricky Watters|isn't lugging the rock the way Ricky Watters is|capable of lugging the rock.
" Fill it.
Dan, do you think|there's any chance Ricky Watters wasn't talking|about himself in the third person,|but rather was talking about someone else|in the second person? Who did you have in mind? Oh, Ricky Watters,|the rock lugger from Toledo.
[ Laughter ] Dynamite fill.
That will do it for us.
Get some rest.
|You're gonna need it 'cause we're coming back|in 23 hours.
I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
You've been watching|"Sports Night" on CSC.
-- We'll see you tomorrow.
|-- Good night.
Dave: Music.
|Will: Go.
-- Animation.
|Chris: Go.
Kim: We're out.
|Dana: Very nice.
-- Her name is Pixley.
|-- Pixie? -- Pixley.
|-- Spell it for me.
I am going out tonight|with a girl named Pixley.
Where did you meet her? Oh, she works in the building.
And what does Pixley do?|I'm not 100% sure.
-- She didn't tell you?|-- She did tell me.
I just wasn't paying attention.
-- Good show.
|-- Thanks.
|-- Thank you.
You weren't paying attention|to Pixley? Are you just looking|for any reason at all|to say the name Pixley? It's starting to grow on me.
[ Sighs ] I cannot even begin|to tell you how much I am not looking forward|to this.
I think you might have|a good time with Pixley.
This isn't a pleasure date|I'm going on.
This is a requirement,|like Home Ec.
-- You had to take Home Ec?|-- Yeah.
Me too.
|Did you learn anything? -- Now I can do this thing where|you hollow out a grapefruit.
|-- I learned that.
Well, tonight the nonsense|officially begins.
Well, for most of us, the nonsense began|a long time ago, so, you know,|welcome to the world.
Six months on the Dana Whitaker|dating program.
I don't think|it's gonna be six months.
Oh, it's gonna be six months.
-- I don't think it is.
|-- How long do you think|it's going to be? -- One night.
|-- You're wrong.
-- It's not gonna be six months.
|-- Ah, Dana's pretty good|at digging her heels in.
-- In fact, if you want to|check my back|-- One night.
You're gonna go on one date.
Dana will get jealous,|call the whole thing off.
No, Dana's not going to|get jealous.
She will get jealous of Pixley.
Jealousy will rear|its ugly head.
It will not rear its ugly head.
It will rear its ugly head,|it will look around, and then it willeat Tokyo.
-- Hmm.
|-- See? -- Yeah, I like|the sound of that.
|-- I like the sound of "Pixley.
" -- Can I ask you something?|-- Sure.
After you bungle|this thing tonight and send Pixley stomping|out of the restaurant, do you have any problem|with me giving her a call? I don't have any problem|with you giving her a call|right now.
Don't be rude to her.
Why would I be rude to her? -- It's what you do.
|-- It's not what I do.
-- One more thing -- honesty.
|-- What? -- What about it?|-- Don't mislead her.
Be honest with her.
|This Pixley's a good girl.
-- You've never met her.
|-- I can tell already.
-- How?|-- Her name's Pixley.
Danny, I'm going now.
-- On your date with Pixley?|-- Yes.
-- Can I come?|-- Good night.
Honesty for Pixley! Yeah, yeah.
Casey's going out tonight|with a girl named Pixley.
-- I know.
You know what|I'm concerned about?|-- You're concerned|about Pixley.
I'm not concerned|about Pixley.
You know what|I'm concerned about? -- The dating plan|blowing up in your face?|-- Where are we right now? -- Natalie|-- New York City|the city of lights.
Paris is the city of lights.
We got a lot of lights, Dana.
Yes, but my point is|that we're in the office, and this is where I like|to talk about work.
-- You know what|I'm concerned about?|-- Tomorrow's rundown? -- I don't think|there's gonna be enough show.
|-- Tomorrow's a strange day.
The schedules are empty --|no press conferences|and no pre-tape in the can.
Two hockey games.
|That's all we've got.
We can always rerun|tonight's show.
-- Natalie --|-- Then again, I suppose that|would be fundamentally wrong.
-- Yes, I'm pretty worried.
|-- About Pixley? Listen And this is when I like to talk|about your personal life.
Aah! Yeah! Yes? Here I go.
Have fun.
Your dating plan begins.
I'll be here working.
-- Aha!|-- What? Jealousy rears its ugly head.
-- Where?|-- It'll happen.
-- I'm outta here.
|-- Okay.
You understand|the next time you see me, I'll have already gone|on the date.
I do grasp the time-space|continuum, yes.
Well, thenhere I go.
For the record,|if she stays over, I'm making her this thing|where I hollow out a grapefruit.
-- From Home Ec?|-- Yeah.
I'll go when I'm ready to go.
-- Now I'm ready to go.
|-- Bye.
Well, you want to get to work? Her name's Pixley? Hey, lsaac.
Hey, Jeremy.
You working out|on the treadmill? What makes you say that? -- How's it goin'?|-- Fine.
Hey, if I were to suddenly|pop this thing to up to 10, would you just go flying out|onto Fifth Avenue? Yeah, but if I were to have|my hands around your throat|when you did it, wouldn't you be|coming out there with me? -- Yeah.
|-- So it's a wash.
-- Yeah.
|-- [ Sighs ] Are you on lsaac patrol tonight? Isaac patrol? Yeah, doesn't one of you stay after the show to make sure I get into my car okay? Yes, and doesn't that make us|rotten people? There are plenty of reasons|why you're rotten people.
I'm not on lsaac patrol.
|Dan is on lsaac patrol.
-- Where's Casey?|-- Uh, out with a girl|named Pixley.
-- Casey's out with Pixley?|-- Yes.
You suppose the two of them|could be any more white? No, I don't imagine they could.
So what do you need? What do I need?|I don't need anything, lsaac.
You're simply here? I'm simply here.
-- You know why?|-- My lucky day, I guess.
-- No, although I thought that|was funny, what you just said.
|-- Thank you.
So, I've been nominated|for this award tomorrow night -- for producing the segment|on Foxboro.
|-- Hmm.
And I've been thinking about it, and I've decided|that I want to win.
-- lnteresting.
|-- I want to win bad, lsaac.
-- Yes.
|-- Do you know that feeling? Well, I work in sports,|so I'm trying to think if I've ever had contact|with people like that.
-- Another good one, sir.
|-- [ Laughs ] Surviving a stroke|has made you quite the wit.
No, I was wondering -- as someone who's been nominated|for many of these things and|lost most of the time, how you felt on the question of|preparing a speech in advance.
I won the Pulitzer Prize,|Jeremy.
It's a real honor, sir.
No, I meant it's one of|the many objects in the room -- that I could grab|and shove up --|-- Got it.
So on this|speech-preparation question -- Have in mind the people|you want to thank.
-- Ah.
|-- Anything else? -- Have them in mind.
|-- Yes.
-- Well, there would|definitely be you|-- Thank you.
and Dana and Natalie -- Good.
|--though I'm not sure|which name to say first.
Dana's the executive producer, but I've got a personal|relationship with Natalie.
Of course, this isn't about|personal relationships.
It's about work.
|Or is it? Tell you what,|let's talk about it.
Okay, but first, would you mind just popping|this thing up to 10 for me? Alphabetical order|is one way to go.
Dana: Let's add 'em all up.
Total time --|whole show all in -- -- The Bruins|-- Yeah.
-- The Rangers|-- Yeah.
-- NFL Whiparound.
|-- Yep.
What do we got? We usually do|more like an hour, don't we? Yeah.
All right, you know,|let's not go crazy.
Let's approach this|like the people we are.
Dana, I'm kind of late|for a date with a girl -- Sit your ass down,|Valentino.
What's up? What are you still doing here? I'm on lsaac patrol.
-- How's he doin'?|-- I don't know.
Where is he? I don't know.
Well, keep up the good work.
What's goin' on? We only have 6 minutes|and 25 seconds worth of show|for tomorrow.
-- No problem.
|-- No problem? -- I can stretch it.
|-- You can't stretch it.
Dana, I'm a writer.
|I stretch things all the time.
Give me 6 minutes|and 25 seconds worth of copy, and I'll stretch it|into an hour.
I've done it before.
No, you haven't.
You've stretched|6 minutes and 25 seconds into 7 minutes and 25 seconds.
It certainly seemed like|an hour.
What did you find out? Isaac says I should keep|some names in mind.
What are you talking about? I'm trying to decide|whom to thank.
There isn't the time allotted|to thank everyone|who deserves it, and I don't want to hurt|anyone's feelings, especially on an occasion|like this.
Whom do you name?|Whom do you leave out? It's tough.
|Isaac's giving me a hand.
Why?|What were you talking about? Tomorrow's show, you matzo ball.
Well, that opens up a slot.
What about Darren Keehoe? -- What about him?|-- He's on his death bed.
I like it.
Do you know who he is? I'm assuming he's an extremely|accomplished athlete who's lived|an extraordinary life and whose death warrants|a 45-minute feature on our show|tomorrow night despite the fact|that I've never heard of him.
Am I right? -- Absolutely.
|-- Who is he? He came this close|to winning the bronze medal in archery|at the 1932 Olympics.
How close? He came in seventh.
All right.
He's dying? Yes.
-- You got this off the wire?|-- Yes.
Did it say|what he's dying from? -- What he's dying from?|-- Yes.
A rare and fatal disease,|perhaps, that we can serve to bring|public attention to.
[ Crunch! ] He's dying from having|been alive for 98 years.
[ Breathes deeply ] All right.
|Here's what I'd like.
I'd like everyone to go back|to your offices or cubicles and return here in 30 minutes|with either some ideas or a carton containing|the contents of your desk.
-- Can we order Chinese food?|-- Yes.
-- Beef with broccoli?|Fried rice?|-- Sure.
-- JeremyWhat?|-- Would you like to pay for it? I'm giving you an opportunity|to get back on the list, Dana.
Please go.
Go I shall.
Let's work.
-- Yeah?|-- I know it's a dumb award, but Jeremy wants to win it|pretty bad.
[ Laughs ]|That's fine with me.
I mean, he really wants to win.
I'll tell you, winning|some awards around here|wouldn't hurt us any.
-- He's not gonna win.
|-- He's got a good chance.
No, I'm saying|it's not gonna happen.
You know something|I don't know? You know how for these things|when they know you won they call you to make sure|you're going to be there? -- You overheard a call?|-- Yeah.
|Who's gonna win? -- Not Jeremy.
|-- Who? I'm not gonna tell you.
-- Who?|-- You're not going to like it.
I'm not gonna care.
|I'm just curious.
Who? You're not gonna care? -- I'm really not.
|-- Sally.
My Sally? Casey's Sally.
Sally's going to win my award.
Jeremy's award.
[ Sighs ] So you're going to tell him? -- No.
|-- You're not? No.
You sure? Yeah.
We've got 6 minutes|and 25 seconds of show, and our best hope is that a guy|nobody's ever heard of dies of nothing in particular.
Jeremy's got his heart set|on winning an award that you're not going to tell|him he's already lost And Casey's out right now|with a girl named Pixley.
-- Yes! Yes.
|-- Well we got ourselves the makings.
Pixley's an unusual name.
Did it, uh,|come from your mother? I'm pretty sure|it came from both my parents.
What I meant was, was it your mother's|maiden name? No.
It doesn't have|special significance? It has special significance|inasmuch as it's my name.
How are you, uh,|enjoying your thing there? -- Fish?|-- Yeah.
-- It's very good.
|-- Good.
And you should take your time|eating it, too.
-- Do you have to get someplace?|-- No.
I'm sorry.
|Am I being boring? Absolutely not.
Casey, if you want to go,|you can go.
I don't want to go.
Then why did you say that? Because I want you to savor|your fish.
What's the problem? -- There is no problem.
|-- I'm not your type.
I really have no type.
So we should stay on this date? I encourage you to order|a second helping of fish.
So there's no problem.
There is absolutely no problem.
[ Sighs ] In a perfect world,|I wouldn't be here with you.
|I'd be here with someone else.
[ Fork clangs ] I'm just telling you this|because I like you.
-- You like me.
|-- Yes.
But not as much as the woman|you would be here with|in a perfect world.
-- Well, yes, but that's|a pretty tough standard.
|-- How's that? -- Well, I'm in love with her.
|-- You're in love with her.
-- Dana.
|-- Dana.
-- And you're out|on a date with me.
|-- Yes.
There's a good explanation|for that, which I think is gonna|make you feel a lot better.
An explanation for why|you asked me on a date -- even though you're in love|with someone else?|-- Yeah.
-- And it's gonna make me|feel better?|-- Oh, yeah.
-- Give it a try.
|-- She forced me.
Look, it's not as bad|as it sounds.
-- Really?|-- Yeah.
Good night, Casey.
[ Sighs ] Well, there's a coxswain|at Columbia.
-- A coxswain?|-- Yes.
The guy in the canoe who shouts? First of all, it's not a canoe,|it's a shell, and he doesn't just shout,|he also steers.
Why do you have no respect|for water sports? A coxswain? They're competitors|like anyone else.
I don't consider|what this guy does competing.
Well, what do you consider it? I consider it|shouting out "faster" while eight preppy guys row|his lazy ass down the river.
Well, perhaps if you took|the time to study the nuance -- Did this guy do anything|spectacular? -- In a manner of speaking.
|-- What did he do? He fell out of the boat.
All right, put it down.
-- Good.
|-- How long do you think? A minute-30.
I can stretch it.
Did this guy, by any chance, save something that was drowning|on his way out of the boat? No.
Just fell out, huh? Yep, and then he grabbed on|to the boat for support and knocked|most of his teammates out, too.
The glory of sport.
And then he almost got bit|by a turtle.
Moving on.
Isaac? What? You trying to sleep? You are on fire tonight, Jeremy.
-- Where's your ride?|-- Esther's staying late|at a benefit in town.
They're dancing,|and she likes to dance.
-- And she's late?|-- Yeah.
Think you'll have to smack her|around when she gets here? What do you want? I wanted to tell you that I've|decided not to prepare a speech.
-- Okay.
|-- Want to know why? -- It's 'cause|I don't think I should.
|-- Mm.
Do you know that in 1969,|an extra speech was written as Apollo 1 1 was landing|on the moon? No.
Did you know that in 1992, all three major presidential|candidates were lefties? -- I didn't know that.
|-- Leave me alone.
They had a contingency speech|in case the LEM was unable to lift off|the lunar surface, Ieaving the astronauts to die|of starvation and lack of oxygen|on global television some 240,000 nautical miles|from home.
Well, you don't want to|get caught unprepared.
You also don't want to|tempt fate.
I think it was bad karma|for them to prepare that speech.
I feel the same way|about the award tomorrow night.
-- Son|-- Yes, sir.
I'm sorry.
You deserved to win|as much as anyone but you didn't.
What do you mean? You didn't win.
How do you know? Natalie knew, and she told me.
-- Who won?|-- Sally Sasser.
Well, okay.
|I guessnever mind, then.
Natalie knew? Yeah.
-- Jeremy?|-- Yes, sir.
You know what sucks? Losing an award? I was gonna say not being able|to dance with your wife.
Yeah, I was gonna say that,|too, sir.
Turn out the light, okay? Yeah.
[ Groans ] All right, any new word|on Darren Hoho? -- Keehoe.
|-- Is he the coxswain? -- He's the archer.
|-- Any new word? He's still alive,|if that's what you're asking.
-- Oh, man.
|-- Dana! Hey, you think|there's any chance he was gay? -- Dana!|-- It would make a better story.
-- He's on his deathbed.
|-- Natalie, I'm about to make|this man the most famous 7th-place|archer in the history of sports.
I think the very least he can do|is die in a timely manner and be gay.
Any ideas? Rerun tonight's show? Can I see you a second? Yeah.
-- Hi.
|-- Hi.
So I was working on my speech|with lsaac, and it turns out|he knows I didn't win.
-- You know how he knows?|-- Jeremy -- -- 'Cause you told him.
|-- Yeah.
Do you have any idea|how stupid I feel? -- I'm sorry.
|-- Why didn't you tell me|the truth? -- Why would I tell you?|-- What? Why would I tell you? -- Why would you tell me|the truth?|-- Yeah.
-- 'Cause it's the truth.
|-- Yeah.
The truth isn't this all-fired,|holy thing, you know.
-- Natalie --|-- No, I think I'm on|pretty solid ground here.
You were nominated for an award|and having a good time, and you had another 24 hours|of good time coming to you before you got boofed|by Sally Sasser.
You can't tell me|you're better off knowing now than you would have been|tomorrow night when they opened|the envelope.
-- I'm searching for|an ethical leg to stand on.
|-- Yeah.
Speaking of which,|I should mention that I'm very grateful|that I'm able to dance with you.
You're not able to dance|with me.
Yes, but if I could dance,|I could dance with you.
I don't understand.
I just generally feel stupid.
Well, why don't we get|dressed up tomorrow night, go to the thing, celebrate|the fact that you got nominated|at all, and then we'll go home|and see if I can't replace your feelings of stupidity|with something else.
Natalie, you can't just|always make everything better|by offering me sex.
Well, yes, I guess you can.
Where is she? What are you doing here? I want to talk|to the house madam.
|Where is she? Casey, I didn't win the award|I was nominated for, yet due to my love for Natalie|and my ability to dance, I don't feel so bad.
-- What?|-- Except I really,|really wanted to win.
Where's Dana? Inside.
What are you doing here? -- May I have a word?|-- Sure.
-- Did Pixley stomp out?|-- She didn't stomp.
-- Were you mean to Pixley?|-- No.
-- You were, weren't you?|-- I wasn't.
-- I'm going to call her.
|-- I wasn't mean to Pixley.
How did it go? I was totally mean to Pixley.
Why? 'Cause you're forcing me|to do something that is|fundamentally mean.
-- It is not mean.
|-- Look, Dana, come on -- Casey, you're|a handsome television star.
I'm sure Pixley|had a very nice time.
Oh, Pixley had a swell time right up until|the moment I told her the only reason I was there was that I had to go|on six-months worth of dates with other women|before you'd go out with me.
Well, why the hell|did you tell her that? What? Why did you tell her that? 'Cause it seemed like|the right thing to do.
-- Did it?|-- Yes.
And in retrospect? -- Not so much.
|-- Yeah.
-- Look|-- What? Dana, honesty --|that's what I'm about.
Honesty and not rushing|through dinner.
She stomped off, didn't she? Yes, she did.
You got to do this|for real, Casey.
-- That's the only way|it makes sense.
|-- No.
There's really no way|this makes sense.
-- You got to do it for real.
|-- I did it for real.
-- You took a dive.
|-- But I was honest.
You tanked it, Casey.
|You phoned it in.
I told her 'cause it was|the right thing to do.
I-I liked her a lot.
|I didn't want to make any -- What? I told her 'cause it was|the right thing to do.
You said you liked her.
When? Just now.
In fact, you said|you liked her a lot.
Jealousy is rearing.
I am not jealous.
Rearing allover the place.
-- Casey --|-- By the way,|if I hadn't pulled the plug, I'd be over|at her place right now doing jello shots,|watching her please me.
You're disgusting.
She also said she was going to|invite over some of her|stewardess friends.
-- Get inside.
|-- What are we doing? -- The show is short.
|-- How short? -- We only have 42 minutes?|-- We're short 42 minutes.
You know, a Columbia coxswain|fell out of his boat.
-- Yeah, we factored that in.
|-- Hmm.
What's going on? -- He's still alive.
|-- I'm okay with that.
I think it's time for us all to take a deep breath|[lnhales] and relax and approach this with a sense|of calm professionalism.
How could you lose|to Sally Sasser? -- Sorry.
|-- Here's something.
-- What?|-- East bid 2 clubs,|South bid 4 diamonds, and North came back|with a 5 no-trump.
-- Bridge?|-- Yeah.
Is there footage? We're going to cover bridge? -- It's the sport of kings.
|-- No.
Once again, it's not|the sport of kings.
Horse racing|is the sport of kings.
-- Give me the dumplings.
|-- What's bridge the sport of? -- Bridge isn't a sport.
|-- Sure, it's a sport.
No, I think at the very least,|people have to be moving.
[ Rock music plays ]